The Day Today

Chris Morris:
The headlines tonight: Bottomley refreshed after three days on cross. Branson's clockwork dog crosses Atlantic floor. And sacked chimney-sweep pumps boss full of mayonnaise.

[The main titles play for the first time]

Chris Morris:
Welcome! On The Day Today tonight: David Owen emerges shattered from Oliver Reed...

David Owen:
I don't think I've ever seen anything quite such... so totally wanton and ghastly... mess, terrible...

Chris Morris:
And Portillo's wife defends crack habit.

An old man:
It's cheap, very cheap.

Chris Morris:
Hello, you.

[An interview with Janet Breen about the London Jam Festival]

Janet Breen:
To get all the celebrities to contribute their jam has really been quite a... quite an operation.

Chris Morris:
How much of your time did you put into it?

Janet Breen:
Oh, I would say at least about six months.

Chris Morris:
Six months? To raise money for a jam festival? Isn't that rather stupid?

Janet Breen:
[taken aback] No, I don't think so. I mean, it's all in a good cause.

Chris Morris:
Good cause, yeah, but how much are you gonna raise?

Janet Breen:
Well, we hope to raise, um, at least £1500.

Chris Morris:
£1500?! That's a pathetic amount of money. You could raise more money by auctioning dogs!

Janet Breen:
Well, I don't think so. I-I-I think it's all in a good cause and very worthwhile...

Chris Morris:
You persuaded these celebrities to waste their time donating to it?

Janet Breen:
Yes!

Chris Morris:
Well, who?

Janet Breen:
Uh, er, Glenys Kinnock we've got, and Sebastian Coe...

Chris Morris:
I hate Sebastian Coe!

Janet Breen:
Well... I feel he's made a very worthwhile contribution!

Chris Morris:
What, to the paltry sum of £1500?

Janet Breen:
Yes!

Chris Morris:
Is that worth six months of your time?

Janet Breen:
Well I think it is quite-!

Chris Morris:
I don't think it is at all! I think the only reason you've done it is to make yourself look important! [Janet is appalled] How dare you come on this programme and say "Hey look at me, I'm raising £1500 for the homeless"? You could raise more money by sitting outside a tube station with your hat on the ground, even if you were twice as ugly as you are, which is very ugly indeed!

[Janet breaks down sobbing]

Chris Morris:
Lets see if we can nail this down. In terms of this elastic band here... (twangs an elastic band) Would you like to see the law tightened up to this tightness, tightness number one... tightness number two... or tightness number three?

Man:
I think tightness number three.

Chris Morris:
Tightness number three, like this?

Man:
I think we've really got to hammer these guys.

Chris Morris:
So that tightness being... an average Post Office band, extended over about eight inches.

Man:
Yeah, I think so.

Alan Partridge:
I don't know what this man is playing at! There's no way... surely the judges must come down like a ton of bricks on that. Carrying bikes on the top of a car is not a sportsmanlike way to run this race.

Alan Partridge:
Thank goodness, actually, they're wearing gloves, because I've witnessed bare-knuckle boxing... in a barn in Somerset, about three years ago. And it was a sorry sight to see men goading them on in such a barbaric fashion. And I'm rather ashamed to say I was party to that goading. And, er, two men fighting as I saw in that barn that night, naked as the day they were born, and fighting the way God intended. Wrestling, at points, I don't know if you've seen Women In Love, that marvellous scene by the fire. It, er, kind of resembled that.

Sylvester Stewart:
A strong and highly long-lasting day tomorrow, with hail aimed vertically downward from above, and there'll be a thirty percent chance.

Rosy May:
Scientists in Alaska have found a gap between the horizon and the Earth. The gap, which is nine miles across, is believed to have been caused by recent storms which tore the horizon from its moorings. A team of civil engineers has now set off to lash the horizon back down with steel.

Chris Morris:
...and since we've recorded that report, everybody featured in it has lost their hair.

Voiceover:
The Day Today: slamming the wasps from the pure apple of truth.

[About Attitudes Night]

["Hanging from Studio B12", 1953]

Corin Piper:
Well, here we are at the hanging. It's a very sombre atmosphere. The condemned man has just arrived with executioner, Mr. Albert Marsh, who's highly respected...

Chris Morris:
[narrating] The evening begins with a chance to savour again Great Britain's last televised hanging.

Corin Piper:
...he's using a nylon-hemp mix rope tonight for the first time ever. That what he wanted, that's what he's got. It's to guarantee extra strength.

["Frampton Row", 1962]

Stan:
Arright Madge, what can I do yer for?

Chris Morris:
[narrating] The sixties saw television breaking taboos again and again, with "Frampton Row" the first popular weekly serial to use swear words.

Madge:
...I'm not made of money, 'specially not since Eddie Copsie and 'is bloomin' lids.

Stan:
Oh, aye.

Madge:
Go on then I'll 'ave the Express. (hands over money) There y'are, yer big hairy cock.

Stan:
Ta.

Madge:
Tarah, Stan. (walks off)

Stan:
Tarah, yer shitter.

["Scrutineer", 1968]

Presenter:
These days, it's very fashionable among young people to do what I'm doing now. I'm being fellated by a young girl known as a groupie. It's an interesting feeling, and, er, certainly quite relaxing...

[Fade to some time later]

Presenter:
Well, it's half-an-hour later. My initial reaction was one of intense joy, but that's now been replaced by a vague feeling of indequacy and gloom. It's not an experience that I can see catching on, but, er, neither is it one which I regret.

Chris Morris:
Time now for business with Collately Sisters.

Collately Sisters:
Thanks, Chris.

Chris Morris:
[off-screen] Take her off the monitor, I don't want to see her face.

