ALF, Season 3

Willie is working on his car but bumps his head on the hood when ALF honks the horn

ALF:
Horn works!

Willie{sarcastic}:
Thank you.

ALF:
Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident!

Jake Ochmonek:
Hey, this is the problem, the spark plugs! Jake does some work OK, Mr. Tanner, start it up!

Willie starts engine and it sputters to life

Willie:
Wow! Thank you, Jake!

Jake Ochmonek:
You are welcome. Hey, I do not want to sound conspiratorial, but it looked as if the wires were cut just shy of being severed. Wonder why that is?

ALF:
It means Willie was gypped!

Willie:
ALF!

Jake Ochmonek:
Actually, ALF may be on to something. There have been fraud cases where mechanics fix one part of the car then sabotage another part to create unneccesary repeat business.

ALF:
If Lynn starts humming the "Battle Hymn of the Republic," I'm pulling the plug on this production!

ALF:
Hey, I wonder if Horrowitz is going to fight back against the man who gave him that suit!

ALF:
[after getting the call from the blackmailer and trying to calm down] Don't panic Willie will help you. He always helps you. [looks at mess] I'm dogfood!

Kate:
Willie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?

Willie:
Yeah, going on three years now.

Kate:
No, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.

Willie:
Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.

Kate:
Then I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!

[Willie reacts, then there's a knock on the door.]

Trevor:
[off-camera from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's me!

[Willie opens the door.]

Willie:
Morning.

Trevor:
Good morning. I'll take it.

Kate:
Take what?

Trevor:
Your house! [He holds up a sign he found on the front yard.]

Willie:
[reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?

Trevor:
Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.

Willie:
No. I mean, we're not selling the house.

Kate:
Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.

Trevor:
Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel. [closes door and walks away disappointed]

[ALF comes in the kitchen with a razor while Willie is fixing a machine that has a banana peel inside]

ALF:
Hey, Willie. When's the last time you changed the blades in this razor?

Willie:
Oh, my razor is- [he grabs the razor from ALF and sees ALF's hair on it] Why were you shaving?

ALF:
According to Shelley, women like clean-shaven men.

Willie:
[he furiously looks too close at ALF's face] Don't ever touch anything that touches my face.

Lynn:
ALF! [comes in angrily] How could you do this to me?

ALF:
I couldn't find my own roll-on.

Kate:
Lynn, what's wrong?

Lynn:
I have got a date to go bowling with Donny Ducksworth, the geekiest guy in school, thanks to my brother, ALF.

Willie:
Your brother?

Lynn:
That's what he told Donny when he called him on the phone.

ALF:
You wanted me to.

Lynn:
[angrily] I DID NOT WANT TO!

ALF:
Well, you said you liked the guy.

Lynn:
I said I liked Danny Duckworth. You called Donny his cousin.

ALF:
Danny, Donny, Florence, Shelley, I'm getting a headache. I think I'll go lie down.

Kate:
Hold it right there bro, I think you have one more phone call to make this thing straighten down out.

Lynn:
It's too late, Mom. Donny has already bought us matching bowling shirts.

ALF:
That was my idea! I hope you like paisley!

ALF:
[pops his head up] Hi.

Lynn:
What are you doing in this car?

ALF:
Hey, I'm trapped here, so let's just make the best of it, ok?

Lynn:
You are gonna ruin everything.

ALF:
What's to ruin? We're sitting in a parking lot, listening to a movie.

Lynn:
This is a drive-in. It's just like a regular movie, except you stay in your car.

ALF:
Well, at least I can order food. Yo, Jack! I'll have a burger and some fries.

Lynn:
That speaker is for the movie.

ALF:
Oh. Hey, can you roll Animal House for the blue station wagon?

Lynn:
Get down! Danny's gonna be back any minute.

ALF:
Well, then you might want to take a look at chapter 9, laying the trap.

Lynn:
I don't need your help or Shelley's.

ALF:
Do I have to remind you what you'd be doing tonight if it weren't for our help?

Lynn:
What?

ALF:
Do the words, "Go fish, Brian" ring a bell?

Willie:
Thank you, thank you. And welcome to the 2nd Annual Tanner Invitational Croquet Tournament. [everyone cheers] Ok. Introducing the defending champions, Lynn and Brian Tanner.

Lynn:
Whoo!

ALF:
Alright! And the challengers, Kate and, of course, Willie tanner. Boo! Hiss! Murder the bums!

Kate:
I thought referees were supposed to be impartial.

ALF:
[blows whistle] That's it. Mouthing off.

Willie:
You're out of here.

ALF:
I think we need a referee with at least a nodding acquaintance with the rules. Now, see here. Croquet happened to be Melmac's biggest sport. Only there it was called muck sucking.

Kate:
ALF!

ALF:
Hey, I didn't name it. Is it played the same?

Lynn:
Exactly.

ALF:
Except you need and Bob Eubanks. Oh, oh. And the swing was slighty different. Here, I'll show you. Block me, Willie.

Willie:
[gets knocked down after ALF hits him] Uhh!

Kate:
Willie!

Willie:
Ohh! [groaning]

ALF:
Now you see why it was called muck sucking.

Kate:
Lynn, help me get your dad in the house.

Lynn:
Put him on the couch.

ALF:
I'll have a look at him there.

Willie:
Stay away from me!

ALF:
I just want to help.

Willie:
I just want to be a safe distance from you. If there is such a place. [he, Kate, and Lynn leave the backyard]

ALF:
Guess it's just you and me, you little muck sucker.

Brian:
I don't want to play with you, ALF. You're too dangerous. [leaves]

ALF:
Oh, what a day. First I broke Willie's windshield, then I broke Willie's power saw. Now I broke Willie. Sometimes I think the Tanners would be better off without me. Sometimes I wish I'd never come here. [throws croquet stick up in the air] I wish, I wish, [the croquet stick hits himself knocking him unconscious] I wish I could figure out this thing called gravity. [falls down to the ground]

Bob:
My name is Bob, I'm your guardian angel.

ALF:
Right, I'm the Easter alien.

Willie:
You know, our lives have turned out better than I ever dreamed would have been possible.

Kate:
I agree. We have 2 wonderful kids, a comfortable income, this great house with no aliens living in it.

[ALF wakes up from his dream to find that he had simply been unconscious for the past few hours]

Brian:
I think he's waking up.

Kate:
[walks up to ALF] ALF. ALF! Can, can you hear me?

ALF:
Auntie Em? Auntie Em? Is that you? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Kate:
It's Kate. It's Kate. Are you alright?

ALF:
Well, I think so. Aah! Ow!

Brian:
We worried about you.

ALF:
Oh, Brian, Kate, Kate, Lynn! Willie! Willie, I'm back! Bob sent me back!

Lynn:
Who's Bob?

ALF:
My guardian angel. See, I wished I never crashed into your garage. So, Bob took me away from you. And Willie smoked a pipe.

Kate:
ALF, you were just dreaming.

Willie:
We found you in the backyard. You were unconscious. You were sucking muck.

Lynn:
Yeah, you must have knocked yourself out with the croquet mallet.

Willie:
I'm sorry I yelled at you, ALF. We were really worried. We thought you might have.

ALF:
Well, you know I kicked the bucket?

Lynn:
ALF, I couldn't imagine what life would be like without you.

ALF:
Believe me, you don't want to know. By the way, do we have a pool?

Lynn:
No.

ALF:
It doesn't matter. I'm home now. The Maserati's probably not happening either, right?

Willie:
Are you sure you're alright?

ALF:
Hey, what could be wrong?I'm here with my Tanners. Everything's back to normal, just the way I like it. A gift for you, Willie, from the bottom of my heart. [glass shattering] Don't thank me.

Kate:
Hey Jake. Would you like to join us for breakfast?

Jake:
Whatcha havin'?

Brian:
Green eggs and ham.

Jake:
Pass.

Trevor:
[from outside] Hey, Tanners, it's me!

ALF:
Oh, great. Pig outus interruptus.

Willie:
Oh, come on in, Trevor. Well, what's up?

