South Park, Season 5

Cartman:
Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?

Cartman:
Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.

Kyle:
There's no sand in my vagina!

Mr. Garrison:
Hey there, shitty-shitty fag-fag, shitty-shitty fag-fag, how do you do?

Cartman:
I said "shit" on television.

Stan:
But they're gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss it.

Kyle:
I don't really give a fuck.

Mr. Garrison:
Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that.

Randy:
You mean I can't say [beep]?

Mr. Garrison:
No, see, you got beeped.

Guy:
You mean you have to be a [beep] to say [beep]?

Mr. Garrison:
Yep.

Jimbo:
Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." [he looks shocked]

Randy:
Hey...you didn't get beeped.

Jimbo:
Uh-oh.

Mr. Garrison:
Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You want to go make out or something?

[the boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's serious illness]

Cartman:
[urgently] You guys! Look here! [the group rushes over] In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe! That COULD explain how Kyle got it in his vagina!

Kyle:
Cartman, this is serious!

Cartman:
So am I, Kyle-- if that sand in your vagina doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb.

Cartman:
Cripple fight!

Cartman:
[over PA] Attention, shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside.

Randy Marsh:
You do not say "big silly goose," you call him an asshole like a normal kid!

Stan:
But Dad, I was just trying to-

Randy Marsh:
Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!

Stan:
[to Cartman] Asshole.

Randy Marsh:
That's better.

Cartman:
Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!

Jimmy:
Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy, learn a new word," huh, huh. [imitates Timmy] "Timmy!"

Timmy:
[angry] Aah!

Jimmy:
[continues impression] I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy!

Randy Marsh:
Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years.

Stan:
Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. [everyone laughs]

Cartman:
That's not funny! Jesus Christ!

Timmy:
Timmy!

Jimmy:
Not this year!

Jimmy:
Timmy? Timmy, I told you to put on the hat! [punches him in the stomach]

Jimmy:
You dirty motherfucker!

Butters:
I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.

Magic Workshop Leader:
...Right, yeah. Eh, see, the reason that you are unhandy.

Butters:
[coldly] And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do you think I'm unhappy?

Stan:
Kyle?!

[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him]

Stan:
[gasps] Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle:
[off screen, in the distance] You bastards!

Stan:
Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle:
[still off screen, in the distance] You bastards!

Stan:
[follows Kyle's voice] Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Cartman:
[to Stan and Kyle] Ah, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you want to get a room so you can make out for a while? [laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls] Ow! [Stan kicks him in the balls] Aargh! [boys take turns kicking him] Stop it! Aaargh!

Stan:
Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.

Butters:
I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.

Stan No, I'm Stan.

Kyle:
You're Stan? Where's Kenny?

Stan:
Who are you?

Kyle:
I'm Kyle.

Cartman:
He-he, guess who I am, guys?

Kyle:
I'm not going anywhere.

Stan:
Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here!

Kyle:
Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.

Stan:
Oh wait, who am I again?

Kyle:
You're Stan.

[As Cartman tries to recruit the other kids to help him take revenge]

Stan:
Why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you?

Cartman:
Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Well, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll never take MY GODDAMNED SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND TWELVE CENTS!!!" Now who's with me?!!

[Cartman turns around; All the other kids have left, except for Timmy]

Timmy:
Timmy!

Cartman:
[groans] Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy.

Timmy:
Eu uh, living a lie, Timmih. [rolls out of the room on his wheelchair]

Cartman:
Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used] It's delicious, Chef- I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins's pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [a shot of Scott talking with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]

Mr. Denkins:
[looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassing and I was protecting myself. I-I have my rights.

Scott:
My...mom and dad are...dead? [a shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]

Cartman:
I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... [a shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [more faces of horror behind Cartman] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [a gleefully evil look comes over Cartman] I call it... "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."

Scott:
[looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened] Oh my God! [gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger; he tosses it away] Oh my God! [vomits off to the side]

Cartman:
[leaping up on the table and sings] Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, I made you eat your par-ents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are horrified]

Stan:
Jesus Christ, dude!

Scott:
[grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead! [pounds the table] No! Nooo! [Radiohead, not knowing what has just happened, arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]

Thom:
Um, excuse me?

Stan:
Who are you?

