The Adventures of Lano and Woodley, Season 2

Frank:
[Grabs the fire extinguisher.] Col, come over here.

Colin:
No, don’t muck around with that okay, seriously, no seriously don’t muck around with that.

Frank:
I’ve come up with a new end for the show.

Colin:
Yeah, but I, look, we can talk…

Frank:
You know how it ends?

Colin:
Yeah, but…

Frank:
It ends by me going ‘TAKE THAT!’ [Tries to spray Col with fire extinguisher. Nothing happens.] Okay, TAKE THAT ALL ONTO YA! AND YOU CAN ALL TAKE IT ON YOU! Well, that’s a bit embarrassing. Because I don’t know how to MAKE IT ALL BE TAKEN ON YA! I thought I just, must have been out of stuff. Unfortunate, isn’t it. It would have been much better if I could have made it BE ALL TAKEN ON YOU! You know. I could have made it be TAKE THAT ON YOU ON YOUR BODICE! You know. That would have been better. If I could’ve um, TAKE THAT! TAKE THAT ONTO YOUR SKIN SO YOU GET A COLD BURN WHICH I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD GET UNTIL ME AND CLEM WERE MUCKING AROUND WITH THIS BEFORE THE SHOW, AND I GOT ONE!

[Colin turns and walks to the side of the stage. Frank follows.]

Frank:
TAKE IT INTO YOUR KNEES! ALTHOUGH I MEAN THE BACK OF YOUR KNEES AND I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S CALLED YOUR KNEES CAUSE NORMALLY WHEN PEOPLE SAY KNEES THEY THINK OF THE FRONT. BUT IN THIS PARTICULAR OCCASION I’M REFERRING TO THE BACK!

[Colin drinks a bottle of water.]

Frank:
TAKE IT ONTO YOUR PINKY SO IT FREEZES AND BECOMES A WHITEY.

[Colin finishes his drink and walks back to the centre of the stage.]

Frank:
TAKE IT ONTO YOUR BACK FACE! TAKE IT ON TO YOUR RIGHT EYEBALL, SO IT FREEZES AND CAN’T MOVE AROUND, SO THEN WHEN YOU LOOK AROUND, ONLY YOUR LEFT EYEBALL MOVES, AND YOUR RIGHT EYEBALL STAYS COMPLETELY STATIONARY, AND YOU FREAK JAMES OUT!

Colin:
[There’s a long pause. Colin beckons Frank over, and says rather calmly,] If all the village idiots, in all the villages, left their villages, and formed their own village - OF IDIOTS - in that village, YOU would be the village idiot. [Another pause.] Take that into your backface.

Frank:
Actually Col, I think you should TAKE THAT! [He whacks Colin in the face with the extinguisher.]