Trevor:
Eh, nothing much, and even if there was, I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems. Raquel just threw me out.

Kate:
Oh, Trevor, I'm sorry.

Trevor:
She called me a slob.

Lynn:
We know.

Jake:
Hey, I didn't tell 'em.

Trevor:
Who did?

Jake:
Uh, I did.

Trevor:
Somehow she got the ridiculous idea that she doesn't love me anymore.

Willie:
So, are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, Trevor? [ALF hits him with a fork] Ow! Uh, leg cramp.

Trevor:
I don't know where I'm gonna stay. Do you know anybody that would kindly put me up for the night?

Willie:
Well. [ALF hits him with a fork again] Ow!

Kate:
You can stay here, Trevor.

Trevor:
Oh, well, thanks. I'll be right back. Come on, Jake. Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.

ALF:
Oh, where does that freeloading sloth get off crashing our party?

Willie:
I don't know, ALF. Why don't you have a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?

ALF:
[in the garage using the phone] Hello, Mr. Littwhack? Uh, did you know that the Ochmoneks are Splitsville? Well, I care. Quick question. Can you put Trevor up for a week? How about a night? Well, when is it scheduled to freeze over? Over 18.

Raquel:
[comes in, angrily] THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HUMILIATING ME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Willie:
What do you mean, Raquel?

Raquel:
Calling everybody about Trevor and me. JUST BECAUSE I OCCASIONALLY MAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS MY BUSINESS DOESN'T MEAN MY BUSINESS IS ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS, SO WOULD YOU MIND MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

Willie:
Well, I certainly didn't tell anyone. I know Kate wouldn't tell anyone. You didn't tell anyone, did you, Kate?

Kate:
Of course not.

Willie:
Kate didn't tell anyone.

Raquel:
Well, somebody told the Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans. SO THE NEXT TIME THAT YOU WANT TO DRAG SOMEBODY'S DIRTY LAUNDRY THROUGH THE SUBURBAN MUD, TRY YOUR OWN. OR BETTER YET, MRS. HOLBUTS. SHE JUST HAD A NOSE JOB, YOU KNOW. [furiously leaves the house]

[Willie comes in the garage and confronts ALF for calling the neighborhood about Trevor and Raquel]

ALF:
What?

Willie:
Do these names ring a bell? The Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans?

ALF:
What was the question?

Willie:
Before I pull every hair out of your neck, I want to ask you something. Did you call those people and tell them about Trevor and Raquel?

ALF:
I decline to answer on the grounds that I need my neck hair.

Willie:
[angrily] YOU JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, ALF!

ALF:
In other words, you disapprove of what I've done.

Willie:
Wholeheartedly. I know that this is an inconvenience for all of us, but what you're doing is just making things worse.

ALF:
You're right, Willie. How could I have been so blind? You know, I've only been thinking of myself.

Willie:
You're not just saying this because of that neck hair business?

ALF:
No, no, I mean it. I've seen the error of my ways and will Endeavor to do better.

Willie:
Well, thank you.

ALF:
No. Thank you, Willie. Thank you. [he and Willie look at each other for a few seconds before Willie goes out, then he uses the phone to call another number] Hello? I would like to order flowers for Raquel Ochmonek.

ALF:
Thank you. Thank you. For those of you who don't know me, I'm ALF. The answer to the burning question who's the only NBC star with more hair than Michael Landon? Yo, Ed. Nice to see ya.

Ed:
Oh, welcome to "The Tonight Show", ALF.

ALF:
Ed was missing last week. So the cops put his picture on a 6 pack of Budweiser. [laughs] Also with us tonight is Mr. Tommy Newsom.

Tommy:
Hi, ALF.

ALF:
After the show tonight, Tommy and I are gonna go out and paint the town beige.

Tommy:
I got a brush right here.

ALF:
Good one, Tom! You hang on to that. Tommy's not dull. He was just weaned on Novocain. Well, I'm glad all of you can get in 'cause it sure was hot out there today.

Audience:
How hot was it?

ALF:
What am I, a thermometer? Hey, we have a fabulous show for you tonight. We've got Joan Embery, Joyce Brothers and a Pope. So stay tuned, we'll be right back.

Ed:
Nice going, ALF. You're 2 for 2. Why don't you get the Pope out here and try for a shutout?

ALF:
Ha! Good one Driver's Ed! Ha! [knocks over Johnny's mug]

Ed:
Ooh! You broke Johnny's cup!

ALF:
Hey, that's nothing. You should see what I did to his dressing room.

Ed:
Boy, you are in big trouble mister.

ALF:
Oh, hey, this isn't trouble, I'll show you trouble.

ALF:
I'd like to thank my guests Joyce, Joan and, of course, Pope. Johnny, sorry about your cup and your dressing room. And the limo. Did I say limo? That wasn't me, just the first two. Good night, everybody! How'd he get those whites so white?

Lynn:
ALF, you scared me. What are you doing?

ALF:
What am I doing? What are you doing? What happened to Randy?

Lynn:
That wasn't Randy, that was someone else.

ALF:
Yeah. Someone who looks like a certain aging substitute novelist. Who shall remain last-nameless.

Lynn:
Ok, so it was Eddie. He just happened to be at the party, see--

ALF:
Yeah, yeah, and I just fell off the garbanzo truck. Come on. This is the old ALFer. What gives?

Lynn:
Okay, I haven't really been dating Randy. I've only been tutoring him for an hour in English each night and then going to meet Eddie.

ALF:
An hour a night? That's barely enough time for Randy to turn his book right side up.

Lynn:
ALF, please, don't tell mom and dad about this yet, ok? I know they'll like Eddie.

ALF:
They just need some time to adjust. Don't tell them? You want me to lie?

Lynn:
No! No, you don't have to lie. Just don't bring it up. That's not lying.

ALF:
Egad! What a loophole.

Lynn:
It's not like I'm never going to tell them. I just, I need to wait for the right moment. You know, like when they're in a really, really good mood.

ALF:
Yeah, well, let me know when that happens. And I'll tell them about the untimely demise of Kate's porcelain ballerina.

Lynn:
You broke mom's porcelain ballerina?

ALF:
Yeah. We were dancing the pas de duex from swan lake, and I dropped her in the toilet.

Lynn:
[comes in] Yes, father? Hello, mother.

Willie:
Lynn, I want you to speak to ALF.

ALF:
Civilly, please.

Lynn:
ALF who?

Willie:
Speak to him or have your telephone privileges taken away.

Lynn:
You want me to speak to him? Fine, I'll speak to him. Have you told mom yet that you broke her ballerina?

Kate:
My ballerina?

ALF:
You squealer!

Kate:
My porcelain ballerina?

ALF:
That was supposed to be a secret.

Kate:
My wedding present porcelain ballerina?

Lynn:
Well, you told my secret first.

ALF:
But that just slipped out.

Kate:
My original, one of a kind, impossible to duplicate porcelain ballerina?

ALF:
Do you know how silly the word "ballerina" sounds when you say it over and over? Ballerina, ballerina, ballerina.

Willie:
All right, everyone, stop, cease, desist. I want you to apologize to each other, and I want you to put all of this behind us. Fine. Lynn, go to your room. You, go to the garage.

Lynn:
Fine. [leaves]

ALF:
Kate, I'm sorry I broke your wedding present. I was going to tell you.

Kate:
Really? When?

ALF:
I was waiting to see if the marriage would last.

ALF:
Did I ever tell you guys about Thanksgiving on Melmac?

Willie:
Oh, yes!

ALF:
Thanksgiving on Melmac wasn't called Thanksgiving. It was called Fappiano. And we didn't eat turkey. Instead, we sat down to a nice, big, juicy, stuffed-

Kate:
Time out! We know exactly what you're gonna say, ALF. And you know that we find that offensive.

ALF:
What was I gonna say?

Willie:
Cat! Big, juicy, stuffed, cat.

ALF:
But now we'll never know, will we? I was always partial to the dark meat.

ALF:
[reading a note] Don't call this number except in an emergency. I wonder if boredom constitutes an emergency. I'll call and find out.