Jonny:
We're that band, Radiohead.

Ed:
[to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby!

Colin:
Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?

Thom:
You know, everyone has problems. It doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.

Ed:
Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [the members of the band start leaving]

Thom:
Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.

Phil:
Little crybaby.

Scott:
[gathers himself and looks] No, wait! Waaiit! Oh my God, Oh my Gooood! [buries his face in the table and bawls again.] Nooo!

Cartman:
[walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yeees! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [starts licking Scott's tears off his face] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.

Kyle:
...Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.

Stan:
Good call.

Cartman:
Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. [licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face] Mm-yummy, you guys! [fade out, then quickly back in to Looney Tunes-style iris] a-Be-de-be-de, that's all, folks!

Young Terrance and Phillip:
Beef and lamb, chicken and ham

Step to the left and clap your hands!

Gosh, we love that chicken and ham

Don't they love that chicken and ham?

Woman:
Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?

Man:
It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian.

Woman:
Oh.

Phillip:
Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried about all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war."

Terrance:
Here's a missile for ya! [farts]

Phillip:
Say, Terrance, what should we do about this strange planet we've crashed on?

Terrance:
I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas.

Phillip:
Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? [farts; they both laugh]

Goat Leader:
As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas.

Phillip:
Wow, that sucks.

Cartman:
Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents!

Phillip:
Yeah, whatever, kid.

Stan:
He'll do it, dude!

Stan:
Look, you guys! That line isn't long!

Kyle:
Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts!

Cartman:
Kenny's a random slut!

Kyle:
[to God] Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!

Cartman:
[a mummy pops out of a casket to his right] Whoa! Heheh. [a skeleton pops out to his right] Whoa! [a ghost pops on from his left] Whoa! Heheheheheh. [he exits the ride and ambles back to the road] Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh.

Kyle:
[in the distance, while Cartman speaks] Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! [the sound of chain-link is heard] Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts!

Cartman:
[lifts his hand to his ear to hear better] What the hell?

Kyle:
Hohohooho! Oowwww!

Cartman:
YOU SONS OF BITCHES! [goes towards the source of the sound]

[Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]

Stan:
Come on, dude!

Kyle:
Hoh Gohod, I popped it!! Oh it hu-hurts!!

Cartman:
[arriving] What the hell are you doing?!

Stan:
Aw, crap.

Kyle:
Oh God, get me off of here!! [falls off, but outside the park]

Stan:
Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle]

Kyle:
[now standing, rubbing his ass] Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I need my creeheam!!

Stan:
Alright, let's go.

Cartman:
[reaches the scene, but stays inside the park] That's right! You stay out!

Stan:
You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better!

Kyle:
My life can't get any worse!

Stan:
You'll see! We'll get in! [walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]

Cartman:
If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!

Cartman:
What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch.

Kyle:
Agh! [the nurse moves the pincers one way] Agghh! [then another]

Nurse:
Just a little more. [one twist more] There we go. [withdraws the pincers. Gerald and Sheila enter Kyle's room with the Bible]

Gerald:
Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today?

Kyle:
[the nurse leaves] Awesome. [Gerald and Sheila take their seats near Kyle]

Sheila:
Kyle, we wanna tell you about the Book of Job. It's a story from the Bible.

Kyle:
I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me?

Gerald:
Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. [Kyle gets cross, and Gerald corrects himself] Uh, okay. [begins the story. A Middle Eastern scene appears] You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan, a long, long time ago. [camera pans across the landscape and rests behind a man in a red robe and long gray hair] Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children [they come out of a building with their mother], a wonderful wife, and many friends. [his friends show up to join the family behind Job, a proud and happy man]

Sheila:
[a shot of Job petting a bull] He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor. [Job brings a bag of food to a woman with three kids next to her. One of them, a girl, walks up, and her mother hands her a loaf of bread]

Gerald:
He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God. [Job falls to his knees in praise, as his shepherds look on]

Sheila:
But one day, Satan went up to Heaven and talked to God.

Kyle:
[still mad] Satan talked to God?

Sheila:
Yes, in the Book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, "Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day."

Gerald:
But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things, he would curse your name."

Sheila:
To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name."