Collately Sisters:
There was better news for Edge-Ledge-Wedge-Barge, who mustered 2.41, up 88 very slightly, but OxyMacGee flew back a ninth, despite a creeping bid from Connected Breathdumps, at four. On now the currency markets, how did the Pound fare? A quick glance at the currency cat... not too well I'm afraid. There's a disconcerting 47° slope against the Dollar, Yen and Deutschmark, and if we project in four months the Pound leg is effectively amputated, leading to a rogue leg with no hip constituency at all.

Doctor:
I'm going to make an incision here. And make the incision all the way round here, round the other side. And then cut through and then remove this. This foot. Remove that and take it away and bury it with some gooseberries.

Iggy Pop Barker:
Dr. Philip Johanssson is Europe's leading practitioner of bile chanting. He was one of the four doctors and ten patients killed in this morning's blaze. Firemen say the chance of finding anyone else alive is minimal.

Remedy Malahide:
Photo-factuality now, and Mrs. Mandy Hell captured these snaps while out walking her brother on Wandsworth Common. The unnamed woman had been pierced by a shaft of frozen urine, which had fallen from the toilet facility of an overhead plane.

Chris Morris:
What he didn't know was that he [Farmer Chester Johnson] and Lindsey were about to make a flight neither them would ever forget, even if their brains were erased with mind rubbers.

Chris Morris:
Just time to have a quick look at tomorrow's headlines. "Aristocrat's Dung Saves Village from Flood", that's in the Mail. Today: 'Drowned Italian Wins Eurovision'. The Express go with 'Lord Mayor's Pirouette in Fire Chief Wife Decapitation'. Grisly but gripping. The Sun, 'Robin Cock!' And The Daily Star - '"Feel My Nose and Put My Specs There," Roars Drunken Major.'

Chris Morris:
The headlines tonight: Portillo's teeth removed to boost Pound. Exploded cardinal preaches sermon from fish tank. And where now for man raised by puffins?

Sylvester Stewart:
Devon and Cornwall should have some fairly heavy and prolonged showers, a bit like jagged metal piercing old flesh.

Collately Sisters:
And it was a rather cowy night for the pound: It stood at 3.79 against the German Bordello, that's up .5 against the Portuguese Starling and down a hundred against the Bitch.

Collately Sisters:
Here at home, from tomorrow the new Bank of England five pound note comes into circulation. The notes, which feature the head of Iggy Pop, can only be used once. (rests her head on the desk)

Chris Morris:
Thanks, Collately. Coming up: Bosnian old woman...

Alan Partridge:
Two to look out for, number one there - "Zeinab Badawi's Twenty Hotels", and number three, "Two Headed Sex Beast".

Alan Partridge:
Not sure what that is, hope it's, er... (chuckle) ...hope it's not a dead horse. They're not going to fit it in the back of a Volvo 340. [beat] Actually, I hope it isn't a dead horse... sorry.

Chris Morris:
The American actor Marlon Brando has been sold today in an auction at Sotheby's. Brando, who starred in films like Apocalypse Now and Superman, was part of a sale of international works of art which attracted interest from all over the world. He was sold in the large wooden chair he has occupied for the last three years to the Vatican, at just under the expected price of two and a quarter million dollars. It's believed he will be installed in St Peter's later next month.

Chris Morris:
A week of foul-tempered debate in Europe ended this afternoon as finance ministers agreed new quota rates for trade with the United States. In Brussels is our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan - Peter, what is the new rate?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
It's 30 percent, Chris. Agreement was a long time coming, but in the end the decision was unanimous.

Chris Morris:
What was the Germans' reaction, because they've been holding out for 40 percent, haven't they?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
That's right. When I spoke to finance minister Reinhardt earlier today, he said he didn't like the deal, but he had to go along with it.

Chris Morris:
Really? You spoke to him yourself, you managed to pin him down? He's a pretty tricky man, isn't he?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
That's right.

Chris Morris:
Where did you get hold of him?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
He was in the hotel.

Chris Morris:
And you conducted a conversation with him about the quota rates?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
That's right - he said he didn't like it, but he had to go along with it.

Chris Morris:
[beat] What language did you conduct this conversation in, Peter?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
[beat] German.

Chris Morris:
[beat] You spoke to him about the technicalities of the deal in German?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Yes.

Chris Morris:
So what's the German for 30 percent?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
[beat] Trenter percenter.

Chris Morris:
Dreißig prozent?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Yes.

Chris Morris:
And what about that quote you attributed to him, "I don't like it but I'll have to go along with it"?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
That's what he said.

Chris Morris:
How did he say it?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
"I don't like it, but I'll have to go along with it."

Chris Morris:
In German, how did he say it?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Ich... nichten lichten...

Chris Morris:
Presumably you mean "Rufen Sie ein Taxi bitte sonst verpass' ich meinen Flug"?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Yes!

Chris Morris:
No you don't, Peter, because that means "Get me a taxi; I'm late for my plane!" Now I'm going to ask you a question: did you speak to the German finance minister about the new deal this afternoon?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
[defeated] No.

Chris Morris:
And what was his reaction?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
I don't know.

Chris Morris:
Peter, thank you.

[Rok TV]

Harfynn Teuport:
The work of he's-a-singer Bob Dylan is to be reappraised following the discovery of a filum which shows several of his songs including the classic "Subterranean Homesick Blues", being sung as long ago as 1947 by the singer/songwriter George Formby.

[Outtake from "Underpants", 1947]

Harfynn Teuport:
Dylan, who is in hospital after eating a rotten wolf, has so far been unavailable for comment.

Ian Curtis:
[a skeleton swinging on a rope] Hello, Ian Curtis here, I watch Rok TV every day!

Harfynn Teuport:
That's the news where it's gone, time now for Suki Bapswent with her special brand of things.

Sukie Bapswent:
What-ho, I'm Sukie Bapswent!

Harfynn Teuport:
Mm!

Sukie Bapswent:
Uh-oh, now go 'wow' for the latest sounds from Nirvana! They've been commissioned to do the music behind the new Panty Smile sanitary products campaign. Okay boys, hit me with those ultra-pads!

