ALF, Season 1

Willie Tanner{as narrator}:
This is the way it began, that extraordinary night. The night he came.

Willie signed off on his ham radio when it starts oscillating wildly. Kate rushes in garage

Kate Tanner:
Willie, the house is shaking!

Lynn and Brian rush in garage

Lynn Tanner:
Daddy, the power went out in the house!

Brian Tanner:
Dad, I'm scared!

Loud crash is heard; Tanner family sees a UFO crashed into their roof

Lynn:
What just happened?

Willie:
We have a visitor.

Tanners see an unconscious ALF in the canopy

Brian:
Do you get Sesame Street where you live?

ALF:
No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.

Woman on T.V.:
If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!

Kate:
I said no soda pop.

Brian:
It's not soda pop, it's beer.

ALF:
[burps] You're about out of Coors!

Kate:
What!? (grunts) Give those to me!

ALF:
Hey, hey, careful his is still full!

Kate:
Now, you just listen to me, ALF! I will not allow this kind of behavior in my house! This boy, is only six years old, he is not to drink beer, and you are not drink beer, and I don't know what it's like on...Mork, or whatever planet you come from, but....

ALF:
Melmac.

Kate:
What?

ALF:
[picking up Willie's glasses] Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like?

Willie:
Lash? How do you know about Lash?

ALF:
Well, Lynn and I were talking last night and she seems to feel- [tries on Willie's glasses] Jeez, you're blind as a bat, aren't you?

Willie:
ALF, please stay away from the window. We have a nosy neighbor, Mrs. Ochmonek.

ALF:
Ochmonek! Ha! Sounds like a typo.

Ochmonek residence. Mrs. Ochmonek looks in window and sees ALF

Mrs. Ochmonek:
Trevor, get over here! There is a wierd creature!

Mr. Ochmonek sees an empty window

Mr. Ochmonek:
It is just a window, Raquel! Have you been sipping the sherry again?

Mrs. Ochmonek:
I could swear it was there.

Mrs. Ochmonek takes a second look then see ALF waving at her

Mrs. Ochmonek:
AUGH!

Doorbell rings. ALF hides behind Willie while Kate answers door

Army officer:
Mrs. Tanner?

Kate:
Yes, who are you?

Army officer:
I am Captain Blackstone of the Alien Task Force, an adjunct of Edwards Air Force Base. Have you seen an alien with orange fur, three feet tall, with a big nose?

ALF looks at his nose, but it is clear he is the one being described

Kate:
What would be done to the creature?

Army officer:
Our usual tests. Intense heat, freezing cold, injections with different toxins, and finally, dissection.

Kate:
Why don't you just rip its toenails off while you are at it?

Army officer:
Oh yes, that too. Well, I am going to assume you do not know what I am talking about. Good day, Mrs. Tanner.

Kate:
Sir, who told you that we saw space aliens?

Army officer:
I am sorry M'aam but that is classifed information. As such, the informant must remain ochmononek-I mean anonymous.

Agent Hogarth:
ALF called again? What happened to William Tanner?

Agent McNeil:
He is still in police custody.

Agent Hogarth:
Well, Tanner cannot be two places at once. Any idea who or what ALF is?

Agent McNeil:
I found "Alabama Lunatic Fringe" and "American Laundry Federation".

Agent Hogarth:
OK, ALF, what is it?

ALF{over radio}:
I need to speak to the President.

Agent Hogarth:
He is indisposed.

ALF:
The bathroom again?

Agent Hogarth:
No, Sale of the Century! Well, OK, give me one moment. Please hold. calling the president Sir, there is an ALF who needs to speak with you...Are you sure you want to take this?...Very well...returning to ALF...Go ahead ALF.

President Reagan:
Hello?

ALF:
Mr. President, I need to speak to you about the bombs.

President Reagan:
Please do not mention Bedtime for Bonzo. I was under contract to make that!

Willie:
ALF, I am sorry that you cannot watch Psycho, but if you can promise me you will stay in the bedroom and not make noise, then I will consider next time that you may babysit Brian when Kate and I are out. I got you a jigsaw puzzle.

ALF:
It's broken!

Willie:
The idea is you are supposed to put it back together.

ALF:
I did not break it!

Willie:
I also got the newest issue of your favorite comic book, Shanna, Mistress of the Universe.

ALF:
I don't want Shanna. I want Mrs. Bates.

ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window

ALF{as narrator}:
Then it happened. He came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me: Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him. I was scared stiff, but I realized I had to do something; I realized I was the man of the house.

ALF:
Excuse me? Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.

Burglar:
[examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.

ALF:
Oh, yeah!? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box!?

[Burglar screams in shock and jumps out the window]

Policeman:
Are you Mr. & Mrs. Tanner?

Willie:
Yes, Officer. What can I do for you?

Policeman presents captured burglar

Policeman:
This man actually chased us down two blocks and begged us to arrest him!

Burglar:
What I did was wrong, and I must be punished.

Policeman:
We will get to that, for right now just relax. Do you own these?

Policeman presents stolen items

Kate:
That is my brooch and my jewelry box!

Willie:
My cufflinks!

Policeman:
If you come to the station and complete a report for us, you can have them back...if you want them back.

Burglar:
Come on, you promised, you promised!

Policeman:
OK, OK! Mr. and Mrs. Tanner, this man claims he was motivated to surrender himself to us on account of seeing an odd creature with a big nose wearing a blue dress.

Mrs. Ochmonek:
Well, I will go home now.

Mrs. Ochmonek is wearing a frumpy blue dress

Policeman:
Well, at least you will not be able to plead insanity.

[first scene of the series]

Willie:
This is the way it began that extraordinary night; the night "he" came. Let me just shut this thing off. What's that noise? Oh, my gosh! It's the infrared radio band. I've locked in to something in space; a pulsar or a satellite. Hello? Hello? This is K726XAA. Can you read me? They're answering but I don't recognize the language.

Kate:
Why don't you just shut it off?

Willie:
I, can't, I can't control it. It's locked in on the signal.

Kate:
Willie, what's that?

Willie:
Oh, my gosh! It can't be.

Kate:
The lights! What happened to the lights?

Brian:
Daddy! Daddy! What's that thing in the sky?

Lynn:
What's going on?

Willie:
It's closing in fast. I think maybe we'd better- [the spacecraft crashes into the garage as the Tanners look up to see the pilot unconscious in the canopy; revealing it is ALF] We have a visitor.

ALF:
Can I make a suggestion?

Willie:
Sure. Why not? [he and the rest of the family realize ALF said that and get shocked]

ALF:
Well, if it's not too much trouble, how about fixing my spaceship? [the Tanners are too shocked to answer] Hello. Read my lips.

Kate:
It talks.

Brian:
It's heavy, it's hairy, and it talks.

ALF:
Good. Now, how about fixing my spaceship, so I can get my heavy hairy body out of here!

Delivery Man:
Pizza Barge! 1 super Sicilian, that's me. Here's your pizza. Sorry we couldn't leave it by the tree. It's against company policy.

Raquel:
I don't understand.

Delivery Man:
Well the last time we left one by a tree, a squirrel died.

Raquel:
No, I mean I didn't order a pizza and I refuse to pay for it.

Delivery Man:
Lady, it's already paid for, house account.

Raquel:
[grabbing pizza box] Oh, well in that case.

Delivery Man:
[holding out hand] What about my tip?

Raquel:
[gives a dime to the delivery man] Here is this enough?

Delivery Man:
Oh, sure. In some states I can still make a phone call!

Raquel closes door

Raquel:
In some states I can still make a phone call.

ALF:

[trying to hynotize Lucky] Your eyelids, are growing heavy... You are getting sleepy... You, are no longer a cat, you are a bagel.

Willie:

What are you doing?

ALF:

Hey, ya scared me. You ought'ta wear a bell.

Willie:

What's going on here?

ALF:

[holding Willie's watch] Um, I was, uh, I was just teaching Lucky how to tell time. Show Willie what you've learned.

Willie:

You were hypnotizing him, weren't you? [Willie snaps his fingers 3 times at Lucky]

ALF:

Okay, you caught us. I'm trying to help Lucky beat his smoking problem.

Willie:

All right, it looks like it's once again time to restate the rules of the household. Rule #1:
We do not eat members of the family.

ALF:

Willie, Willie, Willie. Lucky and I were just kidding around.

Willie:

Ah, Look, uh, I gotta go pick up Kate and the kids. Now, while I'm gone, I'd like you to refrain from "kidding" lucky.

ALF:

No problem.

Willie:

I'd also like you to refrain from playing with priceless family heirlooms. ... It's broken.

ALF:

Lucky fell on it. You know, it's not always true that they land on their feet.

Willie:

Lucky? Lucky don't listen to him... Don't listen to him. You're not a bagel. You're not a bagel!

ALF:

But you are getting sleepy. [Willie looks at ALF] ... Just kidding! [laughs]

ALF:
There you go, Luckheimer. Oh, yeah. Who'd ever thought we'd see the day, when they'd trust me to feed you? Right now I'm in the catbird seat; sort of speak. Right now I can get away with murder; sort of speak. Right now, I could walk over to that refrigerator over there, grab a couple of slices of whole wheat bread, a little mayo, and slap together a B-L-T. Bacon, Lucky, and tomato. Yeah, I could do that. And they wouldn't even have the nerve to point their finger at the old Alfer. No, they'd probably blame Willie, before they'd blame me. Yep! I could do that. But I won't. And why is that? Because they trust me. But don't get too comfortable.

