ALF, Season 3

[Willie is fixing the car in the garage and he bumps his head on the car's hood when ALF honks at the car]

Willie:
Ow!

ALF:
Horn works!

Willie:
Thank you.

ALF:
Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident.

Willie:
[sees Jake come in the garage] Oh, hello, Jake.

Jake:
Hi, Mr. Tanner. Hey, ALF.

ALF:
What brings you over, Jake-Speare?

Jake:
Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are showing slides from their trip to Carlsbad caverns. All 400 of them.

Willie:
I've seen those. 216 stalactites. 184 stalagmites.

Jake:
Those are the ones. Still having car trouble, huh?

ALF:
Yeah, but have no fear. It's being handled by Mr. No-Goodwrench.

Jake:
Mind if I take a look?

Willie:
Be my guest. I got a hunch it's the distributor.

ALF:
Well, that rules out the distributor!

Jake:
No, here's your problem. It's the spark plug wire. I'll have it fixed in no time.

Willie:
Well, thanks, Jake.

ALF:
Don't be embarrassed, Willie.

Willie:
Oh, I'm not embarrassed.

ALF:
Not everybody can fix things.

Willie:
I'm not embarrassed.

ALF:
I'm sure there are several things you could do that--

Willie:
I'm not embarrassed.

Jake:
Ok, Mr. Tanner. Start her up when I say now. Ok, now. [car engine starts]

ALF:
Now are you embarrassed?

[car engine stops]

Willie:
Jake, what can I say? Thank you.

ALF:
You never thank me when I humiliate you.

Jake:
You know, I can't be sure, but it looks like somebody cut that wire on purpose, then just patched it together real loose. Has anybody been under the hood lately?

ALF:
Don't look at me. I just honked the horn.

Willie:
Well, I have been taking the car to a new mechanic lately, but I-

ALF:
There's your problem. The guy's a crook.

Willie:
Oh, ALF, don't jump to conclusions like that.

ALF:
No, I saw it on 60 Minutes. These mechanics fix 1 thing, Then they break something else so you keep coming back.

Jake:
You know, ALF could be right, Mr. Tanner. I've heard of that scam, too, on that David Horowitz Show.

Willie:
Well, why don't I just give the garage a call? There must be a simple explanation for this broken wire.

ALF:
Yeah, you got took. Conned. Nicked and clipped. You got your horn swoggled and your film flamed.

Willie:
[on the phone] Hello, Sam, it's Willie Tanner here. Yes, it's nice to hear your voice again, too. Listen, Sam, I wonder if you noticed anything unusual about my car. Uh, engine wise, I mean. Uh, like, say, uh, severed wire.

ALF:
Yo crook! This is Mike Wallace! You're under arrest! [Willie walks away]

Jake:
ALF, shh!

Willie:
No, I'm not accusing you, but it is possible. Not that I'm accusing you, mind, but-but you understand. That's not an accusation.

ALF:
If memory serves Bob Newhart is much funnier doing his phone bit.

Willie:
Well, I guess we have nothing more to say to one another. [hangs up the phone] You know, I'm beginning to think you may be right. I'm gonna call the Better Business Bureau.

ALF:
Have them throw the book at this guy. Preferably something by James Michener.