ALF:
[while meeting with Flakey Pete] So we're cool about this alien thing, right? By the way, name's ALF.

Flakey Pete:
Hi, ALF. Name's Pete Finnegan.

Willie:
ALF!

Flakey Pete:
[walks into the kitchen] Oh. Hi Willie.

Willie:
Where is he?

Flakey Pete:
Who? You're little alien guy?

Willie:
If anything, anything has happened to him, you're gonna be-

ALF:
Hey Willie.

Willie:
ALF!

ALF:
Willie!

Willie:
ALF!

ALF:
Willie!

Brian:
[comes home] ALF!

ALF:
Willie!

Lynn:
[comes home] ALF!

ALF:
Willie!

Kate:
[comes home] ALF!

ALF:
Willie?

Lynn:
We were worried sick about you.

ALF:
Really? Were you throwing up and everything?

Kate:
Well, no, but we're very relieved you're alright.

ALF:
Willie, get your camera. We wanna preserve this moment of caring.

Willie:
Never mind about my camera. What are you doing in the house with a stranger?

ALF:
Chatting, snacking, swapping war stories.

Willie:
ALF, this is dangerous.

Kate:
How much does he know about you?

Willie:
Why would you let him in here?

ALF:
He's your friend! And any friend of yours-

Willie:
He's not my friend!

ALF:
You two have a tiff?

Willie:
ALF, haven't I told you this? Never, never-

ALF:
Oh lighten up, Willie. It's Fapiano. Besides, aren't you always telling me that under the skin, or in my case, fur, or in Pete's case, a ratty overcoat, we're all pretty much the same. A little needy, a little insecure, but decent and good.

Willie:
[to Pete] Listen, ALF is stranded here. He doesn't have any place else to go. I know he looks like an alien to you, but he's a member of our family. We've gotta protect him. We can't let anything happen to him. Do you understand?

Flakey Pete:
Yeah. I do.

Willie:
Could you stay and have a little supper with us?

Kate:
It may not be much. In fact, I can guarantee it won't be much, but you're welcome.

Flakey Pete:
Well, thank you, but, I really think I ought to go.

ALF:
[stops Pete from leaving] Oh, please, please, please!, please, please! We've got cold meatloaf and rubber vomit.

ALF:
Can I have Willie's meatloaf, Kate?

Kate:
No!

ALF:
Fine. If Willie isn't home by midnight, then can I have his meatloaf?

[Willie comes in]

Kate:
Hi, honey.

Willie:
Hi, everybody.

Lynn:
Hi, dad.

Brian:
Hi, dad.

ALF:
Can I have your meatloaf?

Lynn:
No.

Kate:
Let Willie answer.

ALF:
Willie?

Willie:
No.

ALF:
Shoot!

Kate:
How was the union meeting?

Willie:
Well, they elected me picket captain. What does that tell you?

Lynn:
Oh, you're going on strike?

Willie:
I'm afraid so. Just the thought of it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

ALF:
Then meatloaf would only make you more queasy. [he was about to grab it but Willie takes his meatloaf away from him]

ALF:
[comes in the room] Question.

Willie:
Perhaps I spoke too soon.

ALF:
Bottom line. I'm concerned about how this strike is gonna affect everyone, especially me.

Kate:
Spoken like a true humanitarian.

ALF:
I know. And I have the solution in 5 simple words, Willie gets another kob.

Willie:
That's 4 words.

ALF:
Good. I ran out of fingers.

Kate:
As a matter of fact, I was just thinking that I should go back to work.

ALF:
[laughs] Good one, Kate!

Kate:
I have always worked, ALF. I sold real estate, by choice, until I got pregnant with Lynn, by choice. I went back to work, by choice, until I got pregnant with Brian, by choice. And I was just getting ready to go back to work, by choice, when we got you.

ALF:
I have a gut feeling I'm not going to hear the words "by choice".

Willie:
ALF, you know we're glad you're part of this family.

Kate:
We are, ALF. Even at this inconveniently late hour.

ALF:
Then isn't it time we made it official?

Willie:
Made what official?

ALF:
My adoption!

Willie:
Oh, I don't even think we can do that. Can we? No, we can't do that.

ALF:
Why not?

Willie:
Well, for starters, there's that species thing.

ALF:
It doesn't bother you that I don't bear the Tanner name?

Willie:
No.

Kate:
ALF, please. Go back to bed.

ALF:
But Kate, if you get a job, who's going to take care of me?

Kate:
Willie will be here.

ALF:
No offense, but Kate, if you get a job, who's going to take care of me?

Willie:
ALF, you're 231 years old. You should be able to take care of yourself by now.

ALF:
You'd think so, wouldn't you?

ALF:
[looking at Willie on the projector] Yikes! It's that girl! Where did you get that shirt? Fredericks of Sri Lanka?

Willie:
It was the 60s, ALF. Those clothes made a statement!

ALF:
Yeah. I dressed in the dark.

ALF:
I came with a peace offering. You want a flower?

Willie:
No.

ALF:
Good. [eats the flower and burps] I came to say I'm sorry.

Willie:
Apology accepted. Good night.

ALF:
I realized I have no choice to sell out. The system is bigger than you are.

Kate:
Well, we're both bigger than you, so leave.

ALF:
Whoa, man. Bad vibrations. [leaves Willie and Kate's bedroom]

Willie:
ALF, your cousin Binky is not living in Barstow. Just consider for a moment the tremendous improbability of an alien from outer space actually living with a family.

Betty:
In all my years of traveling freak shows, I've never seen anything like you.

ALF:
Likewise.

Brian:
[as he gets prepared to be sawed] ALF's gonna saw me in half.

Willie:
Much worse.

[Willie and ALF fight over the saw]

Willie:
You are not going to saw our son!

ALF:
Yes, I am!

Kate:
You are not!

[Willie takes the saw away]

ALF:
But I'm ready for big time. How long does a guy have to toil in kiddie tricks?

Willie:
Maybe until he completes 1 or 2 of them successfully.

ALF:
Maybe he doesn't stand a chance. When all the diagrams favored 5 flavored magicians.

Willie:
Maybe he's gotten into something a little over his head.

ALF:
Maybe at 3 foot 2, everything he gets into is over his head.

Willie:
I'm sorry, I'm late.

ALF:
Don't tell me. That new guy at work held you up again.

Willie:
Yeah. Once that Jim starts talking to us, it's impossible to get away. This time I actually had my hand on the car door before he got me.

ALF:
Who is this guy? The idiot son of the boss?

Willie:
No, he's just an idiot.

ALF:
Well, you better not be late tomorrow night. Or have you forgotten about helping me Put up the satellite dish?

Kate:
What satellite dish?

ALF:
Oh. I ordered a satellite dish. It'll be here tomorrow. Will you help me put it up?

Willie:
I'll help you send it back.

ALF:
Can't. I bought it during their "Absolutely No Refunds What Are You Deaf?" sale.

Willie:
[panicking] Absolutely no refunds?!

ALF:
What, are you deaf?

[Willie and Kate come in the kitchen]

Kate:
ALF! How long have you been out here?

ALF:
Long enough to hate little orphan whiney with every fiber of my being.

Willie:
It's not his fault he's an orphan.

ALF:
Wanna bet? He probably bored his parents to death.

Kate:
Honey, it is time for him to go home.

Willie:
I'm trying, Kate! The man cannot take a hint!

ALF:
See if he can take a swift kick in the butt.

Willie:
Alright, he's taken advantage of us long enough! I'm going to have to be firm with him!

ALF:
"Firm?" Oh-h-h! I haven't you this worked up since the time you were "adamant." [Willie leaves the kitchen] Too rough? [Kate walks away]

ALF:
Remember, Kate, I like my waffles crisp, yet al dente. Cooked to a golden amber, and served piping hot on a gently warmed plate. [Kate puts the waffle on his plate] How does she do it?

Lynn:
Do you want some maple syrup, ALF?

ALF:
On waffles? How gauche. Get me the garlic salt?