ALF:
Hey, um, I was wondering: what does 'FBI' stand for?

Willie:
The Federal Bureau of Investigation. [Pauses, suspicously] Why?

ALF:
Just curious. [Turns away]

[doorbell rings]

Kate:
Who am I gonna call at 4am?

Willie:
I know it's not perfect, [takes the cardboard chart away from Kate] but it's a start. [opens the door and sees the FBI]

FBI Man 1:
Howdy.

Willie:
Hi.

FBI Man 1:
Sorry to bother you like this, but I was wondering that Willie Tanner might be in?

Willie:
Speaking.

FBI Man 1:
Excellent.

FBI Man 2:
FBI.

FBI Man 1:
[turns around Willie] You have the right to remain silent.

Lynn:
Daddy!

Kate:
What are you doing?

Willie:
Kate!

Brian:
Mommy, make them stop!

Kate:
[sees the FBI handcuff Willie] Please! Leave him alone.

FBI Man 1:
We'll just be a minute. Let's go, pal.

FBI Man 2:
We'll take this, too.

Willie:
Not my chart!

FBI Man 2:
Sorry for the trouble man. [pushes Willie out of the house as he is getting ready to be sent to jail]

Kate:
Why are you doing this?

FBI Man 2:
It's the law, ma'am.

FBI Man 1:
This is what happens when someone threatens national security. [leaves and closes the door] Nice meeting you.

Willie:
[from outside] Hello, Mrs. Ochmonek.

Lynn:
Mom! What did he do?

Kate:
I don't know.

ALF:
What's going on out here?

Brian:
Daddy's been arrested.

ALF:
Boy! Those HBO guys mean business.

[Kate sees Willie in jail]

Kate:
I can't believe ALF used your shortwave to call the president?

Willie:
Shhh! All I know is somebody used my radio. I'm a criminal. They'll hang me.

Kate:
Willie, stop! It's obvious your going to have to tell the truth.

Willie:
Of course, the truth. I'll just explain to them. An alien took control of my radio. "And why did he do that?" they'll ask and I'll say "I wouldn't let him use the phone."

Kate:
Maybe we can clear it up, without I'll him telling the truth.

Willie:
The truth is I never should have let ALF anywhere near my-

Kate:
Maybe it was wrong of ALF to call the president.

Willie:
[sarcastic] Maybe?

Kate:
Okay, it was wrong. But you have to respect his feelings about nuclear war.

Willie:
It's commendable that he's willing to send me to jail for his beliefs.

Kate:
At least he cares about something other than food.

Willie:
Great. Now he cares about nuclear war and food.

FBI Man:
[walks over to Kate] Sorry ma'am, I need a moment alone with the alleged traitor.

Kate:
[walks away] Willie, I'll be right back. I'll check on the lawyer. You wait here. [reappears] Right, sorry. [leaves]

FBI Man:
Good afternoon, ALF. I need to talk with you about this. Just who are these people and why all they on the phone all the time?

Willie:
Well, what it quarrels down to is, we got to take a closer look at our bills.

ALF:
[pops up] Hey. What's going on in here?

Willie:
We're having a family meeting.

ALF:
Oh, I get it. Freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.

Kate:
ALF, we thought you were watching The Three Stooges.

ALF:
I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.

Brian:
Curley was a senator once.

ALF:
True. And Mo was speaker of the house.

Willie:
Could we put it off with the stooge talk here for a minute.

ALF:
Certainly. [mumbles and laughs]

Willie:
We'd like to get back to our meeting.

ALF:
Oh yeah, the one I wasn't invited too.

Willie:
It's about, it's about our family budget.

ALF:
What did you think I was going to do? Dominate the conversation? Be a nuisance?

Willie:
No ALF, nobody thought---

ALF:
Throw out a lot of useless suggestions, interrupt everybody!!?

Willie:
ALF.

ALF:
Never let anyone get a word in edgewise!!?

Willie:
ALF, you can come to the meeting.

ALF:
No thanks. [ducks down from the window]

ALF:
I'm beginning to realize what this is all about. The fingers are being pointed in the direction of the furry visitor. You think I'm a parasite!

Willie:
No one thinks you're a parasite.

ALF:
Or a freeloader!

Willie:
Well, freeloader's closer.

Brian:
What about a sponger?

Kate:
Where did you hear that?

Brian:
That's what you called him last week!

ALF:
Oh, I see.

Kate:
Let's just settle on parasite and move on.

ALF:
Fine. If you want me, I'll be in my room. Not wasting money. [walks off]

[ALF is making a cake for Willie and Kate's anniversary]

ALF:
Well, it's only toothpaste. Kate, Willie, you can come out now.

Kate:
[offscreen] Be right there.

ALF:
[singing as Kate and Willie enter the living room] Happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy happy anniversary!

Willie:
Cut, cut, cut. what's going on here?

ALF:
Lyrics too complicated? Happy Anniversary! [pop] Yeah!

Kate:
Well ALF, this is all very nice.

Willie:
Yes, thank you, but the only problem is-

ALF:
Problems, shmoblems sit down and relax. The old ALFer's doing it all tonight.

Kate:
ALF!

ALF:
The cooking, the serving, the cleaning, course when you two get into the bedroom, you're on your own. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Lynn:
[walks over to Willie and Kate] What's going on?

Willie:
It looks like that the old ALFer is throwing us a surprise anniversary party.

ALF:
Just a little informal nothing. Lobster pate?

Lynn:
Aren't you two going out tonight?

ALF:
What?

Kate:
Well ALF, that's what we're trying to tell you we have plans to see Nicholas Nickleby.

Willie:
The tickets were very hard to get.

Kate:
We appreciate all the trouble you've gone to. Cutting roses so they look like radishes.

Willie:
And making pate. Good pate, too. What's in it? Let me guess. There's lobster, sour cream, but there's something else.

ALF:
Play-doh.

Willie:
That's it.

ALF:
The fluorescent kind. I wanted it to be special.

[ALF gets ready to meet Jody]

Jody:
ALF, hi! I'm Jody.

ALF:
It's a pleasure to meet you.

Jody:
Please, you don't have to bow.

Brian:
Don't forget, we're gonna talk about my birthday.

ALF:
No problem. So, Brian, your birthday is Thursday. How old are you gonna be?

Brian:
7.

Lynn:
How old are you, ALF?

ALF:
229, in August.

Brian:
Gosh! How'd you blow out 229 candles?

ALF:
Eh, blowing them out was easy. Lightning them was trouble. By the time you're half finished, your wrist is on fire. [laughs] I kill me!

Kate:
Have you decided what you want on your cake Brian?

Brian:
Frosting! [he and ALF laugh]

Willie:
Brian, your mother wants to know what kind of decorations you want on your cake. Robin Hood, Hopalong Cassidy, Archie, and Jughead.

Brian:
Who are they?

Lynn:
People mom and dad went to school with.

Willie:
Perhaps those outdated examples.

ALF:
Hey, what about my favorite character on the cake? Ruth, the two-headed nurse.

Kate:
Ruth?

Willie:
The 2-headed nurse?

ALF:
Yeah, she was the Vanna White on Melmac, and the Betty White.

Kate:
Why don't we let Brian choose his own cake decorations?

Brian:
I can't decide right now.

ALF:
If he hasn't decided by noon tomorrow, we go with Ruth.

Kate:
Fine.

ALF:
Give me 5! [Brian high-fives him] Yeah!

Brian:
Give me 4! [ALF high-fours him]

ALF:
Ah! Yeah!

Brian:
Yeah!

ALF:
Ha!

[ALF is dreaming in Melmac with his friends]

Skipper:
Hey, hey, hey! Stella! So happy birthday, Gordo.

ALF:
Thanks, Skipper.

Rick:
Hey Gordon. You got a date later?

ALF:
Maybe. Maybe not.

Skipper and Rick:
He's got a date!

Rhonda:
Alright, who gets the chili cat?

Skipper:
Hey, over here, cutie.

Rhonda:
Phelonion fries, no gravy.

Rick:
Right here!

Rhonda:
Whisker omelet, tail on the side.

ALF:
Yo!

Rhonda:
Happy birthday, big boy!

ALF:
Thanks!

Skipper:
I think she likes you, big boy!

Rick:
She's got legs like a like a Lunar Lander.

Skipper:
She is no Rhonda.

ALF:
What about Rhonda?

Rick:
Come on! Who are you kidding? That's who you got a date with.

ALF:
Alright, I got a date with Rhonda. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

[ALF's dream ends]

Willie:
[while setting up Brian's birthday] Okay, there. There we go. What do you think Bri?

Brian:
[feeling depressed] It's the worst day of my life.

Kate:
Bri, we know how much ALF means to you. Honey, he wants to be with his old friends again.

ALF:
Am I interrupting something?

Willie:
Not really, we were just hanging up this happy birthday sign. Brian is about to cry.

