A Series of Unfortunate Events, Season 1

Lemony:
If you are interested in stories with happy endings, then you would be better off somewhere else. In this story is there not only no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.

Lemony:
This story will be dreadful, melancholy, and calamitous. A word which here means "dreadful and melancholy."

Lemony:
Sunny Baudelaire was an infant, a word which here means, "A person of the age of which one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks that most people had trouble understanding what she was saying."

Violet:
First of all, first impressions are often wrong.

Olaf:
Very true. For example, your first impression of me may be that I'm a terrible person. But, in time, Baudelaires, I hope you'll come to realize... you haven't the faintest idea.

Olaf:
Well, I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had.

Klaus:
We had a father.

Olaf:
Yes, I know. And a mother. Remarkable woman. Flammable.

Lemony:
Hello. My name is Lemony Snicket. And I am sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching is extremely unpleasant. From the beginning of this miserable tale 'til the last melancholy scene, I cannot think if a single line, a single word, that does not chill me to my deepest bones.

Olaf:
Do you know what the question is I am asked most is?

Hook-Handed Man:
"Will you please leave the premises?"

Lemony:
The word "standoffish" is a wonderful one, but it does not describe Count Olafs behavior toward the children. "Standoffish" refers to a person who for various reasons is not associating with others. It is a word which might describe somebody who, during a party, might stand in a corner instead of talking to another person. It would not describe somebody who provides one bed for three people to sleep in, forces them to do horrible chores, and strikes them across the face. There are many words for people like that. But "standoffish" isn't one of them.

Lemony:
Marriage is like sharing a root beer float or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume. Even when it's happening on stage, you should only do it with the people you love.

Olaf:
You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world is raising a child. But it is nothing compared to conceiving, writing, directing, producing, and performing in a theatrical presentation for the purposes of stealing their dead parents' fortune.

Poe:
I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to listen to that oddly dressed consultant who walked into my office with no references and no identification, and who suggested that I put you in Count Olaf's care.

Lemony:
Lousy Lane is perhaps the most unpleasant lane in the world. It runs past an orchard of trees which once produced apples so sour one only had to look at them to feel ill. It circles a horseradish factory so the entire area smells bitter and strong.

Monty:
I don't like fancy titles unless they get me a discount at the movies.

Monty:
And I will go and find the children, who you say have hidden themselves in the reptile room because you chased them up and down the staircase with a knife.

Olaf:
A simple misunderstanding.

Monty:
Yes. Well, I'm sure they'll be glad to hear that.

Monty:
Well, I insist you come.

Olaf:
I insist upon staying here.

Monty:
But I insisted first.

Olaf:
Well, I insisted louder!

Violet:
We wouldn't go to the end of the driveway with you, much less international waters.

Olaf:
Don't you miss the vivid imagination of childhood?

Poe:
I never had one.

Olaf:
An imagination or a childhood?

Lemony:
It is now necessary for me to use the hackneyed phrase, "Meanwhile, back at the ranch." The word "hackneyed" here means used by so many writers it is a tiresome cliche. While, "Meanwhile, back at the ranch" is a phrase to link what is going on in one part of a story with another part, and has nothing to do with cows or creamy salad dressing.

Olaf:
The Virginian Wolfsnake can bludgeon you to death with a typewriter!

Jacquelyn:
Telegram for a Mr. Count Olaf.

Olaf:
It's just 'Count Olaf!' "Count" is my honorific; calling me "Mr." is not only redundant, it's an insult to my station. Who- [he opens the door, sees Jacquelyn and grins] Well, we meet again. You might want to ease up on the bronzer.

Jacquelyn:
I hope you don't think you're going to Peru, 'Yessica Haircut'. [steps inside, closes the door behind her]

Olaf:
I find it helpful to leave the country now and then. See some ruins, wait for the manhunt to die down, eat some cuy.

Jacquelyn:
You won't be eating any cuy, unless it's served in a prison cafeteria.

Olaf:
Why would I be eating in a prison cafeteria?

Jacquelyn:
Because I'm taking you to prison.

Olaf:
Well, good luck with that. [pulls out his knife] I'm armed.

Jacquelyn:
Hm. [pulls out a cleaver] So am I.

Olaf:
Child's play. [pulls out a machete]

Jacquelyn:
Adorable. [pulls out a harpoon gun and holds it to his neck]

Olaf:
Is that a harpoon gun? [drops his weapons] You'd never use it. One of your great gifts is your eminent compassion. You wouldn't squash a spider.

Jacquelyn:
I like spiders.

Olaf:
Well, that's good, because there's one on your shoulder right now.

Jacquelyn:
I'm not falling for that!