Willie:
Guess what? The car won't start again.

Brian:
You just got it fixed.

Willie:
3 times in 2 weeks. Every time they fix 1 thing, something else goes wrong.

ALF:
Well, I don't get it. Why keep spending money on something that doesn't work and causes nothing but aggravation?

Kate:
Somehow we've gotten used to it. [ALF burps] Sort of.

ALF:
Speaking of aggravation we're out of garlic salt.

Trevor:
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! Guess who?

ALF:
Let me take a stab. It's the wacky next door neighbor. [hides under the table]

Willie:
Come on in, Trevor.

Trevor:
Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate. Hi, kids.

Willie:
Hi Trevor.

Trevor:
I just stopped by to see if you needed a ride to work again.

Willie:
Well, as a matter of fact, I do. My car won't start again.

Trevor:
You should let Jake take a look at it. Kid could fix anything, has my car running like Florence Joyner. Oh, by the way, Jake will be doing the driving this morning. I hope you don't mind.

Lynn:
I didn't know Jake could drive.

Trevor:
He can't.

Willie:
I think I mind.

Trevor:
He just got his learner's permit. I'm teaching him. Kid's a natural. 5 days he's been driving, hasn't hit a living thing. We'll bring the car out front.

ALF:
[hiding under the table] Yo, Lynn, you could use a pedicure. [Lynn kicks him from under the table] Ow!

[Willie is fixing the car in the garage and he bumps his head on the car's hood when ALF honks at the car]

Willie:
Ow!

ALF:
Horn works!

Willie:
Thank you.

ALF:
Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident.

Willie:
[sees Jake come in the garage] Oh, hello, Jake.

Jake:
Hi, Mr. Tanner. Hey, ALF.

ALF:
What brings you over, Jake-Speare?

Jake:
Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are showing slides from their trip to Carlsbad caverns. All 400 of them.

Willie:
I've seen those. 216 stalactites. 184 stalagmites.

Jake:
Those are the ones. Still having car trouble, huh?

ALF:
Yeah, but have no fear. It's being handled by Mr. No-Goodwrench.

Jake:
Mind if I take a look?

Willie:
Be my guest. I got a hunch it's the distributor.

ALF:
Well, that rules out the distributor!

Jake:
No, here's your problem. It's the spark plug wire. I'll have it fixed in no time.

Willie:
Well, thanks, Jake.

ALF:
Don't be embarrassed, Willie.

Willie:
Oh, I'm not embarrassed.

ALF:
Not everybody can fix things.

Willie:
I'm not embarrassed.

ALF:
I'm sure there are several things you could do that--

Willie:
I'm not embarrassed.

Jake:
Ok, Mr. Tanner. Start her up when I say now. Ok, now. [car engine starts]

ALF:
Now are you embarrassed?

[car engine stops]

Willie:
Jake, what can I say? Thank you.

ALF:
You never thank me when I humiliate you.

Jake:
You know, I can't be sure, but it looks like somebody cut that wire on purpose, then just patched it together real loose. Has anybody been under the hood lately?

ALF:
Don't look at me. I just honked the horn.

Willie:
Well, I have been taking the car to a new mechanic lately, but I-

ALF:
There's your problem. The guy's a crook.

Willie:
Oh, ALF, don't jump to conclusions like that.

ALF:
No, I saw it on 60 Minutes. These mechanics fix 1 thing, Then they break something else so you keep coming back.

Jake:
You know, ALF could be right, Mr. Tanner. I've heard of that scam, too, on that David Horowitz Show.

Willie:
Well, why don't I just give the garage a call? There must be a simple explanation for this broken wire.

ALF:
Yeah, you got took. Conned. Nicked and clipped. You got your horn swoggled and your film flamed.

Willie:
[on the phone] Hello, Sam, it's Willie Tanner here. Yes, it's nice to hear your voice again, too. Listen, Sam, I wonder if you noticed anything unusual about my car. Uh, engine wise, I mean. Uh, like, say, uh, severed wire.

ALF:
Yo crook! This is Mike Wallace! You're under arrest! [Willie walks away]

Jake:
ALF, shh!

Willie:
No, I'm not accusing you, but it is possible. Not that I'm accusing you, mind, but-but you understand. That's not an accusation.

ALF:
If memory serves Bob Newhart is much funnier doing his phone bit.

Willie:
Well, I guess we have nothing more to say to one another. [hangs up the phone] You know, I'm beginning to think you may be right. I'm gonna call the Better Business Bureau.

ALF:
Have them throw the book at this guy. Preferably something by James Michener.

ALF:
We've found him. We've found Elvis.

Willie:
Oh, good. I was getting tired of looking for him.

ALF:
I'm serious, Willie. The king lives 2 doors down.

Willie:
Oh, come on.

ALF:
Well, look, Raquel said this guy's in his 50s, he has a Southern accent, and he likes to sing.

Willie:
Who else could it be? Willie Nelson, Jerry Lee Lewis, Huckleberry Hound?

ALF:
No, no, no. Those guys would never live next to the Ochmonek's.

Willie:
I give up.

ALF:
I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.

Willie:
I'm not convinced.

ALF:
OK. How about this? Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.

Willie:
ALF, you are grasping at straws.

ALF:
[shouts at Willie] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis. [Willie runs away to the kitchen] Well, at least I got his watch.

ALF:
[pops his head up] Elvis has left the building!

Willie:
It was not Elvis Presley.

ALF:
Are you kidding? He was on that sandwich like red beans on rice.

Lynn:
ALF, he didn't seem like Elvis to me either.

ALF:
Elvis was a brilliant actor. He could play anything from a singing race car driver to a singing deep sea diver.

Willie:
Even if this man were Elvis Presley, and I assure you he's not, he would never admit it.

ALF:
I bet I can get it out of him.

Willie:
[yelling] Leave the man alone! Leave him alone!

ALF:
So what are you saying? Leave the man alone? [Willie and Lynn leave the garage after they ignored ALF's question] I won't rest till I prove this man is Elvis Presley. [yawns] But first, I think I'll take a nap.

[ALF goes to Aaron King's house during his dream about Elvis Presley]

ALF:
Either he's Elvis or Priscilla had a heck of a lawn sale.

[ALF walks around Aaron King's house, but he hides when Aaron King comes home, he tries to run off but he accidentally breaks Aaron King's stuff when he gets a tablecloth stuck to himself]

Aaron King:
What the heck are you?

ALF:
I ain't nothing but a hound dog!

Aaron King:
Hound dogs don't talk.

ALF:
Neither do dead singers.

Aaron King:
Say what?

ALF:
You're Elvis Presley. I knew it! I knew it!

Aaron King:
I'm not Elvis Presley.

ALF:
Right and I'm not an alien.

Aaron King:
Wait a minute. I remember you. You're that talkin' monkey I saw in Vegas.

ALF:
Vegas? You've been to Vegas? That proves it!

Aaron King:
Proves what?

ALF:
That you're Elvis.

Aaron King:
Wait a minute. Let's get back to who you are. Or what you are.

ALF:
Hey, I'll have you know that I'm a superior being from the Planet Melmac.

Aaron King:
There's no Planet Melmac.

ALF:
Well, not anymore. That's why I'm here.

Aaron King:
Can I pet you?

ALF:
Only above the waist.

Aaron King:
[while petting ALF] Man! Are you trying to tell me you're from outer space?

ALF:
Yeah, yeah, but now I live down the block. My friends call me ALF. Boy, "The Enquirer" would sure love a photo of this. Elvis Meets Creature From Space.

Aaron King:
Come on, be reasonable. Why would somebody like Elvis wanna pretend he was dead?

ALF:
I figure you want to be an average Joe in an average town with an average fleet of pink Cadillac's. But your fans wouldn't let you. So you booked that big gig into rock and roll heaven.

Aaron King:
What do you aliens do all day? Look for dead celebrities?

ALF:
I'm so tired of that stereotype. Aliens have many interests. We sit around the house. We eat. We watch TV.

Aaron King:
You sound more like Elvis than I do.

