Monk, Season 6

[Randy has been disguised as Matthew Teeger's mother as part of a sting operation, with Monk, Stottlemeyer and a technician handling the operation from the back of a van]

Police Technician:
Tape is rolling. [sneezes] Could you hand me a Kleenex? [Monk hands him one]

Monk:
Kills 99.9% of all cold and flu viruses. Only 99.9. [A scratching noise is emitted over the wire]

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Randy, what are you doing?

[Cuts to upstairs, where Randy, dressed in drag and a gray wig and sitting in a rocking chair, is adjusting his bra]

Lt. Disher:
My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?

Police Technician:
This is a new low.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.

Lt. Disher:
[through his wire] He's never gonna buy this.

Monk:
Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
The important thing is that we keep him talking.

Lt. Disher:
What if he has a knife?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.

Lt. Disher:
Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
No it has to be covert. It has to sound conversational, sound natural.

Monk:
How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Ten of what?

Monk:
Of anything.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Well, you see, Monk. I don't think anyone would say that.

Lt. Disher:
I've heard people say that.

Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Look, here's the phrase: "Better late than never."