Olaf:
No, no, I'm serious. It's on your left shoulder. It's one of the bigger ones; I wanna say 'tarantula?' [shudders]

Jacquelyn:
You're not going anywhere, you snake.

Olaf:
You're forgetting, my dear Jacquelyn: snakes shed their skin!

Vanessa:
Welcome to Lachrymose News, where things that are happening keep happening until they stop happening.

Lemony:
If the story of the Baudelaire orphans were a weather report, there'd hardly be any sunshine to be seen. Instead there would be cloudbursts of unhappiness, blizzards of despair, misery in the form of sleet storms, various cold fronts of terror, horror, attacks of allergies, not to mention the threat of a devastating hurricane lurking just off the map.

Olaf:
You know, in many ways I am married to the sea.

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender:
This is actually a large lake.

Olaf:
I am married to the sea, but my girlfriend is a large lake.

Klaus:
At least Aunt Josephine's trying. She wanted to get us gifts, even though she didn't know what we liked. We shouldn't complain.

Violet:
You're right. She means well. Even though she's terrified of everything, we shouldn't complain.

Klaus:
You're right.

Klaus:
I want to complain anyway.

Josephine:
It’s a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It’s like climbing the stairs to your room in the dark, thinking there's one more stair than there is. And your foot falls through the air, and there is a sickly feeling of dark surprise.

Olaf:
I remember it as if it were yesterday.

Josephine:
Although it was only a few hours ago.

Violet:
You're not a sea captain.

Olaf:
Oh, yes, I am. It says so on my business cards.

Poe:
I must say, other than a gaping middle age-shaped hole in the window, I can see no sign of struggle or break-in.

Poe:
The point is that you just can't start jumping to conclusions. You jumped to the conclusion that this note was a forgery, and now you're jumping to the conclusion that a villainous man who swore he'd stop at nothing until he got a hold of your parents' enormous fortune is involved in some plot to get a hold of your parents' enormous fortune.

Lemony:
Of course, if you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth. Particularly if the thing is cats.

Lemony:
Sailing across Lake Lachrymose in a hurricane offers a plethora of challenges. "Plethora" is a word which here means "Too many to list," but I will try.

Josephine:
Let's all close our eyes as if we're watching some onscreen entertainment that's too scary for people our age.

Poe:
It's a catastrophe. It's unprecedented. It's off-book, it's unfortunate. The Baudelaires are lost and unsupervised. Do you know what that means?!?

Fish Head Salesperson:
"Without supervision."

Violet:
I hope Mr. Poe isn't too worried about us.

Lemony:
If you like stories in which children enjoy pleasant rides in truck beds on their way to colorful destinations, where they finally solve the curious mysteries plaguing their lives, that story is streaming elsewhere.

Lemony:
"Out of the woods" is an expression referring to the fact that woods are dangerous places to be. Hansel and Gretel, two siblings enter the woods and are menaced by an elderly cannibal. Little Red riding Hood, a wolf enters the woods and is menaced by a rude little girl. And Walden, a poet enters the woods and is menaced by revelations that we should abandon civilization and live by a pond.

Lemony:
"Partners" can mean several things. It could mean "two people who own a lumbermill together, or a cupcakery." Now, with the advent of more progressive cultural mores, not to mention certain High Court rulings, it could also mean...

Sir:
I do all the work, he irons my clothes.

Olaf:
Did you ever know a woman, truck driver, who took your heart and rattled it like a bay in a cage? Who joined you for years on a sequence of heists and schemes until the two of you were forced apart by circumstance, and also because you ran off in the middle of the night with a bunch of her valuables?

Lemony:
For example, if an optimist were to have his right arm bitten off by an alligator, he might say, "Oh, boy, half-price manicures for life." As for the rest of us would say, "Ah, my arm." "Optimist" is not to be confused with "optometrist," a word meaning "health care professional who performs eye exams." Although both can be dangerous.

Charles:
I know Sir can be prickly, but you have to understand, he had a very terrible childhood.

Klaus:
I understand. I'm having a very terrible childhood right now.

Phil:
[after his leg is crushed] Oh boy! Half-price pedicures for life!

Olaf:
You drank all of my wine.

Orwell:
You poisoned my coffee.

Olaf:
You tried to hypnotize me.

Orwell:
It was the only way to shut you up!

Lemony:
Unless you are a murderer or a taxidermist, it is rare to have actual skeletons in your closet as opposed to metaphorical ones.

Violet:
Why do you hate us so much?

Olaf:
Because it's fun.

Orwell:
You know, they say holding a baby can make all these deep, primal parenting instincts kick in. I don't see it.