The Adventures of Lano and Woodley, Season 2

Frank:
I'm gonna go on a long walk and collect autumn leaves.

Colin:
You'd better make it a long walk.

Frank:
Why?

Colin:
Because its SPRING...

Colin:
I don’t think you’re pulling your weight, frankly!

Frank:
My name’s not Frankly!

Colin:
[confused] What?

Frank:
You dropped the wood!

Colin:
[looking around] Where?

Frank:
NO you called me Frankly, my name’s Frank Woodley, frankly it makes me uncomfortable.

Colin:
What makes you uncomfortable?

Frank:
Frankly!

Colin:
Yes, I wish you were just honest with me. What’s upsetting you?

Frank:
I don’t like it when you drop the wood!

Colin:
I didn’t drop the wood! Frankly, I don’t what you’re talking about!

Frank:
Don’t call me Frankly!

Colin:
Cut the wood!

Frank:
I’m not cutting the Wood. It’s part of my name!

Colin:
Grab an axe and cut up pieces of timber for me!

Frank:
Oh, okay. Why didn’t you just say so!

Colin:
You put the apple on your head and I'll shoot this arrow through your head... Through the apple on your head.

Frank:
If I didn't have my Autumn leaf album in my jacket pocket, that arrow would've gone strait through my heart!

Colin:
Oooh... it is the emperor of bellywhackas!

Col:
[dressed in the Penguin Man Costume] Hey look, I'm Penguin Man!

Frank:
Hello Penguin Man. I wish my friend Col was here. He loves you.

Colin:
Oooooooh! It is the lord, the messiah of all bellywhackas!

Frank:
Do you believe in Harold, Col?

Colin:
Harold? Who's Harold?

Frank:
Harold. That’s God’s name, everybody knows that. It’s in that prayer: 'Our father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name'.

Frank:
[Holy music is playing.] It was the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard. It was God’s voice. And God said... [The music stops.] ‘Frank. Frank, go back. You’re just winded, you’re getting completely carried away, now go back.’

[Colin and Frank are watching a game show to decide who’s smarter. Colin’s buzzer is a rubber duck, Frank’s is a whoopee cushion.]

TV host:
What is a glockenspiel?

Colin:
[Squeezes his rubber duck.] What somebody says when they’re trying to sell you a glocken.

TV host:
What is the sum of the inside angles of a triangle?

Frank:
[Squeezes his whoopee cushion.] Albert Einstein.

TV host:
Who created Tom Sawyer?

Colin:
Mr and Mrs Sawyer.

TV host:
Ichthyology is the study of what?

Frank:
Albert Einstein.

TV host:
Name three prime numbers.

Frank:
Albert Einstein.

Colin:
What the hell are you doing?

Frank:
Well, I haven’t got very much general knowledge, Col, so I thought I’d try using the law of averages.

TV host:
What is the chemical symbol for sulphur?

[Both squeeze their buzzes, but neither answer. Col looks at Frank.]

Frank:
Oh, I didn’t actually squeeze my buzzer then.

Frank:
I've got beard fear!

TV host:
Who created the formula e=mc2?

Frank:
[Pause. He eventually squeezes the whoopee cushion.] Albert Einstein.

TV host:
[To the contestant.] Hugo?

Hugo:
Albert Einstein.

TV host:
Correct! That’s it, Hugo...

[Frank looks shocked, Col looks outraged.]

Frank:
It was Albert Einstein! And that’s the last question. And I’m the only one that got one right! So that means... that means, I won! I am the winner!

Colin:
She may not have been my flesh and blood, but she was still my mum. She was there when I learnt how to walk, she was there when I learnt how to ride a bike... and when I got bullied at school by a kid who stole my lunch money and gave me a wedgie by pulling my undies up my bum, it was her who advised me to give up teaching.

[Frank is talking about how boring his mum is.]

Frank:
I wish someone would take her out.

Colin:
Right... and make it look like an accident...

Frank:
No, I meant take her out to dinner.

Frank:
That's it, tiger, walk to me!

Colin:
Frank, the baby's a week old! Little baby Cris...to...pher can’t walk anywhere!

Frank:
Well, that’s the sort of negative parenting that I've come to expect from you.

Colin (voiceover):
In the last episode of "The Adventures of Lano & Woodley", Col became an international jewel thief! And Frank became the sole survivor of a plane crash in the African Congo...

Frank (voiceover):
Hang on! That's not what happened!

Colin (voiceover):
Yeah, I'm trying to confuse the audience, make them think "Hey, I don't remember seeing that!"

Frank (voiceover):
Just tell them what happened!

Colin (voiceover):
All right, shall we do the intro first?

Frank (voiceover):
Yeah, sure.

[Frank almost cuts Colin's towel to change the baby's diaper.]

