South Park, Season 14

Elin Nordegren:
[recurring line] You motherfucker! I never should've married you!

[Mr. Garrison enters the Fourth Grade classroom with a box of books]

Mr. Garrison:
Okay, kids, lets take our seats. There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.

Cartman:
Aw, a book? God, I hate those.

Mr. Garrison:
Now kids, this book is very controversial, and has just been taken off the banned books list.

Cartman:
Oh, really? Sweet.

Mr. Garrison:
It's called "Catcher in the Rye", and it has some very risque parts...

Stan:
[excited] All right!

[Mr. Garrison starts handing copies out to the students]

Mr. Garrison:
And strong vulgar language...

Kenny:
[muffled] Awesome, dude!

Mr. Garrison:
And in fact many schools across the country still ban this book, because it's thought to be so inappropriate.

Cartman:
[starts reading excitedly] Oh, man, I can't wait!

Mr. Garrison:
Tonight I want you to read chapters 1 through 5, and tomorrow we'll discuss the...

Cartman:
No, no, come on let's read it now!

Kyle:
Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?

Mr. Garrison:
[irritated] Apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by "Catcher in the Rye", but he was just a Cook

Cartman:
Whoa! You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate AND made a guy shoot the King of Hippies? Can we PLEASE read this, RIGHT NOW?

Mr. Garrison:
[angry] All right. You will read it at home, and you will all be mature about it's adult themes and language!

[The class groan in unison]

Stan:
[runs in, panicking] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer; my parents must have found it!

Cartman:
So why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all!

Stan:
[angrily] Hey, I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it; if I'm going down, someone has to go down with me!

Kyle:
Well, if I'm going down, you're going down!

Cartman:
And if I'm going down, you are definitely going down!

Stan:
Well dude, SOMEBODY has got to go down.

[Butters is confronted by the boys in the school hallways]

Cartman:
Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?

Butters:
Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?

Kyle:
Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!

Butters:
[a little angrily] But, you told me I did.

Stan:
Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, Million Dollar Abie.

[Red and Lola appear and defend Butters]

Red:
Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.

Lola:
[fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.

Butters:
[smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.

Cartman:
Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.

Red:
Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!

Lola:
Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters's success for once!

[the girls leave]

Stan:
[frustrated] God damn it!

Kyle:
Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!

Butters:
[snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You ALWAYS take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener. [Leaves]

Cartman:
[After a pause; in a shocked voice] What an inconsiderate jerk!

Reporter:
[commenting on The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs] The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned 465 times. Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?

Matthew Broderick:
Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I know that most people agree with me.

Reporter:
Uh-huh. And Matthew? How come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [Parker simply blinks at the camera, but Broderick gets a stunned look on his face]

News Reporter:
[After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little PRICK had to go and write a book! [Butters is at his desk with his face buried in his arms, The news report is airing on the TV in the background] Leopold Stotch… I hope they BURY you! YOU EVIL FUCK!

[Stan and his friends enter Butters' room]

Cartman:
Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters.

Butters:
I know.

Stan:
They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money!

Butters:
[lifts his head up, crying] You think I care about that?! My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And if she died it was because of me!

Kyle:
Ah... Oh Butters, [steps forward] it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.

Stan:
Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.

Butters:
Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get over this.

Cartman:
That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something.

Butters:
What?

Cartman:
[sighs heavily] You were sleepwalking again, and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.

Butters:
[shocked] What?! Oh no!

Cartman:
Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you. [walks out of the room with the other boys]

Butters:
Aw. Aw I got her killed too?? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly. [leaves his desk and follows the other boys downstairs]

[Randy is smoking weed in front of Officer Barbrady, with his enlarged testicles in a wheelbarrow]

Randy:
Oh, that is nice. That is NICE.

Jimbo:
[running up] Randy! Jesus, Randy! Your balls!

Randy:
I know. Smoking pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh?

Jimbo:
No! I mean your actual BALLS!

Billy:
Do you want to do it?

Cartman:
Do I want to do it? Does the pope help pedophiles get away with their crimes?

Billy:
Excellent.

Cartman:
Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic, and making the world safe for pedophiles?

Cartman:
I told your mom you got an F on that social studies test.

Billy:
You wouldn't do that.

Cartman:
Does a bear crap in the woods? And does the pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of 200 deaf boys?

