Yes, Minister, Series One (1980)

[First lines. The episode opens at night with people on a balcony, including Minister James George "Jim" Hacker and the Mayor, who is announcing the results]

Mayor:
David Lloyd Evans, 4,106...

Narrator:
And here at Birmingham East, the Returning Officer is just declaring the result.

Mayor:
...James George Hacker: 21,793! Arthur William Gaunt: 19,321!

Narrator:
So Jim Hacker's back with an increased majority, and after many years as a Shadow Minister, seems almost certain to get a post in the new Government.

[Hacker is in his new office with Principal Private Secretary Bernard Woolley]

Bernard:
A sherry Minister?

Hacker:
Jim.

Bernard:
Oh, gin.

Hacker:
No, no, Jim, Jim. Call me Jim.

Bernard:
Oh. Oh, well I think it was all the same to you. I would prefer to call you Minister, Minister.

Hacker:
Minister, Minister? Oh quite, quite. I see what you mean. Does that mean I have to call you Private Secretary, Private Secretary?

Bernard:
No, do call me Bernard.

Hacker:
Thank you, Bernard. (Bernard gives him a glass)

Bernard:
You're most welcome, Minister.

Hacker:
Cheers, Bernard.

Bernard:
Your health, Minister.

Hacker:
Well what now?

[Sir Humphrey Appleby enters the office]

Bernard:
Ah, Minister, allow me to present Sir Humphrey Appleby, Permanent Under Secretary of State and Head of the D.A.A..

Hacker:
Hello, Sir Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
Hello, and welcome. (Shakes hands with Minister Hacker)

Hacker:
Thank you, Sir Humphrey.

Bernard:
I believe you know each other.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, we did cross swords when the minister gave me a grilling over the estimates in the Public Accounts Committee.

Hacker:
I wouldn't say that.

Sir Humphrey:
You came up with all the questions I hoped nobody would ask.

Hacker:
Opposition's about asking awkward questions.

Sir Humphrey:
And Government is about not answering them.

Hacker:
Well, you answered all mine anyway.

Sir Humphrey:
I'm glad you thought so, Minister. (Bernard gives him a glass) And Good luck.

Hacker:
Now who else is in this department?

Sir Humphrey:
Well briefly, sir, I am the Permanent Under Secretary of State, known as the Permanent Secretary. Woolley here is your Principal Private Secretary. I, too, have a Principal Private Secretary, and he is the Principal Private Secretary to the Permanent Secretary. Directly responsible to me are ten Deputy Secretaries, 87 Under Secretaries and 219 Assistant Secretaries. Directly responsible to the Principal Private Secretaries are plain Private Secretaries, and the Prime Minister will be appointing two Parliamentary Under-Secretaries and you will be appointing your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.

Hacker:
Can they all type?

Sir Humphrey:
None of us can type, Minister. Mrs Mackay types: she's the secretary.

Minister:
Pity, we could have opened an agency.

Sir Humphrey:
Very droll, Minister.

Bernard:
Very, very amusing, sir.

Hacker:
I suppose they all say that, do they?

Sir Humphrey:
Certainly not, Minister. Not quite all...

Hacker:
Right, now then, to business. Now you'll have to forgive me if I'm a bit blunt, but that's the sort of chap I am. Frankly, this depart... (Sits on a brown leather swivel chair) Don't care for this chair very much.

Bernard:
We can change it, Minister.

Hacker:
Can you?

Bernard:
We can change anything, Minister. The furniture, decor, office routine - Your wish is our command.

Hacker:
In that case, I'd like a new chair. I hate swivel chairs.

Bernard:
It used to be said there were two kinds of chairs to go with two kinds of Minister: one sort folds up instantly; the other sort goes round and round in circles.

Hacker:
Now then, gentlemen, frankly this Department has got to cut a great swathe through all this stuffy Whitehall bureaucracy. We want a new broom. We're going to throw open the windows, let in a bit of fresh air, cut through all the red tape, streamline this creaking old bureaucratic machine.

Sir Humphrey:
You mean a clean sweep, Minister?

Hacker:
That's it. A clean sweep. Far too many people just sitting behind desks. (Admires his desk) Not like us, of course. But we've got to get rid of all those people just making work for each other.

Bernard:
Get rid of them?

Sir Humphrey:
I think you mean "Redeploy them", Minister.