Colin:
Hey, what're you doing? That's my towel!

Frank:
Eh? Oh, I didn't even realise. I just grabbed the first towel I saw.

Colin:
[grabs Frank's towel] Well, why do we have to use my towel?

Frank:
[swipes his towel from Colin] Well, why do we have to use my towel? [throws it onto the table with Colin's towel]

Colin:
[chuckles] Look, this is ridiculous! This is so petty! Look, it doesn't worry me whose towel we use.

Frank:
Well, it doesn't worry me either.

Colin:
Okay, well if it doesn't worry you and if it doesn't worry me, we've just gotta use one of the towels. So let's just use, unhhh... [grabs Frank's towel] ...your towel.

Frank:
[throws his towel back on the table] Col, don't start that again please. We haven't got time for that nonsense. We're in a hurry. Pass me...your towel.

Colin:
[hands him Frank's towel, cheekily] Okay, there you go.

Frank:
[realises it's his towel and places it back on the table] Hang on...

Colin:
Okay! Fine, we'll use my towel. While we're arguing, the little baby is suffering in there with a dirty nappy! Why don't we just make a decision? We're using my towel. [grabs his towel and takes the scissors] It'll be better this way anyway. [prepares to cut]

Frank:
Good. [stops Colin] Why would it be better this way?

Colin:
Well my, uhh...my towel's more hygenic. It'll be cleaner.

Frank:
I think my towel's cleaner.

Colin:
[throws his towel on the table] Alright, we'll use your towel!

Frank:
Well, you turned around rather quickly!

Colin:
Okay, we'll use my towel!

Frank:
Good. [to the baby] We're gonna use Col's towel!

[Colin takes Frank's towel and rips it in half.]

Frank:
That was my towel.

Colin:
Oh, was it? Oh, sorry. Well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Colin:
Get rid of the ploppy pants!

Frank:
I can feel it in my bodice!

Frank:
Mrs Pickles, me and Colin are going to Hawaii for two weeks, could you please remember to feed our cat?

Mrs Pickles:
Okay.

Frank:
Thank you Mrs Pickles.

Mrs Pickles:
Okay.

Frank:
[Climbs down steps. Stops.] Oh. Mrs Pickles?

Mrs Pickles:
Yes?

Frank:
I just remembered something fairly important about our cat.

Mrs Pickles:
Yes.

Frank:
We haven’t got a cat.

Mrs Pickles:
Okay.

Frank:
[Climbs steps. Knocks on door.] Mrs Pickles?

Mrs Pickles:
Yes?

Frank:
Mrs Pickles, I just came up with a brilliant idea. While we’re away, buy us a cat and remember to feed that!

Colin:
Captain Fargas! Captain Fargas! What the Fargas is going on?

Frank:
We’re on the island.

Colin:
Yes.

Frank:
Your tie.

Colin:
Yes.

Frank:
What about your microphone? It’s not, is it?

Colin:
Pointers for surviving in a tropical environment. Look it says here, um, beware of the following plants…

Frank:
[Gasps.] The following plants? I’ve never heard of following plants! What do they do after they follow you? Do they grab you and devour you with their woody limbs?

Colin:
No they do not!

Frank:
Do they eat you into their timber teeth?

Colin:
No they don’t!

Colin:
How did you learn how to climb a coconut tree?

Frank:
'Cause, once I was watching Getaway.

Colin:
Getaway!

Frank:
With Catriona Rowntree.

[Colin pretends to feel himself up.]

Frank:
[Laughs.] We think we’re hilarious! Yes. And I saw the Fijians climbing them so I watched how to learn, I learned how to, I saw them! But there’s no coconuts.

Colin:
What?

Frank:
Must be the wrong season or something.

Colin:
Bummer.

Frank:
Maybe we can chew on these luscious palm fronds. Oh no, they taste all plasticy. You know what that tastes like?

Colin:
What?

Frank:
That tastes like the shade cloth you get at Bunnings. Lowest prices are just the beginning but unfortunately nutritional value isn't the ending.

Colin:
Why don’t we split up into two groups…

Frank:
Oh! [Waves his hand in the air.]

Colin:
What?

Frank:
Can I be in your group?

Frank:
Don’t do anything stupid.

Colin:
Yeah.

Frank:
Like for example, if a fly lands on me check and walks across my top lip don’t go [sniffs loudly] and suck it up my nose. ‘Cause that would be stupid.

Colin:
That would be stupid and dumb and wrong.

Frank:
I did that once. It was stupid. [Goes to walk off stage but turns around.] No I really did do it. It was a weird moment. As it was walking across there I just couldn’t help but think, I reckon I could catch that! And I went [sniffs] and I caught, and I did! It was stupid.

Colin:
Gee, nightfall comes quickly on this island. Must be something to do with no daylight savings in Brisbane.

