ALF, Season 2

ALF:
Hey, I saw one of these guys on TV, he was hillarious!

ALF:
I think I'll call him Paul.

Lynn:
Paul? That's not a goofy name.

Brian:
Hey, ALF. What are you doing?

ALF:
I'm running away from home.

Paul:
Oh, great. Tell the whole world.

Brian:
Why are you running away?

Paul:
None of your business! [laughs]

Brian:
I'm gonna tell Dad! [he runs away tattling to Willie]

ALF:
Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!

Paul:
Shut up and keep tacking.

Paul:
Give me some nuts.

ALF:
But I don't want any nuts.

Paul:
I do! [ALF gives him some nuts; he crushes them with his head]

ALF:
Paul, you said you were my friend.

Paul:
I lied.

ALF:
Say "goodbye", dummy!

Paul:
Goodbye, dummy! [ALF throws him on the floor]

[ALF is showing Brian how to play Skleenball]

ALF:
The game of Skleenball is very simple, Brian. You just sling your anchovies into your opponent's laundry basket. Aw, missed!

Brian:
Do we get to eat the anchovies after the game?

ALF:
No! Does Marvin Haggler eat his trunks after a fight?

Kate:
[comes in] Okay, who dumped my clean laundry on the floor?

ALF:
Brian.

Brian:
Well, ALF told me to and then we can play skleenball.

ALF:
It's not nice to rat on your friends.

Kate:
What's skleenball?

ALF A picture's worth a thousand words.

[the picture frame falls down]

Kate:
That picture was worth a thousand dollars.

ALF:
Well, maybe the frame makes it look cheap.

Kate:
[picks up the ripped picture frame] I am tired of your breaking things. If this happens once more, you will be living in the garage.

ALF:
From now on, I'll treat this house as if it were my own.

Kate:
Treat it as if it were my house, and don't break anything! [goes inside the kitchen with the ripped picture frame] Cheap frame! [feels the ripped piece from the picture frame] I guess it can be repaired.

ALF:
[voiceover] Heads up! [he rips another piece on the picture frame and Kate looks at ALF] Oops.

[Kate turns on the lights and finds out that the living room is empty]

Kate:
Willie! Willie!

Willie:
Our furniture!

Kate:
We've been robbed!

Willie:
Wishful thinking.

[Willie and Kate come to the garage and find out that ALF took most of the furniture from the house as Willie turns off the radio that ALF is listening to]

ALF:
Oh, hi. Oh a housewarming gift, how nice. [he takes the pillow but Willie takes it away from him]

Kate:
Who told you could bring this furniture out here?

ALF:
Willie.

Willie:
I did not!

ALF:
You said I could bring something from the house.

Willie:
I said something. Not everything! In all fairness, you did not make that point clear.

Kate:
He did bring everything.

ALF:
Well, I didn't take that hideous Statue of Liberty clock.

Kate:
That clock was a gift from my mother.

ALF:
Did I say hideous? I meant lovely. As lovely as your mother. [microwave dings] That must be the microwave. Brisket anyone?

Kate:
FORGET THE BRISKET! ALF, I want you to take everything back into the house tonight. And I emphasize the word everything!

Willie:
And I emphasize the word TONIGHT!

Kate:
And if you don't, you will be living out here permanently!

ALF:
I noticed you emphasized the word permanently. Wait, don't go! Please can we sit down and talk this out just give me 1 minute.

Kate:
Alright, fine. Yes, you have 1 minute.

ALF:
Thank you. Hey Willie, don't sit there, that's my chair.

Willie:
That was my chair on the house.

ALF:
Well, we're not in the house.

Kate:
40 seconds.

ALF:
Well that's not fair! Willie talk to penalize him.

Kate:
35.

ALF:
What are you mission control?

Kate:
30.

ALF:
30 seconds, I just had a minute half a minute ago.

Kate:
Forget the minute! Just say what you have to say!

ALF:
Uh, uh. No! No! I need human companionship! I don't know how I ever got along without it, but now I'm hooked. I'm a people junkie. Please don't go.

Willie:
Oh, you go ahead Kate. I'll sit on here with him for a while.

Kate:
Willie, what are you doing?

Willie:
It seems like he really misses us.

ALF:
I do, I do, I do.

Kate:
Willie, he's got our furniture, and our brisket now he's after us!

Willie:
Oh, you're right, of course. You're right. You're staying in the garage without us, and without our brisket!

Kate:
Good night, ALF.

ALF:
Kate, wait please! Give me another chance I know I could change just let me move back inside for 1 week and I'll prove it to you. I'll be on my best behavior!

Kate:
What if during this week you don't change?

ALF:
Then, Willie and I will move out here for good.

Kate:
Alright you've got a deal.

Willie:
Kate! I don't want to move out here.

Kate:
Oh, I did mean that was part of- The deal is you stay in the house for 1 week, but if you mess up, you're history.

ALF:
Hey, no problem! [the flower vase breaks] The week hasn't started yet, right?

Trevor:
Hi Tanner, who painted your fence? It looks great!

Willie:
I don't what you're talking about. [walks over to the window] Wow! That looks great.

Trevor:
So who painted it?

Willie:
Uhhh.

Lynn:
Happy birthday, Dad.

Trevor:
Oh, it's your birthday present. I hope I didn't ruin the surprise.

Willie:
No, I was going to look out the window soon, anyway.

Trevor:
So, how old are you?

Willie:
I'll be 45 in August.

Trevor:
That's 6 months away. It ain't your birthday. You just had your fence painted to keep up with the Ochmonek's. Well I'm not gonna tell you where I brought my fluorescent flamingos.

Willie:
We blew it.

Trevor:
Hey, Kate, great looking breakfast.

Brian:
Mom didn't make it.

Trevor:
Who did?

Brian:
Our manservant.

Trevor:
You got a manservant?

Willie:
Just for the week.

Trevor:
Do me a favor. Don't mention it to Raquel.

Kate:
You have our word.

Trevor:
Thanks, she went ape when she found out you had a vacuum cleaner. Hey, listen. Have jeeves, give me a jingle. I might want him to paint my flamingos. [he gets a banana and leaves the house]

Willie:
Will do.

ALF:
[as he is preparing the table] 6:13, 1 minute to go Luck Meister. Then, I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon. The duck a l'Orange is ready. Have some wine, it'll slow down your reflexes. [while staring at the burned turkey in the oven] Zut alors, the gas is on. I forgot to light the oven. Oh well, better late than never. [Lucky jumps off the window counter as ALF flies off to the living room when he blows up the kitchen, then ALF is sitting on the floor after the explosion] Well, I guess we'll have to order in.

Kate:
[comes in the kitchen] Willie, there's something wrong with the bathtub.

Willie:
It's probably clogged with ALF's hair again. He refuses to vacuum himself before he takes a bath.

Kate:
No, it's the faucet. There's no water coming out.

Willie:
There's no water here either.

ALF:
[outside] Hey, could you turn that off? I'm losing pressure out here.

Willie:
Say, what exactly are you doing out there?

ALF:
It's a surprise.

Willie:
He said surprise.

Kate:
The dreaded "s" word.

Willie:
ALF, what are you?

ALF:
Watch out Willie, it's a little slippery.

Willie:
[from outside] Whoa! [falls into the lagoon]

ALF:
Surprise! Well, what do you think?

Kate:
I don't believe it!

ALF:
Willie's swimming in the lagoon I built. It's just like the one on Gilligan's Island. From now on, life around here will be much more exciting. [Willie screams] See, it's exciting already.

Willie:
How would you like to be buried at sea?

ALF:
You're not happy about this, are you?

Kate:
Just tell us why you did it.

ALF:
It was Willie's idea.

Willie:
What?

ALF:
Don't try to worm your way out of this one. You said we'd build a lagoon.

Willie:
I said we'd build a little lagoon, not the Great Tanner Reef!

ALF:
Okay, I misunderstood. I'm sorry. I made a boo-boo.

Willie:
A boo-boo? [pause] I want my yard back the way it was. I want trees I can trim. I want grass I can mow. [angrily] NO WATER, NO HUT! AND YOU ARE GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE UNTIL I GET IT! Have I made myself clear?

ALF:
What? Are you talking to me?

ALF:
[wakes up and discovers he's on Gilligan's Island] I must have slept through the night. Hey, where's my shovel? Where's my house?