Colonel Sanders:
There's not going to be a next time, you fucking dumb cocksucker!

Cartman:
Hey, take it easy, Colonel.

Colonel Sanders:
I told you a long time ago, you fucking little monkey, not to fuck me!

[Kyle is trying to find new Facebook friends on Chat Roulette. So far, all he's found are men masturbating on web cam]

Kyle:
Dude, screw this, I don't wanna see anymore!

Cartman:
Kyle, this is the way the world works! You wanna find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first.

Stan:
Hey, guys! Check it out! Tom Cruise is a fudge packer!

Tom Cruise:
What did you call me?

Eric Cartman:
Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture of him]

Butters:
How come you're packing fudge, Mr. Cruise?

Tom Cruise:
I'm glad you asked, I'm not a fudge packer!

Stan:
Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything.

Tom Cruise:
But, I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box]

Stan:
Then why are you packing fudge?

Tom Cruise:
I'm not! I'm glad you asked, I'm a very busy actor! I'm just here trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes]

Stan:
Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge.

Tom Cruise:
Oh, that does it! I will [slams his fist on the belt] SUE you!

Stan:
For what?!

Tom Cruise:
You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it!

Mr. Garrison:
[walks up with the students; notices Tom] Hey, is that fudge packer, Tom Cruise?

Tom Cruise:
[takes off and throws his hat on the ground] Mr. Garrison, THAT'S IT! I'm suing this entire intolerant town! [starts leaving the factory]

Stan:
But, dude...

Tom Cruise:
No buts! You wanna accuse somebody of being a fudge packer, you're gonna pay the consequences!

[Tom Cruise's mountain lodge]

Tom Cruise:
Guys, I wanna really thank you all for coming. Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park, something I know you all can relate to.

[The 200 other celebrities begin to chatter, generally agreeing with him]

Tiger Woods:
That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies!

Bono:
I'm fed up with it! That town suggested I was made of sh*t!

Tom Cruise:
Yeah well I was just over there doing some fly-fishing, and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer!

Celebrities:
That is wrong! Hohhot, that is crazy!

Tom Cruise:
I know, right? And then other kids in the town and their teacher started joining in.

Sally Struthers:
[eating chocolate cake] South Park, Colorado, is the most insensitive racist and bigoted place in this country!

George Lucas:
That town thinks they can say whatever they want about people and get away with it!

Paris Hilton:
If anybody has a gripe against that sh*thole, it's me! [spits something into a tissue, then rubs that tissue into John Travolta's crotch]

Tom Cruise:
Yeah, well I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to the slander coming from that town once and for all! No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want.

Celebrities:
Yeah!!

Jared:
Hey, Tom, I ate too much Subway. Where is your bathroom?

Tom Cruise:
Oh just the door down the hall there, Jared. [Jared goes to the first door and opens it] No, no, that's a that's a closet. Go down more. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No, that's a closet too. [Jared moves on to the next door across the hall and opens that one] No, Jared, that one's a closet. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No. That's a cl- [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] closet. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No that's a that's a closet.

[Jared runs out of door to open and looks at Tom]

[South Park Elementary; Stan is called over to Principal Victoria's office; as he enters, he is stunned to see Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, his and Kyle's parents, Sgt. Yates, Officer Barbrady, and the Mayor with her aides, all there together and are not happy with him]

Randy:
You just had to push it, didn't you Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again.

Principal Victoria:
Did you call him a fudge packer?

Stan:
Awgh, he was packing fudge!

Mayor McDaniels:
Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit along with 200 other celebrities!

Mr. Mackey:
They're going to sue the bajeezus out of this entire town, m'kay?

Stan:
It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer. Even Mr. Garrison.

Principal Victoria:
But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.

Gerald:
Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers.

Sgt. Yates:
Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you've just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?

Randy:
Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!

[The fudge factory, Stan and Randy talk with Tom Cruise]

Randy:
Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry. And he would do anything to take back his hurtful comment.

Tom Cruise:
That's nice. I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer!

Randy:
Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But, maybe you could see how -- since you do, take fudge and, pack it into a box...

Tom Cruise:
What?

Randy:
I'm just saying, you are employed currently, as a person who, packages...

Tom Cruise:
I'm an actor. I do not pack fudge!