Hacker:
Yes. Good Lord no, I don't mean put them out of work. No, no. Open Government, that's what my party believes in, that was the main plank of our manifesto. Taking the nation into our confidence. Now how does that strike you? Do sit down.

Sir Humphrey:
May I? In fact, just as you said in the House on May 2nd last year, and again on November 23rd, and in your Observer article and in your Daily Mail interview, and as your manifesto made clear.

Hacker:
You know about that?

Sir Humphrey:
I'd like to have a look at these proposals, Minister. They outline the ways in which this policy could be implemented, and contain draft proposals for a white paper for your approval. We thought the white paper might be called "Open Government".

Hacker:
You mean it's all been...

Sir Humphrey:
It's all been taken care of, Minister.

Hacker:
Who did all this?

Sir Humphrey:
The creaking old bureaucratic machine. No, quite seriously. We are fully seized of the need for reform and we have taken it on board.

Hacker:
Must say, I'm rather surprised. I expected to have to fight you all way along the line with this.

Sir Humphrey:
People do have funny ideas about the Civil Service. We're just here to help you formulate and implement your policies.

Hacker:
(Reading the piece of paper) "Proposals for shortening approval procedures in planning appeals"?

Sir Humphrey:
Hansard Volume 497, page 1102, Column B. Quote "Mr. Hacker: Is the Minister aware that planning procedures make building a bungalow in the 20th century slower than building a cathedral in the 12th century? Opposition laughter and Government cries of shame".

Hacker:
Well they didn't actually cry shame.

Sir Humphrey:
Quite so, Minister.

Bernard:
But surely the citizens of a democracy have a right to know.

Sir Humphrey:
No. They have a right to be ignorant. Knowledge only means complicity in guilt; ignorance has a certain dignity.

[There are two official replies to the Minister's correspondence.]

Jim Hacker:
What's the difference?

Bernard:
Well, "under consideration" means "we've lost the file"; "under active consideration" means "we're trying to find it".

[The President of Buranda plans a speech urging the Scots and Irish to fight against "British colonialism".]

Hacker:
Humphrey, do you think it is a good idea to issue a statement?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, Minister, in practical terms we have the usual six options. One: do nothing. Two: issue a statement deploring the speech. Three: lodge an official protest. Four: cut off aid. Five: break off diplomatic relations. And six: declare war.

Hacker:
Which should be it?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, if we do nothing, that means we implicitly agree with the speech. If we issue a statement, we'll just look foolish. If we lodge a protest, it'll be ignored. We can't cut off aid, because we don't give them any. If we break off diplomatic relations, then we can't negotiate the oil rig contracts. And if we declare war, it might just look as though we were over-reacting.

[Frank Weisel is quoting an article in the Express about the fact that Inland Revenue has more employees than the Royal Navy.]

Frank Weisel:
"Perhaps the government thinks that a tax is the best form of defence."

Hacker:
How many people do we have in this department?

Sir Humphrey:
Ummm... well, we're very small...

Hacker:
Two, maybe three thousand?

Sir Humphrey:
About twenty-three thousand to be precise.

Hacker:
TWENTY-THREE THOUSAND! In the department of administrative affairs, twenty-three thousand administrators just to administer the other administrators! We need to do a time-and-motion study, see who we can get rid of.

Sir Humphrey:
Ah, well, we did one of those last year.

Hacker:
And what were the results?

Sir Humphrey:
It turned out that we needed another five hundred people.

[There is a government building with a reinforced concrete basement in case of a nuclear war.]

Sir Humphrey:
There has to be somewhere to carry on government, even if everything else stops.

Hacker:
Why?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, government doesn't stop just because the country's been destroyed! I mean, annihilation’s bad enough without anarchy to make things even worse!

Hacker:
You mean you'd have a lot of rebellious cinders.

Hacker:
Bernard, this government is here to govern, not merely preside like our predecessors did. When a country is going downhill, it is time for someone to get into the driving seat, and put his foot on the accelerator.

Bernard Woolley:
I think you mean the brake.

[The Minister is already double-booked when his wife reminds him of another prior engagement.]

Jim Hacker:
[on the phone] Bernard? Yes, it's me. Look, I'm going to have to cancel tomorrow. Swansea and Newcastle. Well, you see, it's my wife's wedding anniversary tomorrow.