Kurt Cobain: Once a month / You'll become a slave To a tidal wave / Yeah Body's little clock / Could mess up your frock But Panty Smile's a lovely thing It absorbs every thing Chorus You can wear them / In the high street Body contours / Very discreet And the comfort / You won't be-lieve 'Cause the topsheet / Is a dryweave Yeah. Panty / Yeah / Smile Panty / Yeah / Smile Panty / Yeah / Smile Panty / Yeah / Smile

Voiceover:
Panty Smile. A Comfy Pal who says Never Mind.

Chris Morris:
'Arafat Ablaze in Kerosene Oyster Hell', that's in the Telegraph.

Chris Morris:
The heads tonight: Teenage boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly. Heseltine fading fast. And headmaster suspended for using big faced child as satellite dish. This is the news!

Mr Hennety:
What's goin' on 'ere? This is supposed to be a high-class bureau de change! Not some two-bit Punch and Judy show down on the seafront at Margate!

Chris Morris:
We're pushed for time, can you sum it up in a word?

Spartacus Mills:
No.

Chris Morris:
A sound?

Spartacus Mills:
Woouueerrrr.

Chris Morris:
Spartacus, thank you. Alan, Sport.

Alan Partridge:
Thanks, Chris. Well, as I said, it really was -

Chris Morris:
Shut it, Alan - I want you to stop! All programmes have now been suspended on all channels to allow the broadcast of this film, held in reserve for times of crisis...

Mr Hennety:
Look, I never thought I'd say this, right, but... pull down the blinds! I'm closing the bureau - for an hour.

Reporter:
In an airjam there's a 3-D gridlock in the air and no way out: The planes just slow down and stop. It's been known for years that an airjam could happen, but no emergency measures were ever made. The last-minute efforts of Transport Secretary John MacGregor this afternoon did little to help.

Clown:
Is he always breaking things?

Reporter:
The irony is, that while these people lie around like the dead, those in the air will actually die, and end up like the ratatouille these people ate at the canteens which are responding to strong demand at the moment here.

Alan Partridge:
[in a locker-room] The atmosphere here hangs heavy, like a big smell. The smell of men together. The smell of cats' musk. Bob Mariner! You missed the penalty, why?

Bob Mariner:
Yeah, Alan, it was a bad one. It took the top of me boot, it was all over in an instant.

Alan Partridge:
You looked really stupid.

Jacques-'Jacques' Liverot:
If we could see politics, what would it look like? A cube... but with all its corners on the inside.

Jacques-'Jacques' Liverot:
If democracy is a bra, then the monarchy are breasts. And we cannot imagine a society without breasts. Et là.

Night Watchman:
I'm never tempted to use the pool myself at night. Although some time ago I used to go down and take showers. And on one occasion I went down to the pool and found a woman's swimming costume. Which I put on, and paraded around singing a song... a Joan Baez protest song.

Night Watchman:
Well, I would say this - I've been working here for 18 years, and in 1975 no one died. In 1976, no one died. In 1977, no one died. In 1978, no one died. In 1979, no-one died. In 1980... some one died. In 1981, no one died. In 1982, there was the incident with the pigeon. In 1983, no one died. In 1984, no one died. In 1985, no one died. In 1986... I mean, I could go on.

Chris Morris:
Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's headlines. Today: '"You Could Blow Notes Across the Holes in His Head," Says Sinatra Doc.' The Herald Tribune go with '"Boiled Dog Could do Maths," Claims Experimenter'. The European: 'Elastic Song Strangles Hucknall'. The Daily Telegraph and other broadsheets feature tabs here down the side for ease of turning the pages. And The Independent go with '"Portillo's Face Felt Like Guts" Says Girl'. That's it, just to let you know the police are still looking for the actor Burt Reynolds, after he stole a dodgem and drove it out of a fairground in Islington. The fifty-nine-year-old American eluded capture after a low speed car chase, and was last seen heading north on the M11 near Saffron Walden.

Chris Morris:
The headlines tonight: NATO annuled after delegate swallows treaty. "I'm so sorry," yells exploding cleaner. And bearded cleric in oily chin insertion. Those are the headlines - God, I wish they weren't.

Chris Morris:
Spiders will never speak, insists ambassador.

Chris Morris:
It's just been anno - yeah, thanks... it's just been announced there's to be an special inquiry into the Government's handling of the Frome shipping deal, which flew to pieces last month amid allegations of gross ministerial misconduct. Our economics correspondent Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan is with the Minister for Ships Michael Crane; he's just prised him out of an emergency meeting.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
I'm with the Minister for Ships, Michael Crane MP...

Chris Morris:
[in voiceover drowning out Peter] That's right, Peter, everything I've just said comes spewing straight back out of your stupid slab of a face...

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
...Mr Crane, choppy waters for the Government?

Michael Crane:
Not at all, Peter. This procedure was entirely proper, and I think the inquiry will prove that the Government's handling of this matter was entirely proper.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
So the Government's ship back on course?

Michael Crane:
Absolutely.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Back to you, Chris.

Chris Morris:
Peter, what the hell was that? This man's made a big scale cock-up here, you let him get away with it! Now let me speak to him. Put your ear-piece next to his head and stand still. Now, Minister! There's reason to believe that you lied to the House. How do you answer that?

Michael Crane:
Well that is a very serious and unfounded allegation, and I will be making a statement to the House based on the preliminary inquiry next week.

Chris Morris:
A week is a long time in politics.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Rab Butler.

Chris Morris:
Shut up, Peter. Now Minister, did you or did you not lie to the House?

Michael Crane:
I will be making a full statement to the House next week.

Chris Morris:
It's a simple question, yes or no! Did you or did you not lie?

Michael Crane:
...I, erm...

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
As the Minister for Ships sprawls on the pin, it's back to you Chris!

