Monk, Season 6

Monk:
[pushes the button for the interrogation room speakers] Excuse me, could you fix the blinds, please?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
I don't feel like it.

Monk:
I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.

Helen Hubbert:
Who is that?

Monk:
I'm with the FBI [pause], in Washington D.C., [pause] watching you on my computer [pause] screen.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...

Monk:
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the Styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
He is not a federal agent.

Monk:
Yes, he, I am.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself, and hates his life, and isn't happy unless EVERYBODY ELSE IS AS MISERABLE AS HE IS!

Monk:
Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.

Helen Hubbert:
How, how?

Monk:
How?! We're the FBI, that's how!

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!

Monk:
And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
He's looking inside your purse! He can see your wad of singles! [looks towards Monk and Natalie] Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man! Here. [takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room] What do you think of that?!

Monk:
Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life. Linda Fusco will still be guilty.

[Monk and Natalie walk away]