Randy:
Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a hat that says "Fred's Fudge & Candies." And you are... look it doesn't matter just... please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.

Tom Cruise:
[takes a short break and sighs] There is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.

Randy:
Anything! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.

Tom Cruise:
It's just that there's somebody I've always wanted to meet. Face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town...

Randy:
Sure, who is it? We can get anybody for you.

Tom Cruise:
Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.

Stan:
Ooooo...

Randy:
That's tricky.

Tom Cruise:
Well then you can just get sued!

Randy:
Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we could try to bring to town, we could-

Tom Cruise:
NO! Just him! You get Muhammad to appear in South Park, or your little town is done!

[South Park Community Center, evening; Randy is on stage with Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, The Mayor and her aides; Much of the town is in the audience]

Randy:
Okay, people, I kno- I know. But, he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.

Mr. Garrison:
Are you nuts?! If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!

Stephen Stotch:
We don't know that! Maybe enough time has passed.

Kyle:
[to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.

Mr. Mackey:
But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come, huh, how would we ever find him?

Sgt. Yates:
Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off-limits and censored. So nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like.

Stan:
I saw him once.

[The audience turns to Stan]

Mayor McDaniels:
You did?

Stan:
Yeah. A while ago my friends joined David Blaine's cult. I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them. Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.

Mr. Garrison:
Oh, and what? And he was just out in the open where everyone could see him and nobody got bombed?!

Stan:
No, dude, it was totally flying.

Sgt. Yates:
Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all.

Stan:
Well this giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.

Randy:
Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? [to the audience] Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch of what Muhammad could look like today.

Mr. Garrison:
[stands up] No, don't!

[Randy pulls out a sheet of paper from a manila envelope and turns it around:
it's a stick figure with a round head]

Mr. Garrison:
Is that okay to show? [sits down]

Jimbo:
I don't know. I guess we'll see.

[Tom Cruise's mountain lodge]

Hillary Clinton:
Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense.

Jesse Jackson:
Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park.

Tom Cruise:
No, I said we're going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on again! Look, people, all of us... get ridiculed, but who is the one person on this earth that is completely free from slander?

Oprah:
You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed?

Tom Cruise:
Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if we…could harness that power. [walks up to Jimmy Buffett] Jimmy Buffett, how would you like it if nobody could call your music drunken fratboy monkey garbage?

Jimmy Buffett:
I'd-I'd love it.

Tom Cruise:
By taking what Muhammad has, we would all be safe from ridicule. Like Tim Burton here. Imagine it, Tim -- nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately. There'd never be a TV show that pointed out you haven't had an original thought since "Beetlejuice." And you put Johnny Depp and the same crappy music in every film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp you should just have sex with him already. A TV show could never say that!

Tim Burton:
Gee, that'd be swell.

Tom Cruise:
Well it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take his power from him!

Cartman:
Excuse me, [everyone turns to look at him] This is the home of Tom Cruise, right?

Tom Cruise:
Hey, it's one of the kids from South Park that slandered me!

Cartman:
I didn't come for myself. I'm just an escort for another celebrity who wants to get in on your lawsuit.

Michael Richards:
Who?

Jennifer Lopez:
[pulls off her little cap] Allo! [the other celebrities smile at her]

Tom Cruise:
Jennifer Lopez!

[the others crowd in]

Jennifer Lopez:
Yes, I am Jennifer Lopez! And I like tacos, and burritos.

Tom Cruise:
[takes his guests to a lab, which has a machine, a duplicator of sorts] Here it is, friends. Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us his power to not be made fun of.

Russell Crowe:
Tom, Tom, you're talking crazy, mate. Only Muhammad has that ability. How could we ever get it from him?

Rob Reiner:
We take his goo. [eating a burger] It's as simple as that, people.

Tom Cruise:
Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo which is inside every person on Earth.

Rob Reiner:
Any goo can be harvested from a person's body, and easily placed into another.

Cartman:
Wait, you mean, we aren't gonna sue and get a bunch of money?

Tom Cruise:
No, Jen. We've all got enough money.

Jennifer Lopez:
Yes, who needs more money? We need to get Muhammad's goo! Yes, yes! Arriba arriba!

Sgt. Yates:
Mayor, we do not have the resources to deal with this situation. A full evacuation is impossible!