Gilligan:
Skipper, Skipper, can I fish too?

ALF:
It's Gilligan, the Skipper, too.

Skipper:
Shhhh! Gilligan, you scare the fish. Owww!

Gilligan:
Shhhh! You scare the fish.

ALF:
I'm here on Gilligan's isle!

ALF:
Gilligan's Island. I'm in rerun heaven.

Gilligan:
Bet I catch a big one.

Skipper:
[hat flies off] Gilligan!

Gilligan:
Skipper, what happened to your hat?

Skipper:
You're using it for bait.

[ALF gasps]

Gilligan:
I'll get it back to you, Skipper, don't worry. [puts on Skipper's hat for him and water comes out]

Skipper:
Gilligan! You idiot!

ALF:
[laughs] You guys are hilarious. Encore, encore, ya!

Skipper:
Who are you?

ALF:
I'm ALF, your biggest fan. I worship the sand you walk on. [walks off]

Skipper:
Where did you come from?

ALF:
Melmac.

Gilligan:
Melmac, is that anywhere near Bora Bora?

ALF:
Ha! You guys never stop. Hey, where are the others?

Skipper:
What others?

ALF:
You know.

Skipper:
Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?

Gilligan:
Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?

Skipper:
I just said that, Gilligan.

Gilligan:
I thought it sounded familiar. [hat thump]

ALF:
[laughs] Oh I never get tired of that. [laughs]

Gilligan:
I get tired of it.

Mary Ann:
[arrives] Gilligan! Skipper! Oh, lunch is ready. I see we have another visitor.

ALF:
It's Mary Ann. And lunch. 2 of my favorite things.

Gilligan:
Mary Ann this is ALF. He's from Melmac.

Mary Ann:
How come everybody can get to this island and none of us can ever get off?

Gilligan:
Really? I must have overlooked the pattern. [gets hit by Skipper's hat]

[ALF laughs]

Skipper:
Let's eat. Come on, ALF!

ALF:
Lunch with the castaways! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Skipper:
Don't you have some dirt to shovel?

ALF:
I can shovel dirt back home.

Mary Ann:
You are home.

Gilligan:
You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.

Professor:
Forever.

ALF:
I don't want to be a castaway. I thought this place would be fun. Now I realize, it's only fun in half hour chunks.

Willie:
[on TV] But you wanted to be on Gilligan's Island. That's where the fun never stops. Remember? Remember? Remember?

ALF:
I was wrong. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. [his dreams ends as he begins to wake up while Willie walks up to him] Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home.

Willie:
ALF. Wake up. Hey.

ALF:
Oh, Willie! You came all the way out here to rescue me!

Willie:
It wasn't really all that far, ALF. I was just in the kitchen.

ALF:
Ooh. Well listen, I was wrong. Adventure isn't on some unchartered desert isle. It's right here in your own backyard. What's left of it?

Willie:
That's good to hear, ALF. I'll see you later.

ALF:
Well, don't I get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle I just oozed?

Willie:
As treacle goes, it's pretty sweet. Too bad it didn't fill up the hole. Get to work.

ALF:
I hate this place.

ALF:
Oh, howdy, Raquel.

[Raquel screams which causes ALF to close the door, a few seconds later, ALF and Raquel look at each other and scream together]

ALF:
[running inside the house and hides in the closet] Red alert! Red alert! Alien coming through!

Lynn:
What was ALF running for?

ALF:
[inside the closet] Occupied!

Kate:
Oh, I'm sorry.

Willie:
ALF knows that's not a bathroom, doesn't he?

Kate:
I hope so.

Willie:
ALF. ALF! Say, ALF, what's going on?

[doorbell rings]

ALF:
[inside the closet] Get the front door, Willie. It may be self evident.

Raquel:
Kate, Willie! It was horrifying, simply horrifying! It had a long and two big.

Trevor:
Raquel, please don't do this. She's imagining things.

Raquel:
I'm not imaging things! There's a monster loose in the neighborhood.

Lynn:
A monster?

Willie:
Are you going to form an angry mob?

Raquel:
I saw it in your backyard. I could swear I've seen it once before.

Lynn:
What did this monster look like?

Raquel:
Uh, like bigfoot. Only little. It ran behind your garage. It might still be there.

Kate:
Maybe we should go have a look.

Raquel:
Good! But you go first.

Kate:
Raquel, I'm sure there's nothing out there.

Raquel:
Fine! You just tell that to it!

Willie:
Will you tell it that I would like to speak to him.

[Lynn opens the door]

ALF:
Bigfoot? She's one to talk. I could shoot the rapids in one of her gunboats.

Willie:
Could you stop pacing, please?

ALF:
Hey, I pace when I'm bored. I've been under house arrest for over a month.

Willie:
It's been 2 days ALF.

ALF:
Really? Then why did I carve 30 notches on the banister?

Willie:
Because you're a vandal.

Kate:
[while putting on a costume on Brian for a school play] Hold still, Bri. I don't wanna stick you.

ALF:
You look great, B. Sort of like the Pope's son.

Brian:
I'm in a play at school. I'm Friar Tuck. One of Robin Hood's merry men.

ALF:
No kidding. We had a Robin Hood on Melmac.

Brian:
Did he take from the rich and give to the poor?

ALF:
No, he just robbed the hoods off people's cars.

Kate:
Honey, please. ALF, would you leave us alone?

ALF:
Fine. I'll go bother Lynn. What's all this stuff?

Lynn:
It's a project for my sociology class. I'm putting together our family tree.

ALF:
Who chopped it down? Was it me, again?

Lynn:
ALF, why don't you make a family tree?

ALF:
Yeah, it's a fun way to remember your ancestors.

Lynn:
Well, I don't remember much.

ALF:
My father was always breaking things, and my mother sat around eating all day.

Kate:
It's amazing you turned out so well.

ALF:
Thanks. But sometimes I do blow my nose on the wrong towel. [Kate and Lynn stare at ALF] What?

ALF:
Is it me, or are those guys a bunch of stiffs? [puts his hood down] Look Willie, I'm a convertible.

Willie:
ALF, just face it. You're just not monk material.

ALF:
Well yes I am. I came with all the qualifications. Sloth, Greed, Gluttony.

Willie:
Those are the Seven Deadly Sins.

ALF:
I thought the Seven Deadly Sins were those guys from Snow White.

Willie:
Those are the Seven Dwarfs.

ALF:
We prefer to call them little people.

Willie:
Come on home, ALF.

ALF:
We miss you. Nobody cares about your past.

Willie:
Well, gee, I don't know. Tonight's my turn to bang the dinner gong.

ALF:
ALF.

Willie:
Okay, you got a deal. You came all this way to get me. If you want me back so badly. You deserve me.

ALF:
Oh, thanks, ALF.

Willie:
Well, just give me a second to say goodbye to the bros, okay? Yo, I'm leaving!

[the monks cheer]

[Willie comes in the kitchen and turns off the TV ALF is watching]

ALF:
Hey! I wanted to watch Crazy Steve tear a drumstick off that tarantula.

Willie:
It's 3:00 in the morning, ALF.

ALF:
What's time to a spider, Willie?

Willie:
Why is the TV in here?

ALF:
Because I couldn't move the refrigerator out there.

Willie:
Don't touch that dial.

ALF:
I love when you're assertive.

Willie:
Go. Sleep. Now.

ALF:
Can I just ask one bedtime question?

Willie:
Yeah, what?

ALF:
I saw Polka Jamboree tonight. It's really funny. Why does it get such crummy ratings?

Willie:
For one thing, it's not supposed to be funny.

ALF:
What's the other thing?

Willie:
Nobody watches it.

ALF:
Next question.

Willie:
I thought there was gonna be 1 question here.

ALF:
This is the bonus round. What happens to a show when it's ratings are bad?

Willie:
It gets cancelled.

ALF:
[gasps] You mean Polka Jamboree could be cancelled?

Willie:
We can only hope. Good night, ALF.

ALF:
Wait, wait. If more people watched Polka Jamboree, the rating would go up right?

Willie:
Yes, but that would take a miracle.

ALF:
Well miracle, huh? Well just call me the miracle worker.

ALF:
Willie, can I have an accordion?

Willie:
No.

Kate:
Is this a pirate, or is this a pirate? Lynn?

Lynn:
It's a pirate, mom.