Chris Morris:
No it isn't, Peter! He's about to answer the question! He's about to admit to lying to the House! You've let him get away again! Where's he gone?!

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Over there...

Chris Morris:
Well get him back!

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
He's in a cab.

Chris Morris:
Peter, you've lost the NEWS!! What are you going to say?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Sorry.

Chris Morris:
Look like you mean it! Look down at the ground and say sorry!

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
I'm sorry!

Chris Morris:
Peter, next time you cross the road, don't bother looking!

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Sorry...

[Alan Partridge's World Cup Countdown to '94]

Alan Partridge:
TWWWAT! That was liquid football!

Alan Partridge:
And... SHIT!! Did you see that? He must have a foot like a traction engine!

Alan Partridge:
Eat my goal! The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt.

Eugene Fraxby:
It was over in seconds. A dog and three people dead from guns. Being old, they would have died soon anyway, but the dog, which contained no explosive at all, was shot to ribbons in its prime.

Chris Morris:
The only way police can neutralise bomb-dogs is to spray them with a resin coating which hardens instantly to contain any explosion. The inside of the bomb-dog is obviously destroyed, but the outside stays the same shape. However, if the underside is not covered, a highly directional blast launches the animal vertically to a height of over a thousand feet.

Eugene Fraxby:
The Prime Minister put on a brave face, but for many, like Tory whip Peter Goodwright, the time for calm words is over.

Peter Goodwright:
...an absolute f(BANG) disgrace. These inhuman shit-for-souls (BANG)ers have no place here; in my considered opinion, they are c(BANG)!

Chris Morris:
Sinn Féin have so far denied they are backing the campaign. Earlier today I spoke to their deputy leader, Rory O'Connor, who, under broadcasting restrictions, must inhale helium to subtract credibility from his statements.

[Interview]

Chris Morris:
So, what's your initial statement?

Rory O'Connor:
(inhales helium from a tank) These incidents are inevitable, given the position of the British Government.

Chris Morris:
You support this campaign, then?

Rory O'Connor:
The IRA have been forced into this position.

Chris Morris:
So you do support this campaign of violence.

Rory O'Connor:
(inhales helium) The IR - (inhales more helium) Sinn Féin is a legitimate political party.

Chris Morris:
Which supports terrorist action!

Rory O'Connor:
Your tone is antagonistic and you're making me very angry!

[Back in the studio]

Chris Morris:
And since we conducted that interview, all sides in the conflict have had a meeting, and have sorted everything out.

Rosy May:
An international ban on the hunting of waves has finally been introduced. Waves have been used for centuries to pull cars in small countries, but are now facing extinction.

Rosy May:
My milk is green, come drink me.

Chris Morris:
The Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi has plunged southern Europe into crisis by kidnapping Crete and towing it to a secret location off the Libyan coast.

Jacques-'Jacques' Liverot:
An old man stands naked in front of a mirror, eating soup. He is a fool.

Interviewer:
So how do you explain the case of Keith Philips, who returned from his out-of-body experience as a woman?

Sceptic:
He didn't.

Interviewer:
But we filmed it this afternoon, there's an awful lot of evidence to show what happened.

Sceptic:
No, there isn't.

Jacques-'Jacques' Liverot:
An optimist sees half a pint of milk. He says 'It is half full'. A pessimist sees half a pint of milk. He says 'It is half empty'. I see half a pint of milk, I say 'It is sour'.

Chris Morris:
The headlines tonight: Euro MPs' new headsets play the sound of screaming women. Bryan Ferry bathmat poisonous say lab. And bouncing elephantiasis woman destroys central Portsmouth. Those are the headlines - happy now?

Chris Morris:
As City markets crashed and flew off, the government tried to stabilise the economy with an emergency currency based on the Queen's eggs, several thousand of which were removed from her ovaries in 1953 and held in reserve.

Chris Morris:
It's been revealed that the junior treasury minister Michael Portillo carries a sawn-off shotgun to constituency meetings, corners children in parks and chews their cheeks, and has frequent sexual intercourse with stray animals, claiming "As long as it's got a backbone, I'll do it". That story we reported last week, and have since discovered it to be untrue.

Travis Daveley:
I have this little dream whereby there's this whole village of reanimated corpses, and if you like, a kind of control tower at the centre of that village with a bank of monitors, and I control all the corpses.

Barbara Wintergreen:
Why use corpses? Why not normal people? Why don't you just leave things the way they are?

Travis Daveley:
Because, because normal people... because I wouldn't have my tower. I want a tower.

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot:
A cat meows. A horse neighs. A lion roars. A bird sings. A snake hisses. A human barks.

Collately Sisters:
On now to the money markets, and a quick look at the International Finance Arse. As you can see the US and Japanese cheeks started off with a gap of 2.4 but increased trading forced the two together to form a unified arse at around lunch time, which held for the rest of the day. In summary, then: oh no. Chris.

Rosy May:
The echo from the nuclear bomb which destroyed Hiroshima is set to devastate the city again. Half of the original blast has ricocheted off Jupiter, and will strike Japan in 2041. It's not yet known if the city will be evacuated. I'm Rosy May; tread not on the forest leaves, for you tread on my face.

Chris Morris:
Today is the anniversary of 1944.

Chris Morris:
Still to come: Controversy over new Treasury appointment.

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot:
A man sees God in his car. He crashes.

Chris Morris:
I'm joined now by Martin Craste, the British minister with special responsibility for the Commonwealth and Gavin Hawtrey, the Australian foreign secretary in Canberra. Gentlemen, this is pretty historic stuff. Well done. So a future of unbridled harmony then, Australia?

Gavin Hawtrey:
Yes I think Martin Craste and I can be pretty satisfied, it's a good day.

Chris Morris:
And if, as in the past, Australia exceed their agreement what will you do about it?

Martin Craste:
This is a very satisfactory treaty which I'm sure will work well, naturally if the limits were exceeded then this would be met with a very firm line but I can't see that happening.