Frank:
I can’t stop thinking about homos. Lots and lots of lovely homos. It’s my favourite Lebanese dip.

Colin:
Hummus!

Frank:
Hummus!

Colin:
It’s pronounced hummus!

Frank:
Col, I’ve gotta be honest with you.

Colin:
What?

Frank:
I’m a little bit uncomfortable about how much swearing there has been on the show.

Colin:
What?

Frank:
In the show, there’s been too much swearing.

Colin:
We’re on an island. We’re dying alright?

Frank:
Yes but there, you know, we’re a very visual act. And so often, you know, sometimes kids come.

Colin:
What?

Frank:
There might be kids here and you know what? We’re not setting a very good example with all the language. I don’t feel like, are there any kids here tonight? Any kids at all? Here you are. What about this little, what’s your name mate? James. How old are you James? James is nine. He’s nine. You’re a role model for him.

Colin:
If I’m his role model, he should get out more. I swear. There’s plenty of other role models okay?

Frank:
James, I just wanna make it very clear to you okay? That um, even though we’re swearing in our show, a little bit, we’re certainly not encouraging you to ever use the word fuck.

Colin:
What are you doing?

Frank:
I need to make this clear. Don’t ever say fuck James. Don’t say fuck.

Colin:
What?

Frank:
If you said fuck James, that would be very bad. But we can say fuck because we’re in a show. In shows you can say fuck. Once, James, once we were in this show called the chickens. And it went for eight months. It was like a festival show. And it went for eight months and in the whole show all we ever did was go ‘fuck, fuck, fuck,’ it was a great show! But it was a show. Can you see the difference? You know, in a show you can say fuck, but you should never. Like for example, if your mum ever says to you ‘come on James it’s time for bed.’ Don’t turn around and go ‘that’s fuck.’ Don’t. Because if you, if you said that James, if you said that, do you know what that would be? That would be fuck. And I can say that 'cause I’m in a show. And I’m sure your father agrees with me, at least I certainly hope he does because he’s, he’s quite a large muscular man!

Frank:
Are we going to do a song?

Colin:
I’m doing a song. Piss off.

[Every time the word 'salt' is said, an ominous noise happens.]

Colin:
We’ve gotta make some changes. We’ve got food, we’ve got water, what we need is leadership.

Frank:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Colin:
So I’ve had a bit of a chat with myself and I reckon from now on you should call me something like, um, king. Okay, and um…

Frank:
Col?

Colin:
What?

Frank:
There’s no way in the world that I’m ever gonna treat you as my king. [Colin gives Frank a nipple cripple.] Stop it, you’re hurting me your highness.

Colin:
Okay that’s good. I’ll be King Col. ‘Old King Cole, what a merry old sole, what a merry old sole was he.’

Frank:
Have you heard the second verse? It goes ‘Old King Cole, what a massive ass hole.’ Why do you get to be king? It’s not fair.

Colin:
I’m you king, do not insult me! [Bam, bam] I said insult all right? I didn’t… [Bam, bam] I didn't say salt alright, I… [Bam, bam]

Frank:
You’d better stop doing that mate or he’ll assault you. [Bam, bam] And he can do that cause he’s the king. He’s the sultan! [Bam, bam.]

[Trying to kill a chicken.]

Colin:
What was your idea hummus boy?

Frank:
You’re not gonna regret this king kong.

Colin:
I hope I’m not.

[Frank retrieves the fire extinguisher and sprays the chicken.]

Colin:
Hey, hey!

Frank:
Gotcha!

Colin:
What are you doing?

Frank:
I’m eating the chicken.

Colin:
You can’t kill the chicken with the fire extinguisher! That fire extinguisher is not on the island you idiot. It was from the theatre.

Frank:
Col, we’re starving to death. I don’t think now is the time for rigid adherences to theatrical convention.

Colin:
Look you idiot, if you can kill the chicken with the fire extinguisher that means if you want sweets you just go into the foyer and get a Kit Kat!

Frank:
Well, I can’t do that 'cause I don’t have any money, because my wallet went down in the plane. Get a bit of brainage!

Colin:
Give me the chicken.

Frank:
No.

Colin:
Give me the bird!

[Frank gives Col the middle finger.]

Colin:
Get down here so I can kill you!

Frank:
Well, that's an enticing invitation!

Frank:
Have you seen Lord of the Rings?

Colin:
No.

Frank:
That trilogy of films, that’s the most successful trilogy of films in all history and you know why?

Colin:
Why?

Frank:
It had a happy ending. It won 11 Oscars 'cause it had a happy ending. 'Cause Frodo gets the ring and he throws it into the volcano at the end he destroys it. It’s a happy ending. He gets it back. Into the volcano with that big eye. I don’t know what that was all about. And he destroys it. It’s a happy ending. He goes through all those trials and tribulations but at the end he gets it back. He throws it in. it’s a happy ending. IT TOOK HIM NINE, FUCKING, HOURS! But he gets it back, he gets it in. it’s a happy ending. It’s happy. It’s a happy ending.