Mayor McDaniels:
Jesus Christ, what are we supposed to do?!

Jimbo:
We have to give in to their demands!

Mayor McDaniels:
I'm sorry, Muhammad, but we're going to have to give you over to the gingers.

Tom Cruise:
You're gonna give Muhammad to gingers instead of us, just because they are threatening you with violence?!

Randy:
Well yeah.

Tom Cruise:
Oh, we could play that game too! You wanna see violence, you got it! [throws the phone down, destroying it] Goddamned stupid assholes! They wanna play rough?! Okay! Spielberg, go and get some automatic rifles! [walks up to a couch on which Oprah is seated and starts jumping up and down on it quite aggressively] We'll go in there and we're gonna take Muhammad by force! And we're gonna show 'em that-

Rob Reiner:
Tom, Tom! We can't be seen getting violent!

Hillary Clinton:
Yeah, that would kill all our careers.

Tom Cruise:
[still jumping on the couch] But the only way we're gonna get Muhammad now is by getting just as violent with South Park as the gingers!

Rob Reiner:
Fine, then let's have her do it!

Tom Cruise:
[stops jumping] Her who?

Rob Reiner:
You know. [softly] Her.

Tom Cruise:
[softly] Oh, right. Her.

Robert Redford:
[frightened] My God, she's even more terrifying than I remember.

Steven Spielberg:
Tom, Barbra Streisand hasn't been active for a long time. Are we sure we want to do this?

Tom Cruise:
Mrs. Streisand was blown apart in the town of South Park. She's probably more angry at that town than any of us.

Rob Reiner:
Power her up! Release the kiken!

[Mel Gibson throws the switch. Barbra's forehead and then her eyes light up. She begins to move. She whips her tail against the ground. She's armed with a chainsaw for a right arm]

Rob Reiner:
Hey Barbra. It's me, Rob Reiner. [she breathes hot air on the crowd, and they try to block the air] Listen, Babs, we're takin' on the town of South Park and we really need your help.

Tom Cruise:
We figured you're pissed off at South Park too, right Ms. Streisand? [she reacts fiercely, running her saw into the holding structure behind her] Oh, she's pissed alright.

Scott Tenorman:
Revenge is a dish best served...chili!

Announcer:
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, which is Tom Cruise's house.

Tom Cruise:
(on the phone) How do you like that?! Celebrities can get violent too!

Randy:
[on the community center roof with other townsfolk] Mr. Cruise, please call Barbra Streisand off! [everyone cringes as Mecha-Streisand walks around] She's destroying everything!

Tom Cruise:
We will call her off when you give us Muhammad!

Randy:
We don't have Muhammad. We we aren't sure where he is.

Tom Cruise:
That's your problem! Get him back or Barbs will kill you all!

Mickey Mouse:
Oh boy!

Sea-Man:
I'll get you, Tom Cruise! [hops on him and wrestles him]

Stan:
Hey look! Tom Cruise has Seaman on his back.

[everyone stops and gasps. The "CENSORED" bar disappears and Tom is shown again]

Tom Cruise:
What did you say?!

Kyle:
Oh yeah. Tom Cruise does have Seaman on his back.

Jesus:
I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes Seaman.

[everyone chuckles.]

Tom Cruise:
[straightens up] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Sea-Man gets off his back] You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me anymore! What the hell's going on?!

Scott Tenorman:
[on the rafters with a jet pack on his back] I'll be back, Super Best Friends! [tales off through an open door on the roof.]

Jesus:
Who's the creepy ginger kid?

Tom Cruise:
Reiner, you said the goo machine would work! But I got made fun of!

Kyle:
That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.

Jesus:
That's right. Don't you see, gingers, if you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.

Santa:
That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.

[Reconstruction on the town begins]

Mayor McDaniels:
Alright, people, let's start rebuilding our town! For the 39th time.

[Tom Cruise sitting by himself on a trash can feeling sad]

Stan:
Look, Mr. Cruise, I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that semen on your back.

Tom Cruise:
I just... can't do it anymore. I wanna go away! But there's nowhere on Earth that people aren't around to rip on me.

Kyle:
Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up.

Stan:
We do? Oh Oh yeah, we do!