Chris Morris:
Mr. Hawtrey, he's knocking a firm line in your direction. What are you going to do about that?

Gavin Hawtrey:
Well in that case we'd just reimpose sanctions as we did last year...

Chris Morris:
Sanctions? Hang on a second they've only just swallowed their sanctions and now they're burping them back up in your face!

Martin Craste:
I think sanctions is rather premature talk, certainly if sanctions were imposed we should have to retaliate with appropriate measures, but I can't...

Chris Morris:
I think 'appropriate measures' is a euphemism, Mr. Hawtrey. You know what it means. What are you going to do about that?

Gavin Hawtrey:
Well I'll just have to go back to Cabinet.

Chris Morris:
And ask them about what?

Gavin Hawtrey:
Well I don't know, maybe it's a matter for the military or...

Chris Morris:
The military?

Martin Craste:
I think military measures is totally inappropriate reaction and I think this is way, way over the top.

Chris Morris:
It sounds like you're being inappropriate, are you?

Gavin Hawtrey:
Of course I'm not being inappropriate! Martin Craste knows that full well.

Martin Craste:
This is the sort of misunderstanding that I thought we'd laid to rest during our negotiating.

Chris Morris:
Misunderstanding it certainly is. It's certainly not a treaty, is it. You're both at each others' throats, you're backing yourselves up with arms, what are you going to do about it? Mr. Hawtrey, let me give you a hint: bang!

Gavin Hawtrey:
What are you asking me to say?

Chris Morris:
You know damn well what I'm asking you to say! You're putting yourself in a situation of armed conflict! What are you plunging yourself into?

Gavin Hawtrey:
You'd like me to say it?

Chris Morris:
I want you to say it, yes.

Gavin Hawtrey:
You want the word?

Chris Morris:
The word!

Gavin Hawtrey:
I will not flinch...

Chris Morris:
You will not flinch from?

Gavin Hawtrey:
War.

Chris Morris:
War! Gentlemen, I'll put you on hold. If fighting did break out it would probably occur in Eastmanstown in the upper cataracts on the Australio-Hong Kong border. Our reporter Dônnnald Bethl'hem is there now. Dônnnald - what's the atmosphere like?

Dônnnald Bethl'hem:
[on screen] Tension here is very high, Chris. The stretched twig of peace is at melting point. People here are literally bursting with war. This is very much a country that's gonna blow up in its face.

Chris Morris:
Well gentlemen, it seems that we have little option now but to declare war immediately.

Martin Craste:
Well, this is quite impossible. I couldn't take such a decision without referring to my superior Chris Patten, he-he's in Hong Kong.

Chris Morris:
Good! Because he's on the line now via satellite. Mr Patten, what do you think of the idea of a war now?

[Clip of Patten nodding vaguely]

Chris Morris:
I'll take that as a yes!

Martin Craste:
Very well, i-it's war.

Gavin Hawtrey:
War it is.

Dônnnald Bethl'hem:
[an explosion behind him] That's it, Chris! It's war! War has broken out! This is a war!

Chris Morris:
That's it! Yes, it's WAR!

[The set darkens]

Chris Morris:
From now on, The Day Today will be providing the most immediate coverage of any war ever fought. On the front line and in your face, Dônnnald Bethl'hem.

Jonathan:
Standing by, Douglas Hurd. [Hurd is on a television next to him]

Chris Morris:
The Day Today smart bombs have nose-mounted cameras. This is smart bomb Steven, and that is Susanna Gekkaloys.

Susanna Gekkaloys:
I'll be reporting from inside the fight. (runs out of studio)

Chris Morris:
Like some crazy Trojan! And keeping an eye on everything that's going on out there, at The Day Today News Pipe, Douglas Trox!

Douglas Trox:
[manning a flexible plastic pipe coming out of the wall] Chris!

Chris Morris:
...but first the weather with Sylvester Stewart.

Sylvester Stewart:
Let's revolve the weather collar now 70 degrees to the Midlands, where I was first bereaved. And there'll be a large cack of heavy cloud covering the area, but it should stay dry enough for you to dance outside until our lord Beelzebub calls upon us. Now, if we revolve the throat circle back to the West Country, and you can see there'll be several gits of bad weather across most of the sky. Some rain, but no more severe than soft porn.

Chris Morris:
Back live now, progress on The Day Today smart bomb. Jonathan? [to off-screen] Get rid of Hurd! [Hurd's image is replaced with a POV of a cruise missile] Thanks!

Jonathan:
Well Chris, as you can see there's the missile, cruising at around two thousand per second trying to locate the target soldier it's aimed at...

Jonathan:
There's the soldier. It goes in through the mouth. Down through the oesophagus, into the stomach and there's the explosion.

Chris Morris:
Absolutely bang! That's The Day Today bringing you another tear on the face of the World's mother! Alan! Sport!

Chris Morris:
The Daily Mail: 'Child Made Of Paint Wins By-election'.

Chris Morris:
The headlines tonight: Fist-headed man destroys church. Car drives past window in town. And Leicester man wins right to eat sister. Now fact me 'til I fart!

Chris Morris:
The American car company General Motors have today announced a cut in their workforce at their plant in Detroit. Our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan, is there at the moment. Peter, what's going on?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Chris, it's a mass redundancy measure - it's the biggest lay-off in American industrial history - Thirty-five thousand jobs in one fell swoop, gone!

Chris Morris:
Thirty-five thousand?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Yes.

Chris Morris:
Peter, there's only twenty-five thousand people at the plant.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
That's right Chris, mass redundancy on an unprecedented scale!

Chris Morris:
Well would you mind telling me how the plant can function on minus ten-thousand workers?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
[grinning] I don't know, Chris, you tell me!