Annie:
It's yours, too!

Hacker:
And mine, too, actually. Yes, it is...What do you mean, "coincidence"? Don't be silly, Bernard!

[It is 2 a.m, and Hacker has just made a phone call to a sleepy Sir Humphrey.]

Hacker:
[hangs up] Oh, damn! I meant to tell him to come and see me about it before Cabinet.

Annie:
Don't ring him now!

Hacker:
No, perhaps you're right. It is a bit late.

Annie:
Give him another ten minutes.

[One day, Mr. Hacker is taking some paperwork out of his red box and Sir Humphrey has come to see him]

Hacker:
I am still not happy with this report, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
Then, Minister, we shall be happy to redraft it for you.

Hacker:
You've redrafted it three times already.

Bernard:
That's not absolutely correct, Minister.

Hacker:
Yes, it is, Bernard, I can count. This is the third draft report.

Bernard:
It's quite so, Minister, therefore it's been drafted once and subsequently redrafted twice.

Hacker:
Don't quibble, Bernard.

Sir Humphrey:
But we shall be happy to redraft it a third time.

Hacker:
And a fourth and a fifth and a sixth, no doubt. And it still won't say what I want it to say, it'll say what you want it to say, and I want it to say what I want it to say.

Bernard:
What do you want it to say, Minster?

Sir Humphrey:
We want it to say what you want it to say.

Bernard:
I'm sure the parliament doesn't want you to say anything you don't want to say.

Hacker:
Stop wittering, Bernard! Six weeks ago, the Think Tank asked us for our evidence on Civil Service overmanning. Three times, I have briefed a group of civil servants in words of one syllable and each time, they've sent back a totally unintelligible report, saying the exact opposite of what I asked them to say.

Sir Humphrey:
With respect, Minister, how do you know it says the opposite if it's totally unintelligible?

Hacker:
All I am saying is that the Civil Service is grossly overmanned and must be slimmed down.

Sir Humphrey:
Quite so. That is what the report says.

Hacker:
No, it doesn't.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, it does, Minister.

Hacker:
It - it does... Look, what I'm talking about is a phased reduction in the Civil Service of about 200,000 people. Are you going to put that in this report or not?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, Minister, perhaps if you were to take that draft home with you this weekend and study it, you might find that it does, in fact, say what you want it to say.

Hacker:
And if it doesn't?

Sir Humphrey:
Then I can only suggest that we redraft it.

Hacker:
Humphrey? Humphrey, sit down. (Humphrey sits in the chair opposite Hacker) Will you give me a straight answer to a straight question?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, well, Minister, as long as you are not asking me to resort to crude generalisations and vulgar oversimplifications, such as a simple yes or no. I shall do my utmost to oblige.

Hacker:
Is that "yes"?

Sir Humphrey:
(Takes a deep breath) Yes.

Hacker:
Right. Well, here's the straight question.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, I thought that was it.

Hacker:
When you give your evidence to the Think Tank, are you going to support my view that the Civil Service is overmanned and feather-bedded, or not? Yes or no? Straight answer.

Sir Humphrey:
Well, Minister, if you ask me for a straight answer, then I shall say that, as far as we can see, looking at it by and large, taking one time with another in terms of the average of departments, then in the final analysis it is probably true to say, that at the end of the day, in general terms, you would probably find that, not to put too fine a point on it, there probably wasn't very much in it one way or the other. As far as one can see, at this stage.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, I thought that was it.

Hacker:
Is that "yes" or "no"?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes and no.

Hacker:
Suppose you weren't asked for a straight answer?

Sir Humphrey:
Well then I should play for time, Minister.

[Sir Humphrey stands up to Minister Hacker]

Sir Humphrey:
One more thing, Minister. The evidence to the Central Policy Review Staff.

Hacker:
You mean the Think Tank?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, Minister.

Hacker:
What about it?

Sir Humphrey:
Have you redrafted the redraft of your draft?

Hacker:
You don't want it yet, do you?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes.

Hacker:
Why?

Sir Humphrey:
So that we can redraft it.

Hacker:
Well that won't be necessary, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
I think it will, Minister.

Hacker:
Humphrey, Drafting is not a Civil Service monopoly, you know.

Sir Humphrey:
No, it's a highly specialised skill which few outside the Service can master.