Lynn:
So when is the next Demon concert?

Scott:
Oh, we are no longer the Demons.

Lynn:
Why not?

Scott:
Some other band had that name so we changed ours.

Scott holds up a drum

Drum:
DOORS

Lynn:
Wasn't there a band called the Doors?

Kate:
Here you go, Bri, bring the plates. [hands Brian the plates]

ALF:
[burps] Nice meal, Kate. Even though the portions were extremely small.

Kate:
Sorry, we only had one pot roast.

Lynn:
Guess what? The most exciting thing just happened. Scott Maynard wants to keep all of his band equipment in our garage.

Brian:
New boyfriend, huh?

Lynn:
Not yet.

ALF:
Boyfriend?

Lynn:
You should see him, he's gorgeous.

ALF:
Better-looking than me?

Lynn:
He has darker hair. And less of it.

ALF:
I see.

Lynn:
Anyway, dad, he's got this rock band and they keep their instruments and stuff in his garage but Scott's dad's having this garage sale tomorrow and he said that if Scott doesn't get all of his stuff out of there tonight he'll sell it off for $5, so is it okay?

Willie:
Is what okay? I missed most of that.

Lynn:
Please, dad, he wants to come over tonight.

ALF:
Tonight?

Lynn:
Yeah, tonight. In about 15 minutes, if dad says yes.

ALF:
I thought we had a date.

Willie:
You and Lynn have a date?

ALF:
We're gonna redecorate my room.

Lynn:
I'm sorry, ALF, we'll have to redecorate another time.

ALF:
I see.

Lynn:
Mom, can I borrow your pink sweater?

Kate:
Your father hasn't said yes yet.

Lynn:
Dad, Scott could have called anybody in school about this but he chose me.

ALF:
I see.

Lynn:
Please, dad, it's just for 2 days.

Willie:
I suppose Scott can keep his instruments here.

Lynn:
Thanks, dad. Mom.

Kate:
Yes. You can use the pink sweater.

Lynn:
Thanks. [she leaves the kitchen]

ALF:
Well, guess it's just me and my swatches.

Willie:
Remember the decorating rules. The decorating consists of a couple of posters maybe a coat of paint.

ALF:
Boy, you would've been a lot of fun during the Renaissances.

[after ALF's song ended]

Lynn:
ALF, I don't know what to say.

ALF:
How about incredible?

Lynn:
I can't believe you did this. Nobody has ever done anything this nice for me.

ALF:
So you're going out with me Friday instead of Scott?

Lynn:
One thing has nothing to do with the other. That's an entirely different subject.

ALF:
I see.

Lynn:
Don't start I seeing me again. I don't understand why you're so mad at me.

ALF:
Well, maybe it's because I thought we, we were..

Lynn:
Falling in love?

ALF:
Yeah.

Lynn:
I do love you, ALF. But not in that way.

ALF:
Then what way?

Lynn:
In a male-female relationship kind of way.

ALF:
Oh, I see.

Lynn:
ALF.

ALF:
No, no, I really do. I mean, I see that, I'll have to understand that we're just friends.

Lynn:
Good friends, special friends.

ALF:
I understand.

Lynn:
And how do you feel about this?

ALF:
I'll get used to it.

Lynn:
Thank you.

ALF:
So, we're going out Friday night or what? Just kidding. Ha!

Lynn:
ALF, you're the one that's out of this world.

[as Lynn kiss ALF, Kate comes out of the bathroom and gets shocked as the episode ends]

Willie:
To a super dad, husband, and earthling.

ALF:
That was mine.

Willie:
Thanks, thanks everyone. I'm very, very touched. Thank you, dear.

Kate:
Happy birthday, darling. [Willie kisses her]

Brian:
Happy birthday, daddy. [Willie hugs him]

Willie:
Thank you son.

Lynn:
Many more dad. [Willie kisses her]

Willie:
Thanks, sweetheart. Thank you, ALF. Thank- [ALF looks closely at his face as Willie gives him a kiss]

ALF:
Whoa! Not bad! Still waters run deep there, William.

Brian:
Blow out the candles!

Willie:
Okay, 1, 2, 3! [he blows the candles and everybody laughs after Willie blows the candles] What is this? The 5th year now and I fall for it every single time.

ALF:
Back off there Willie Bob, let me give it a shot. [pours the water on the candles and Willie's cake]

Kate:
[offscreen] ALF!

ALF:
What?

[Willie's graduation dream]

Willie:
Where am I?

Dean Houseman:
You're at your graduation.

Willie:
What am I graduating from?

Dean Houseman:
This is a dream, Tanner. Its purpose is to point out how inadequate you are compared to everyone else.

Willie:
That sound like fun.

Dean Houseman:
Would you mind standing off to the side? Nolan Westwood come on out and accept your diploma? Congratulations Nolan on being a successful unicyclist world traveler and New Guinea and Cape.

Nolan:
Thank you here are some stamps and coins.

Willie:
He is on the money to?

Dean Houseman:
Tanner.

Nolan:
Listen, I've got to go they're having a little ceremony for me back home I'm being bumped up from King to God

Willie:
Congratulations Nolan.

Nolan:
Thanks bud.

Dean Houseman:
And now, our next recipient needs no introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Namath! Just kidding, here you go, Joe.

Joe:
Thanks, say what's going on here?

Dean Houseman:
Willie's having a dream

Joe:
Willie!

Willie:
Hello Joe. I'm sorry to drag you into this.

Joe:
Oh hey, that's cool I've been doing a lot of dreams lately. Next week, I'm doing a Howard Cosell nightmare.

Willie:
Oh gee, Joe, you've done awfully well. Say, would you would you autograph this for my son, Brian?

Joe:
Absolutely. [he signs on Willie's back] There you go.

Willie:
Thanks Joe. "To Brian", "tell your mom hello."

Joe:
You know what I always think about what Kate said when I proposed to her. Yeah and that's how I got the bad knees by the way kneeling. She said Broadway she always called me Broadway she said thanks but no thanks. I'm looking for someone that's predictable and safe. So long, Willie. [leaves as he plummets]

Willie:
I'm going skydiving tomorrow.

Dean Houseman:
I'm going skydiving tomorrow. You had your chance. And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our man of the century. Someone whose accomplishments but the rest of us to shame. A person of whom it can truly be said he changed the way we look at the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gordon "ALF" Shumway.

[the three men come up to greet ALF]

Joe:
Can I have your autograph?

ALF:
Sure Joe.

Joe:
Oh wait till my friends see this.

ALF:
Oh there you go.

Joe:
Thanks.

Willie:
ALF.

ALF:
Willie.

Willie:
ALF.

ALF:
Willie.

Willie:
You're the man of the century?

ALF:
Yeah, what a surprise. I was happy just to be nominated, what a kick!

Willie:
Well congratulations.

ALF:
Thanks. Hey Willie, you never know, next century it could be you.

Willie:
I don't think so. Hey, come on, don't be so negative. All you have to do is take this parachute and jump Willie.

ALF:
Jump, jump.

Everyone:
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump. [they echo as Willie gets shocked]

[ALF and the Tanners find out about the red car]

Brian:
ALF stole a car.

ALF:
I didn't steal it. I bought it. For Lynn.

Willie:
I don't believe it.

ALF:
It would've been here last week, but I held out for red.

Lynn:
I don't believe it!

ALF:
It's true. Everybody wants red.

Kate:
ALF, how did you buy this car?

ALF:
I got it through my broker.

Willie:
Broker? What broker?

ALF:
The one I hired to sell the gold from my spaceship.

Willie:
Wait, wait, wait. Let's just take this one step at a time. You bought a car?

ALF:
Yes. The papers are in that envelope.

Willie:
You have gold?

ALF:
Had gold. All the plumbing on my ship was gold. Except for the bidet. That was platinum.

Willie:
Uh-huh.

Lynn:
ALF, this is the most wonderful present anyone has ever given me.

ALF:
Aw, you're just saying that.

Lynn:
No! No, I mean it. It's incredible.

Willie:
[reading a letter] Schecter, Cosay, and Klein. Investment Brokers. Dear ALF, congratulations. Or should I say, congratulazione. I've sold the balance of your gold and will invest the proceeds. In that mango farm in Oxnard. All the best. Joel.

Lynn:
Look at this interior. [goes inside the red car]

ALF:
The dashboard is burled mahogany, grown in the Ferrari family's private arboretum.

Brian:
And check out these wheels.

ALF:
Chrome. From Rome.

Kate:
Oh, feel this leather.

ALF:
Virgin ox. Albino virgin.

Kate:
Oh, my gosh. Willie, look, a cellular phone.

ALF:
Programmed for speed dialing. Come on, Willie, park your carcass on that virgin ox.

Lynn:
Yeah, come on, dad.

Brian:
Yeah, dad. Park it.

Willie:
Yeah? No, no. [refuses to get inside the car] I'm not getting in that car. I can't. ALF, we're not keeping the car.

Lynn:
What?

Brian:
Why not, dad?

ALF:
Yeah, Willie, how come?

Willie:
Because, it's wrong.

ALF:
[mimicking] Because it's wrong. Why don't we needlepoint that into a sampler!

