The Day Today

Chris Morris:
I'm joined now by Martin Craste, the British minister with special responsibility for the Commonwealth and Gavin Hawtrey, the Australian foreign secretary in Canberra. Gentlemen, this is pretty historic stuff. Well done. So a future of unbridled harmony then, Australia?

Gavin Hawtrey:
Yes I think Martin Craste and I can be pretty satisfied, it's a good day.

Chris Morris:
And if, as in the past, Australia exceed their agreement what will you do about it?

Martin Craste:
This is a very satisfactory treaty which I'm sure will work well, naturally if the limits were exceeded then this would be met with a very firm line but I can't see that happening.

Chris Morris:
Mr. Hawtrey, he's knocking a firm line in your direction. What are you going to do about that?

Gavin Hawtrey:
Well in that case we'd just reimpose sanctions as we did last year...

Chris Morris:
Sanctions? Hang on a second they've only just swallowed their sanctions and now they're burping them back up in your face!

Martin Craste:
I think sanctions is rather premature talk, certainly if sanctions were imposed we should have to retaliate with appropriate measures, but I can't...

Chris Morris:
I think 'appropriate measures' is a euphemism, Mr. Hawtrey. You know what it means. What are you going to do about that?

Gavin Hawtrey:
Well I'll just have to go back to Cabinet.

Chris Morris:
And ask them about what?

Gavin Hawtrey:
Well I don't know, maybe it's a matter for the military or...

Chris Morris:
The military?

Martin Craste:
I think military measures is totally inappropriate reaction and I think this is way, way over the top.

Chris Morris:
It sounds like you're being inappropriate, are you?

Gavin Hawtrey:
Of course I'm not being inappropriate! Martin Craste knows that full well.

Martin Craste:
This is the sort of misunderstanding that I thought we'd laid to rest during our negotiating.

Chris Morris:
Misunderstanding it certainly is. It's certainly not a treaty, is it. You're both at each others' throats, you're backing yourselves up with arms, what are you going to do about it? Mr. Hawtrey, let me give you a hint: bang!

Gavin Hawtrey:
What are you asking me to say?

Chris Morris:
You know damn well what I'm asking you to say! You're putting yourself in a situation of armed conflict! What are you plunging yourself into?

Gavin Hawtrey:
You'd like me to say it?

Chris Morris:
I want you to say it, yes.

Gavin Hawtrey:
You want the word?

Chris Morris:
The word!

Gavin Hawtrey:
I will not flinch...

Chris Morris:
You will not flinch from?

Gavin Hawtrey:
War.

Chris Morris:
War! Gentlemen, I'll put you on hold. If fighting did break out it would probably occur in Eastmanstown in the upper cataracts on the Australio-Hong Kong border. Our reporter Dônnnald Bethl'hem is there now. Dônnnald - what's the atmosphere like?

Dônnnald Bethl'hem:
[on screen] Tension here is very high, Chris. The stretched twig of peace is at melting point. People here are literally bursting with war. This is very much a country that's gonna blow up in its face.

Chris Morris:
Well gentlemen, it seems that we have little option now but to declare war immediately.

Martin Craste:
Well, this is quite impossible. I couldn't take such a decision without referring to my superior Chris Patten, he-he's in Hong Kong.

Chris Morris:
Good! Because he's on the line now via satellite. Mr Patten, what do you think of the idea of a war now?

[Clip of Patten nodding vaguely]

Chris Morris:
I'll take that as a yes!

Martin Craste:
Very well, i-it's war.

Gavin Hawtrey:
War it is.

Dônnnald Bethl'hem:
[an explosion behind him] That's it, Chris! It's war! War has broken out! This is a war!

Chris Morris:
That's it! Yes, it's WAR!

[The set darkens]

Chris Morris:
From now on, The Day Today will be providing the most immediate coverage of any war ever fought. On the front line and in your face, Dônnnald Bethl'hem.

Jonathan:
Standing by, Douglas Hurd. [Hurd is on a television next to him]

Chris Morris:
The Day Today smart bombs have nose-mounted cameras. This is smart bomb Steven, and that is Susanna Gekkaloys.

Susanna Gekkaloys:
I'll be reporting from inside the fight. (runs out of studio)

Chris Morris:
Like some crazy Trojan! And keeping an eye on everything that's going on out there, at The Day Today News Pipe, Douglas Trox!

Douglas Trox:
[manning a flexible plastic pipe coming out of the wall] Chris!

Chris Morris:
...but first the weather with Sylvester Stewart.