Tom Cruise:
You... really? Somewhere where I can just, live out my days in peace and quiet and- Oh. [stands up] Oh please, can you show me where?

Stan:
We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there.

Nathan:
[being sexually assaulted by a shark] No, not the shark again! NO, NOT THE SHARK AGAIN!

[Kenny is watching Pardon the Interruption ]

Tony Kornheiser:
All right, now we turn from the NFL to the world of NASCAR. People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted, ignorant statements on his podcast.

Cartman:
[In a southern accent] All right what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin' me off, so I'm going to do some dipping and speak my mind. Today I'm going to be dipping some Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream. [Drinks some Vagisil] So I'm pissed off what I found out. I found out this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! What the fuck is up with that? That's fuckin' gay! [Kenny, watching, buries his head intro his arms] It's gay as hell. Y'all know my pit boss, Butters.

Butters:
Obama's fuckin' gay.

Cartman:
He's fuckin' gay as hell.

Butters:
Pisses me off.

Cartman:
So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor and stupid as they fuckin' come so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday. Obama's gay as hell!

Tony Kornheiser:
Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR is for the poor and the stupid.

Kenny:
Fuck you!

Snooki:
[Recurring line] Snooki want smush-smush!

[at the South Park Hair Salon]

Theresa:
Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do! I'm a client here!

Caroline:
Theresa! Calm. Down.

Julia:
I don't have to take your shit! I'm from Jersey!

Caroline:
Get her, Sharon!!

Sharon:
What?

Jacqueline:
Sharon, just stay out of it!

Caroline:
Be, the bigger person, Sharon!

Sharon:
You people are crazy.

Caroline:
Who's crazy? Are you talking about my family?! (grabs Sharon by the hair and pulls her a few steps; Sharon begins to scream) Is my family crazy?!

Theresa:
Don't you pull my friend's hair, you bitch! (pulls Sharon back by the hair)

Sheila:
[barges in, savagely] Let go of her, you piece of trash!

Theresa:
Who the fuck are you, to tell me, what to do?!

Sheila:
All you trashy whores get the fuck out of here and leave her alone!

Theresa:
Psycho bitch!

Sheila:
(slaps Theresa's hand away) No! You're a psycho bitch, psycho bitch! Psycho bitch!! You wanna see fuckin' crazy?! You'd better just step the fuck away or you're gonna see fuckin' crazy!

Jacqueline:
[to Sheila] You're, cabbage!

Sheila:
I know this has to be very upsetting for you, Kyle.

Kyle:
[enunciating] What am I, Mom?

Sheila:
When I got pregnant with you, Kyle, your father and I were living with my parents in Newark. We knew we had to get out. Neither of us wanted our child to be from Jersey, so we moved. As far away as we could. But now I realize you can take the fetus out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the fetus.

Kyle:
[getting scared] What are you saying?!

Sheila:
I'm saying that for the first two months I carried you in my stomach, I lived in Newark. Technically, you are from Jersey.

Kyle:
[looks at his new look] NO! I don't wanna look like this!

Sheila:
It isn't so bad, Kyle. A lot of people think the Jersey look is nice.

[walks by and looks]

Ike:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [faints on his back]

Kyle:
I can hide it! [hops off the bed] Nobody ever has to know! [puts his hat back on and walks out the bedroom door] I can't ever let anybody know!

Cartman:
What the hell are you guys doing?

Stan:
Tryin' to help. My dad says to distribute all these guns.

Cartman:
[points to Kyle] And we're just gonna let him stand around here? He's one of them. He could easily be a spy!

Kyle:
I told you, Cartman, I'm not one of them. I don't wanna live in West Jersey any more than you do!

Cartman:
Overcompensating a little, aren't we, Kyle?

Kyle:
That's enough.

Cartman:
Your blood is tainted with the three J's! Jewish, Jersey and Ginger! Admit it!

Kyle:
No way, dude!

(Randy interrogates the Situation guy strapped to a chair)

Randy:
Alright Mr. Situation, we'll try this again! Why are you people doing this?!

The Situation:
Well I told you, it's uh just a Jersey thing.

(Randy punches him hard on the left cheek)

Randy:
What does that mean?!

The Situation:
You just don't understand. It's uh it's just, just a Jersey thing.