Gerald:
And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job's oxen and donkeys, and murder all his workers. [that scene is shown]

Sheila:
Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees. [meteorites rain down and destroy the fields and workers there, as well as the sheep]

Gerald:
And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and kill them all. [the palm trees bend low as the winds pick up, then the two-story house collapses as the palm trees are swept away by the winds, and Job's family dies]

Sheila:
Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," and praised God's name. [Job falls to his knees and prays to God.]

Gerald:
So then, Job got painful sores all over his body. [shown, with the burning fields behind him]

Sheila:
He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith. [another shot of Job among the dead, then a close-up of Job with his sores]

Gerald:
God said to Satan, "See? I told you. Job still praises me." [all that is heard after that is the sound of the heart monitor attached to Kyle.]

Kyle:
[a few seconds later] And that's it? That's the end?

Sheila:
Basically.

Kyle:
That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan?

Gerald:
Oh. Uh, I don't know.

Kyle:
Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.

[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]

Stan:
Dude, are you okay?

Kyle:
[sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?

Stan:
Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in.

Sheila:
I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.

Stan:
Jesus.

Kyle:
But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude.

Sheila:
Kyle, don't say such things!

Kyle:
Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?

Gerald:
Kyle, you just don't understand, it's-

Kyle:
No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!

[Interior scene, synagogue. Stan finds Kyle sitting alone in the empty pews. Sad music plays.]

Stan:
Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! [beat] Kyle?

Kyle:
Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I-I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, w-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park.

Stan:
...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but—

Kyle:
(in tears) Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah! To believe that we should all behave a certain way and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "Y'know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! It doesn't make sense! WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?!? Ow!...

Stan:
Look, Cartman...he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park?

Cut to a montage of Cartman riding various rides at his park, laughing and cheering in euphoria all the way.

Clerk:
Welcome to Cartmanland.

[Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents.]

Sheila:
Isn't he getting any better, doctor?

Doctor:
I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run. [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]

Announcer:
And now back to Money Quest, on HBC.

Host 1:
[Camera zooms in on the two hosts] Welcome back to Money Quest. [Kyle looks at the show] In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman [his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts] has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands.

Host 2:
And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing.

Host 1:
Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country.

[At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...]

Waitress:
I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now.

[At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....]

Clerk:
No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in.

[At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]

Associate:
[the shoppers rush out of there] Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! [kicks the last shopper out]

[Back to Money Quest...]

Host 1:
Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time.

[Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...]

Kyle:
Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... [passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]

Sheila:
[approaches] Kyle? Kyle? [turns to Gerald] Get the doctor!

Mr. Fun:
My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around!

Chris:
He sure did.

Mr. Fun:
Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this.

Cartman:
Hey, there you are!

Mr. Fun:
Oh, hello! Congratulations on your success.

Cartman:
Just give me my money back.

Mr. Fun:
What?

Cartman:
I changed my mind, I don't want your stupid park.

Mr. Fun:
..But it's doing great!

Cartman:
You call this great?! I call that hell! Trade me back, god damn it!!

Mr. Fun:
You bet! I'll go get your money right now! [both leave]

Kid:
Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets?

Cartman:
GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!!!!

Gerald:
Isn't he responding at all, doctor?

Doctor:
[turns around to face them] I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. Normally, the body would fight the infection, but he's... he's just... given up on life.

Sheila:
But then... are you saying...?

Doctor:
There's nothing I can do. Little fella's just... lost his will to live.

Sheila:
[walks up to Kyle] Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight!

[North Park Funland, day. The old North Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer.]

Cartman:
Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass! [three men in suits approach Cartman]

Agent:
Excuse me? Eric Cartman?

Cartman:
[turns to face them] Yeah?

Agent:
I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred-thousand-dollar discrepancy. [to the two other men] Seize the assets. [the men grab the discrepancy]

Cartman:
Hey. Hey, that's my money!

Mr. Garrett:
There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. [takes the wagon with the other half million]

Cartman:
What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time!

Mr. Garrett:
You still owe thirteen thousand dollars more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see you in court. [the men walk away with the million]

Cartman:
Ye-You can't take my money, Goddamnit!

Mr. Garrett:
We know how well your park is doing; you'll make it back in no time.

Cartman:
Ah! But I-I-I... [sees Mr. Fun through a fence and rushes to talk to him] Hey! Hey Mr. Fun, I changed my mind. I need the park to make my money back.