Kate:
Willie?

Willie:
Definitely a pirate.

ALF:
[comes in wearing a costume] Good morning.

Willie:
What are you wearing?

ALF:
A touch of your aftershave.

Willie:
I meant those silly glasses.

ALF:
Silly glasses? Look who's talking. This is my Halloween costume.

Willie:
What are you supposed to be?

ALF:
Gene shalit. Too obscure?

Kate:
You're not planning on trick-or-treating, are you?

ALF:
Are you kidding? I can't wait. I'm coming back with a bag full of candy apples, popcorn balls, and cats.

Lynn:
ALF, no one's going to give you a cat.

ALF:
That's right. You have to bob for cats.

ALF:
Hey, you look good in Vinyl. How are you doing? Nice to meet you. Happy Halloween everybody!

Everyone:
Happy Halloween!

Willie:
Say, what are you doing here?

ALF:
Greeting the guests. Hey, Tex! Looks like you're putting on weight there. [laughs]

Willie:
Could I speak with you in the kitchen just for a moment?

ALF:
Hey, not now Willie. Your pumpkin's on fire. Ha! His pumpkin is on fire!

Willie:
Come here!

Bernice:
Well, who is little this guy?

Willie:
This is Gordon, everyone. Gordon's an old friend of our family. Bernice, don't mention his height. He's very sensitive.

ALF:
Hey, cowgirl. Nice calves. Ha! Nice calves! [Willie takes him to the kitchen]

Willie:
Okay, mister. I want the truth! And I want it now!

ALF:
All right. Your hair is thinning.

Willie:
You got a hold of our guest list, didn't you. You called people and told them to wear costumes just so you could come.

ALF:
You dragged me in here to tell me things I already know?

Willie:
On top of that, you invited the Burkes.

ALF:
Again, old news.

Willie:
Just tell me why.

ALF:
Because I really want you to get that promotion. Now get out there and start kissing up.

Willie:
I'm not kissing up to anyone, especially not Walter Burke.

ALF:
I know you wouldn't. That's why I'm here to do it for you. Oh Wollie!

Willie:
No wait, wait. You can't go out there. What if they discover that you're an alien?

ALF:
They won't. They'll think I'm wearing a costume, see?

Willie:
Where did you get that zipper?

ALF:
Well, you know your old jacket that you were gonna throw out?

Willie:
Yeah.

ALF:
Better hang on to it. I ripped this out of your new raincoat.

Willie:
Alright, go on and go out there. I don't care. Go on, fine with me. Blow your cover, that's fine! Just do me one favor.

ALF:
Ok, ok. I'll do my Elvis impression.

Willie:
Please keep away from my boss.

ALF:
No problem, he seems like a yuts anyway. Ok, everybody! Let's tear this place apart!

[ALF is watching a beauty pageant on TV]

Willie:
What are you watching?

ALF:
I think it's a United Nations meeting.

Willie:
That's not the United Nations. It's a beauty pageant.

ALF:
Are you sure? A minute ago, they just asked the ambassador from Spain what she would do for world peace.

Willie:
She's not the ambassador. She's a contestant.

ALF:
Oh. Well that explains why the Swedish ambassador was juggling.

Kate:
[comes in the kitchen] Hi, ALF.

ALF:
Hi. Hey, Kate. Do you think I'm good looking?

Kate:
Yeah, sure.

ALF:
Well, if you were my age would you go out with me?

Kate:
Well, if we your age and if I weren't married and if we were the same species, I guess so.

ALF:
Yeah? Where would we go?

Kate:
I don't know, how about a Rocky film?

ALF:
Nah, he hasn't been funny since he broke up with Bullwinkle. What else you got?

Kate:
That was it, ALF.

ALF:
It doesn't sound like you put much thought into this date.

Kate:
That's because I haven't.

ALF:
Well, fine! Why don't we just forget the whole thing, okay?

Kate:
Fine with me.

ALF:
Fine. Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. People would have just stared. [stares at himself with a mirror]

ALF:
Hey, good water, Kate. Pick up some more of these tomorrow.

Kate:
That water was for the wedding guests.

ALF:
I only drank three of these I was trying to get rid of my hiccups.

Willie:
What hiccups?

ALF:
[hiccup] Those hiccups.

Kate:
That is the strangest hiccup I've ever heard.

ALF:
Well, here's another one.[hiccups]

Lynn:
Oh, no!

ALF:
Oh, [hiccups] yes. You're the first humans who've ever heard the dreaded "Melmacian" hiccups.

Willie:
What is it that makes them so dreaded, besides that irritating metallic echo?

ALF:
That irritating metallic echo gets louder and louder, day by day, week by week, year by, [hiccup] year.

Kate:
How many years are we talking about?

ALF:
I'm not sure. [hiccup] My uncle Tinkle had them for 50 years.

Kate:
Tinkle?

ALF:
Good idea.

[Willie and Kate come inside the garage]

Willie:
Hi, ALF, how's it going? [ALF hiccups] About the same, huh?

Kate:
What are you looking for?

ALF:
My Melmacian Medical Encyclopedia. I might have a cure for the hiccups. Here. Hold this Willie. [he gives Willie his nuclear waste from his spaceship]

Willie:
What is it?

ALF:
It's just nuclear waste from my spaceship. Oh hey, don't worry. Life here will exist as long as the lid doesn't pop off. [short pause] Oh, wait. These are my crayons.

Kate:
What does this encyclopedia look like?

ALF:
I don't remember. I only used it once.

Willie:
Could this be it?

ALF:
Oh yeah, that's it. The furry home companion.

Kate:
Isn't it thin for an encyclopedia?

ALF:
Our bodies aren't that complicated. [hiccup] We have 10 major organs. 8 of which are stomachs.

Willie:
I would have guessed all 10.

ALF:
[reading from the book] Let's see. Stomach aches, Stomach flu, stomach transplants. Here we are. Hiccups. Hey! All I have to do, is drink a glass of cat juice. No problem.

Kate:
Cat juice?

Willie:
What is Cat juice?

ALF:
Well, it's kind of like orange juice, but instead of juicing an orange you squeeze juice a-

Willie:
I don't want to hear it.

ALF:
Then cover your ears. [Willie covers his ears] Cat!

Willie:
I heard it.

ALF:
You were warned. [hiccup]

Kate:
There's got to be another cure.

ALF:
There is, but you don't want to hear it. It's disgusting.

ALF:
Hey, Kate, guess what I am?

Kate:
Is it something that begins with "couch", and ends with "potato"?

ALF:
Cheap shot, Kate-man-du. I'm a type T personality.

Kate:
Okay ALF, what is a type T personality?

ALF:
According to this article, a type T is a thrill-seeker. Someone who looks for danger, who laughs in the face of death. [laughs]

Kate:
This from the same person who watched the movie Aliens from under the couch?

ALF:
Hey, I thought I owed one of those guys money.

Brian:
Am I a type T?

ALF:
Well, do you enjoy hang gliding off cliffs into rock-filled gorges?

Brian:
I don't know.

ALF:
Well let's find out. What do you say we jump off the roof. You land feet-first, you're a wimp.

Brian:
I'll go get the ladder.

Kate:
No one is jumping off the roof.

ALF:
Hey Kate, let me know when you let your son act like a man. Ah! Paper cut! Paper cut!

Yard Guard:
Hey, get away from that train!

Willie:
ALF, jump!

ALF:
Run, boxcar, run! [Willie jumps into the boxcar] All aboard! Hey, I always wanted to say that.

Willie:
Well you got your wish!

ALF:
And you got yours, too. We're riding the rails, Willie. Ain't it grand!

Willie:
No, it ain't! Now the train's going too fast! We can't get off!

ALF:
You're acting like this is all my fault.

Willie:
Well, isn't it?

ALF:
I was hoping we could share.

Willie:
How many more things can there be? [ALF comes out] What was all that noise?

ALF:
I don't know. As grandpa satchel used to say, "Don't look back. Something might be broken."

Kate:
In this case it's my casserole dish and the cookie jar.

ALF:
Where are you going?

Willie:
I'm going to see a musical.

ALF:
Musicals are dumb. Out of the blue people burst into songs.

Willie:
Hence the term "musical."

ALF:
Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing: [singing] Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey-

Willie:
It's getting on my nerves.

ALF:
See what it means? What this called?

Kate:
Cats.