Willie:
Look, we are not keeping a car that cost $60,000.

ALF:
90.

Willie:
$90,000.

ALF:
What's bugging you, Willie? Is it that your daughter drives a better car than you do?

Willie:
That has nothing to do with it. We're returning this car. Call Joel.

ALF:
I can't. He's in Palm Springs till Thursday.

Lynn:
Dad, please. I'll let you drive my car anytime you want.

ALF:
You wanna see how the Gucci airbag works?

Willie:
It's obvious we cannot have a rational conversation in the presence of a Ferrari.

ALF:
Alright. We'll go to the kitchen.

Willie:
No, we'll go into the kitchen. You stay here. Come on, Lynn. Don't touch that airbag!

ALF:
Fine. I'll just preset the radio.

Willie:
Joel.

[ALF comes out of the car and finds it broken]

Lynn:
[finds the car that ALF crashed in the garage] ALF! ALF, are you okay?

ALF:
Don't worry, I'm fine. But this phone is a piece of junk. I'm gonna call Joel just as soon as he gets back from the Springs.

Willie:
Forget the phone, forget Joel. You've just crashed into our garage. For the second time, I might point out!

ALF:
I'm sorry, Willie, I really am. I think I might need glasses.

Willie:
Glasses? I think you might need a lawyer.

Kate:
Now, Willie, calm down.

Willie:
May I just say to you, think it's very irresponsible of you. To take the car out on the road like this. To endanger your life and the lives of others. And to make us worry. And this sort of thing seems to be repeating itself over and over again.

ALF:
There have been some fun times. Tell him, Kate.

Kate:
There have been some fun times. ALF, a lot of fun times, but this isn't one of them.

Willie:
Look at what you've done!

ALF:
Alright, alright, calm down. Don't worry about it, Willie. I'll pay for it.

Willie:
And how do you propose to do that?

ALF:
Well, I'll call Joel tomorrow, I'll sell the car, and we'll use the money to fix the garage.

Willie:
You'll do that? You'll call Joel?

ALF:
Well, actually, it'll be Joel's assistant, because as I have mentioned, Joel is in the Springs.

Kate:
That sounds fair, doesn't it, Willie?

Willie:
I suppose so. I suppose it does, ALF. I'm glad you weren't hurt.

ALF:
Thanks. Of course I'll want a complete physical before I sign anything. Just kidding, just kidding. [phone rings] That'll be Mrs. Ochmonek about the hedge.

Willie:
The hedge?

Kate:
[walks away] I'll get it.

Man:
Mr. Tanner!

ALF:
Uh, that'll be the people across the street. Does your insurance cover front porches?

Willie:
I'll be right back. Don't leave town. [leaves]

Lynn:
ALF, I don't think I can ever repay you for what you've done. What have you done?

ALF:
Well, I ran over a few front lawns, clipped a couple of jade trees. The rest is a blur.

Lynn:
I'd better go see if I can help out. [walks away]

ALF:
I think I'll turn in early tonight. [hides away inside the car when a light shines on him]

ALF:
Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?

Kate:
Why?

ALF:
The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?

Kate:
Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar.

ALF:
Rules, rules, rules.

Willie:
Yes, that's the answer. San Diego.

Kate:
Fine. What was the question?

Willie:
Where shall we go on vacation? I say we would should go to San Diego.

Kate:
Oh, San Diego sounds fine. But, what about ALF?

Willie:
We don't have to check with ALF. That's where we're going, San Diego, it's really got something for everyone. It's not just an empty slogan.

ALF:
I'm sorry. Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter, or I shouldn't?

Kate:
Just toss it out.

ALF:
The hair or the peanut butter?

Kate:
Both!

ALF:
No problem!

Kate:
Why don't I believe that?

Willie:
Oh my gosh there having a Shakespeare festival.

Kate:
Willie, there's hair in our peanut butter.

Willie:
Love boat's, Bernie Koppel is playing Hamlet.

Kate:
What are we going to do about-

ALF:
[as grease fire starts to come out] GREASE FIRE! GREASE FIRE!

Kate:
ALF!

Willie:
Oh, no!

ALF:
[inside the kitchen] Never mind the curtains, put me out!

[after a thunder boom]

ALF:
Welcome back.

Kate:
Chutes and Ladders anyone?

Willie:
I'll set up the barbecue, anybody hungry?

Kate:
You're not going out there?

Willie:
I'll cook under the awning.

ALF:
Need some help bobbing for firewood?

Willie:
One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.

ALF:
Right. Let the alien starve.

Willie:
I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you! [pause] How would you like your hamburger?

ALF:
Medium rare. Hold the lightning.

Willie:
How would you like to be 50% hair?

ALF:
You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.

Willie:
I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.

ALF:
How, by drowning us?

Willie:
By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself. INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!

Kate:
[annoyed] Guys, please.

ALF:
Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!

Willie:
We're in this rainforest because of you!

ALF:
I vote we go home.

Willie:
You're not voting in this.

ALF:
Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!

Willie:
You wanna to go home, go! No one's stopping him!

Lynn:
Dad!

Willie:
There's the door!

Kate:
Willie!

ALF:
You want me to go? I'll go!

Willie:
Fine, go!

ALF:
Fine, I'm going. [he leaves but Brian stops him]

Brian:
ALF, don't!

ALF:
Sorry, Brian. I have my pride.

Lynn:
ALF!

Kate:
Come on, ALF! You're not really going.

ALF:
I'm out of here. I'm history! [opens a door when a thunder booms] I'm going to die! [leaves]

Kate:
Oh Willie, I want to see this. Look. Here, the very first Christmas card we ever got.

Willie:
From our good friends at the gas company.

Kate:
Oh that was a good first Christmas, wasn't it? We relaxed, we stayed in bed late and-

Willie:
Was too cold to get up. Our friends of the gas company turned off the heat.

ALF:
[comes in the Willie and Kate's bedroom] Merry Christmas! [rattles]

Willie:
He knows when we're awake.

ALF:
It's the day before Christmas. I've hidden all the eggs!

Willie:
ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.

ALF:
Oh, that's right. Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin!

Kate:
While you two get these holidays straighten out, I think I'll just go make breakfast.

ALF:
Not necessary. I already made breakfast. Sloppy joes and fiber glass.

Kate:
I'll just go find the eggs.

Willie:
Why did you make us breakfast?

ALF:
Because of the list.

Willie:
What list?

ALF:
Santa's. You know the fat guy that dresses in velvet. I found out that he watches everything you do right sit down and if you're naughties outnumber your nice is you don't get toys.

Willie:
So you made us breakfast? Can't hurt. Oh, oh, and I've got another surprise for you.

Kate:
[voiceover] Willie! Our Christmas tree!

Willie:
ALF, what have you done?

ALF:
I don't want to spoil the surprise.

Willie:
ALF! You cut our tree in the firewood! [looks at the chopped tree that ALF cutted]

ALF:
You're welcome. [rattles]

Willie:
[wakes up from his and ALF's dream] What's going on here?

ALF:
Nothing. I just loaded a tree into the car.

Willie:
Where did you get it?

ALF:
Think Willie, where do we get trees?

Willie:
You mean you went out into the woods and cut down this tree for me?

ALF:
Isn't that what we came here for?

Willie:
ALF, I don't know what to say.

ALF:
Well you better say it quick. There's a forest ranger headed this way. He must have heard the chainsaw.

Willie:
At least we're going to get help. And we're going to get home and we're going. And we're going to get fine.

ALF:
[as snow begins to snow] Willie! Willie! Look!

Willie:
It's snow.

ALF:
Snow! I finally get to see snow!

Forest Ranger:
[voiceover] You in there! I wanna talk to you about that tree!

Willie:
Merry Christmas ALF! [covers him with a blanket]

ALF:
[covered inside a blanket] Merry Christmas Willie.

Willie:
Yes? [gets out of the car]

[Kate gets ready to let her mom Dorothy go inside the house]

Kate:
Mom! It's so good to see you! [closes the door] It's my mother!

ALF:
Grandma?

Willie:
Not your grandma, it's Lynn and Brian's grandma. [takes the stuff away from ALF]

ALF:
What brings her out this way?

Kate:
ALF! The kitchen! The kitchen! Now!

ALF:
All right, Willie grab the pasta maker. [leaves]

Willie:
Just GO!

Lynn:
[she and Brian come in the living room] Who's at the door?

ALF:
Grandma!

Brian:
Where is she?

ALF:
They're making her stand outside.

Willie:
GET OUT!

Lynn:
GO!

[Kate opens the door to let her mom in after ALF goes inside the kitchen]

Kate:
Mom! Go in!

Dorothy:
Are you sure?

[Dorothy turns on the light and comes in the kitchen as ALF gets ready to meet with her]

ALF:
Hi, Grandma!

Dorothy:
Oh my god!

ALF:
Have a seat.

Dorothy:
Who are you? What are you?

ALF:
A little background: My name is ALF. I come from the planet Melmac. I'm a member of a civilization millions of years ahead of your own. And now I live in a laundry basket next to the washing machine. Cup of java?

Dorothy:
I know, I know. You're something Willie made. He's always making crazy things in the garage.