Mr. Fun:
Nohoho way, José!

Cartman:
But I'm getting sued now. If I don't have the park, I lose everything!

Mr. Fun:
"I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from France." [turns around and disappears into the crowd]

Cartman:
This can't be happening! AGGGHH!!

[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room.]

Stan:
Kyle, you gotta see!! [the doctor looks at him. Sheila and Gerald turn around]

Sheila:
[sadly] Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. Oh, Gerald! [weeps into Gerald's chest]

Stan:
Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached?

Doctor:
Well, I s-supposed it could be rigged, but I--

Stan:
Then damnit man, do it!

[North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls.]

Cartman:
It isn't fair! [throws another stone] You goddamned assholes, it isn't fair! [throws another. Stan arrives with the doctor, the nurse, Kyle, and Kyle's parents]

Stan:
Look, Kyle. Look. [smiles]

Kyle:
[opens his eyes] Huh?

Cartman:
You just build me up to chop me down, didn't you?! What about my dream?! What about my money?! [throws another stone]

Kyle:
[more alert] Huh?

Cartman:
I'M SO PISSED OFF! [the security guard arrives, ready to spray Cartman]

Security Guard:
Move along, sir! You are vandalizing private property!

Cartman:
Ey! You used to work for me! [the guard sprays Cartman in the face] Ut Ut aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you son of a bitch! [coughs and wheezes. Stan grins and Kyle's vital stats get stronger. Kyle sighs]

Stan:
Kyle!

Doctor:
He's coming back.

Sheila:
That's it, baby. That's it.

Cartman:
Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks!

Doctor:
Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is going into remission!

Hemorrhoid:
[receding into the colon] Oh, shit!

Stan:
Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable. [a shot of Cartman on his knees, sobbing] Even more miserable than he was before because he's had his dream and lost it.

Cartman:
It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna die! I wanna daaahahie! [Kyle looks at Cartman, then up at the sky, then sits up and removes the oxygen mask]

Kyle:
You are up there! [smiles]

Randy:
[screams]

Sharon:
STANLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?

Stan:
I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, Sparky, red rocket! :[everyone is shocked]

Sharon:
STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!

Stan:
My room? Why?

Sharon:
GO, STANLEY! [chuckles nervously] He gets very good grades.

[later, in Stan's room]

Sharon:
Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?

Stan:
No.

Randy:
Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. [Sharon glares at him] Uh, I mean ever- beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.

Miss Choksondik:
You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease.

Chef:
The right time to start having sex is 17.

Sheila:
So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?

Chef:
Nope, just 17.

Gerald:
But what if you're not ready at 17?

Chef:
17, you're ready.

Stan:
[he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car] So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez.

Kyle:
[as Jennifer Lopez] No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies!

Stan:
That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. [pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]

Kyle:
AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Stan:
Scream for me, bitch!

Kyle:
AH!

[the doll's face melts off]

Kyle and Stan:
Whoa, awesome!

Mr. Garrison:
Now, class, who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny?

Jenny:
It flies around and it's endangered.

Mr. Garrison:
That's a condor, Jenny. Condor. Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of ST D's. Yes, Fillmore?

Fillmore:
Can we do finger paints?

Mr. Garrison:
NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGER PAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. [pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo] First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth [he does so] ...and apply. [it pans to the kids watching as he demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry] And it's as easy as that. Any questions?

Chef:
Parents. There are reasons why teachers can't teach sex in school. They might not know a lot about it, [camera fixes on Mr. Mackey] they might have a bad opinion of it, [camera moves to Ms. Choksondik] or they might just be a complete pervert. [camera moves to Mr. Garrison]

Mr. Garrison:
Hey! Why'd the camera pan over to me?!

Ms. Choksondik:
Are you wearing a condom?

Ms. Choksondik:
Oh, well. Fuck it.

Mr. Mackey:
Eric, what the heck are you doing?

Cartman:
I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up.

Mr. Mackey:
Why are you wearing a condom?

Cartman:
So I don't get AIDS.

Mr. Mackey:
Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex.

[all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]

Male Pharmacist:
Can I help you boys?

Stan:
Yeah, we need condoms!

Male Pharmacist:
Condoms...