ALF:
Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!

Kate:
They're not real cats; they're actors.

ALF:
Yech! I'll pass. How come you're not going your mate Kate?

Kate:
Well, uh- Actually, do you remember when we left you alone, and you blew up the kitchen?

ALF:
Oh, yeah. I get nervous just thinking about it.

Kate:
Well, I'm not going because I don't feel well. I have a fever. I have a slight fever.

ALF:
Oh, let me press my lips against your forehead.

Kate:
No!

ALF:
You don't sound that sick. Is there something wrong between you two?

Kate:
Of course not.

ALF:
You wouldn't lie to the old ALFer?

Willie:
No.

ALF:
Because I always tell the truth. Example, your socks are limp.

Kate:
Goodbye.

Willie:
Bye.

Kate:
Have a good time. [kisses Willie]

ALF:
And those glasses make you look owlish.

Willie:
Bye, ALF.

ALF:
Did I mention he has a funny walk?

Lynn:
[while talking to Julie on the phone] No Julie, he hasn't called yet. How can he when you keep calling to see if he called?

ALF:
[comes in Lynn's room] Quick! Hang up! Dial 911. 9, uno, uno.

Lynn:
I gotta go, I'll text you later! Bye!

ALF:
Hurry up!

Lynn:
Wait a minute, I don't smell smoke.

ALF:
Where is it written that all my emergencies involve fire?

Lynn:
Sorry.

ALF:
It's Willie and Kate. They've been fighting all night!

Lynn:
Were you listening outside their door again?

ALF:
Inside their door. Under their bed. Anyway, I distinctly heard someone say, "Get off it, it isn't ALF's fault."

Lynn:
That was probably mom.

ALF:
Actually, it was me. Then they walked out on each other, Lynn. I'm an orphan! I don't want to be an orphan. I saw Annie. Orphans have to eat gruel, and tap dance with mops.

Lynn:
Listen to me. Mom and dad haven't abandoned us. They're having a little fight, that's all. I just hope mom wins, so I can go on that ski trip.

ALF:
They won't settle anything, without our help.

Lynn:
Our help?

ALF:
Please, Lynn. This is the only family that I've got.

Lynn:
This is the only family I've got.

ALF:
Really? No wonder you're always hanging around! Now, let's see. How would we solve this problem on Melmac?

Lynn:
Let me guess. You'd play Tug-of-War with a cat.

ALF:
No. That only takes your mind off your troubles. It never solves anything. Wait, I remember. To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.

Lynn:
I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.

ALF:
The day they met me?

Lynn:
Think again.

ALF:
The day after they met me.

Lynn:
Keep thinking.

ALF:
I can't. My brain hurts. Aghhh!

Lynn:
Well, they're always talking about their honeymoon.

ALF:
Great! Yeah, that's it! Let's recreate their honeymoon. Where did they go?

Lynn:
Niagara Falls.

ALF:
Oh, real original.

ALF:
Interesting concept, the pencil. Where did it come from?

Willie:
Well, I've heard a number of theories on that.

ALF:
How about the shortest one?

Willie:
The stationery store.

ALF:
Thank you.

Willie:
Say, that's a voter registration application.

ALF:
Boy, can't put one over on you.

Willie:
You can't vote, ALF, you're not a citizen.

ALF:
I'll apply for a green card.

Willie:
That's only if you want a job.

ALF:
Pass.

[in Kate and ALF's dream]

John:
Mrs. Tanner, our environment is becoming endangered much like the liberal. What would you do about it?

Kate:
Well, my environmental plan includes tax incentives to the industrial sector to encourage factory modernization as well as legislation.

ALF:
Ah, lunch meat!

Kate:
ALF?

ALF:
Candidate ALF.

John:
Your solution to pollution?

ALF:
My solution to pollution will help your constitution. So send a contribution, and start the revolution. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Kate:
Could we please get serious here?

John:
Quiet! Rap Master ALF is on a roll.

ALF:
Thanks, man. Weiner on a stick?

John:
My pleasure. [pause] Your answer?

ALF:
To get rid of pollution, just tie big balloons on all the smoke stacks to catch the dirty air.

Kate:
Wait a minute. And what would you do when the balloons were full?

ALF:
I'd rub them on a big sweater and stick them to the ceiling of the White House.

John:
Finally, a candidate as intelligent as myself.

Kate:
How can you say that? His solution is impractical and ludicrous.

John:
Sour grapes, Mrs. Tanner. You lose. I'm voting for the ALFer.

Audience:
[cheering] ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF!

[Kate and ALF's dream ends]

Kate:
[talking during her sleep] ALF.

ALF:
That's my name. Ask me again, and I'll tell you the same.

Kate:
What are you doing in here?

ALF:
I got tired of looking at the big picture. [pause] Oh, hey, look! Willie's shins glow in the dark.

George:
[while taking ALF to the room with Tiffany] She's heavier than she looks.

Tiffany:
Thank you, Santa.

George:
Oh, you're welcome, darling. I wish I had a present to give you.

Tiffany:
Oh, that's okay.

George:
You know, Christmas isn't about presents.

Tiffany:
It's about giving of yourself.

George:
You've given me a most wonderful gift by saying thank you.

Tiffany:
ALF, could you stay with me just until I fall asleep?

ALF:
Hey, no problem.

Tiffany:
ALF, do you want to know a secret?

ALF:
If you want to tell me.

Tiffany:
I'm going to have to move on to another world, too. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. And I'm afraid to go, ALF. I know I'm not supposed to be afraid but I can't help it.

ALF:
It's alright, Tiffany. It's alright to be afraid.

Tiffany:
You know, maybe in the next world that I'm going to they'll have Christmas all year round.

ALF:
Could be.

Tiffany:
And everyone will want to be my friend. I know they will. And maybe everyone will be just like you, ALF.

ALF:
Well, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. [laughs]

Tiffany:
I love you, ALF.

[short pause]

ALF:
I love you too, Tiffany.

Brian:
Dad?

Willie:
Yeah?

Brian:
Is ALF coming home?

Willie:
He's coming home. I'm sure he's coming home.

Brian:
I hope it doesn't snow.

The Tanners:
[surprised that ALF came back] ALF!

ALF:
[after he fell from the chimney] Merry Christmas!

[Trevor and Raquel come to the Tanners to introduce them to Jake]

Trevor:
Hi Willie, hi Kate.

Kate:
Hi guys.

Trevor:
And other residents of the Tanner manor.

Willie:
Hi, Trevor, Raquel. And who might this be?

Trevor:
This is Jake, my brother cyril's kid. These are the Tanners.

Willie:
How do you do?

Kate:
Hi, Jake.

Lynn:
Hi.

Brian:
Hi Jake.

Jake:
Yeah.

Raquel:
[laughs] Jake just flew in from New York. He's staying with us while his father is away.

Kate:
Oh, how long will that be?

Jake:
5 years.

Trevor:
Unless he gets time off for good behavior.

ALF:
Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake--

Kate:
We're saving it for Jake.

ALF:
Okay. [pause] He's not coming. Let's eat.

Willie:
He'll be here, ALF.

ALF:
The kid's probably going up the river as we speak. They'll put him in solitary, feed him bread and water, topped by a delicious piece of chocolate- [Kate moves the cake] cake.

Willie:
Jake may have some problems, but he's not going to be sent to prison.

ALF:
Tell that to my cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes. [points at Willie, imitating machine gun sound] "ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."

Willie:
You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?

ALF:
No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."

Lynn:
[comes in] Mr. Ochmonek called and said Jake won't come over.

Willie:
I didn't hear the phone.

Lynn:
He just hollered through my window.

ALF:
Alright! Let's eat.

Kate:
Would you like some cake?

[ALF and Jake get ready to meet each other]

Jake:
Get away from me! Just stay away from me!

ALF:
Wait! You can't leave. They'll think I broke the telescope.

Jake:
Okay, I'll fix it. Just don't bite me.

ALF:
Bite you? That's a good idea. I'll bite you, if you don't fix this. [snaps jaws]

Jake:
Alright! Just don't tell my aunt and uncle I was taking it.

ALF:
On 1 condition. You fix this telescope, and don't tell anyone about me.

Jake:
That's 2 conditions. [ALF growls] Alright! You've got a deal. What are you, anyway?

ALF:
I'm an alien from the planet Melmac. I have powers that you can only dream about.

