ALF, Season 1

[ALF and the Tanners find out about the red car]

Brian:
ALF stole a car.

ALF:
I didn't steal it. I bought it. For Lynn.

Willie:
I don't believe it.

ALF:
It would've been here last week, but I held out for red.

Lynn:
I don't believe it!

ALF:
It's true. Everybody wants red.

Kate:
ALF, how did you buy this car?

ALF:
I got it through my broker.

Willie:
Broker? What broker?

ALF:
The one I hired to sell the gold from my spaceship.

Willie:
Wait, wait, wait. Let's just take this one step at a time. You bought a car?

ALF:
Yes. The papers are in that envelope.

Willie:
You have gold?

ALF:
Had gold. All the plumbing on my ship was gold. Except for the bidet. That was platinum.

Willie:
Uh-huh.

Lynn:
ALF, this is the most wonderful present anyone has ever given me.

ALF:
Aw, you're just saying that.

Lynn:
No! No, I mean it. It's incredible.

Willie:
[reading a letter] Schecter, Cosay, and Klein. Investment Brokers. Dear ALF, congratulations. Or should I say, congratulazione. I've sold the balance of your gold and will invest the proceeds. In that mango farm in Oxnard. All the best. Joel.

Lynn:
Look at this interior. [goes inside the red car]

ALF:
The dashboard is burled mahogany, grown in the Ferrari family's private arboretum.

Brian:
And check out these wheels.

ALF:
Chrome. From Rome.

Kate:
Oh, feel this leather.

ALF:
Virgin ox. Albino virgin.

Kate:
Oh, my gosh. Willie, look, a cellular phone.

ALF:
Programmed for speed dialing. Come on, Willie, park your carcass on that virgin ox.

Lynn:
Yeah, come on, dad.

Brian:
Yeah, dad. Park it.

Willie:
Yeah? No, no. [refuses to get inside the car] I'm not getting in that car. I can't. ALF, we're not keeping the car.

Lynn:
What?

Brian:
Why not, dad?

ALF:
Yeah, Willie, how come?

Willie:
Because, it's wrong.

ALF:
[mimicking] Because it's wrong. Why don't we needlepoint that into a sampler!

Willie:
Look, we are not keeping a car that cost $60,000.

ALF:
90.

Willie:
$90,000.

ALF:
What's bugging you, Willie? Is it that your daughter drives a better car than you do?

Willie:
That has nothing to do with it. We're returning this car. Call Joel.

ALF:
I can't. He's in Palm Springs till Thursday.

Lynn:
Dad, please. I'll let you drive my car anytime you want.

ALF:
You wanna see how the Gucci airbag works?

Willie:
It's obvious we cannot have a rational conversation in the presence of a Ferrari.

ALF:
Alright. We'll go to the kitchen.

Willie:
No, we'll go into the kitchen. You stay here. Come on, Lynn. Don't touch that airbag!

ALF:
Fine. I'll just preset the radio.

Willie:
Joel.