Kyle:
Yeah, quick!

Male Pharmacist:
...How old are you boys?

Stan:
Why does that matter?

Butters:
I'll be 9 next week!

Male Pharmacist:
Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.

Kyle:
Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?

Male Pharmacist:
I just don't think kids your age should--

Female Pharmacist:
Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.

Male Pharmacist:
But...they're children!

Female Pharmacist:
Would you rather them do it unprotected?

Cartman:
Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?

Male Pharmacist:
I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!

Female Pharmacist:
Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.

Stan:
Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.

Male Pharmacist:
I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!

Female Pharmacist:
Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.

Butters:
50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!

Female Pharmacist:
No, you have to change them.

Kyle:
Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!

[the boys are reading the condom instructions]

Stan:
Doesn't it give any other directions?

Butters:
Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. [reading the disclaimer] If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studs. [ST D's]

Kyle:
What are studs?

Butters:
Huh...how the heck should I know? [opens condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut! [touches it] Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey!

Cartman:
Just put it on, Butters.

Butters:
How come I got to go first?

Cartman:
Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering?

Butters:
Oh all right then. [turns around and pulls his pants down] Oh, it's all sticky.

Kyle:
It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.

Butters:
I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman looks over]

Stan:
Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo!

Cartman:
I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on!

Kyle:
Sure...

Butters:
But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.

Tweek:
Gah! I got rubber bands!

Butters:
[fastening the condom with rubber bands] Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on.

Stan:
How do you feel?

Butters:
...Pretty good.

Cartman:
Do you feel protected?

Butters:
Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.

Stan:
All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on.

Timmy:
TIMMEH!

[The boys approach a stronghold with a moat and the words "Boys keep out" painted on the gate. Butters is driving a toy electric car and wearing a hockey mask. The girls are heavily armed]

Wendy:
[at the helm of a gun turret] Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant!

Bebe:
Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!

Stan:
Ha! They're your diseases!

Kyle:
Yeah! You get out of town!

Cartman:
Here, talk to them, Butters.

Butters:
[lifts up his mask] Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say?

Cartman:
Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.

Butters:
[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.

Kyle:
[to Stan] Man, he's pretty good.

Towelie:
Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high?

Cartman:
Towelie, you are the worst character ever.

Towelie:
I know.

Towelie:
If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel.

Cartman:
You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time.

Towelie:
Don't preach to me, fatso!

Cartman:
I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!

Towelie:
YOU'RE stupid!

Cartman:
Oh, yeah, well you're a towel!

Towelie:
YOU'RE a towel!

Towelie:
Oh, man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on.

Towelie:
That's my last J, asshole!

Stan:
America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.

Cartman:
I told you, jawas have no heart.

Kyle:
Jawas?

Cartman:
You know, sand people.

Stan's Afghan counterpart:
[to the other counterparts] We're speaking in English; does that make sense?

CNN Newscaster:
The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding.

Kyle:
You really think that your civilization is better than ours? You people play games by killing animals and oppress women!

Afghan Kid:
It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walking down the red carpet at the Emmy's.

Stan:
[to Kyle] He's got us there, dude.

Towelie:
Don't forget to bring a towel! [the boys are irritated]

Cartman:
Oh no, not Towelie.

Towelie:
When going some place new, you should always bring a towel.

Stan:
Okay, thanks, Towelie.

Towelie:
You want to get high?

Cartman:
[talking fast] NO, WE DON'T WANT TO GET HIGH!

Towelie:
You mean, you don't want Towelie around?

Cartman:
That's right!

Towelie:
So am I to understand, there's been a...Towelie ban? [chuckles. The boys are irritated again]

Stan:
God damn it, get the hell out of here, Towelie!

Towelie:
Alright, see ya.

Randy Marsh:
Stanley, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan?

Randy Marsh:
Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about [checks his watch] eight weeks now?

[The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers]

Kyle:
Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's about time we get back to our house in Canada, isn't it?

Cartman:
Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you.

Stan:
Cartman, you stupid asshole.

Photographer:
Take off your hat, please?

Kyle:
But I never take off my hat.

Photographer:
Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you looking natural.

Kyle:
This is how I look natural.

Jimmy:
Why did the...pigeon cross the road?

Cartman:
Okay, why?