Jake:
Like what?

ALF:
[thinks for a moment] I can watch television for 10 hours straight and not get up to go the bathroom.

Jake:
You're the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

ALF:
You should see me with my hair wet.

Jake:
Do the Tanners know about you?

ALF:
Yeah, they know all about me. Well, they don't know that I've had liposuction. Where'd you learn to fix telescopes? Cal tech?

Jake:
No, my dad taught me. We used to find things in the trash and fix them. My dad could fix anything, especially horse races.

ALF:
Wild guess. That's why he's in jail?

Jake:
Yeah. Well, I'm done.

ALF:
Wow! You're good! And fast!

Jake:
It's no big deal.

ALF:
No big deal? On Melmac, we only had one guy who knew how to fix things. They put him on display in a zoo, but the cage door was broken, so he walked away.

Jake:
Good story. Is it okay if I go now?

ALF:
Yeah, but remember our deal. You can't tell anyone about me.

Jake:
Hey, don't worry. I live by the Ochmonek code. We don't squeal or tip.

ALF:
The name's ALF.

Jake:
Jake. [leaves] Bye.

ALF:
Bye.

Jake:
[opens the window and finds ALF from outside] What are you doing here?

ALF:
I bought over a few things for you to fix. [handing Jake some stuff for him to fix] Here's a tape recorder's got fur stuck in it. I don't know how that happen.

Jake:
What happened to this?

ALF:
I tried to puree a rock. It didn't work.

Raquel:
[offscreen] Jake? Are you talking to someone?

Jake:
No, it's just the TV.

ALF:
Welcome to Monday Night Football.

Jake:
It's Saturday!

ALF:
Live from New York, it's Saturday-

Jake:
I'm shutting it off.

ALF:
Click! Can you fix all this stuff?

Jake:
My motto is if I can't fix it, it ain't broken.

ALF:
My motto is I broke it.

Jake:
My dad's motto is I broke into it.

ALF:
[laughs] Hey, hey! You're pretty funny for a delinquent. [pause] I love this male bonding. What do you say we go out back and throw a cat on the Barbie? Just a thought. [he leaves from the window]

Kate:
ALF?

ALF:
Yes?

Kate:
Come here.

ALF:
No problem. Kate, I'm sorry about your flowers. Please accept these along with my apologies.

Kate:
They smell like feet.

ALF:
I washed them in Desenex.

Willie:
ALF, where is our football?

ALF:
Behind your back.

Willie:
[shows ALF the football] Raquel said it broke her window.

ALF:
That's ridiculous! Footballs don't break windows, people do.

Willie:
What about aliens?

ALF:
Me, I broke nothing, I swear.

Kate:
You broke those plates when you throw the football through my kitchen window.

ALF:
Like that's relevant.

Kate:
Willie, present your evidence.

Willie:
The case is simple. We have here a broken window, and a defendant with a long, long history of reckless behavior. Starting with the day he crashed his spaceship into our garage.

ALF:
Name 12 more.

Willie:
To name 12 more. He set a fire in the camper, he chopped up our Christmas tree, he wrecked the toaster, he ripped that painting, he dug up the backyard, he stole a car, he buried my piano, I think that was the thing hurt me the most, he got me arrested, he used our credit cards, excessively and illegally, he short circuited the television, terrorized the cat, and he blew up the kitchen. It's not hard to imagine, that such a person would, could, and infect did kick a football through the Ochmonek's window.

Brian:
Brilliant!

ALF:
Willie, we voted fair and square. Uncle Albert stays in the tent.

Willie:
No, you're staying in the tent, ALF.

ALF:
I don't want to sleep out here. This place is swarming with armored leeches.

Willie:
Those are snails.

ALF:
I don't care if they're hunchback slugs. I'm not sleeping out here.

Willie:
ALF, we always make you stay in the garage. I thought sleeping in a tent would be a nice change of pace.

ALF:
Yeah, listen. Since Uncle Albert is such a pain, why don't you just tell the guy to bug off?

Willie:
Oh, I can't do that ALF. He's family.

ALF:
Fine. Now you're stuck with an unwanted house guest.

Willie:
Isn't it strange how that pattern keeps repeating itself?

ALF:
Why? Kate's mother is coming too?

Willie:
Let's just put up the tent.

ALF:
Fine. Why is it taking so long?

Willie:
[he takes away the tape measure away from ALF and shakes his glasses] It's taking so long because you keep undoing everything I'm doing. Would you hand me, a box of wing nuts?

ALF:
Wing nuts? I'm afraid I've eaten them.

Willie:
You ate a box wing nuts?

ALF:
I thought they said "walnuts". Don't bother looking for the package marked tent stakes.

Willie:
I think I'd better finish this by myself.

ALF:
Fine. I'll be over here if you need me. [walks away]

Willie:
I'll keep that in mind in case things go too smoothly.

ALF:
[after seeing Uncle Albert opening his tent] Care for a cookie? [Uncle Albert passes out and dies from the shock of seeing him] Alright, after your nap.

Man:
Hello, social services. Hold, please. Hey, Willie, call for you on line 4. Sounds like Sammy Davis, Jr.

Willie:
Hello.

ALF:
[like Sammy Davis] Man, how'd you like this clever ruse?

Willie:
Why are you calling me? You promised to stay in the tent!

ALF:
But we're out of canned peaches.

Willie:
You called me for peaches?

ALF:
No, I also need grape leaves, yellow cellophane, and a tag for the toe.

Willie:
A tag for what?

ALF:
You're not writing this down, are you?

Willie:
No, I'm not. What's this all about?

ALF:
It was gonna be a surprise, but Uncle Albert's dead.

Willie:
What?

ALF:
Don't worry, I've already started the embalming, that's why I need the peaches. [hangs up]

Willie:
Wait! [hangs up]

Man:
Willie, is it true Sammy's going on the road, again?

[ALF is decorating a party as Kate comes home with the groceries]

Kate:
ALF, what is going on here?

ALF:
We're celebrating. Uncle Albert is gone.

Kate:
He left without saying goodbye?

ALF:
It was rather sudden.

Willie:
Kate. Kate. [he hugs her]

ALF:
Where are my peaches?

Willie:
Is it true about Uncle Albert?

Kate:
Well, apparently so. I mean, talk about the perfect guest. He came, he was nice and he left before we got tired of him.

Willie:
Oh, Kate, please.

ALF:
Hey, come on, man! Lighten up. Here, have a hat.

Willie:
Have you no respect for the dead?

Kate:
Dead? ALF, you said Uncle Albert was gone.

ALF:
You thought he left?

Kate:
Oh, my God.

Willie:
What happened? ALF, exactly what happened?

ALF:
Well, I was in the tent watching TV.

Willie:
He saw you?

ALF:
Yeah. I offered him one of Kate's cookies, but he keeled over. Hey, don't take it personally. Some people just don't have a sweet tooth. Speaking of which, did you get those canned peaches, Willie? I need to finish basting the deceased. [Willie walks away] Hey, hey, let the guy marinate in peace!

Brian:
[as he comes home from school] Hey! Are we having a party?

ALF:
I'm trying to.

Kate:
This isn't a party.

ALF:
Sure it is! It's just like a birthday party only someone else has to blow out the candles.

Willie:
It's, it's true.

ALF:
Hey, come on. Don't blame yourself, Willie. Gosh, if anyone killed Uncle Albert, it was me.

Lynn:
[walks outside with a banana bread and finds ALF hiding inside a box] ALF? ALF, are you in there?

ALF:
[inside the box] Go away.

Lynn:
I brought you some banana bread. ALF, please come out of there.

ALF:
No! If you see me, you'll die.

Lynn:
I've already seen you. I know what you look like. ALF.

ALF:
I'm double-bagged for your protection.

Lynn:
Come on. Eat some banana bread.

ALF:
I'm not hungry.

Lynn:
You really are upset. What was death like on Melmac?

ALF:
Predictable. Everyone died at the same age. 650. There were no surprises. And you could plan.

Lynn:
You could stock upon fruit and things?

ALF:
Exactly. And the week before you go you give away your personal belongings. The year before you go, your credit cards are canceled.

Lynn:
I'd be afraid to know exactly when I was gonna die.

ALF:
Hey, I'd be afraid not to know. That's why I feel so bad about Uncle Albert. I took him before his time. Thanks to me, he didn't have a chance to wrap things up.

