Yes, Minister, Series One (1980)

[One day, Mr. Hacker is taking some paperwork out of his red box and Sir Humphrey has come to see him]

Hacker:
I am still not happy with this report, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
Then, Minister, we shall be happy to redraft it for you.

Hacker:
You've redrafted it three times already.

Bernard:
That's not absolutely correct, Minister.

Hacker:
Yes, it is, Bernard, I can count. This is the third draft report.

Bernard:
It's quite so, Minister, therefore it's been drafted once and subsequently redrafted twice.

Hacker:
Don't quibble, Bernard.

Sir Humphrey:
But we shall be happy to redraft it a third time.

Hacker:
And a fourth and a fifth and a sixth, no doubt. And it still won't say what I want it to say, it'll say what you want it to say, and I want it to say what I want it to say.

Bernard:
What do you want it to say, Minster?

Sir Humphrey:
We want it to say what you want it to say.

Bernard:
I'm sure the parliament doesn't want you to say anything you don't want to say.

Hacker:
Stop wittering, Bernard! Six weeks ago, the Think Tank asked us for our evidence on Civil Service overmanning. Three times, I have briefed a group of civil servants in words of one syllable and each time, they've sent back a totally unintelligible report, saying the exact opposite of what I asked them to say.

Sir Humphrey:
With respect, Minister, how do you know it says the opposite if it's totally unintelligible?

Hacker:
All I am saying is that the Civil Service is grossly overmanned and must be slimmed down.

Sir Humphrey:
Quite so. That is what the report says.

Hacker:
No, it doesn't.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, it does, Minister.

Hacker:
It - it does... Look, what I'm talking about is a phased reduction in the Civil Service of about 200,000 people. Are you going to put that in this report or not?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, Minister, perhaps if you were to take that draft home with you this weekend and study it, you might find that it does, in fact, say what you want it to say.

Hacker:
And if it doesn't?

Sir Humphrey:
Then I can only suggest that we redraft it.

Hacker:
Humphrey? Humphrey, sit down. (Humphrey sits in the chair opposite Hacker) Will you give me a straight answer to a straight question?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, well, Minister, as long as you are not asking me to resort to crude generalisations and vulgar oversimplifications, such as a simple yes or no. I shall do my utmost to oblige.

Hacker:
Is that "yes"?

Sir Humphrey:
(Takes a deep breath) Yes.

Hacker:
Right. Well, here's the straight question.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, I thought that was it.

Hacker:
When you give your evidence to the Think Tank, are you going to support my view that the Civil Service is overmanned and feather-bedded, or not? Yes or no? Straight answer.

Sir Humphrey:
Well, Minister, if you ask me for a straight answer, then I shall say that, as far as we can see, looking at it by and large, taking one time with another in terms of the average of departments, then in the final analysis it is probably true to say, that at the end of the day, in general terms, you would probably find that, not to put too fine a point on it, there probably wasn't very much in it one way or the other. As far as one can see, at this stage.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, I thought that was it.

Hacker:
Is that "yes" or "no"?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes and no.

Hacker:
Suppose you weren't asked for a straight answer?

Sir Humphrey:
Well then I should play for time, Minister.