Yes, Minister, Series One (1980)

[Sir Humphrey stands up to Minister Hacker]

Sir Humphrey:
One more thing, Minister. The evidence to the Central Policy Review Staff.

Hacker:
You mean the Think Tank?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, Minister.

Hacker:
What about it?

Sir Humphrey:
Have you redrafted the redraft of your draft?

Hacker:
You don't want it yet, do you?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes.

Hacker:
Why?

Sir Humphrey:
So that we can redraft it.

Hacker:
Well that won't be necessary, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
I think it will, Minister.

Hacker:
Humphrey, Drafting is not a Civil Service monopoly, you know.

Sir Humphrey:
No, it's a highly specialised skill which few outside the Service can master.

Hacker:
Nonsense. Drafts is easy. It's a game anyone can play.

Sir Humphrey:
Not without getting huffed. So could I have the draft proposal, please?

Hacker:
Certainly, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
When, Minister?

Hacker:
Later, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, but when?

Hacker:
Well, you're always saying we mustn't rush things, aren't you?

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, I must ask you for a straight answer. On what day? Tomorrow? Monday? Tuesday?

Hacker:
In due course, Humphrey. At the appropriate juncture. In the fullness of time. When the moment is ripe. When the necessary procedures have been completed. Nothing precipitate, of course.

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, this is getting urgent.

Hacker:
Urgent, Humphrey? What a lot of new words we're learning!

Sir Humphrey:
Now, Minister, you'll forgive me if I say this, but I'm beginning to suspect that you are concealing something from me.

Hacker:
Surely you and I have no secrets from each other, have we, Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey:
I'm sorry, Minister, but sometimes one is forced to consider the possibility that affairs are being conducted in a way which, all things being considered, and making all possible allowances, is, not to put too fine a point on it, perhaps not entirely straightforward.

Hacker:
Well you're the expert on straightforwardness.

Sir Humphrey:
So what about the draft evidence to the Central Policy Review Staff?

Hacker:
Well, since you ask, Humphrey, and to be perfectly straightforward, I have redrafted it myself. I don't want you to redraft it. (Gets out of his seat and picks up his red box which he will put the redraft in) I am perfectly happy with it as it is. (Walks over to the fireplace)

Sir Humphrey:
May I be bold enough to ask what you have said?

Hacker:
I've said what I wanted to say: Phased reductions in the Civil Service.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, but I...

Hacker:
Humphrey, you have frustrated me over open government, you have frustrated me over the economy drive, but this time I'm going to have my way. The party wants it, the public wants it. And I'm bound to say that all we get from the Civil Service is delaying tactics.

Sir Humphrey:
Well, I wouldn't call Civil Service delays "tactics", Minister, that would be to mistake lethargy for strategy.

Hacker:
Very droll, Humphrey, but you must realise that there is a real desire for radical reform in the air. The all-party Select Committee on Administrative Affairs, which I founded, was a case in point. It's a great success.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, indeed. What has it achieved?

Hacker:
Nothing yet, but the party's very pleased with it.

Sir Humphrey:
Why?

Hacker:
Ten column inches in last Monday's Daily Mail for a start.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, I see. The government is going to measure its success in column inches, is it?

Hacker:
Yes, no. Yes and no! [Sits down in his chair off camera]

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, the evidence that you're proposing to submit is not only untrue, it is also, which is much more serious, unwise. Now, we've been through all this before. The expansion of the Civil Service is the result of parliamentary legislation, not bureaucratic empire building.

Hacker:
So when this next comes up in Question Time, you want me to tell Parliament that it's their fault that the Civil Service is too big?

Sir Humphrey:
But it's the truth, Minister.

Hacker:
I don't want the truth! I want something I can tell Parliament! Humphrey, you're my permanent secretary, you're supposed to enact my policies. Yet, I still don't understand why you seem implacably opposed to them. I must know where you stand on all this.

Sir Humphrey:
Where one stands, Minister, depends upon where one sits.

Hacker:
Am I to infer that you'll not support me?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, we'll always support you, Minister; but as your standard bearer, not as your pallbearer.

Hacker:
Humphrey, What are you saying?

Sir Humphrey:
I should have thought it was crystal clear, Minister. Do not send this report to a body whose recommendations are to be published!

Hacker:
That is exactly why I'm sending it. Now I don't want to hear any more about it.

Sir Humphrey:
May I say just one more thing?

Hacker:
Only if it's in plain English!

Sir Humphrey:
Very well, Minister: if you're going to do this damn silly thing, don't do it in this damn silly way.