Lynn:
Yes, he did.

ALF:
What are you talkin' about?

Lynn:
See, Uncle Albert came here to make amends to show us that he really could be a nice guy. A lot of people don't get a chance to do that. But he did.

ALF:
Really?

Lynn:
Really.

ALF:
Well, if that's true then I'll get over this eventually. But I'd still like to stay in this box awhile.

Lynn:
I understand. You need some time to think.

ALF:
Yeah. [pause] Oh, hey, Lynn? You could leave that banana bread.

ALF:
[playing cards with Jake] I never wager more than I'm willing to lose. I'll bet Willie's car.

[the Ochmoneks come inside the Tanner's house]

Lynn:
Hi. Dad, it's the Ochmoneks. And Jake.

Jake:
Hi, tall, teenage, and tantalizin'.

Lynn:
Gag me with a shovel.

Jake:
Whatever turns you on.

Willie Any requests?

Trevor:
Yeah. Go jump in the lake and take your CB with ya.

Willie What?

Raquel:
Everyone thinks that you're taking this neighborhood watch thing far too seriously.

Willie:
Have I, as the Sentinel done something that's offended you?

Trevor:
Let us just say we don't want to be involved anymore. We're turning in our code names.

Raquel:
Cross The Phantom and Lolita off your list.

Trevor:
The Litwaks and Mrs. Byrd are droppin' out too.

Willie:
I guess I got a little carried away, huh?

Raquel:
You called me horsemeat.

Willie:
I'm sure I didn't say. Horsemeat. I'm sure that I said something nice that just sounded like.

Trevor:
At any rate, don't try to contact us. We're on our way outta town.

Raquel:
We're going to Tijuana to do some shopping. We have a whole house to refurnish. Come on, Jake.

Jake:
Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to kitsch.

Lynn:
Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!

Trevor:
I told you, you can't stay here unless Willie invites you to stay, of his own free will, without being pushed into it.

Willie:
Of course, Jake is more than welcome to stay.

Raquel:
Well, alright then. See you manana.

Jake:
Hasta luego.

Raquel:
Come on, Trevor.

Trevor:
Right behind you, Phantom. [he and Raquel leave]

Willie:
If you two will excuse me there's a little matter I have to discuss with ALF.

Jake:
Oh, take your time, sir. We'll be fine. Oh, uh, could you dim the lights on your way out? [hops on the sofa]

Lynn:
No problem. [gets up and turns off the light]

Lynn:
[answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's ALF.

Willie:
Would you tell him to come in here if he wants to talk to me?

Lynn:
Dad said that you're gonna have to come in here if you want to talk to him. He says that's gonna be a problem.

Willie:
Hello, ALF.

ALF:
[on the phone at the Ochmoneks] Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie! What have I done?

Willie:
I don't know, ALF. What have you done?

ALF:
Did you see Dog Day Afternoon?

Willie:
Where are you?

Griswald:
[on megaphone] The house is surrounded. Come out with your hands up.

ALF:
Please hold. Uh, no dice! I'm armed, I'm dangerous and I'm off my medication.

Jake:
Hey! Hey! The cops have somebody cornered in my house!

ALF:
As you may have gathered, Willie. I'm in big trouble.

Willie:
You're always in trouble.

ALF:
Yeah, but even on the ALF scale this one's a humdinger. I need help.

Willie:
What happened, ALF?

ALF:
Long story short, I saw a burglar at the Ochmonek's and scared him away. Now, I'm trapped and I'm scared. Oh, the irony of it all.

Willie:
Well, can't you make a run for it?

ALF:
I take it you didn't see the end of Butch Cassidy either.

Willie:
No, I didn't.

ALF:
But you've got to do something, ALF. They might storm the house.

Willie:
Oh, yeah.

ALF:
I've got hostages in here! Think that'll hold them? Or should I say that the hostages are nuns?

Willie:
No nuns. None. [I'm coming over.

ALF:
Okay, but hurry! I don't think these guys will give you much of a grace period if you catch my drift.

Willie:
[hangs up the phone] ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's.

Jake:
I know the feeling.

Willie:
I'm going over.

Brian:
Me too.

Kate:
No! You're staying here. It's too dangerous.

Jake:
Yeah, you might lose your cool when the bullets start flyin'.

Willie:
Bullets? There'll be bullets?

Kate:
Jake, that is ridiculous. Willie, be careful.

Willie:
Oh, uh, I will. By the way, how did Butch Cassidy end?

Kate:
They were gunned down by the Bolivian army.

Lynn:
Yeah, it was really cool.

Willie:
I can dig it.

Kate:
[on the phone] Hello, Hairy.

ALF:
Hi, too much rouge?

Kate:
So, how is it going?

ALF:
Fine, I've met a lot of nice new people who wanna kill me.

Kate:
That's nice.

ALF:
Oh, I'm glad you're taking it so well.

Kate:
Uh, I-I really can't talk right now. We have, company.

ALF:
Oh, you invited people over! Hey, hey, I wouldn't want you to stop living because I might.

Kate:
We didn't invite them. They just dropped by.

Raquel:
Well, excuse us for being under siege.

Kate:
Um. Uh, Willie hasn't forgotten about you. I'm sure we'll be seeing you soon. Okay, Hairy?

ALF:
Do I have the right number?

Kate:
Yes. Goodbye. [hangs up] Do I use too much rouge?

Raquel:
I always thought so.

[Willie and ALF are playing chess]

ALF:
I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Willie:
Why not?

ALF:
Because I might lose.

Willie:
I'm sorry. Check.

[the telephone rings]

ALF:
Get that, Willie. I want to plan my next move.

[short pause]

Willie:
[on the phone] Hello. The who Meister? Yeah, sure. Just a minute. Hang on. It's for you. [gives the phone to ALF]

ALF:
It must be Jody. [on the phone] Hello. Hey, Jod-meister. What's happening? I saw that, Willie. Your building's going where? Condo? Where's condo? Oh! Oh! Hey, it's no problem. Yeah, you could stay here till you find a new place. Well, why would anybody mind? No, we have a slogan here, welcome. It's on the mat outside. Uh, Willie sends his love. Okay, buh-bye. Hang that up, will you, Willie? [Willie hangs up the phone]

Willie:
The mat outside says, wipe your feet.

ALF:
Jody's blind. She'll never know.

[ALF gets ready to eat Lucky]

ALF:
Lucky, I'm going to show you what it's like to be plunged into a world of darkness. [shoves Lucky in his mouth until Kate comes]

Kate:
ALF!

ALF:
Kate, just in time! The cat almost got my tongue.

Kate:
Give me this cat! [takes Lucky away from him]

ALF:
Bad, Lucky, bad! Now I know how Wile E. Coyote feels.

[Kate walks away with Lucky]

ALF:
[while cutting the plants] This is pretty hefty punishment for breaking 1 measly chimney.

Brian:
Hey ALF, watch this! [throws a stick to the ground]

ALF:
Interesting.

Brian:
It's a dog.

ALF:
I could see that, but it wrecked your stick trick. What was supposed to happen?

Brian:
That was it. That's how you play fetch.

ALF:
Fascinating game. Right up there with watching golf.

Brian:
You wanna throw one? Alright. What harm could it do?

[ALF throws the stick to the Ochmoneks' backyard]

Willie:
[comes in] Hi.

ALF:
Hi.

Willie:
What are the chances that the crash I just heard was the Ochmoneks breaking their own window?

Brian:
Slim and none. And slim is out of town.

Willie:
Where did this dog come from?

Brian:
She followed me home from school.

Trevor:
[offscreen] Hey, Tanner!

Willie:
ALF, you better hide whilst I, once again, take the blame for something you did.

ALF:
Thanks, Willie. You're a prince.

Willie:
I'm a king.

Trevor:
[comes to the Tanners' backyard] Good afternoon, guys. Does this look familiar to anyone?

Willie:
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Trevor. B-Brian and I were, we were just, sort of, play. It's $20, right?

Trevor:
80.

Willie:
$80?

Trevor:
Yeah, I'm putting in Plexiglas this time. It'll be cheaper for you in the long run.

Willie:
Good planning.

Trevor:
Thanks.

Willie:
Well, I'll see ya. [ALF pops his head out] So long, Trevor. [Trevor leaves the Tanners' backyard] She sure is a pretty dog.