(Randy punches him again, kicks him with the left foot, punches him with the left hand, kicks him on the side of his head with the right foot)

Randy:
Stop playing stupid!

Jimbo:
Maybe he really is stupid, Randy.

Randy:
[to Jimbo] Nobody's this stupid! [to the Situation guy again] What are you people planning?!

The Situation:
It's just a Jersey thing, you know? Ya, you just gotta be from Jersey to get it.

[Specialists are sorting out Stan's hoarding problem. Everyone is assembled at Stan's locker]

Dr. Chinstrap:
Hello, everyone, my name is Dr. Chinstrap. I'm a hoarding specialist, and today, we're gonna help Stan clean out his locker. All right, let's go ahead and see inside your locker, Stan.

[Stan opens his locker, which is quite stuffed. There are gasps of shock all around, and Wendy starts crying]

Stan:
What? Come on, it's not that bad.

Dr. Chinstrap:
Now, as part of Stan's therapy, we need to make sure we don't throw away anything he doesn't want us to. Stan needs to feel like HE is in control, or his psychosis will come out.

Stan:
"My psychosis?" Look, it isn't that big of a deal, I'll just throw this stuff away.

Dr. Chinstrap:
Okay, great. Now how about we start with this... [takes out a pencil box]

Stan:
Well, no, that's my pencil box. I need my pencil box.

Dr. Chinstrap:
Okay, okay, we'll put that right here on the floor. [places box down and takes out a broken toothbrush] Now, how about this? Broken toothbrush?

Stan:
Well, it's good to have that, because sometimes I really wanna brush after lunch, and I...

Dr. Chinstrap:
But it's broken.

Stan:
Yeah, but it works perfectly fine, and it...

Dr. Chinstrap:
Okay, okay, broken toothbrush is going right here, by the pencil box. [places it down and takes out a maggot-infested sandwich] Now, how about this? Old sandwich in a baggie, filled with maggots? [there are groans of disgust from all those present]

Stan:
[faltering slightly] Well, THAT, I mean, yeah, I mean, I kinda need that, let's just keep that.

Dr. Chinstrap:
It's full of maggots, Stan. Can we throw it away?

Stan:
[faltering further] Well I might need it if I ever have to, you know, like...

Dr. Chinstrap:
The maggots are crawling down my hand and biting my wrist, Stan. Can we throw this away?

Stan:
[starting to lose his nerve] Well, I - I guess so but... [as the sandwich is thrown in the baggie] W-w-wait, this is all happening a little fast, can we just slow down?

[Stan's friends share a look of concern]

Dr. Chinstrap:
[Taking an empty aspirin bottle] Now how about this empty aspirin bottle?

Stan:
Well no, don't throw that out!

Dr. Chinstrap:
[reaching into the locker] Can we throw out these watered out papers, then? [pulls them out]

Stan:
[really losing his composure] No, because there could be something written on them that's important and... [gathering some papers up and trying to retrieve the bottle] No, don't take my empty bottle... G-GIVE ME BACK MY SANDWICH! [stops]

[People are looking at him in shock, and Cartman starts twirling his finger around his head and whistling at Stan to indicate he's insane]

Mr. Mackey:
Stan, as your counselor, I'm here to help you with whatever problems you might have, m'kay? Now, what is the matter? [before Stan answers, he looks around the office. Mr. Mackey has a lot of junk in there]

Stan:
Well, my friends are worried that I'm showing signs of... "hoarding."

Mr. Mackey:
Hoarding? M'kay, what's that?

Stan:
Well, apparently, it's when you... don't throw anything away and soon you find yourself, living with a, bunch of... junk?

Mr. Mackey:
Hmmm, I haven't heard of that, but it- it definitely sounds bad, m'kay?

Stan:
[looks around again] Mr. Mackey, is there, maybe anything you wanna talk about?

Mr. Mackey:
Me? ...Like, like what?

Stan:
[looks around and picks up an empty milk carton from a box] Well like, you've got an old milk carton here from a month ago that's like-

Mr. Mackey:
DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT! THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO THROW AWAY! IF YOU THROW THAT AWAY I WILL RAPE YOU IN THE MOUTH! M'KAY?! I WILL RAPE YOU IN YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! M'KAY?!

Freddy Krueger:
[Kills Woodsy Owl from behind] There's a REAL hoot for ya, Woodsy!

