A Series of Unfortunate Events, Season 1

Jacquelyn:
Telegram for a Mr. Count Olaf.

Olaf:
It's just 'Count Olaf!' "Count" is my honorific; calling me "Mr." is not only redundant, it's an insult to my station. Who- [he opens the door, sees Jacquelyn and grins] Well, we meet again. You might want to ease up on the bronzer.

Jacquelyn:
I hope you don't think you're going to Peru, 'Yessica Haircut'. [steps inside, closes the door behind her]

Olaf:
I find it helpful to leave the country now and then. See some ruins, wait for the manhunt to die down, eat some cuy.

Jacquelyn:
You won't be eating any cuy, unless it's served in a prison cafeteria.

Olaf:
Why would I be eating in a prison cafeteria?

Jacquelyn:
Because I'm taking you to prison.

Olaf:
Well, good luck with that. [pulls out his knife] I'm armed.

Jacquelyn:
Hm. [pulls out a cleaver] So am I.

Olaf:
Child's play. [pulls out a machete]

Jacquelyn:
Adorable. [pulls out a harpoon gun and holds it to his neck]

Olaf:
Is that a harpoon gun? [drops his weapons] You'd never use it. One of your great gifts is your eminent compassion. You wouldn't squash a spider.

Jacquelyn:
I like spiders.

Olaf:
Well, that's good, because there's one on your shoulder right now.

Jacquelyn:
I'm not falling for that!

Olaf:
No, no, I'm serious. It's on your left shoulder. It's one of the bigger ones; I wanna say 'tarantula?' [shudders]