ALF:
Hey, hey, why don't you ring up Ann-Margret and get her over here?

Aaron King:
Oh, sure, I'll just hop over to Graceland and pick up my Rolodex.

[knock on door]

ALF:
Whoever that is don't tell 'em I'm here. Unless it's somebody who knows me. But you'd have no way of knowing that unless we work out a code.

Aaron King:
How about I just don't let 'em in?

ALF:
Good thinking.

Aaron King:
ALF, I've had it with this Elvis thing. Look, I'll prove it to you!

[Aaron pulls out his guitar and starts performing "Heartbreak Hotel" for ALF]

ALF:
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! No wonder your baby left you if you've been singing like that!. Stinkaroni.

Aaron King:
Are you convinced I'm not Elvis?

ALF:
You just need a little more practice, you've been dead for a while.

Aaron King:
Look, I wish I was Elvis buddy, but I'm just a truck driver from Tupelo, and that's as close as I'll ever get to being The King.

ALF:
But in my heart, I will always know you as Elvis. [ALF's dream ends] You are Elvis. You are Elvis.

Willie:
Ok, how about Cameron if it's a boy and Amanda if it's a girl?

Kate:
You know, I was thinking if it was a girl, maybe we could name her after my mother.

ALF:
You want to name her The Witch of Endor? I've got the perfect name, Rin Tin Tanner.

Willie:
You want to name my child after a dog?

ALF:
A noble dog. A brave dog. A dog who saved lives. And if it's a girl, we'll call her spuds.

ALF:
[looks at the baby] So, you're a rugrat. Not very user-friendly, are you? Yeah. We're getting one you bundles of joy pretty soon. Yeah. Yeah. People will be making a big fuss over it. Lynn'll be saying things like, "Uchie Cuchie, Little Mimi". [sneezes] Kate will be bring it baby formula, whatever that is. Brian'll be reading to it. [sneezes] Willie will be changing its diapers, taking it to the movies. And I'll be- [sneezes] Ah, I'll be sneezing my snout straight. I think I'm allergic to this thing. [sneezes]

Lynn:
[as she hears ALF sneezing upstairs] I'll check on that. It was probably the cat. Or the plumbing. Or the cat in the plumbing. Excuse me. [walks away]

Kate:
[holds up a bowl] Bridge mix?

[while ALF sneezes, Lynn comes in the room]

ALF:
Aren't you gonna say gesundheit?

Lynn:
What is the matter with you?

ALF:
I'm allergic to babies.

Lynn:
ALF, that is ridiculous.

ALF:
Oh, yeah? Watch. [sneezes] See, allergic to babies.

Kate:
[comes in] What is going on in here? ALF, we have a house full of guests.

ALF:
I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Motherload. You won't be able to keep your baby.

Kate:
What?

ALF:
I found out I'm allergic to them. But don't worry, I'll make it up to you. [sneezes] I'll get you a goldfish. [sneezes]

Kate:
We will talk about this later. Now, please, get back out to the garage. [leaves]

ALF:
[sniffling] Aw, this is all your fau-, fau-, fau-. [sneezes] Hey, they really are more absorbent.

Jake:
[goes to his room] No thanks, uncle Trevor. I'm not really hungry. I didn't know it was possible to stuff pork rinds. [he opens his closet and throw his cloth inside as ALF gets out of Jake's closet with his face covered with Jake's cloth]

ALF:
Thanks.

Jake:
ALF! ALF, what are you doing in here?

ALF:
I've run away from garage.

Jake:
What are you talking about?

ALF:
Well, I can't run away from home, because I don't have a home anymore.

Jake:
What happened?

ALF:
I'm allergic to babies. Kate's having one, she won't let me sell it. Ergo, I go.

Jake:
You can't stay here, it's too risky. Come on, I'll take you back to the Tanners. [grabs ALF but he refuses to move] You're heavier than you look.

ALF:
I have big bones. So, which side of the bed do you want?

Jake:
ALF, you can't live in my room. What if aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor see you?

ALF:
Good point. Let's get a place at the beach.

Jake:
ALF, we can't be roommates. It just wouldn't work out.

ALF:
We'll get along fine. I'll be the sloppy one.

Brian:
Dad, why do they call these cold cuts?

Willie:
Oh, I don't know. Because they're cold and they're cut, I guess. Cold cuts. Uh, I don't know.

Brian:
Well, what would you call them if you heated them up?

Willie:
I don't know. I don't know nothing.

Jake:
[outside] Yo.

Willie:
Yeah, come on in.

Jake:
Uh, hi, Mr. Tanner. Hi, squirt.

Brian:
Hi, Jake.

Willie:
Hello, Jake. What's up?

Jake:
Well, uh-

Willie:
Something wrong?

Jake:
Not wrong exactly. More like missing.

Willie:
What, did you lose something?

Jake:
Look, I can't come right out and tell you. I said I wouldn't, then I got honor. You name some stuff that could be missing, and I'll tell you whether you're hot or cold.

Brian:
ALF.

Jake:
Hot.

Brian:
I win.

Willie:
How do you know he's missing?

Jake:
I found him.

Willie:
Where is he?

Jake:
My room. Top of the stairs, second door on your right.

[Willie drops the tray on the table and runs out to the Ochmoneks]

[ALF is hiding at Jake's room at the Ochmoneks]

ALF:
Now the room is starting to work for me.

Willie:
[comes in] ALF? What are you doing?

ALF:
All that I can with these pieces.

Willie:
[worried] Come home with me this instant!

ALF:
I am home, Willie. I live here now. Would you give me a hand with that chiffonier?

Willie:
Stop redecorating. What if Trevor and Raquel hear you?

ALF:
Relax, Wilco. They're out in their garden seeing if any of their potatoes look like celebrities.

Willie:
Why would you want to live here?

ALF:
What do you care? You've got Kate, and Lynn, and Brian. And pretty soon you'll have that "B" word.

Willie:
"B" word? What do you mean, the baby?

ALF:
[sneezes] See, that's why I can't live with you anymore. I'm allergic to babies.

Willie:
[sighs] What do you mean you're allergic to babies?

ALF:
Somebody brought one to Kate's shower and put it in the nursery. Soon as I went near the kid, I nearly sneezed up a lung. [sneezes]

Willie:
Well, you're sneezing now. There's no baby here.

ALF:
Well, all I have to do is think about babies and I sneeze.

Willie:
Well, there you are, ALF. You're not allergic! The whole thing is psychosomatic.

ALF:
"Psychosomatic," what's that? A food processor at the Bates Motel?

Willie:
It means you may think that this baby is gonna take your place.

ALF:
Don't try to analyze me, I'm too complex.

Willie:
Well, I'm worried about you, ALF.

ALF:
Yeah. Well, don't bother. I'm no longer a concern of yours. I'm history, vapor, yesterday's old, stinky, smelly garbage with maggots all over it.

Willie:
You know, when I married Kate, I loved her more than anything in the world. And then we had Lynn and Brian, and I found out I love them just as much. But that didn't mean that I loved Kate any the less. And then well, maybe, uh, it's not exactly the same, But, you know, we love ya, pal. We all do.

ALF:
On whose behalf are you speaking?

Willie:
Well, on my own, of course, and Lynn's and Brian's.

ALF:
Yeah? And?

Willie:
And I'm sure Kate, in her own special way, in her own particular way.

ALF:
Her own unique way.

Willie:
She loves you.

ALF:
You mean that?

Willie:
No one, believe me, no one could ever take your place. But if you really think that you'd like to live over here.

ALF:
Well, well, this room and I really aren't in sync, and there's no sink in this room. But-

Willie:
But what?

ALF:
But if I'm to stay at your house, I want to be important to you guys. I want to be a part of things. I want to name your baby.

Willie:
Forget it.

Raquel:
[offscreen] Jake, are you in there?

Willie:
[whispering] ALF, hide.

ALF:
No kidding, Willie.

[Willie covers him with a blanket]

Raquel:
[opens Jake's door and sees the mess from Jake's room] Hello, Willie.