Hacker:
Nonsense. Drafts is easy. It's a game anyone can play.

Sir Humphrey:
Not without getting huffed. So could I have the draft proposal, please?

Hacker:
Certainly, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
When, Minister?

Hacker:
Later, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, but when?

Hacker:
Well, you're always saying we mustn't rush things, aren't you?

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, I must ask you for a straight answer. On what day? Tomorrow? Monday? Tuesday?

Hacker:
In due course, Humphrey. At the appropriate juncture. In the fullness of time. When the moment is ripe. When the necessary procedures have been completed. Nothing precipitate, of course.

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, this is getting urgent.

Hacker:
Urgent, Humphrey? What a lot of new words we're learning!

Sir Humphrey:
Now, Minister, you'll forgive me if I say this, but I'm beginning to suspect that you are concealing something from me.

Hacker:
Surely you and I have no secrets from each other, have we, Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey:
I'm sorry, Minister, but sometimes one is forced to consider the possibility that affairs are being conducted in a way which, all things being considered, and making all possible allowances, is, not to put too fine a point on it, perhaps not entirely straightforward.

Hacker:
Well you're the expert on straightforwardness.

Sir Humphrey:
So what about the draft evidence to the Central Policy Review Staff?

Hacker:
Well, since you ask, Humphrey, and to be perfectly straightforward, I have redrafted it myself. I don't want you to redraft it. (Gets out of his seat and picks up his red box which he will put the redraft in) I am perfectly happy with it as it is. (Walks over to the fireplace)

Sir Humphrey:
May I be bold enough to ask what you have said?

Hacker:
I've said what I wanted to say: Phased reductions in the Civil Service.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, but I...

Hacker:
Humphrey, you have frustrated me over open government, you have frustrated me over the economy drive, but this time I'm going to have my way. The party wants it, the public wants it. And I'm bound to say that all we get from the Civil Service is delaying tactics.

Sir Humphrey:
Well, I wouldn't call Civil Service delays "tactics", Minister, that would be to mistake lethargy for strategy.

Hacker:
Very droll, Humphrey, but you must realise that there is a real desire for radical reform in the air. The all-party Select Committee on Administrative Affairs, which I founded, was a case in point. It's a great success.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, indeed. What has it achieved?

Hacker:
Nothing yet, but the party's very pleased with it.

Sir Humphrey:
Why?

Hacker:
Ten column inches in last Monday's Daily Mail for a start.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, I see. The government is going to measure its success in column inches, is it?

Hacker:
Yes, no. Yes and no! [Sits down in his chair off camera]

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, the evidence that you're proposing to submit is not only untrue, it is also, which is much more serious, unwise. Now, we've been through all this before. The expansion of the Civil Service is the result of parliamentary legislation, not bureaucratic empire building.

Hacker:
So when this next comes up in Question Time, you want me to tell Parliament that it's their fault that the Civil Service is too big?

Sir Humphrey:
But it's the truth, Minister.

Hacker:
I don't want the truth! I want something I can tell Parliament! Humphrey, you're my permanent secretary, you're supposed to enact my policies. Yet, I still don't understand why you seem implacably opposed to them. I must know where you stand on all this.

Sir Humphrey:
Where one stands, Minister, depends upon where one sits.

Hacker:
Am I to infer that you'll not support me?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, we'll always support you, Minister; but as your standard bearer, not as your pallbearer.

Hacker:
Humphrey, What are you saying?

Sir Humphrey:
I should have thought it was crystal clear, Minister. Do not send this report to a body whose recommendations are to be published!

Hacker:
That is exactly why I'm sending it. Now I don't want to hear any more about it.

Sir Humphrey:
May I say just one more thing?

Hacker:
Only if it's in plain English!

Sir Humphrey:
Very well, Minister: if you're going to do this damn silly thing, don't do it in this damn silly way.

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for at least the last five hundred years: to create a disunited Europe. In that cause we have fought with the Dutch against the Spanish, with the Germans against the French, with the French and Italians against the Germans, and with the French against the Germans and Italians. Divide and rule, you see. Why should we change now, when it's worked so well?