Brian:
Can we keep her?

ALF:
Yeah, Willie. Can we, huh?

Willie:
No, I don't know. I'm sure she's got an owner somewhere.

Brian:
Can't we just keep her until we find the owner?

Willie:
Well, I guess so. As long as it's okay with your mom.

ALF:
Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody!

Brian:
I didn't know you liked dogs.

ALF:
What's not to like? They're loyal, obedient, they hate cats. [the dog growls] And those who eat them!

Brian:
Why did you give Alfina to that mean lady?

ALF:
Sorry.

Brian:
I'm not playing with you anymore, ever! [Willie comes in] Dad, where's Alfina?

Willie:
I'm sorry, Brian. I couldn't get her back.

Brian:
Why not?

Willie:
Mrs. Buttonwood only wanted the dog so she could get $500 from the real owner.

Brian:
It's all your fault, ALF! [runs off]

ALF:
He's right. I got us into this. I'll get us out. Willie, can I borrow $500,000? I'll give it back to you next payday.

Willie:
You don't have a job.

ALF:
I meant your next payday.

Willie:
Stay out of this. You're in enough hot water!

ALF:
So what's a little more?

[ALF is sitting in the kitchen wearing shades and staring at a sunlamp]

Kate:
[walks over to him] What are you doing?

ALF:
[with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for 5 hours, Nada.

Kate:
5 hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn. [she touches ALF as ALF screams] Sorry.

ALF:
Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.

Kate:
[takes the sunlamp away from ALF] Well, would you like some cold cream?

ALF:
Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet.

Kate:
It's for your nose.

ALF:
That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.

Kate:
ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?

ALF:
You're talking like they're two different things.

Kate:
They are! Haven't you been listening?

ALF:
What is this, healing through hollering?

[Brian comes in the kitchen after he had a school fight]

Kate:
Brian, what happened?

ALF:
Yeah, you look terrible.

Brian:
I was in a fight.

ALF:
Looking like that? Yeesh!

Kate:
[on the phone] I love you too, mom. Buh-bye. [hangs up the phone] Why are those boards in the fireplace?

Lynn:
ALF said, if you can't break 'em, burn 'em.

Kate:
ALF!

ALF:
[pops up from the kitchen] Boing!

Kate:
ALF, we are not going to let you burn perfectly good lumber.

ALF:
Oh, right, one of these days Willie's gonna build that gazebo.

[Brian comes home from school and tries to hide his face from Lynn]

Lynn:
Brian, what's wrong?

Brian:
[after getting beaten up for the 2nd time] Nothing. See you tomorrow.

Kate:
[stops Brian from leaving] Oh, no, not again.

Willie:
Brian!

Brian:
Hi, dad. Bobby beat me up again.

Willie:
Oh, no.

Brian:
I tried to walk away, like you said. But he was sitting on me at the time.

Kate:
Let me get the first aid kit. [takes Brian to the kitchen] Come on, Bri, let me clean you up.

ALF:
Alright! That's it! I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.

Willie:
But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?

ALF:
Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?

Willie:
Don't you see the connection?

ALF:
What connection?

Willie:
I give up.

ALF:
Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae. [walks off]

Brian:
You should have heard what Bobby said.

Kate:
Did he insult me again?

Brian:
No. Dad.

Willie:
What did he say about me?

Brian:
He said you must have been desperate to marry someone like mom.

Kate:
I'm glad to see he's off my case.

Lynn:
Did he say anything about me?

Brian:
Yeah. He said you were cute.

Lynn:
Does he know I'm mom's daughter?

Kate:
[serious] This isn't funny! I'm sorry, Bri, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call Bobby's mother.

ALF:
Save your dialing finger, Kate. She's not home. She went down to the liquor store.

Lynn:
Who told you that?

ALF:
Bobby's father. Oh, by the way, he's coming over here to beat the stuffing out of Willie.

Willie:
What? Why?

ALF:
Well, he didn't like the way you talked to him on the phone.

Willie:
ALF, I thought we agreed that you'd stop impersonating me on the phone.

ALF:
We agreed I would stop impersonating the cast of Green Acres. [imitating] Although, Mr. Haney could have sold Brian some revivifying potion out of the back of his truck.

Willie:
ALF, what did I say, to Bobby's father?

ALF:
You were a bit rough actually. It was so unlike you.

Willie:
What did he say to me?

ALF:
He said that. He was gonna turn your face into silly putty. Hey, look at the bright side you'll be able to reproduce the Sunday comics.

[the doorbell rings]

Brian:
That might be Bobby's dad.

ALF:
I'm outta here. Hey, and don't worry, Willie we won't let them keep you alive artificially. [hides away as Willie and Kate leave the kitchen]

Kate:
Honey, would you like some breakfast?

Willie:
No, I'll just have this cinnamon roll.

ALF:
Sorry, we're out. [he takes the cinnamon roll away but Willie grabs it off his hand]

[ALF is in Kate and Willie's bed eating crackers]

Kate:
I don't believe you're eating crackers in bed.

ALF:
I know. It's such a clich? Could you "hoover" the crumbs out of my fur?

Kate:
I want every single crumb out of this bed. Including you.

ALF:
I know you're upset about Willie, but he'll be home soon. I won't leave this bed, until he is.

Willie:
[comes in] Hi.

ALF:
Rats!

Willie:
Just what I wanted to see in my bed.

ALF:
Thanks. Cracker?

Kate:
It's 11pm. What happened?

Willie:
I'm sorry, Kate. I got in a big tie-up on the on the,

ALF:
Freeway.

Willie:
Freeway. I suppose you've discussed the crackers in bed.

Kate:
We were just discussing that, when you came in.

ALF:
Yes, your arrival was most fortuitous.

Willie:
Not that it matters, I'm so tired that I could sleep on broken glass.

ALF:
Then you might want to sleep by the China cabinet.

Willie:
[picks up the phone] Hi, Brian?

ALF:
Hi, daddy!

Willie:
I'm very busy.

ALF:
What are you doing?

Willie:
I'm assigning parking spaces.

ALF:
I thought you were a social worker.

Willie:
I'm very busy ALF. I can't talk now.

ALF:
Put me on hold. I'll listen to the Muzak.

Willie:
Goodbye, ALF.

ALF:
[pops his head out from the basement] Hey, great. Now we've got a furnished basement. Whoa, I am outta here! [he heads down to the basement as Kate and Willie are shocked as the episode ends]

ALF:
Ta-da! Welcome to the Tanner dinner theater. Starring Gordon Shumway and Paul!

Willie:
Oh, ALF, what are you doing? We were just-

ALF:
There will be no talking during tonight's performance. And now, our opening joke. Say hello, dummy!

Paul:
Hello, dummy!

[ALF laughs]

Willie:
Oh, brother!

ALF:
Oh-oh! The crowd looks tough.

Paul:
So does the roast beef. [laughs]

ALF:
Hey, Paul. It looks like they're glad to see you.

Paul:
Oh, that's cause with me on your hand you can't grab all the food!

[the family laughs]

ALF:
We kill us!

Lynn:
ALF, how did you get so good so fast?

ALF:
Well, I pick things up pretty quickly.

Paul:
Except for those Styrofoam thingies. You shoved them under the rug!

Paul:
Can't you pack any faster?

ALF:
Not one handed. Why do we have to run away?

Paul:
Because this place is a suburban Sing Sing.

Brian:
[comes in] Hey, ALF. Whatcha doing?

ALF:
I'm running away from home.

Paul:
Oh, great. Tell the whole world.

Brian:
Why are you running away?

Paul:
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! [laughs evily]

Brian:
[angrily] I'M GONNA TELL DAD! [he leaves the garage] DAD!

ALF:
Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!

Paul:
Shut up and keep packing.

ALF:
Well, what if I don't wanna go? What if someone sees me?

Paul:
I'll tell 'em you're my pet sloth, which isn't too far from the truth.

ALF:
I don't know why I stay friends with you.

Paul:
Because I'm your alter ego.

ALF:
You're my what?

Paul:
I tell you what to do. Now, grab that radio over there. We'll hock it.

ALF:
I can't take that. It's Willie's!

[Willie and Kate come in the garage]

Willie:
You're not taking anything. And I think it's time I took that dummy away from you.

ALF:
No! No!