Willie:
Oh, hello, Raquel.

Raquel:
What are you doing here?

Willie:
Oh, I was looking for our cat.

Raquel:
Well, when you're through in here, would you please put the furniture back the way you found it? [leaves]

Willie:
Have a nice day.

ALF:
[comes out] Let's go home and burp the baby.

Willie:
No, the baby's not even born yet.

ALF:
Then let's just go home and burp.

Willie:
[reading a note] Dear family, my imaginary blackmailer called again tonight and threatened to send you all to the imaginary slammer if I don't pay up. I would rather be turned into cream chip beef than to see you go to jail because of me. You're welcome. Anyway, I had to take, the car.

Kate:
[reading a note] Tell Willie to calm down. I'll leave the car on Highway 71 just outside Edwards Air Force Base. Don't worry, nobody will want to steal it.

Brian:
ALF's joining the air force?

Lynn:
That's where the Alien Task Force is.

Willie:
He took the car.

ALF:
Jake. Jake of diamonds. Jake K-L-M-N-O-P. [Jake rolls the dice] Are you still thinking about that girl?

Jake:
Ever since I saw her star in that school play, I can't think of nothin' else.

ALF:
What do they call this temptress?

Jake:
Her name is, Laura.

ALF:
And how does, Laura, feel about, Jake?

Jake:
She doesn't know I'm alive!

ALF:
No problem! You walk up to her and say: "Hi, I'm Jake Ockhmonek, feel my pulse."

Willie:
[comes in the garage] Hi, ALF.

ALF:
Willie, what's another word for beautiful?

Willie:
Attractive.

ALF:
What's another word for attractive?

Willie:
Alluring.

ALF:
What's another word for alluring?

Willie:
Annoying.

ALF:
What's another word for annoying?

Willie:
ALF.

ALF:
That doesn't work. It doesn't rhyme with Oh, Baby.

Willie:
What are you working on there?

ALF:
This is a missive of love onnbehalf of young Jake Ochmonek.

Willie:
Jake, is in love?

ALF:
Disgustingly so. But he thinks of himself as just another scrawny gawky, geeky kid. You remember the feeling, Willie.

Willie:
You better, uh, you better be careful, ALF. You can get into trouble playing Cyrano.

ALF:
Is that like Monopoly?

Willie:
No, I'm talking about "Cyrano de Bergerac." It's a play. I-I've got a copy of it somewhere. It's-it's a classical French play about a man named Christian who falls in love with a beautiful woman but he is too embarrassed to talk to her.

ALF:
That sounds like Jake.

Wiliie:
Exactly. So he gets his friend Cyrano to-to write a letter to the girl for him because Cyrano is-is so gifted and sensitive.

ALF:
That sounds like me.

Willie:
Cyrano's a great romantic but he is ashamed to talk to women in person because he's got a very big, [pause] and they all lived happily ever after.

ALF:
Whoa, whoa! Big-big-big, big what?

Willie:
[struggles] Nose.

ALF:
Huh?

Willie:
Umm, nose.

ALF:
What?

Willie:
Very large nose.

ALF:
Well, why didn't you say so?

Willie:
Well, I thought I, I mean, I, I thought I-

ALF:
You thought I might be offended because this Cyrano guy had a jumbo hooter and I happen to take a husky in snout warmers?

Willie:
Oh, yes.

ALF:
No problem. I'm not that vain.

Willie:
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I, I guess I misjudged you.

ALF:
Thanks, four eyes.

[ALF is cooking his breakfast at the stove]

Willie:
[walks in the kitchen] Morning.

ALF:
Morning, Willie, Kate.

Kate:
Hi, ALF.

Willie:
What are you cooking?

ALF:
It's a surprise.

Willie:
Oh, no.

ALF:
Relax, it's just my June bug scallopini.

Kate:
Hence the crackling noise.

Willie:
You're frying June bugs?

ALF:
Please, Willie. You fry caterpillars. June bugs you sautee.

Willie:
[closes the pan] Go sit. [ALF walks away]

Lynn:
[comes in] Good morning.

Kate:
Hi, Lynnie.

Lynn:
Mmm, what smells so good?

ALF:
June bug scaloppini.

Lynn:
I'll grab juice.

Kate:
ALF, do you have something in the oven?

ALF:
Brian's history book.

Willie:
What?

ALF:
Someone accidentally knocked it into his fish tank, Willie.

Willie:
I didn't do it!

ALF:
I didn't say you did. I did it. So I put it in the oven to dry.

Lynn:
Dad, he's kidding.

[Willie takes Brain's history book from the oven]

ALF:
Oh, no! No! I'm-I'm doomed!

Kate:
You got that right.

ALF:
For Melmackians, It's bad luck to destroy a history book.

Lynn:
You mean bad luck like when you open an umbrella indoors?

ALF:
Worse. Bad luck like jilting a mafia princess.

Lynn:
ALF, that is just silly.

[Kate screams as the pan starts to get on fire]

ALF:
June bug flamb?

Brian:
[sees his burned history book in the sink] My history book is history.

ALF:
My life is history. I'm an accursed Melmackian. I belong in the realm of the- Gosh darned.

Kate:
Gosh darned?

ALF:
Ours was a polite society.

Brian:
I don't get it. Why is it bad luck to destroy a history book?

ALF:
Because Melmacians have a great respect for books. If you destroy a history book, you cheat future generations out of knowledge of the past.

Willie:
That's rather deep for a planet whose motto was "Are you going to finish that sandwich?"

ALF:
Wait. I don't make fun of your stupid planet. Electoral college.

Lynn:
How long is this curse thing supposed to last?

ALF:
I'm looking at 7 years of bad luck followed by 7 years of really bad luck.

Willie:
Who was that at the door, sweetheart?

Lynn:
Danny.

Willie:
Uh-oh. Boy troubles?

Lynn:
Dad, really. You make it sound like I'm 12 years old.

Willie:
Oh, I'm sorry. What's the problem?

Lynn:
Just a little, difficulty with, a guy.

ALF:
And you say you understand your daughter.

Lynn:
Danny can't go to the dance tomorrow night.

Willie:
Oh, what a shame.

Lynn:
I was really looking forward to it.

Willie:
Well, isn't there somebody else you can go with?

ALF:
I think I might be free. I'll check my week at a glance.

Lynn:
It wouldn't be right to get another date. Danny and I are going steady. Kind of.

Willie:
Well, did you exchange socks?

Lynn:
No.

ALF:
Trade bellybutton lint?

Willie:
What exactly are you talking about?

ALF:
The three stages of courtship on Melmac exchange left socks, trade bellybutton lint and spit in each other's soup. Well, you got to admit it's a bond.

Willie:
When did you and Danny decide that you were going steady?

Lynn:
There wasn't one specific moment.

Willie:
But he's not seeing any other girls?

Lynn:
He didn't say that exactly.

ALF:
But he doesn't want you to date other guys?

Lynn:
I don't know. He probably doesn't.

ALF:
So you have no promises, no lint, no spit. What do you have?

Lynn:
If you need me, I'll be in my room.

ALF:
This problem would be solved if she would just hocktooey into Danny's chowder.

Willie:
That's disgusting.

ALF:
Know what's wrong with you, Willie? No sense of romance.

Lynn:
ALF, what have you done?

ALF:
Nothing. It's Danny. You shouldn't date somebody so unreliable.

Lynn:
What did he say?

ALF:
Just that he could make it back in time for the dance after all.

Lynn:
ALF!

ALF:
Don't worry. I told him not to bother 'cause you had another date. You're welcome.

Lynn:
It's not a real date, it's just Randy. Because we're friends and we were not going not together.

ALF:
Don't panic. I not know what not to do.

Lynn:
What?

ALF:
Call Randy, you tell him you have amnesia. Better yet, tell him he has amnesia. He'll buy that. Alright, you tell him the truth. Your boyfriend's back and he's gonna be in trouble. Hey now, hey now, your boyfriend's back.