Frank:
[Grabs the fire extinguisher.] Col, come over here.

Colin:
No, don’t muck around with that okay, seriously, no seriously don’t muck around with that.

Frank:
I’ve come up with a new end for the show.

Colin:
Yeah, but I, look, we can talk…

Frank:
You know how it ends?

Colin:
Yeah, but…

Frank:
It ends by me going ‘TAKE THAT!’ [Tries to spray Col with fire extinguisher. Nothing happens.] Okay, TAKE THAT ALL ONTO YA! AND YOU CAN ALL TAKE IT ON YOU! Well, that’s a bit embarrassing. Because I don’t know how to MAKE IT ALL BE TAKEN ON YA! I thought I just, must have been out of stuff. Unfortunate, isn’t it. It would have been much better if I could have made it BE ALL TAKEN ON YOU! You know. I could have made it be TAKE THAT ON YOU ON YOUR BODICE! You know. That would have been better. If I could’ve um, TAKE THAT! TAKE THAT ONTO YOUR SKIN SO YOU GET A COLD BURN WHICH I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD GET UNTIL ME AND CLEM WERE MUCKING AROUND WITH THIS BEFORE THE SHOW, AND I GOT ONE!

[Colin turns and walks to the side of the stage. Frank follows.]

Frank:
TAKE IT INTO YOUR KNEES! ALTHOUGH I MEAN THE BACK OF YOUR KNEES AND I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S CALLED YOUR KNEES CAUSE NORMALLY WHEN PEOPLE SAY KNEES THEY THINK OF THE FRONT. BUT IN THIS PARTICULAR OCCASION I’M REFERRING TO THE BACK!

[Colin drinks a bottle of water.]

Frank:
TAKE IT ONTO YOUR PINKY SO IT FREEZES AND BECOMES A WHITEY.

[Colin finishes his drink and walks back to the centre of the stage.]

Frank:
TAKE IT ONTO YOUR BACK FACE! TAKE IT ON TO YOUR RIGHT EYEBALL, SO IT FREEZES AND CAN’T MOVE AROUND, SO THEN WHEN YOU LOOK AROUND, ONLY YOUR LEFT EYEBALL MOVES, AND YOUR RIGHT EYEBALL STAYS COMPLETELY STATIONARY, AND YOU FREAK JAMES OUT!

Colin:
[There’s a long pause. Colin beckons Frank over, and says rather calmly,] If all the village idiots, in all the villages, left their villages, and formed their own village - OF IDIOTS - in that village, YOU would be the village idiot. [Another pause.] Take that into your backface.

Frank:
Actually Col, I think you should TAKE THAT! [He whacks Colin in the face with the extinguisher.]

Colin:
I did eat him, but I didn't kill him. He was already dead when I ate him. And I ate everything there was of him. His arms, his legs, his head, his little ball bag. I ate everything, Your Honour. And it wasn’t that tasty.

Colin:
The relevant thing here is that I ate Frank, but I didn't kill him. And may I say when I did eat him I had the worst diarrhoea I’ve ever had in my life. Which proves once and for all that Frank really did give me the shits!

Frank:
Do you sense their enchantment?

Colin:
I sense their bewilderment!

Frank:
YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T!

Colin:
Don't call me that!

Frank:
You know, that's typical of you. Every single time we get into an argument, you always get so hung up on... the truth.

[After desperately searching for food, Frank resorts to eating the sand.]

Frank:
Oh, what is that? It's a peanut. Awwwwwwww, I hate it when there's food in my sand!

Colin:
Out of all the audiences we’ve played to, you’d easily have to be… one of them.

Colin:
I get sucked into the dickhead vortex.

Frank:
C for Colin and F for –

Colin:
Fuckwit.

Frank:
Hi guy, try Thai high pie, bye!

Frank:
He said, you sprinkle it on your shoulders and on your head, and the birds, they come and eat. And I, you know, I thought that sounded really sweet. So he sprinkled the bird seed on me, and the birds came. THEY WERE EMUS!!!

Frank:
I’m a no bum talent, and you’re a no talent bum.

Frank:
He turned my nanna into a scoopy bum!

Colin:
Don’t you ever suck me again!

Frank:
How do you come up with these ideas? Where do you find them in your, from behind your face? The Great Wall of China.

Colin:
I just read about it in a book.

Frank:
Oh, I’m hoping one day to read a book.

Colin [as Orville]:
I've just realised, we're speaking in British accents.

Frank [as Wilbur]:
Yes?

Colin [as Orville]:
We're American!