ALF, Season 2

Paul:
Can't you pack any faster?

ALF:
Not one handed. Why do we have to run away?

Paul:
Because this place is a suburban Sing Sing.

Brian:
[comes in] Hey, ALF. Whatcha doing?

ALF:
I'm running away from home.

Paul:
Oh, great. Tell the whole world.

Brian:
Why are you running away?

Paul:
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! [laughs evily]

Brian:
[angrily] I'M GONNA TELL DAD! [he leaves the garage] DAD!

ALF:
Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!

Paul:
Shut up and keep packing.

ALF:
Well, what if I don't wanna go? What if someone sees me?

Paul:
I'll tell 'em you're my pet sloth, which isn't too far from the truth.

ALF:
I don't know why I stay friends with you.

Paul:
Because I'm your alter ego.

ALF:
You're my what?

Paul:
I tell you what to do. Now, grab that radio over there. We'll hock it.

ALF:
I can't take that. It's Willie's!

[Willie and Kate come in the garage]

Willie:
You're not taking anything. And I think it's time I took that dummy away from you.

ALF:
No! No!

Paul:
Yeah. Back off or you'll be sucking splinters.

Kate:
ALF, Paul is only a toy. How about if we replace him with a Papa Smurf?

Paul:
Why don't we replace the two of you with Ozzie and Harriet? At least Harriet could cook.

Kate:
That's it, mister! You are kindling!

ALF:
No, no! Don't take Paul away from me. He'll die!

Willie:
ALF, why don't you and Paul just go in the house? We're not gonna bother you anymore. I promise.

ALF:
See how nice they are? Thank you. That's very kind of-

Paul:
Come on! Come on! I'll teach you how to smoke. [he and ALF leave the garage]

ALF:
But I don't wanna smoke.

Paul:
It's good for ya.

ALF:
Really?

Paul:
Oh, yeah.

Kate:
Willie, what? What did you do that for?

Willie:
Don't worry. I'm getting psychiatric help.

Kate:
Good for you, honey. But what about ALF?

Willie:
That's what I meant. I'm calling Larry. He helped ALF last year. He didn't even send us a bill.

Kate:
You get what you pay for.