Lynn:
I was going to explain to Danny that I'm just going with Randy as a friend. Now, thanks to you he's gonna think that I'm seeing somebody else! There's Randy! But don't think this means you're off the hook!

ALF:
[goes into the kitchen] Well, this is the last time I play Kelly Girl for you.

Lynn:
Good! Danny.

Danny:
You, uh, you mind if I come in?

[ALF and Brian are looking at a book about animals]

Brian:
What's this one called?

ALF:
A platypus.

Brian:
It's ugly.

ALF:
Bri, I'm looking for a pet, Not a date to the prom.

Willie:
[walks over to ALF and Brian] What are you guys looking at?

Brian:
It's a book about animals of the world. ALF's trying to decide which one he wants to get for a pet.

Willie:
We already have a cat.

ALF:
But you told me never to play with my food!

Willie:
Why do you want a pet?

ALF:
Why does anyone want a pet? The ultimate in power trips.

Brian:
Bugs him that I'm taller than he is now.

Willie:
Well, power trips aside, there's no room in this house for another pet, just at the moment.

ALF:
Precisely why I'm leaning towards a pet we could keep outside. I.E. you're basic barnyard horse. Here's the '89 Mustang.

Willie:
We won't be getting a horse or any other barnyard. Type animal, for that matter, thank you.

ALF:
Let's wait until after dinner, to broach the buffalo.

ALF:
[wails after the ants passed away] My poor little goombas. An hour ago, they were working at the farm.

Willie:
And now they bought it.

Willie:
[laughs and tickles in his sleep] Kate, cut it out!

Kate:
Huh?

Willie:
Tickling me.

Kate:
No! I'm not touching you.

Willie:
[wakes up and finds ants on him] There are ants on me. There, there are ants in my pajamas.

Kate:
[sees ants on the bed] There are ants everywhere.

Willie:
Yes, yes. I can see that, dear. I'll just get the bug spray.

Kate:
I'll help you. [he and Willie go out from their bedroom] Why are there so many ants in the house all of a sudden? [she and Willie find food in the kitchen that ALF left on the floor]

Willie:
Perhaps these strategically placed dishes of food might give us a clue.

Kate:
Just once I would like to walk into this kitchen and not find something all over the floor.

Willie:
Just go into the other room, Kate. I'll spray in here.

Kate:
Why don't we just burn the place down and start over?

Willie:
That'd be plan B. Plan A is, where's the bug spray?

ALF:
I threw it away!

Kate:
[mad] Why did you do this?

ALF:
Do what? Throw away the bug spray? Or set up the teeny-weeny truck stops?

Willie:
Eventually, you're going to have to explain both so start where you like and stop when I tell you.

ALF:
I'm dedicating my life to the care and preservation of the ant species.

Kate:
If you leave food all over the house, we are going to have ants everywhere!

ALF:
It's the least I can do for them after I wiped out their kinfolk and everything.

Willie:
ALF, inviting the remainder of the Earth's ant population into our house isn't gonna bring back your ant farm.

ALF:
But I'll feel better.

Willie:
ALF, you've got to get over this.

ALF:
I failed to protect my pet ants, Willie. I'm not gonna fail with the general ant public.

Kate:
Trust me, ALF. Your ants stand a much better chance of survival outside of my kitchen.

Willie:
Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Kate:
Nothing doing. This time he's mine.

Willie:
No, wait, wait Kate. ALF might not feel as bad about losing his ants if he just had a chance to say goodbye to them formally like, you know, like a memorial service.

Kate:
A funeral for ants?

ALF:
What a lovely idea. But I don't think it'll help.

Willie:
Well, sure it will, ALF. Rituals are a very effective way of dealing with grief.

ALF:
I'm just not up to it.

Willie:
You'll have a funeral, we'll all come it'll be very touching! And it'll be over, right?

ALF:
Right.

Willie:
In the middle of a picnic.

[ALF is in Brian's room helping Brian pack]

ALF:
Sleeping bag.

Brian:
Yeah.

ALF:
Poncho.

Brian:
Yeah.

ALF:
Mess kit.

Brian:
It's in the closet. I'll get it.

ALF:
Brian?

Brian:
What?

ALF:
What's a mess kit?

Brian:
It's got a knife and a fork and some pans. I got it.

ALF:
Why don't you pack some important stuff, like tacoroni?

Brian:
I don't care. Pack whatever you want.

ALF:
I sense a growing disenchantment with this venture.

Brian:
Huh?

ALF:
How come you don't want to go camping?

Brian:
Can you keep a secret?

ALF:
No, but there's a first time for everything.

Brian:
I'm scared to. It's going to be dark out there.

ALF:
Oh, yeah. But there'll be lots of other kids around.

Brian:
That's even worse. They'll think I'm a baby.

ALF:
Well, just tell Willie, then. He'll take off his glasses, rub his nose, and tell you you don't have to go.

Brian:
I know, but he loves camping. He'll be real disappointed if he finds out I don't want to go.

Jake:
[comes in Brian's room] Where don't you want to go?

ALF:
Camping with the badger scouts.

Jake:
Bright boy.

ALF:
Tell him there's no reason to be scared.

Brian:
That was a secret, ALF.

ALF:
So revoke my security clearance.

Jake:
You know, I never went camping myself, but back in New York, I heard about this one scout troop. They camped in Central Park and were never heard from again. [laughs at Brian]

Brian:
Thanks a lot.

ALF:
Why don't we camp out in the backyard tomorrow night? I'll show you that it's not scary, just boring.

Brian:
I don't know.

ALF:
We'll stay up as late as we want, go to bed without brushing our teeth, eat hot dogs until we're 10% meat by products.

Brian:
Yeah.

ALF:
Come on, B. Live a little. You can come too, Jake.

Jake:
No thanks. I got a life.

Brian:
Might be fun. Sleeping outside.

Jake:
I like ceilings.

ALF:
Breathing clean, fresh air.

Jake:
In Los Angeles?

ALF:
Being right under Lynn's window?

Jake:
What do you want I should bring?

ALF:
Oh, and no more scary stories, Jake.

Jake:
Well, just one more. The headless stockbroker.

ALF:
Forget it.

Jake:
Oh, where's Brian?

ALF:
Oh, no! He's been gleaming hooked!

Jake:
Maybe he's in the tent.

ALF:
Hey, he is in here. He's sleeping.

Jake:
So much for being afraid of the dark.

ALF:
Well, my work here is done. See you at brunch.

Jake:
Wait! What if he wakes up in the middle of the night and sees you deserted him?

ALF:
Cover for me.

Jake:
Come on, ALF. Brian's counting on you.

ALF:
I hate being a role model! Here, sluggy. Here I come. Here, sluggy, sluggy, sluggy. I'll be in my sleeping bag. Good sluggy. Hey, who's gonna tuck me in?

Jake:
Nobody gets tucked in in the wilderness!

ALF:
Well, at least zip me up! [Jake zips up his sleeping bag] Hey, hey, watch the fur!

Jake:
It's for your own protection. We don't want any slugs getting in, do we?

ALF:
Zip it up over my head.

Jake:
Good night, ALF.

ALF:
Good night, John boy.

Jake:
It's right after the stock market crashed. There was this headless stockbroker! [laughs]

ALF:
You know, Jake? There are places you can go for that.

Jake:
Party pooper.

[when the cat is meowing, ALF tries to escape but he is stuck in his zipped sleeping bag]

ALF:
This is the worst night of my life! [tries to get up but falls asleep]

ALF:
Look, there must be some reason Jake never told me about his mother. We're best friends! Blood brothers! 2 sides of the same double-stuffed Oreo. I think in some cultures we'd be considered engaged.

Willie:
Perhaps with you around, he found it difficult to get a word in edgewise.

ALF:
Hardy-har. For your information, Jake tells me everything. About how his father's in jail about how he flunked his last math test about how Trevor and Raquel like to sometimes dress up like Norwegian. [Willie and Kate stare at him] Never mind.

[the doorbell rings]

Raquel:
[from outside] Yoo-hoo! It's Raquel!

ALF:
Yoo-hoo. Tell her we're not home.