ALF:
Take my word of it. I'm a space being, and since you've been here, I've had to live in the garage. Let me ask you something. Why are you so hard to get along with? Kate's easygoing. Is she adopted or something? Anyway, my advice would be, lighten up on her. Be nice. Oh yeah, another thing. STOP POKING ME! We'll talk again. When you're a little less touchy-feely. [snaps jaws as Dorothy leaves the kitchen]

[ALF is pounding nails on the sign in the door]

Willie:
Say, why are you pounding nails in our front door?

ALF:
To keep the sign from falling. Don't you know anything about gravity?

Willie:
Give me the hammer.

ALF:
Thanks for offering, but the job's already done. [Willie takes the hammer away from ALF]

Lynn:
[she and Brian come to the living room] Morning. Morning, dad.

ALF:
Have you practiced the poem?

Lynn:
Yes, ALF, but I-

ALF:
But nothing. Let's hear it.

Lynn and Brian:
Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

ALF:
Maybe another "goodbye" in there.

Kate:
[comes out of the kitchen with a so long bag] What's this stuff in this bag?

ALF:
I prepared a little flight kit. Nothing special, just a few travel necessities. I emphasize the word "travel."

Kate:
[looks inside the bag] Magazines, Kleenex, breath mints, antacids, and moist towelettes.

ALF:
If she stops for anything, she might miss her plane.

Willie:
How very thoughtful of you.

ALF:
And, of course, the bag will come in handy in case of turbulence. Or if they show Howard the duck.

Dorothy:
[walks up to the Tanners] Guess what! I'm not leaving.

ALF:
Why not?

Willie:
ALF, don't be rude. [pause] Why not, Dorothy?

Dorothy:
I could just kill Estelle. She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter. Now, where does that leave me and all my plans? Honestly, I hate doing this. But, well, I'm gonna have to stay here a little while longer.

ALF:
You know, there's a nice motel down the street. [Dorothy and the Tanners stare at him] Just a thought.

[ALF puts a clothes pin on himself and screams]

Willie:
[comes in] ALF, are you alright?

ALF:
Oh, yeah, everything's fine.

Willie:
Why? Why do you have those clothespins attached to your head?

ALF:
It's a form of acupressure. On Melmac, we use it to relieve writer's block.

Willie:
Still having trouble with the script thing?

ALF:
Huh. Read it yourself.

Willie:
[reads the script] Scene 1, interior, living root. Interior, living root.

ALF:
It's a typo. I mean, give me a break. I've only got 8 fingers.

Willie:
I'm sorry. Monica enters. She says, good morning. Well, what's wrong with that?

ALF:
Willie, there's no one else in the room with her. I've got the woman talking to chairs. I'll never have this finished by tomorrow.

Willie:
Listen, you ought to try to relax, ALF.

ALF:
Listen, you ought to try to relax, ALF. Relax? Sure, relax. I've got a deadline. I mean, I promised to put likability and warmth into these characters.

Willie:
You know, I had a case of writer's block once. I was writing a term paper for my art history class. Or was it my comparative religion class?

ALF:
What! Are you dictating your autobiography?

Willie:
I'm trying to help here.

ALF:
Go back in the house.

Willie:
I can't go back in the house. There are two women in there. Who aren't speaking to each other, or to me, or to you. In fact, ALF, you've written us into this mess. Now you've got to write us out.

ALF:
Alright. Alright. I will. Put on another pot of coffee. [as Willie leaves the garage, he puts another clothes pin on himself and screams again] And get some more clothespins.

[ALF is sitting on the sofa while Willie and Kate bring a box to the living room]

Willie:
Watch out for that table.

Kate:
Oh. I see it.

Willie:
I don't know how your mother's gonna get all this stuff in that little, little apartment.

Kate:
Well, you've never seen the inside of her handbag.

ALF:
Heavy?

Willie:
Yes. But no heavier than other boxes you've watched us carry.

ALF:
Would you mind licking this stamp?

Willie:
Can't you lick that yourself?

ALF:
Not with chocolate on my tongue.

Willie:
Where did you get the chocolate?

ALF:
It's the funniest thing. I found a whole box in the back of your closet.

Willie:
I was going to give that to Kate for Valentine's Day.

Kate:
Oh, Willie, that's sweet.

Willie:
He ate the whole box.

ALF:
Whining is not going to bring it back!

Kate:
Willie, it's, it's alright. Maybe he, uh, [opens box] he did! He forgot the second layer.

ALF:
Right! I only licked those! [pause] Great. Now nobody can eat them.

Dorothy:
Am I wearing a sign that says kick me?

ALF:
No, but that can be arranged. Willie, get the staple gun! Ha!

Dorothy:
I am in no mood for you.

ALF:
[under his breath] What a coincidence.

ALF:
If anybody wants me, I'll be in the whirling hot tub.

Lynn:
We don't have a whirling hot tub.

ALF:
I know, I'm gonna improvise.

Lynn:
Any mail for me?

Kate:
Nope, sorry.

ALF:
Any mail for me?

Kate:
Yeah. All of it. [pause] But ALF, I don't want you joining anymore record clubs.

ALF:
Fine, fine, fine. Oh hey, before I forget, I need you to write out a couple of checks: One to Greenpeace and one to the auto club.

Lynn:
You're a member of the auto club?

ALF:
I like the magazine.

Kate:
Well, I'm not writing anymore checks.

ALF:
Well, fine, my checks just came. Oh darn, I ordered sunrise. They sent me sunset.

Kate:
Go take your bath.

ALF:
Fine. I wish these insurance companies would leave me alone. I'm already fully covered through the auto club. [leaves]

Kate:
I just know he's gonna get hair in the drain.

Lynn:
He was wearing a shower cap.

Kate:
Why was he carrying my mixer into the bathroom?

Lynn:
He said something about a whirling hot tub.

ALF:
[gets hurt offscreen] Whoa!

Kate:
ALF! [she and Lynn get up] Oh my gosh. [finds ALF walking to the living room] ALF? Are you alright?

ALF:
ALF? There must be some mistake. I'm Wayne Shagele, Michigan Life and Company. [nods his head]

Willie:
What's going on here?

Kate:
ALF is an insurance agent.

Brian:
You got a job?

Lynn:
No! Dad, ALF took a bad fall in the hot tub and we think he lost his memory.

Willie:
Oh no! But we don't have a hot tub.

ALF:
Well, that's a good thing Willie, we don't cover hot tubs. It is Willie, isn't it?

Willie:
Yes.

ALF:
We don't cover hot tubs.

Willie:
I can't believe that you called the police!

ALF:
What goes around, comes around.

Kate:
What are we gonna do when the police come here?

ALF:
Well, why don't you tell them that they're aliens, and then take their clothes?

Willie:
Look, who took whose clothes? You don't know the mistake you just made!

ALF:
Yeah? Well, you're the one who's making a mistake, tangling with a man from Michigan-

The Tanners:
Life and Casualty.

ALF:
Now the cops are gonna lock you up, and you'll get a taste what it's like to be a prisoner.

Willie:
I already know what's like, thanks to you.

ALF:
[after he returns back to normal] The last thing I remember, was this big flash of light. I smiled because I thought someone was taking my picture. And that's about it. Oh and that Chung Insurance is cheaper than whole life.

Kate:
Well, it's a start. [the door knocks] Oh my gosh! It's the police!

ALF:
Now what did you guys do? I swear, if it's not 1 thing with this family it's another. Hey, what am I doing in this cheap polyester suit?

Lynn:
Come on, ALF. You'd better go.

ALF:
Fine if you all need me I'll be in the whirling hot tub. [leaves]

[Luis enters the Tanner's house and meets with the Tanner family]

Willie:
Everybody, this is Luis Mancia. Luis, this is everybody. This is Kate, uh- This is Señorita Tanner, This is-

Luis:
Lynn!

Lynn:
Have we met?

Willie:
He saw your picture. Your school picture on my desk.

Lynn:
You know I hate that picture. I wish you wouldn't show it to people.

Kate:
What's the matter with it?

Lynn:
I look like the village idiot.

Kate:
Honey, you don't look anything like the village idiot.

Willie:
People, people. Luis, this is Brian.

Brian:
Hi!

Kate:
Luis, it's good to have you here.

Willie:
Luis is going to stay here tonight.

Brian:
Great, he can have my room, and I'll sleep in the laundry room with-

Lynn:
Brian!

Brian:
A-L-F.

Willie:
I think the couch will be fine. I think A-L-F can sleep in the garage.

Kate:
Brian, why don't you show Luis Where he can wash up for dinner.

Brian:
Okay. C'mon, Luis. [he leaves the living room with Luis]

Willie:
ALF, we have to talk.

ALF:
Just a second. Easy shot! Ha! That's exactly why the martians are extinct.

Willie:
What is this?

ALF:
Space Invaders.

Willie:
What do they do? Crash in your garage, eat all your food, dig up your yard?

ALF:
You're in a mood!

Willie:
Yes, I am! Because I found my good hoe, in this condition! [holds up a pole with a bit of mangled scrap iron on one end]

ALF:
Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was plowing up my garden and I hit a water main. Don't worry, it wasn't yours.