Chris Morris:
I'll tell you what, Peter, you mean thirty-five hundred workers have been sacked.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
[beat] No. Thirty-five thousand, it's all here. (he checks his notes)

Chris Morris:
Let me see what you've got down there.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
It's thirty-five hundred, you're right, I've made a mistake.

Chris Morris:
Peter, I want to s- I want to see it. I don't want to hear anything more out of your mouth, I don't believe it. Now show me your notes.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
No.

Chris Morris:
Yes!

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
It's thirty-five hundred.

Chris Morris:
Show me, I don't believe what you're saying, I just want to see the numbers. Now hold them up! (he holds them up briefly) Hold them up and keep them up! (he does) And rotate them a hundred and eighty degrees in my favour! [as he does] Do it... Peter, what's that? (taps the monitor)

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
I don't have the monitor, Chris, I can't see what you're doing.

Chris Morris:
You know what I'm talking about, it's just above your right eye. (Peter points at a doodle) Yes.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
A cobweb.

Chris Morris:
And how's a cobweb going to dig you out of your numerical mess?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
I don't know.

Chris Morris:
Peter, you're lying in a news grave. Do you know what's written on your headstone?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
"News?"

Chris Morris:
[finally] Peter, thank you.

Jacques-'Jacques' Liverot:
What... is a 'gay'?

Chris Morris:
Gay Desk now with Colin Poppshed.

Colin Poppshed:
Thanks Chris. Quick roundup of today's gayness, starting with the roads: The M70, the A3, the B664 and the A48(M), they are all gay as of midnight tonight. The gay elements are potassium, zinc, hydrogen, copper, and argon. A quick look at the world's walls: The Wailing Wall is gay, Hadrian's Wall is very gay, the Great Wall Of China, that's not gay, and the Old London Wall has also stopped being gay. Gay cars next, they're the same as last night: all Volkswagens registered between 1982 and 1985, they stay gay for another fortnight. And finally, the gay seas are the Caspian and the Mediterranean... so, see you there. Chris...

Chris Morris:
Thanks, Colin. He's not gay, by the way, we wouldn't employ a homosexual.

Chris Morris:
Coming up: Clinton welcomed home after machine-gunning 400 buffalo.

Tokyo Correspondent:
Thanking you live from Tokyo, where it's three-thirty in the morning. That's minus seven in new Japanese time. In just seven hours, the first of thirty full-size duplicate Japans will be switched on, and all clocks will be reset to 00000. The new Japans have been three years in construction, involving perfect replication of cities and people and children. The raft of new countries, which extends over five thousand miles into the Pacific, has been hidden until now, but was spotted yesterday from an aeroplane. Japan has so far refused to comment.

Italian Correspondent:
The Vatican realised the computer had been tampered with when they discovered that Jesus had died of food poisoning aged nineteen, and Lou Reed had been canonised as a saint.

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot:
When I drive my car, I am not driving. I am participating in a conspiracy called 'traffic'. I will walk.

Old Man:
[reading off a card] This... this is my complaint, right? TV is the most un-kinking, un-happening, un-sussed piece o' sheet in the hood right now.

Chris Morris:
Look at the lens, please.

Old Man:
Oh, sorry. You gotta get it. Totally dis-counture. More in the area. See, I'm talking more ragga, more boogle, more death mental...

Chris Morris:
Death metal.

Old Man:
...death metal and Belgian house. You hear me? Let's get TV banging, mud-far...... mud-the-far-cuss.

Chris Morris:
And look at the camera again and nod your head as you say that.

Old Man:
Mud-the-far-cuss.

Chris Morris:
And say that last bit again once more into the camera.

Old Man:
Mud-the-far-cuss.

Chris Morris:
And just time for a quick look at tomorrow's, er... The Independent: 'Bank of England Recovers from Swollen Chairman Unusualness'. The Telegraph go with 'Simon Rattle Lost in Cress'. The Daily Mail, pretty keen on 'Lassoed Bat Wins Booker', they devote four pages to that. The Mirror rather upset: 'Fleetwood Mac Buried in Dog Avalanche'. And Today ride with 'Old Woman Killed by Little Glass Planet'. That's a story there by Andrew Penman. Due to a printing error, tomorrow's Guardian is full of water.

Chris Morris:
The Day Today 24 Live now stays with those terrorist attacks in New York and Washington, both towers now gone. Later, "What is a hijacked airliner and how does it crash?", but first our correspondent Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan is in New York at the moment. He went there to cover the World Trade Organization talks, due to start today at the World Trade Center. He's on the line now. Peter, where are you and what's going on?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
It's a clear, crisp morning in New York, Chris. A crackle of anticipation among the delegates at breakfast. A lot at stake here; these talks could be the big yes or no for the Eastern economies.

Chris Morris:
Right, Peter. Can you tell us exactly what the situation is currently in New York?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Well, the situation I'd say is eggs over easy for the Germans, eggs over not bad for the Japanese, and eggs over pretty grim for the Russians.

Chris Morris:
So.. the meetings are going ahead?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
That's right, Chris.

Chris Morris:
[beat] And where are they being held?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Here, at the World Trade Center!

Chris Morris:
[beat] You're at the World Trade Center?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
[proudly] Yes!

Chris Morris:
[beat] Whereabouts exactly in the World Trade Center are you?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
I'm - I'm in - uh... in their restaurant, the Windows on the World restaurant, Chris, floor 107, sipping a cappuccino.

Chris Morris:
Floor 107 no longer gives a particularly good view of New York.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Well, it does from where I'm sitting, Chris.

Chris Morris:
It's now part of the basement!

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
[beat] I think you're - hahaha - ah, pulling my leg, Chris!

Chris Morris:
Are you near a television?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
[beat] Yes... I don't -

Chris Morris:
I'd like you to turn it on.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
I'm going to a television, in the restaurant. There's one of those - one in the corner.

Chris Morris:
Yes, just get on with it, please.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Right, the television is on!