Paul:
Yeah. Back off or you'll be sucking splinters.

Kate:
ALF, Paul is only a toy. How about if we replace him with a Papa Smurf?

Paul:
Why don't we replace the two of you with Ozzie and Harriet? At least Harriet could cook.

Kate:
That's it, mister! You are kindling!

ALF:
No, no! Don't take Paul away from me. He'll die!

Willie:
ALF, why don't you and Paul just go in the house? We're not gonna bother you anymore. I promise.

ALF:
See how nice they are? Thank you. That's very kind of-

Paul:
Come on! Come on! I'll teach you how to smoke. [he and ALF leave the garage]

ALF:
But I don't wanna smoke.

Paul:
It's good for ya.

ALF:
Really?

Paul:
Oh, yeah.

Kate:
Willie, what? What did you do that for?

Willie:
Don't worry. I'm getting psychiatric help.

Kate:
Good for you, honey. But what about ALF?

Willie:
That's what I meant. I'm calling Larry. He helped ALF last year. He didn't even send us a bill.

Kate:
You get what you pay for.

[Maura is in the kitchen and ALF comes in]

Maura:
Hi!

ALF:
Uh oh!

Maura:
Nice try, though.

ALF:
Huh?

Maura:
Come on, Sammy. Did you honestly think that you would fool me with that silly disguise?

ALF:
Sammy? Sammy who?

Maura:
What do you mean? Sammy you!

ALF:
You know me?

Maura:
Of course. Quit fooling around. Sit down and have a drink.

ALF:
Well, maybe a short one.

ALF:
You realize I'm a figment of your imagination, not an alien from another planet? Right?

Maura:
Of course.

ALF:
Just checking. Gotta run! I've got other dreams to appear in.

Maura:
Knock it off, Sammy. You're not going anywhere.

ALF:
I'm not?

Maura:
No, we've been through all this before. That is the strangest I've ever seen you look.

ALF:
You should see me in a tank top.

Maura:
This beats the time you showed up as the dog in the cowboy suit.

ALF:
How often do I show up?

Maura:
You arrive during the 3rd margarita, and leave during the blackout.

ALF:
At least I'm consistent.

Maura:
Here, salud! [gives ALF a drink]

ALF:
[sniffs] Holy owned and operated! What is this stuff?

Maura:
What do you mean? We've been drinking tequila for 7 years.

ALF:
Did I ever ask what's in it?

Maura:
Nope, you just said it tastes better than it smells.

ALF:
Let's hope so. At least there's a worm in it. [gasps] I was wrong.

Maura:
About what?

ALF:
This tastes worse that it smells. [coughs]

ALF:
[in his first dream; inside a cage] Look at this. They've got me wired for cable. Let me see. Which was the button for a cheeseburger? [presses button] Ahhh! That's not it! [presses another button] Ahhh! I've got to label these buttons. [presses another button] Great. I wiped out half my childhood memories for celery! Hey, you! Come here.

Man:
Yes?

ALF:
How did you get out of your cage?

Man:
I work here.

ALF:
Sorry. I'll give you $5 to let me out. $10, if you clean the cage while I'm out.

Man:
Can't do it.

ALF:
Please! I've got to get out of here. I've got a family, I've got a life, I've got a cake in the oven!

Man:
You should've thought about that before exposing yourself, specimen ALF/1.

ALF:
I'm not a specimen. I'm a spaceman. Get the teeth fixed, Boris. [presses button] I guess there's still no word from the governor. [ALF's first dream ends] Well, you're living in the Dark Ages, Willie or won't he?

ALF:
[hosting his late-night talk show in his second dream] My, oh, my. We're having some fun tonight. Later on "Stupid Pet Tricks," you'll see a cat do a 50 foot dive into my mouth. Oh, I almost forgot. Say hello to Willie Tanner, ladies and gentlemen.

Willie:
Hi, babe. I want to thank you for bringing me on board after you fired Paul Shaffer.

ALF:
Oh, you're welcome. Willie boy, he does it all, including my laundry. [he laughs as his second dream ends]

Kate:
[offscreen] Get out of this bathroom! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final! [door slams]

ALF:
Fine! I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.

Willie:
Before you do, ALF, could you come out here?

ALF:
Sure, why not? It's not like I was born free to follow my heart, or anything.

[lights turns on]

Willie, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody:
Surprise!

ALF:
Willie, intruder alert!

Willie:
Oh, ALF!

ALF:
I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob. [everyone talks at once] Hey, hey, wait a minute. I know this mob.

Willie:
We've invited everyone who's ever met you.

ALF:
How's it going Jake-o-Lantern?

Jake:
Great! Give me 5!

ALF:
Here's 4. I owe you one! [laughs]

Larry:
How you doing, ALF?

ALF:
Larry, my shrink! Nice to see you when I'm not wacko.

Dorothy:
I'd challenge that.

ALF:
Grandma Dorothy, how's your much younger husband, Whizzer?

Dorothy:
Always a pleasure.

Lynn:
Look, ALF. Jody is here.

ALF:
Citizen cane! Yeah! Nice to see you.

Jody:
Nice not to see you!

ALF:
[laughs] What a kidder! Watch out for the lamp!

Willie:
ALF, we wanted to show you your world isn't as limited as you thought.

Kate:
It's not the same as going out and making new friends, but we hope it helps.

ALF:
I couldn't ask for more. Where are the presents?

Willie:
Presents? We gave you presents at Christmas and your birthday, and on St. Melmac's Day, which I really doubt was that big a holiday.

ALF:
Hey, forget the presents. I guess it's enough that my friends and Dorothy, are here.

Dorothy:
Surprise!

Willie, Kate, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody:
[giving ALF presents] Surprise!

ALF:
Oh, boy! Friends with presents are the best kind of friends and Dorothy.

Brian:
[comes in] Hi ALF.

ALF:
Hi, what does E-N-N-U-I spell?

Brian:
Beats me.

ALF:
Then what do we send you to school for?

Brian:
Beats me.

ALF:
Can I see the mail? I'm expecting to hear from the matchbook people on how well I drew Binky.

Brian:
Here you go, ALF.

ALF:
Occupant. Resident. Lingerie catalog Kate, you saucy vixen, you! Uh oh.

Brian:
They didn't like your "Binky"?

ALF:
Worse! It's from that college Lynn wants to go to.

Brian:
Why is that bad?

ALF:
It's in Massachusetts. If she goes there, she won't live here.

Lynn:
[comes in] Hi!

ALF:
Hi! No mail today.

Lynn:
Than what are you holding?

ALF:
Mail. I'm a terrible liar.

Lynn:
Let me see.

ALF:
Wait. What does E-N-N-U-I, spell?

Lynn:
Ennui?

ALF:
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! That's absolutely correct. No need to go to college.

Lynn:
[takes the mail from ALF] Give that to me. Oh my god! It's here! Cross your fingers everybody!

ALF:
No problem.

Lynn:
Alright! This is fantastic! I can't believe it! I've got to call Laurie. [runs off]

ALF:
Maybe she didn't get in.

ALF:
[cheering] Give me an L! Give me a Y! Give me an N-N-N! Now lose the extra N! What have ya got? [Lynn leaves her room] Was it something I spelled?

[ALF wakes up in the middle of the night and wakes up Willie and Kate]

ALF:
[clears throat] Now that you're up, could I see the two of you in the living room?

[Kate groans]

Willie:
ALF, we're tired now. We wanna go to sleep.

ALF:
Fine, but I don't know how you two can sleep considering what's in the living room.

[Willie and Kate come inside the living room and see many newspapers that ALF made]

Willie:
What are these?

ALF:
Newspapers, Willie. Get with it!

Kate:
Why are they here?

ALF:
Perhaps I should explain. Please do!

Kate:
No, let me guess. You're a newspaper boy.

ALF:
We prefer the term, "Paper Person." It's gender-neutral.

Willie:
Do you actually believe, that you can afford someone through college with a paper route?

ALF:
No. That's why I got 10 paper routes.

Willie:
10 paper routes, there must be 500 papers here.

ALF:
Actually, 501. They gave me an extra copy by mistake. [chuckles]

Kate:
ALF, you can't deliver newspapers.

ALF:
Sure I can! You haven't seen my throwing arm. [Willie grabs the newspaper] Willie, I can't throw you and the newspaper. [Willie takes the newspaper away from him]