Hacker:
That's all ancient history, surely?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, and current policy. We had to break the whole thing [the EEC] up, so we had to get inside. We tried to break it up from the outside, but that wouldn't work. Now that we're inside we can make a complete pig's breakfast of the whole thing — set the Germans against the French, the French against the Italians, the Italians against the Dutch... The Foreign Office is terribly pleased; it's just like old times.

Hacker:
But surely we're all committed to the European ideal?

Sir Humphrey:
[chuckles] Really, Minister.

Hacker:
If not, why are we pushing for an increase in the membership?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, for the same reason. It's just like the United Nations, in fact; the more members it has, the more arguments it can stir up, the more futile and impotent it becomes.

Hacker:
What appalling cynicism.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes... We call it diplomacy, Minister.

[The Foreign Secretary explains the Napoleon prize.]

Martin:
Yes, it's a NATO award given once every five years: gold medal, big ceremony in Brussels, £100 000. The PM's the front runner this time. It's for the statesman who's made the biggest contribution to European unity.

Sir Humphrey:
Since Napoleon. That is if you don't count Hitler.

Daniel Hughes:
Let's face it, all your functions could be subsumed by other departments. Jim Hacker will win through with a thoroughly public-spirited, self-sacrificing policy. The PM will probably kick him upstairs: Lord Hacker of Kamikaze. [chuckles]

Sir Humphrey:
I hardly think that's funny, Daniel. Or likely.

Daniel Hughes:
But why not? I mean, he ran the leadership campaign against the PM, didn't he? This could be the PM's masterstroke! In one fell swoop: approbation, elevation, and castration. You know the PM's motto: in defeat, malice. In victory, revenge.

Hacker:
Humphrey, do you see it as part of your job to help ministers make fools of themselves?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, I never met one that needed any help.

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, I have something to say to you which you may not like to hear.

Jim Hacker:
Why should today be any different?

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, the traditional allocation of executive responsibilities has always been so determined as to liberate the ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae by devolving the managerial functions to those whose experience and qualifications have better formed them for the performance of such humble offices, thereby releasing their political overlords for the more onerous duties and profound deliberations which are the inevitable concomitant of their exalted position.

Jim Hacker:
I wonder what made you think I didn't want to hear that?

[How to guide ministers to making the right decisions]

Sir Frederick:
[...] there are four words to be included in a proposal if you want it thrown out.

Sir Humphrey:
Complicated. Lengthy. Expensive. Controversial. And if you want to be really sure that the Minister doesn't accept it, you must say the decision is "courageous".

Bernard:
And that's worse than "controversial"?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, yes! "Controversial" only means "this will lose you votes". "Courageous" means "this will lose you the election"!

[While going through the Minister's post]

Sir Humphrey:
You know the rules, Bernard - if it is not marked "Private and Confidential" we are obliged to open it.

Bernard:
What if it's marked "Daddy"?

[Humphrey tries to explain about Lucy's nude protest]

Sir Humphrey:
The Minister's daughter is to be...that is to say, she will not be...

Hacker:
Come on Humphrey, make a clean breast of it!

Sir Humphrey:
An unfortunate turn of phrase, Minister.

Hacker:
One: I am not a "badger-butcher". Two: badgers are not an endangered species. Three: the removal of protective status does not necessarily mean the badgers will be killed. Four: if a few badgers have to be sacrificed for the sake of a master plan that will save Britain's natural heritage - tough!

Lucy:
[sarcastically gives a Nazi salute] Ze "master plan", mein Fuhrer! Ze end justifies ze means, does it?!

[After Sir Humphrey prevents Lucy's nude protest by telling her that the Hayward Spinney badger colony is non-existent]

Hacker:
Humphrey, was there one word of truth in that whole story that you told Lucy?

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, do you really want me to answer that question?

Hacker:
[thinks uneasily] No, I don't think I do.

Sir Humphrey:
[smiles] Quite so. Perhaps there are some things it is better for a Minister not to know?

Sir Humphrey:
Bernard, Ministers should never know more than they need to know. Then they can't tell anyone. Like secret agents; they could be captured and tortured.

Bernard:
[shocked] You mean by terrorists?

Sir Humphrey:
[seriously] By the BBC, Bernard.

Hacker:
You're blathering, Bernard.

Bernard:
Yes, Minister.

Hacker:
Why are you blathering, Bernard?

Bernard:
It's my job, Minister.

Sir Humphrey:
It takes two to quango, Minister!