Chris Morris:
Tell me what you can see.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Well, it's... it's quite bizarre, I'm actually looking at an image of the World Trade Center. I'd... almost be looking at myself if I waved. Uh -

Chris Morris:
What can you see?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Well, there's a... there's a plane in one of them, yeah - actually we didn't hear that! The sound insulation in these buildings is extraordinary! There is a plane - th -

Chris Morris:
Keep watching, Peter.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Wha - ah. Ah. Oh, my God. Uh, one of the towers has collapsed, fortunately not the one I'm in; the other one - the one I'm in is - is... one of the tow - the - the other tower - the tower I'm in is collapsing! I'm collapsing, Chris, under the sheer... I've managed - I'm out! I'm out! Eh, I'm very for - run... [finally] I'm not there.

Chris Morris:
Where are you?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
I'm... I'm in a hotel in Midtown. The Marriott. My hotel, in my room.

Chris Morris:
Why did you say you were at the World Trade Center?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Because... that's where I was supposed to be this morning.

Chris Morris:
You overslept.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
I'd slept longer than I'd anticipated.

Chris Morris:
[beat] Would you like to revise your appraisal of the situation in New York in light of which you've just gleaned?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Yes, I can, Chris.

Chris Morris:
Go ahead.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
I'm a man, standing at a window of his hotel room. Very grey day... a very grey day for the world, Chris. Eh... it seems like a movie -

Chris Morris:
Peter, you've added nothing. That's Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan from New York on a day which will go dow-

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan:
Yes -

Chris Morris:
BE QUIET!

Chris Morris:
Alan!

Alan Partridge:
Chris.

Chris Morris:
What's happened since we last met? Times have truly changed, the world has perhaps changed.

Alan Partridge:
Absolutely, yep.

Chris Morris:
We've had terrorist attacks, we've had wars and a change of government, we've had the accident that killed Princess Diana -

Alan Partridge:
Oooh.

Chris Morris:
We've had Britpop, we've had a whole -

Alan Partridge:
W-w-if-i-woahhh-woah. I-IF. IF.

Chris Morris:
If what?

Alan Partridge:
If - and it's a big if - if indeed the, uh, circumstances surrounding the late Princess Diana's... death... could indeed be called an accident.

Chris Morris:
Well, they're generally accepted to be an accident.

Alan Partridge:
Ahhhh! Very telling Mr. Christopher Wallace that you regard this as an accident.

Chris Morris:
You don't?

Alan Partridge:
I think there are many, many unanswered questions, which remain unanswered.

Chris Morris:
You join a not necessarily distinguished panel in that view.

Alan Partridge:
There are many respected people who support the view -

Chris Morris:
Right, let's leave Mohamed Al-Fayed off the list.

Alan Partridge:
Why?

Chris Morris:
What I'm interested in is the names that add weight to his, rather loose, claims.

Alan Partridge:
David Dickinson, from Bargain Hunt.

Chris Morris:
He believes that Diana was murdered?

Alan Partridge:
Yes.

Chris Morris:
Does he?

Alan Partridge:
Yes.

Chris Morris:
You're not just quoting him from some idle conversation in a pub in which he was humoring you?

Alan Partridge:
We're close.

Chris Morris:
You're close?

Alan Partridge:
Yeah. He and I had a chat about it over a pub lunch in Banbury. He did, I mean, I explained the theory, and he nodded.

Chris Morris:
Alright, Alan, we're at a pub lunch in Banbury - I'll be Dave Dickinson if you want - convince me. How did Princess Diana die, Alan?

Alan Partridge:
Well, he wouldn't have said it like that, but, I mean, he was eating scampi - that's not important obviously, but uh, just to provide the detail...

Chris Morris:
Yeah, alright but let's get on to the bloody accident.

Alan Partridge:
Alright. I, David, uh... this may sound cheap as chips! Haha, because that's his phrase, um...

Chris Morris:
Give me the leading piece of evidence that proves it wasn't an accident.

Alan Partridge:
Do you want, err, half a pint of bitter?

Chris Morris:
I'd love one, later.

Alan Partridge:
This is what I actually said to David before I got onto the - I'm just trying to-

Chris Morris:
Right, okay, so just deliver the main chunk...

Alan Partridge:
Right, sure, sure, no probs.

Chris Morris:
Yep.

Alan Partridge:
The Mercedes 500 SL comes, as standard, with four... four to six airbags. 'Kay?

Chris Morris:
That's it?

Alan Partridge:
Hang on, no, I want you to say "alright then."

Chris Morris:
Alright then, yes, I believe that to be true.

Alan Partridge:
Right. Definitely four, as an option you can tick the box for six, you'd lose two in the rear seats.

Chris Morris:
Any in the boot?

Alan Partridge:
No, because no wants to protect luggage in an accident.

Chris Morris:
Just wanted to be clear on that, it's fine.

Alan Partridge:
Although it's not a bad idea, especially in your line of work 'cos they're... antiques.

Chris Morris:
So how does the six airbag theory prove that she was killed?

Alan Partridge:
I saw, in all the press photographs, no evidence of deflated airbags. Why were they gone, Chris- uh, David? Shall I suggest a theory?

Chris Morris:
Go on.

Alan Partridge:
They were removed. By someone, perhaps... a butler.

Chris Morris:
Prince Charles?

Alan Partridge:
I - that's not for me to say. That's for other people to say.

Chris Morris:
So were you sad to see her go? Is that perhaps why you think it was a conspiracy?

Alan Partridge:
Um, no, that's the strange part of it; I was very pleased because, although I believe it was a conspiracy, uh, to get rid of her, I'm not against the idea of state assassination.

Chris Morris:
So you're saying that basically this is a positive conspiracy. She was killed by design, and that's a good thing?

Alan Partridge:
And I also think that President Kennedy should have been shot, because he was very promiscuous.

Chris Morris:
Right, he doesn't quite follow what you would see is the ideal lifestyle then?