Willie:
So, you're giving up gardening?

ALF:
Not giving it up. Just switching crops.

Willie:
Oh, to what?

Kate:
[offscreen] Willie!

ALF:
Earthworms. [Willie leaves] Hey, I think I know that guy!

ALF:
Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate?

Willie:
Inside the shower.

ALF:
Thanks! [exits the living room]

Lynn:
He wouldn't.

Willie:
He might! [Kate screams from the shower] He did.

ALF:
[reappears in the living room] Found her!

Willie:
ALF, you don't walk into other people's showers.

ALF:
I didn't walk in. I just pulled the curtain open.

Willie:
I insist that you respect my wife's privacy.

ALF:
Alright, alright. We're movin' on. I need to have a family meeting here. [hangs up the phone that Lynn is using]

Lynn:
[angrily] ALF!

ALF:
They'll call back.

Kate:
[angrily] You do that again, you're a seat cover!

ALF:
Do what again?

Kate:
You know what!

Lynn:
ALF, that was very rude hanging up the phone like that.

ALF:
You're right. I'm sorry. You look a little different today.

Lynn:
Oh I know I got-

ALF:
Did you used to have a moustache?

Lynn:
No. I got my braces off.

ALF:
Yeah but didn't you used to have a moustache too?

Kate:
ALF, what do have to say that's so important?

ALF:
Today is March the 1st.

Willie:
You better not be finished.

ALF:
I wasn't. Tomorrow is the 2nd.

Lynn:
I'm calling Mindy back.

ALF:
Hey wait, wait. Come here. Come back here. Every 75 years on March 2nd, I go through a complex physiological and psychological transformation.

Brian:
What?

ALF:
I go goofy. All Melmacians go through it. From sunrise to sunset my personality will change dramatically.

Willie:
How dramatic is this change?

ALF:
One never knows till it happens. But expect the unexpected. Wildly erratic behavior, personality shifts. The main thing is that I'll do anything to get out of that cage and get my hands on a cat. Any questions?

Willie:
I have one.

ALF:
You in the tie.

Willie:
What cage?

ALF:
Oh, ah, the cage you're going to build for me. The one with the reinforced sides.

[Brian is locked inside the cage by ALF in the middle of the night]

Brian:
[inside the cage] Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad! Let me out!

Willie:
Oh boy, he does a good Brian.

Lynn:
You'd hardly know it was ALF.

Brian:
[inside the cage] It's me, it's really me!

Willie:
Nice try.

Kate:
Honey, maybe it is Brian.

Willie:
But that can't be. Brian's in bed.

Kate:
Brian!!

Brian:
What?!!

Willie:
Not you. Brian!!

Brian:
What?!!

Lynn:
I'll go check his room.

Kate:
Honey, honey, it looks just like Brian.

Willie:
Maybe ALF can change his shape, too.

Brian:
[inside the cage] No he can't. It's me.

Willie:
Alright, alright. If you're really Brian what's your favorite food?

Brian:
Spaghetti.

Willie:
Uh, that's ridiculous.

Kate:
No, no, no, that is his favourite food.

Willie:
I thought it was Lynn liked spaghetti.

Kate:
No

Willie:
No?

Kate:
No

Lynn:
He's not back there.

Willie:
Say, what's your favourite food?

Lynn:
I don't know. White boiled potatoes.

Willie:
I thought you liked spaghetti.

Lynn:
It's alright.

Willie:
Alright?

Lynn:
It's fine.

Kate:
Willie! Willie, I'm going to open this cage.

Willie:
No wait. What's your mother's maiden name?

Brian:
What's a maiden name?

Willie:
Well, you know it's the name she had before she was married.

Brian:
Kate.

Willie:
No, her other name. Her last name.

Brian:
Halligan.

Kate:
Oh, Brian! Honey!

Willie:
Are you all right?

Lynn:
What happened to ALF?

Brian:
I let him go.

Kate:
Oh, honey.

Lynn:
I'll go check out back.

Willie:
Brian, why?

Brian:
He told me the change was over. I'm really sorry.

Kate:
Oh, honey, it's all right. But what were you doing up in the middle of the night?

Brian:
I thought I wanted some milk. Maybe it was ALF was trying to call me in my mind.

Willie:
No, I don't think so, Brian.

Lynn:
The gate to the Ochmoneks' is wide open.

Willie:
Oh, no. Lucky's over there. I'm going to go next door and see if ALF is there. You stay here in case he comes back.

Kate:
Oh, well, you'd both better go back to bed.

Lynn:
I can't sleep now.

Brian:
I'm hungry.

Kate:
Alright, alright, we'll stay up and have a snack. What would you like?

Lynn and Brian:
Spaghetti. White boiled potatoes.

[Willie comes in his and Kate's room and sees ALF watching the Ochmoneks' fight from the window]

ALF:
Hey! Pull up a chair, Willie. You're missing a good one.

Willie:
What are you doing?

ALF:
Watching the Ochmoneks' fight. Trevor's ahead on points.

Willie:
ALF, you're not supposed to watch through their windows. Find something else to do.

ALF:
Willie, there's a power blackout. There's no TV, no video games. I can't play blink the lights.

Willie:
We're all suffering, ALF. Why don't you go out in the backyard and play?

ALF:
In this heat?

Willie:
You could fry a cat on the sidewalk.

ALF:
Well, I could.

Willie:
Say, why are you wearing my T-shirt?

ALF:
This is what people wear when they swelter. I saw it in Streetcar.

Willie:
I don't like you taking my clothes and [takes his opera glasses away from ALF] I don't like you using my opera glasses to spy on the neighbors!

ALF:
Boy, you get irritable when it's hot. Remind me to never take you to Mercury!

Willie:
Deal. [goes in the bathroom]

ALF:
Hey! Would you knock off the sax?

Willie:
[wakes up and finds ALF] ALF, what's going on?

ALF:
Don't ask.

Kate:
What are you talking about?

ALF:
I'm talking about murder. I'm talking about mayhem. I'm talking about foul play.

Willie:
ALF, get to the point or go back to sleep.

ALF:
Alright. I just saw Mr. Ochmonek kill Mrs. Ochmonek.

Willie:
Oh, come on.

ALF:
I'm serious. I heard them fighting. Then I saw Mr. Ochmonek pick up an ice pick.

Willie:
Maybe you misinterpreted things.

ALF:
Oh, right. Maybe they were playing ice pick bingo.

Kate:
ALF, you we're always doing. Do you remember when you thought Mr. Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?

ALF:
It was an atomic bomb.

Willie:
It was a pool heather.

ALF:
Ha! The Littwak's don't even own a pool.

Kate:
Yes, they do.

ALF:
They do? Can we go over?

Willie:
Look, it's hot tonight, you're tired. You're having a hard time distinguishing fantasy from reality.

ALF:
So you're saying I'm crazy?

Willie:
I'm saying your mind may have been playing tricks on you.

ALF:
Fine, don't believe me. They didn't believe The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Willie:
The Boy Who Cried Wolf lied.

ALF:
He did? I've gotta stop speed-reading books.

[ALF wakes up and screams in the middle of the night when he pulls up the curtain to find Trevor scaring him]

ALF:
Whoa. It was only a dream. I've gotta stop eating Styrofoam before I go to bed. [he screams again when he finds Trevor standing next to him until the Tanners come]

Lynn:
ALF! ALF, are you alright?

Willie:
What happened?

Kate:
ALF!

ALF:
Hey, watch the shoulders! I've got bursitis.

Lynn:
ALF, what were you screaming about?

ALF:
It was horrible. Trevor was after me.

Brian:
I don't see Mr. Ochmonek.

ALF:
Well, he was here a minute ago. Check behind the refrigerator.

Kate:
Brian, ALF was just having a nightmare.

Willie:
That is exactly what happens to people who stare into other people's windows.

ALF:
Isn't he wonderful? The guy can turn anything into an object lesson.

Lynn:
Would you like us to stay with you for a little while?

ALF:
Yes, please. Forever.

Willie:
Come on, Brian. ALF, try to get some sleep.

ALF:
I can't. I'm too wound up. I've been through a trauma.

Kate:
Come on, Lynnie, let's go to bed. Good night, ALF.

Lynn:
Good night, ALF.

Willie:
[voiceover] Good night, ALF.

[Kate and Lynn leave the kitchen]

ALF:
Okay, don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Ignore that. Ignore that. Oh, heck, why must I be so darn curious? [he pulls up the blinds and finds Trevor digging a hole outside in the middle of the night] Alas, poor Mrs. Ochmonek, I knew her well.

ALF:
[on the phone] Oh, hello. Is this Mr. Ochmonek I'm speaking to? Oh, jolly good. I'm doing a survey for the BBC and I wonder if you'd like to answer some questions. Super. First off, what would you say is the difference between American and British television? Uh-huh. [Kate goes up to him] Fine. And thank you, Mr. Ochmonek. Question number 2. Did you kill your wife?

Kate:
ALF!

ALF:
Got to go, the queen just dropped by. [hangs up the phone]

Kate:
What were you doing?

ALF:
Just some impressions.

Kate:
You were harassing Trevor.

ALF:
Kate, I saw the man bury his wife in the backyard last night.

Kate:
Look, don't you remember? You were dreaming.

ALF:
No, this WAS REAL. Look, I took these pictures.

Kate:
These are all black.

ALF:
You wanted me to use a flash? The guy's a murderer.

Kate:
ALF, please, please, just give your imagination a rest.

ALF:
Justice never rests.

Kate:
What if I gave justice a cookie?

ALF:
Justice will think about it. [walks off]

Willie:
Alright, everyone. We just got a few minutes now before the last rehearsal. So Brian, why don't you and I run over the song before Spencer gets here?

Brian:
I stink. Spencer says so.

Willie:
What do you care what Spencer says?

Brian:
Because he laughs at me and makes me forget the words. I don't like him. He's mean.

Willie:
Brian, that's not really. That's not fair. I'm sure Spencer has some very fine qualities.

ALF:
That's not what you said last night.

Willie:
Well, maybe an unkind word slipped in here or there.

ALF:
Willie, you said the kid was fungus.

Willie:
I did not. And even if I did, that's not the point.

Lynn:
What was the point?

Willie:
The point is moot. The little fungus is here now.

Kate:
Oh, Lynn.

Lynn:
Right. Come on, ALF.

ALF:
Yeah, I know. 86 the alien.

Lynn:
Let's go to my room. [walks away]

ALF:
What about the salmon?

Kate:
Forget about the salmon.

ALF:
Forgotten. Why would anyone throw away the head?

ALF:
We are pals, aren't we?

Brian:
Yeah.

ALF:
So, what's the problem? It's that Spencer guy, isn't it? Well, let me tell you a little story about a guy who had the same problem you did. A guy named Gordon.

Brian:
Who's he?

ALF:
Someone I grew up with on Melmac. Nice kid. Handsome, intelligent, great athlete, wonderful sense of humor.

Brian:
It was you, wasn't it?

ALF:
How'd you guess? Anyway, I was doing a little dinner-

Brian:
Your name's really Gordon?

ALF:
Yeah, Gordon.

Brian:
That's funny.

ALF:
It's my mother's maiden name, alright?

Brian:
Sorry.

ALF:
Anyway, back on Melmac. I was in a little dinner theater production of Man of La Mancha. I was playing Sancho Panza. It was opening night. There was a full house. I was about to sing my 1st number, when suddenly I froze. I was like this, yeah!

Brian:
Your name is really Gordon?

ALF:
Just go with me on this, okay? I'm up there, I'm frozen, I can't remember my opening number. The audience was getting hostile. They were ready to start throwing bread sticks at me, when the guy who played Don Quixote pulled me aside, and gave me this good luck charm.

Brian:
A tooth?

ALF:
Yeah. His 124 year molar.

Brian:
Did it bring you good luck?

ALF:
You bet. I got through my song, plus The Impossible Dream and every other song in the show. For an encore, I even did a couple of numbers from Gypsy.

Brian:
Yeah, but will it work on asparagus songs?

ALF:
No problem.

Brian:
Don Quixote says the tooth works on vegetables too.

[the car honks]

ALF:
Look, just stick that in your back pocket, and you'll go out there and knock them dead.

Brian:
Great. I will! Thanks, Gordon.

ALF:
Don't worry, kid. You'll be swell. [Brian leaves the house] Oh no! Brian!

ALF:
Kate, quick question.

Kate:
Yeah?

ALF:
Hypothetical situation. An individual places a bet with a professional bookie for a sizeable amount of money, let's say, uh, $6,000. And he loses and he cannot cover his losses. Hypothetically, what could happen to this individual?

Kate:
Well, hypothetically he could have his legs broken, why do you ask?

ALF:
Just making conversation.

Kate:
Well, I'm glad we had this talk. [leaves]

ALF:
[yells] GET UP!

[Brian comes home from school, angry]

ALF:
Hey, B, how was school today?

Brian:
I failed my science project.

ALF:
You should've added Alvin and Dave.

Brian:
I did.

ALF:
And you still failed?

Brian:
That's why I failed. I added them because I believed you, but all my friends laughed at me.

ALF:
They did?

Brian:
My teacher won't let my project be in the science carnival. It's all your fault.

ALF:
My fault?

Brian:
You lied to me. There aren't really 11 planets, are there? [leaves]

ALF:
Yes, there are. Brian, you're teacher's the one that needs an education. Now I'm mad. I'm mad, I'm mad. [dials the phone] Hello, information? Get me Brian's teacher. Oh, wait a minute. No, get me the Franklin Elementary School. Yes, I know it's cheaper to use a directory but I don't have any thumbs. Well, you should be sorry.

[Willie is fixing the TV at home]

ALF:
Where is everybody?

Willie:
They've gone to the movies.

ALF:
Why didn't you go?

Willie:
I'm fixing the TV.

ALF:
Now?

Willie:
Yes. I'm going out a little later, and it's dangerous to leave you alone with nothing to do.

ALF:
Are you referring to that chemical spill?

Willie:
Chemical spill? What chemical spill?

ALF:
Nothing. Willie, how about a game of "Trivial Pursuit"? I promise not to pick any science questions.

Willie:
No, thanks.

ALF:
I think you should leave this for a qualified repairman.

Willie:
Well Mr. Smarty.

ALF:
It's Mr. Science.

Willie:
For your information, I've located the problem: there's no power going into the high-voltage transformer.

ALF:
Hey, you want power?

Willie:
That would help.

ALF:
Your call. [he accidentally electrocutes Willie after pressing the button on the TV] Willie, it was an accident.

Willie:
[angrily after being electrocuted by ALF] AN ACCIDENT? AN ACCIDENT? YOU ALMOST KILLED ME? AND YOU SAY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT?

ALF:
Alright, let's call it a mistake! [doorbell rings] You want to get that, that's probably "Consumer Ed."

Willie:
You called him "Consumer Ed" after I asked you not to?

ALF:
You didn't say not too. You need to be more specific.

Willie:
I hope it is "Consumer Ed", because I'm turning you in to him! Won't that be an interesting story for the 6:00 news!

ALF:
Yeah, I think I left the oven on. [leaves to go to the kitchen]

ALF:
Hold it. I haven't had my dessert.

Lynn:
Oh, gross. What is that?

ALF:
It's a slimeball.

Kate:
ALF!

ALF:
I know what you're going to say. I shouldn't bring treats to the table unless I have enough for everyone. Well we're in luck.

Willie:
No, we're not.

ALF:
You're sure? There's a surprise in the centre.

Kate:
Alf, where did you get those?

ALF:
Melmac. I usually buy wild cherry, but all they had left was slug.

Lynn:
Oh

Kate:
ALF.

Brian:
What's the surprise in the centre?

ALF:
I'll give you a hint. In wild cherry, it was a cherry.

Willie:
We'll pass.

ALF:
Okay, more for me. You know, it's a lucky thing I found these when I was cleaning out my spaceship. A couple of more months and they would have gone bad.

Lynn:
Oh, no!

ALF:
Oh, they're not that stale.

Lynn:
No, look, it's a roach!

ALF:
Roach? Well, I think someone's been slacking off on her housekeeping.

Lynn:
Where'd the roach go?

Willie:
It ran under the bag.

Kate:
Somebody step on it.

Brian:
There it goes. Look, it has blue eyes.

ALF:
Of course it does. It's a roach. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "her eyes were as blue as a roach's"?

Kate:
Would somebody just squash it!

Willie:
Wait a minute, Kate. This thing came all the way from Melmac. It's a unique specimen.

Kate:
We already have a unique specimen from Melmac.

ALF:
You're comparing me to a cockroach?

Kate:
I'm going to get the spray.

ALF:
Answer me!

Brian:
But, mom, wait. I want to take it to show and tell.

Kate:
It will be just as interesting dead.

Willie:
No, no, here's what we should do. We should catch it. I'll build a little box. We'll put a piece of doughnut right in the middle. Then you guys make sure ALF doesn't get the doughnut before the roach does. Then I'll-[Kate sprays the roach with insecticide]

Lynn:
Never mind the box.

ALF:
You mentioned something about a doughnut?

Lynn:
ALF, we are trying to figure out what to do with the roach.

ALF:
Why? It's gone.

Willie:
What?

Lynn:
Look, it's not there anymore.

Kate:
Where did it go?

Brian:
Maybe you didn't spray it enough.

Kate:
I used half a can.

ALF:
I'll be right back.

Lynn:
Where are you going?

ALF:
I'm going to call a doughnut place that delivers.

Kate:
Come on everybody. We are going to find that roach.

Willie:
Kate, calm down.

Kate:
Calm down? There is a space-roach loose in our house.

Lynn:
Well maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity.

ALF:
Psst. Willie.

Willie:
Yeah, all right, Alf, you can order the doughnuts.

ALF:
I already did. But that's not why I said, "psst."

Willie:
Why did you say, "psst"?

ALF:
Just come out here.

Willie:
What is all this secrecy about?

ALF:
I didn't want to upset Kate.

Willie:
What is it that would upset Kate?

ALF:
I believe a foot-long cockroach would upset Kate. [he points] Ol' blue eyes is back. [he screeches]

Trevor:
Yo, Tanner. You in there?

Willie:
ALF, under the counter.

ALF:
It's crawling with spiders back there!

Willie:
Go!

ALF:
Well, can I at least take something to read? Steve Allen's World of Bugs. Great, I've already read it. [he ducks down behind the counter]

Trevor:
Hi Tanner.

Willie:
Hi Trevor.

Trevor:
I saw the exterminator leave your house in such a hurry, he dropped his tank. Bugs?

Willie:
Oh, yeah, we have a little cockroach problem.

Trevor:
Ah, yeah, cockroaches. Blattella Germanica, our little prehistoric friend. You know, cockroach fossils have been found that are over three hundred million years old.

Willie:
That's nice, Trevor.

Trevor:
I'll never forget the cockroach problem we had back in Korea. They were everywhere. Taking a step was like walking on crackers. You get enough of that in your system, forget it. They showed us a movie about it. David Niven was brilliant. Well, I'll see ya. Oh, by the way, I took the liberty of spraying around your house.

Willie:
You, what?

Trevor:
Yeah. I noticed the exterminator forgot to do it, so I dosed it up for you. Real good. No charge.

Willie:
Oh, no! [he rushes from the garage]

Trevor:
I said, no charge.

ALF:
Alright, I should take it easy. I mean, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Whoever said that must have had a lot of bodyguards. [the cockroach makes some skittering sounds] Be strong, be strong. [two huge feelers pass the kitchen serving window] Be afraid, be very afraid. Listen, you don't want to eat me. I'm pure gristle. My whole family has an aftertaste. If you can hold out, there's doughnuts on the way. [a crashing sound comes from the kitchen] Good idea, put some coffee on. [a feeler and leg appear through the kitchen door and ALF screams as he runs to Willie and Kate's room closing the door behind him] Oh, I should have guessed. It probably likes gristle. Now I feel like a tease. [ALF heads for the phone] Hello, operator? This is an emergency! Give me the fire department or the police or the paramedics. Somebody. I don't care, you decide. Hello? Fire department? Well, I need you to come out here. There's a giant cockroach trying to kill me! Alright then. I'm a cat and I'm stuck in a tree. Whatever it takes. [Willie and Kate's room door crashes down] Operator, make it the paramedics! [ALF screams and runs into the bathroom closing the door behind him] Whoever builds the doors on this planet ought to be horsewhipped. [the roach bashes on the door] Occupied! Alright, the party's over. I've got a .357 and I know how to use it. [ALF studies the toilet] No one's ever told me where these things lead. Nah! [a leg begins to break through the door] Oh, you want to use the bathroom. Is that it? Hey, hey, I know the feeling. [the roach crashes through the door and approaches ALF] You're angry at the world. I understand that. You probably didn't get enough love as a larva. Uh, I've got an idea. We could sit down, talk, have a nice cold glass of boric acid. You know, we could deal with it. What do you think about that? [ALF picks up a drain plunger in defence] Ever see one of these, huh? Take that! [the end of the plunger disappears] I was only kidding. Joke, joke. Yeah. You know what? I've got the number of a good psychiatrist friend of mine. He deals with psychopathic ants and roaches! [ALF picks up a perfume bottle] Here, take this! Now you'll smell good, too. [ALF sprays the roach]

Lynn:
Well here's your cappuccino.

ALF:
Where's the grated cheese?

Brian:
I'll get it.

ALF:
[while seeing Willie and Kate come home with groceries] Willie, Kate, I have something to tell you. This time the old ALFers really want something.

Willie:
What now? 11 records for a penny?

ALF:
No, this time the ALFer's one stuff for everybody. Pony rides for Bryan. Tennis lessons for Lynn. Dinner and dancing for you two and best of all for the old ALFer a toaster. I guess you didn't hear me. A TOASTER!

Lynn:
We heard you.

ALF:
Did I mention that the toaster talks.

Kate:
Oh, ALF, this is just a real estate promotion a free toaster for listening to a sales pitch about to vacation homes.

Brian:
You mean no pony rides.

Willie:
There may be a pony ride, but there's also a 7-hour car ride to get to this place. I'm not driving 7 hours. Sorry, ALF.

Brian:
Alfer.

Willie:
Alfer.

[the doorbell rings]

ALF:
They lied to a child?

[the Tanners arrive at their hotel room]

Kate:
Willie, this place is really nice. I'm kind of surprised.

Willie:
Me, too. The hotel is great. I keep looking for the catch.

Bill:
[comes in the room] Hello, you must be the Tanners, I'm Bill Lowman, sales manager for Rancho Estates.

Willie:
I was expecting you.

Bill:
No, no, Mr. Tanner. You were expecting the hard sell. And there is no need to worry about that.

Willie:
Good.

Bill:
Because after you see this slideshow, you will be begging me to sell you a home. [opens the cabinet and plays the video on TV]

Willie:
Would it be okay if we look at this later?

Bill:
Uh, when later?

Willie:
Much later.

Bill:
Oh, absolutely. No problem. You know you folks should first enjoy some tennis some swimming and some fishing. And if you need me, I'll be following you in a golf cart. [he leaves]

Willie:
You know, we expected a sales pitch. That's no reason why we still can't enjoy ourselves. [opens the door and gets shocked when he sees ALF] ALF!

ALF:
Buenos dias!

[the Tanner family gets very shocked of seeing ALF being in the trip]

[the Tanners and the Ochmoneks are in the plane going home thanks to ALF for kicking them out of the hotel]

Trevor:
I tell you Tanner, I thought only rockstars got kicked out of hotels.

Willie:
Yeah, I can't imagine what causes that toast to the short circuit. But I'm gonna find out.

Trevor:
Sure stunk up the place. Smelt the burnt fish all the way to the lobby. By the way, how's that smell back in the cargo section?

Kate:
I for one miss the pigs.

Trevor:
I'm sorry I meant the host down to Jackals. Hey Raquel, I feel a little woozy. Get me a broom will ya?

Raquel:
I warned you about that shellfish Trevor.

Trevor:
Just get it, alright?

Raquel:
I'll get it in a second! I have to put oil on my shoulders that hotel ought to warn their guests about the sun. [she head to the bathroom]

Willie:
[sits down next to Kate] Quite possibly the worst weekend of our entire lives.

ALF:
[pops up] You haven't stopped complaining since I burned down that room!

Willie:
You, back with the jackals.

ALF:
They're hyenas. And I don't like them.

Willie:
They're jackals.

ALF:
But why are they laughing at? [he hides away]

Trevor:
Lieutenant McIntosh? Give me the coordinates. We're almost over enemy territory.

Willie:
What enemy territory?

Trevor:
What enemy territory? What do you think that is the Mississippi River? Those are the bridges at Toko-ri.

Willie:
Trevor. Snap out of it, Trevor, the war's over! the trip of the war is over

Trevor:
Boy, I did overdo the shellfish.

Kate:
Willie? Willie, what's wrong?

Willie:
I'm not sure. Trevor, how serious is this allergy?

Trevor:
It's nothing. Listen, would you switch on the autopilot?

Willie:
Where is it?

Trevor:
It's right down there. Thanks. [he gets up] I'm gonna get up move around a little stretch for a minute so I don't pass out. [he passes out when he develops an allergic reaction with shellfish and starts acting loopy]

Kate:
Trevor! Trevor! Trevor, say something!

Trevor:
[acting loopy] Oh good, the USO.

Brian:
Is he okay?

Lynn:
Oh my gosh, what are we gonna do? Who's gonna fly the plane?

Brian:
Dad, you fly it.

Willie:
Now, relax everybody. NOBODY is gonna fly this plane!

Lynn:
Uh, dad. [points down]

ALF:
[comes out] I'll fly it!

Willie:
You!

ALF:
We have an emergency! I'm the logical choice. Oh, by the way, you were right. They're not hyenas but they are laughing!

Brian:
ALF can fly a plane?

Willie:
Oh, he can't even work the toaster.

Kate:
Well, he did fly a spaceship.

ALF:
Yeah, how different can it be? What does this do? [he speeds up the plane that makes it go faster] I see.

Raquel:
[offscreen] TREVOR! STOP FOOLING AROUND!

Kate:
Oh my gosh! Raquel!

Raquel:
This door is stuck, somebody help me!

Kate:
Oh, oh, oh, she'll see ALF. Help me block the door. Help is on the way, Raquel! Brian, sit down fasten your seat belt.

Raquel:
WHAT'S BLOCKING THE DOOR?

Lynn:
[while blocking the door] A hyena.

Kate:
Well, did you figure it out? Can you fly it?

ALF:
[while flying a plane] I think so! I need to see an owner's manual!

Willie:
There's not an owner's manual!

ALF:
Then, I can't fly it!

Willie:
The laws of aerodynamics are the same everywhere in the universe

ALF:
Yeah, that's right. What are they?

Willie:
We're heading straight for that mountain! ALF! ALF! Do something! Quick!

ALF:
Alright, alright! Easy, easy. Up, up, up, and over! Yeah! This flying's a piece of cake!

Kate:
Oh, a piece of cake? That was a piece of luck.

ALF:
Luck! [laughs] Check this out! [he makes a turn as Willie and Kate turn down]