DP Executive 6:
The seismic forces will be massive. Do you think the moon can take it?

Tony Hayward:
Larry The Cable Guy.

Newsreader:
The boys state that there also used to be a member named the Coon actually in the group, but they let him go because he was being, quote: "a dick".

Toolshed:
Mysterion, if Cartman's gone why are we still calling ourselves "Coon and Friends"?

Mysterion:
Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief and I find that [laughs] extremely funny.

Mysterion:
What happened at those meetings?

Stuart McCormick:
Trust us, we don't remember. I know it sounds hard to believe but we were actually really drunk the entire time.

Mysterion:
I don't find that hard to believe at all.

Mysterion:
There are some superpowers that make yours look like nothing. Trust me, I know.

Hindsight:
What... what is your power?

[pause]

Mysterion:
I can't die. [pause] I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light, sometimes I see heaven or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes. And the worst part, no one even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone's just like "oh, hey Kenny," even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight, you're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy.

Red Goth:
I'm so freaking stoked that Cthulhu is gonna squash all the happy-go-lucky conformists.

Goth Leader:
Yeah. I just hope he puts an end to the fucking Disney Channel.

Mysterion:
Chicken Little Destroys Alien SpaceShips

Toolshed:
PeterGuist.

Mysterion:
1999 Spongebob SquarePants Movie

Stan:
(laughing) What?

Mysterion:
1999 Peter Griffin

Human Kite:
When was that?

Mysterion. It's January 31 1999 When Family Guy Comes Out.

Stan:
I think we would remember you dying, dude.

Mysterion. Family Guy Comes Out In January 31 1999 ON FOX.

Stan:
Dude, you're freaking out Mint Berry Crunch. He's peed his pants.

Human Kite:
OK, dude, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not being able to die.

Mysterion:
(furious) Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot? Decapitated? Torn apart? Burned? Run over?!!

Stan:
Kenny, Kenny, calm down!

Mysterion:
It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It f***ing hurts! And it won't go away and nobody will believe me! Remember this time! Try and f**king remember!

(Takes a gun and shoots himself.)

Cartman:
As the Coon explains how the disaster can be stopped something terrible happened. The Coon friends changed and their superpowers morphed them somehow turning them into super villains! The Coon try to reason with them. Try to bring them back to the side of good but it was too late.

[Sometime later the boys are talking about their next move for a good deed]

Mysterion:
[annoyed] You guys have no memory of me shooting myself in the head, do you?

Toolshed:
[laughs] What?

[After Bradley has vanished off to his home planet]

Coon:
F**king Mintberry f**king Crunch.

Sharon:
[sternly] Randy, do not watch that no-no channel.

Randy:
I'm not staying up to do that, Sharon. Geez.

Operator:
Thanks for calling the Food Network Hotline. Billing is $9.95 for each 60 second period; to accept, say "creme fraiche".

Randy:
Creme fraiche. [phone line connects]

Amanda:
Hi there, I'm Amanda. What are you up to?

Randy:
Oh, hi, I just, uh, thought I'd give the hotline a try. What are you doing?

Amanda:
I'm making a pan roasted chicken.

Randy:
Pan roasted? Like seared on the stove and then put in the oven?

Amanda:
Uh-huh. I'm just taking the chicken out of the pan. It's so moist. I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes.

Randy:
Yeah?

Amanda:
Yeah. Ooh, there's lots of brown bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet.

Randy:
You gonna glaze that fucking pan?

Amanda:
Oh, I'm gonna glaze it. You wanna help me?

Randy:
If I was there I would. I'd take some red wine, about a quarter cup, and then a wooden spoon and I'd glaze the fuck out of that pan.

Amanda:
I got a wooden spoon right here. It's pretty hard.

Randy:
[as he says this, we see Sharon pick up the phone; she begins listening in when she hears Randy on the other line] Yeah, you gonna put some onion in while you're glazing?

Amanda:
I was thinking about shallots actually.

Randy:
Uh, yeah, shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's natural flavor, fuck yeah!

Sharon:
[having finally had enough] RANDY MARSH!

Randy:
Ah! Sharon!

Operator:
Your time on Food Network Hotline has expired; to add more time, say "creme fraiche".