Alan Partridge:
I think that it's unhelpful, when you're trying to build a new America in the early 60s, to have sex with Marilyn Monroe. It's not helpful. And therefore...

Chris Morris:
So let's take you back to 1963, to Dallas...

Alan Partridge:
Okay...

Chris Morris:
You would in fact have shot him?

Alan Partridge:
I wouldn't have shot him, but I would certainly have opened the door or held the jacket for the gentleman assassin who pulled the trigger from the book depository.

Chris Morris:
Lee Harvey Oswald.

Alan Partridge:
Or, him. Or, someone else. Or, him and someone else. Or, him and someone else and someone else. And the Mafia.

Chris Morris:
But he was shot.

Alan Partridge:
Was he?

Chris Morris:
You know that!

Alan Partridge:
There are those who - do you remember Georgi Markov? Who was stabbed with a brolly in London?

Chris Morris:
Yeah, and he died. That doesn't influence the fact that Kennedy was shot.

Alan Partridge:
The back of his head fell off, on that we're agreed. Are we?

Chris Morris:
Yeah.

Alan Partridge:
That can happen with a bullet, Chris, it can also happen...

Chris Morris:
But it did happen with a bullet.

Alan Partridge:
Yeaaah, that's what they say, but-

Chris Morris:
Well, not even "that's what they say". That's actually what happened, you can see it on the footage.

Alan Partridge:
I saw the back of a head belonging to a president fall off. I did not see a bullet. Did you see a bullet, Chris?

Chris Morris:
Of course I didn't see a bullet.

Alan Partridge:
Thank you! No more questions, your honour! Kevin Costner said it loud and clear - and he was there, remember, in the film.

Chris Morris:
That Kennedy wasn't shot?

Alan Partridge:
That th-the facts are the facts are the facts. The same way we say that a crime is a crime is a crime, but with a different subject matter. Just the three times thing is the same.

Chris Morris:
I think repeating a word until it becomes an abstract noise doesn't really bulk up your case very well.

Alan Partridge:
No, but it's a good preface to the substance of what I'm about to say, which is this; the back of the head fell off, thank you, we know that.

Chris Morris:
Yep.

Alan Partridge:
A small explosive device could easily have been implanted in his head, the same way that a brolly was used to inject a pellet of poison into Gerogi Markov on a bridge in London.

Chris Morris:
So what was the object that penetrated President Kennedy's head in order to implant the -

Alan Partridge:
It could have been a brolly! A brolly!

Chris Morris:
He had a brolly stuck in his head?

Alan Partridge:
Yes!

Chris Morris:
Well, at what point in the Zapruder footage do we see a brolly being stuck in his head?

Alan Partridge:
It was a delayed explosive capsule.

Chris Morris:
Oh, it happened earlier?

Alan Partridge:
Yes, when someone was walking past and they bumped into him with their brolly and accidentally stuck it in his head, said "sorry about that Jack- John..."

Chris Morris:
It would have to go in very deep into the middle of his brain! What part of his head could possibly have been entered in order to implant a bomb in his brain?

Alan Partridge:
The soft bit on the top of his head, Chris...

Chris Morris:
He's not a baby, Alan!

Alan Partridge:
But some people-

Chris Morris:
The fontanelle would have close up! Has yours?!

Alan Partridge:
Uh, hang on... yeah, no, you're right, no, it has.

Chris Morris:
Right. No room for an umbrella there.

Alan Partridge:
Okay...

Chris Morris:
Imagine your head is Kennedy's head, tell me how you're going to put a bomb in it.

Alan Partridge:
Up his nose. Like they did the Egyptian pharaohs but in reverse.

Chris Morris:
They didn't bomb their heads!

Alan Partridge:
But they pulled them out like a magician's handkerchief.

Chris Morris:
And that's what happened to Kennedy?

Alan Partridge:
In reverse - well, no they didn't-

Chris Morris:
Bascially, you're seeing a magic trick and something sort of made out of silk...

Alan Partridge:
You-y-y-you-

Chris Morris:
A bomb, a silk bomb going off in his head?

Alan Partridge:
You-you say that facetiously but it was -

Chris Morris:
No I don't! I'm just trying to pursue your point!

Alan Partridge:
I-in-in a way it was a kind of a magic trick, perhaps the most frightening and horrible magic trick the world has ever seen.

Chris Morris:
And what about the second bullet?

Alan Partridge:
See how you twisted that?

Chris Morris:
What made him fall forward?

Alan Partridge:
He just lent forward when- in surprise, because he went "Oooh the back of my head's come off!" And he lent forward saying "did you see that?" and, you know there's lost of reasons why he could have leant forward, perhaps he was trying to change a CD...

Chris Morris:
A CD in the sixties?

Alan Partridge:
There is a lot of evidence-

Chris Morris:
What the hell would the President of the United States been doing listening to a CD that hadn't even been invented as he drove on a...

Alan Partridge:
Wasn't it invented?

Chris Morris:
Cavalcade through-

Alan Partridge:
The FBI knew about CDs for ages!

Chris Morris:
They didn't even have 8-track cassette players!

Alan Partridge:
There's so much about the world you don't know Chris, I mean I know y-you're, you know, you're very y-you're pretty good at your job, but there are so many things that you have to hear, to be - you think the Prime Minister runs England? What a laugh! What a laugh! What a laugh! Does he heck!

Chris Morris:
Who does run the world, Alan?

Alan Partridge:
Trade unions.

Chris Morris:
Trade unions have been emasculated for over a decade!

Alan Partridge:
What about the bloke who runs the firemen? He's quite... dodgy.

Iggy Pop Barker:
Physical complaints like the hardened lump on this woman's foot are treated as symptoms of spiritual disorder.

Man on doorstep:
I'm sick to death of this, all I ever get, "Treasury, Treasury, Treasury"! It's all I ever hear. I'm sick of it, I've had enough. Just all of you (beep) off!