South Park, Season 5

Cartman:
Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used] It's delicious, Chef- I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins's pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [a shot of Scott talking with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]

Mr. Denkins:
[looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassing and I was protecting myself. I-I have my rights.

Scott:
My...mom and dad are...dead? [a shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]

Cartman:
I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... [a shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [more faces of horror behind Cartman] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [a gleefully evil look comes over Cartman] I call it... "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."

Scott:
[looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened] Oh my God! [gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger; he tosses it away] Oh my God! [vomits off to the side]

Cartman:
[leaping up on the table and sings] Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, I made you eat your par-ents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are horrified]

Stan:
Jesus Christ, dude!

Scott:
[grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead! [pounds the table] No! Nooo! [Radiohead, not knowing what has just happened, arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]

Thom:
Um, excuse me?

Stan:
Who are you?

Jonny:
We're that band, Radiohead.

Ed:
[to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby!

Colin:
Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?

Thom:
You know, everyone has problems. It doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.

Ed:
Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [the members of the band start leaving]

Thom:
Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.

Phil:
Little crybaby.

Scott:
[gathers himself and looks] No, wait! Waaiit! Oh my God, Oh my Gooood! [buries his face in the table and bawls again.] Nooo!

Cartman:
[walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yeees! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [starts licking Scott's tears off his face] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.

Kyle:
...Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.

Stan:
Good call.

Cartman:
Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. [licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face] Mm-yummy, you guys! [fade out, then quickly back in to Looney Tunes-style iris] a-Be-de-be-de, that's all, folks!