Willie:
Bye, ALF.

ALF:
Let her in. I'll pretend I'm a fuzzy lamp.

Kate:
You can pretend that in the kitchen.

ALF:
Fine. Which way is the kitchen? Hey, what do you want from a lamp?

Willie:
Oh, hi, Raquel.

Raquel:
Willie, Kate.

Willie:
Hello, Raquel.

Raquel:
I'd like you to meet my sister-in-law, Elaine Ochmonek. She's Jake's mother. Elaine, this is Willie Tanner and his wife Kate. She's pregnant.

Elaine:
I see that.

Willie:
Gee, it's nice to meet you.

Elaine:
Please, come in, come in. We are so fond of Jake. Oh, well, he talks about his-his friends the Tanners, all the time. Although, sometimes he does stop rather abruptly in the middle of a sentence.

Willie:
Well, don't we all just- Don't we all just do that now and again?

Raquel:
No.

Elaine:
I really appreciate everything you've done for Jake. It's been hard on him being away from all his friends in New York.

Kate:
Oh, he's become like one of the family. Maybe we can all get together sometime while you're visiting.

Raquel:
What a lovely idea. Say, here for dinner, tomorrow 7:30?

Kate:
Uh, well.

Elaine:
Please, don't go to any trouble.

Raquel:
Oh, pish. Kate doesn't mind. Do you, Kate?

Kate:
Pish?

Raquel:
Good. Besides, they owe us a dinner. Not that I'm the kind of a person who would bring that up.

Kate:
7:30 tomorrow will be fine.

Willie:
Nice to meet you.

Elaine:
Nice meeting you.

Kate:
Buh-bye. Bye.

Raquel:
Toodles! [she and Elaine leave the Tanners house and Kate closes the door]

[ALF stands from the kitchen and Willie takes the lamp head off of him]

ALF and Willie:
Fuzzy lamp.

ALF:
[from the window] Yo, Jake!

Jake:
ALF, how long have you been out there?

ALF:
Long enough. For but what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.

Jake:
Yeah? Then how come I feel so crummy?

ALF:
You ate Kate's cooking last night, remember? Anyway, I'm glad you're not going back to New York.

Jake:
I, uh, kinda wish I was.

ALF:
Well, that was really nice what you said to your mom. You know, there's nothing like the love between a mother and child. Except, maybe the love between two florists.

Jake:
Give this back to Mrs. Tanner, would you? And, uh, tell her I'm, we're sorry.

ALF:
So what happens to your mother now?

Jake:
I guess she'll go back to her doctor.

ALF:
Well, I hope he's an eye doctor. This is the ugliest pin I've ever seen! Looks like a blood clot. Ha. Blood clot! Ha! Oh, I kill me. [Jakes closes the bedroom curtain]

Willie:
Oh, come on, everybody. We'll be late. Let's go. I got your tie, B.

ALF:
Don't forget your baseball mitt, Brian.

Brian:
How come?

ALF:
You'll have a better chance of catching the bridal squid.

Lynn:
On Earth, we don't throw Marine life at weddings.

ALF:
Then why get married?

Lynn:
Good point.

ALF:
Hey, Kate! [hands her a stack of Tupperware containers tied with a bow] Give this to the bride with my regards.

Kate:
You're not giving away my Tupperware.

ALF:
Of course I'm not! Tell her to fill it with food! I love wedding buffets.

Willie:
I've rented you these tapes, ALF, to keep you occupied and to keep you out of trouble.

ALF:
Oh, not Ishtar again.

Willie:
No, these are classics. You've never seen these. This one is the Sheik with Rudolph Valentino. And the other one's a film by Charlie Chaplin.

ALF:
Kick the TV, Willie. The color's gone out.

Willie:
No, these are black and white movies, ALF.

ALF:
How am I supposed to see Rudolph's red nose? And turn up the sound. I can't hear the actors. These movies are silent. I might as well be reading.

ALF:
So I say, "Psst, you're eating footwear!" [laughs] I love that scene! Brilliant!

Jake:
It was in a Charlie Chaplin movie.

ALF:
So what, Jake hammer? Haven't you heard the old saying, "Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism"? Suddenly there's a knock at the door.

Jake:
It's Jake Ochmonek, the next-door neighbor.

ALF:
[imitates buzzer] Wrong!

ALF:
[slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey. [opens fridge] Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this? [picks a note off the food and reads it] "ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this? [throws away the note] Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes. [as he does this an earthquake starts] Has the hunter angered the gods? Whoa! Okay, I won't eat pork.

Brian:
[opens the cabinet] I found him!

Willie:
ALF, are you ok?

Lynn:
He doesn't look good.

Kate:
It looks like he's in shock. ALF, say something! Anything!

ALF:
Armageddon! Annihilation! White hot tentacles of doom spit fire! Venom! Screeching! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Ruination ALF! Apocalypsenow! Now-- [Willie slaps him] Thanks, Willie. Now I'm blind.

Willie:
Your eyes are closed.

ALF:
Oh.

Willie:
Here, let me help you.

ALF:
Oh, this may stagger your imagination a whit, but I had nothing to do with this mess.

Kate:
We know, ALF. We know.

ALF:
You do?

Lynn:
We had an earthquake.

ALF:
I see.

Brian:
And it was a good one.

ALF:
What was good about it? Why do we have it? What was it?

Willie:
Well, let me see if I can explain it, ALF. You see, the crust of our planet is made of plates of layered rock that are in continual movement. Now, when the pressure beneath becomes too great, it's released through--

ALF:
Thank you, Mr. Wizard. Kate, the short strokes, please.

Kate:
You remember when Godzilla destroyed Tokyo?

Willie:
Well, that's a rather extreme example, Kate.

Kate:
Look, we just had an earthquake, and we are all fine. We just have to remember to be prepared and follow some basic safety rules.

ALF:
Willie, get the ledger! Kate has more rules!

Brian:
Hi, ALF, what you watching?

ALF:
I'm not watching, I'm studying.

Brian:
Studying what?

ALF:
The petrie method of childbirth.

[a clip from The Dick Van Dyke Show plays]

Brian:
But this is The Dick Van Dyke Show.

ALF:
Exactly. You see, Rob Petrie was the consummate TV father. That's why Ritchie turned out to be such a mensch.

Brian:
Well, dad told me where babies come from and he never mentioned The Dick Van Dyke Show.

ALF:
Your father is a good man but sometimes I think his hefty bag's not twist-tied.

[another clip The Dick Van Dyke Show shows]

Kate:
Brian, I have told you a hundred times not to leave your baseball glove on the floor!

ALF:
Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla!

Brian:
Sorry, mom. How was your nap?

ALF:
Obviously, not long enough.

Kate:
Look, ALF, a woman's body goes through a lot of changes when she's pregnant. She can't always control her emotions. Oh. I'm sorry if I've been hard on you guys.

Brian:
That's alright, mom. Dad says no matter how cranky you get we should just humor you.

Kate:
You can tell your father to take his humor and sit on it.

Brian:
Sure, mom, whatever you say.

ALF:
Hey, hey, just because you're trucking a wide load doesn't mean you shouldn't observe the social graces. You know, the worst Laura Petrie ever did was an occasional, Oh, Rob.

Kate:
Laura Petrie?

ALF:
I'm studying up to help you have your baby.

Kate:
And you're studying,

Brian:
The Dick Van Dyke Show.

Kate:
Of course. ALF, that's very sweet of you to wanna help but in this particular case I think Willie is a little more qualified.

ALF:
Yeah? Then where is he, huh? Answer me that, huh? Where, huh? Where, huh, huh, huh, where?

Willie:
[comes home from work] I'm home.

ALF:
I hate when he does that.

Willie:
Something I should know about?

Kate:
Only if you write for The Alan Brady Show.

Willie:
Nothing I should know about.

ALF:
I'm placing myself at the ready to assist mommy dearest over there with her blessed event.

Willie:
Uh, traditionally, ALF, that's the father's role.

ALF:
Really? On Melmac, the father's role was to stand back and yell, