ALF, Season 1

ALF:
Alright, I should take it easy. I mean, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Whoever said that must have had a lot of bodyguards. [the cockroach makes some skittering sounds] Be strong, be strong. [two huge feelers pass the kitchen serving window] Be afraid, be very afraid. Listen, you don't want to eat me. I'm pure gristle. My whole family has an aftertaste. If you can hold out, there's doughnuts on the way. [a crashing sound comes from the kitchen] Good idea, put some coffee on. [a feeler and leg appear through the kitchen door and ALF screams as he runs to Willie and Kate's room closing the door behind him] Oh, I should have guessed. It probably likes gristle. Now I feel like a tease. [ALF heads for the phone] Hello, operator? This is an emergency! Give me the fire department or the police or the paramedics. Somebody. I don't care, you decide. Hello? Fire department? Well, I need you to come out here. There's a giant cockroach trying to kill me! Alright then. I'm a cat and I'm stuck in a tree. Whatever it takes. [Willie and Kate's room door crashes down] Operator, make it the paramedics! [ALF screams and runs into the bathroom closing the door behind him] Whoever builds the doors on this planet ought to be horsewhipped. [the roach bashes on the door] Occupied! Alright, the party's over. I've got a .357 and I know how to use it. [ALF studies the toilet] No one's ever told me where these things lead. Nah! [a leg begins to break through the door] Oh, you want to use the bathroom. Is that it? Hey, hey, I know the feeling. [the roach crashes through the door and approaches ALF] You're angry at the world. I understand that. You probably didn't get enough love as a larva. Uh, I've got an idea. We could sit down, talk, have a nice cold glass of boric acid. You know, we could deal with it. What do you think about that? [ALF picks up a drain plunger in defence] Ever see one of these, huh? Take that! [the end of the plunger disappears] I was only kidding. Joke, joke. Yeah. You know what? I've got the number of a good psychiatrist friend of mine. He deals with psychopathic ants and roaches! [ALF picks up a perfume bottle] Here, take this! Now you'll smell good, too. [ALF sprays the roach]