Jimmy:
Because it was having sex with the chichi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-chicken.

[Kyle 2 is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin for being Jewish]

Ms. Choksondik:
Now, Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class.

Cartman:
Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Ah! Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Kyle 2:
Cartman!

Kyle 2:
But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart!

Kyle 2:
[after seeing commercial for IT] That looks pretty gay.

Mr Garrison:
Excuse me what the hell are you doing?

Government agent 1:
It's alright we're with the government.

Government agent 2:
We're just shutting you down.

Mr Garrison:
Shutting me down why?

Government agent 3:
The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your new vehicle is causing them to lose money.

Mr Garrison:
Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! Ah-t put that down!

Agent 4:
Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again, by shutting you down and making ITs illegal.

Mr Garrsion:
OH, GOD-DAMMIT! You'd better be kidding!

Agent 5:
Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired.

Mr Garrison:
THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!!

Agent 6:
That may be true. But if you build, sell, or ride another IT, "it" will be the last time. Have a nice night.

Mr Garrison:
HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs! You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines!

Will Smith Jr:
...and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Puffa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size.

Token: (singing) Why can't I be like all the other kids? They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns And cut-up hot dogs for lunch It's not my fault my parents succeed so much There's no one in town I can relate to I play with autographed baseball bats While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones Has a boy ever felt so alone? Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down Please, God, send more rich kids… To my… town. I don't fit in anywhere.

Mr. Garrison:
Well, yeah, but at least I got rid of those damn ni- [episode ends]

Cartman:
[on the phone] Oh, please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck... Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck: I wasn't born yesterday either!

Cartman:
I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake. [laughs]

Stan:
Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone Else's f-f-friend?

Chef:
There, there, Stan, sometimes God take those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about Himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago - he just can't get over it. So he doesn't care who he takes: children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?

Stan:
Then why does God give us anything to start with?

Chef:
Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first, you give it a lollipop. Then, you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.

Stan:
I think I understand.

[Kenny has just discover his sickness died and became free]

Kenny:
(laughing a little) I'm free. I'm free. Quick, QUICK! Wish for something outrageous, say 'I-I want the Nile'! Wish for the Nile, try that.

Stan:
Did he say anything before he went?

Kyle:
He just said, "Where's Stan?"

Kenny:
NO WAY! [points and laughs] OH, does this feel good! Oh! I'm free! I'm free at last! [starts packing a suitcase] I'm hitting the road! I'm off to see the world! I'm-

Mr. Garrison:
And so, we will all miss you, Kenny, your playful laughter, your innocent smile.

Kenny:
[tearfully] Me too, pal. (sniffs) No matter what anybody says... you'll always be a teacher to me. [He and Mr. Garrison hug]

Butters:
[on seeing his dad "wrestling"] Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds of guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!

Butters:
Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for saying' "nut sack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself. [slaps his right hand with his left]

Truck Driver:
Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some god damn poontang.

Butters:
Yeah. I could use some god damn poontang myself right now.

Butters:
Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road?

Old Man:
That road leads to Conifer. You want to go to South Park, you've got to go down that road. [indicates gloomy road leading through a twisted-looking forest] Course, I have never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in his cellar. You should find an old bridge about halfway up; that bridge is cursed, you know. They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yap, Lotta history on that road.

Butters:
You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie!

Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys:
One of us, One of us, Gobble Gobble, Gobble Gobble, One of us!"

Chris Stotch:
And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J.. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a LIAR!" [points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown] "YOU KNOW SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE NOT TELLING US, YOU SLIMY SCUMBAG LIAR!" [back to Chris] You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that murderer"! [a shot of O.J.] "You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!" [back to Chris] And to me, people might say things like, [a shot of Condit] "LIAR! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW, YOU GODDAMNED LIAR!" [back to Chris] And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, [a shot of the Ramseys] "YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR KID, SO STOP ACTING LIKE VICTIMS AND CONFESS, YOU MURDERING MURDERERS!" [a shot of O.J.] "CONFESS!" [a shot of Condit] "LIAR! CONFESS!!" [back to Chris] You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth.

Butters:
Oh well, when I get a chipotle blue-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad being queer and my mom is trying to kill me. I'm going to be okay.

Stan:
Really?

Butters:
No, I'm lying.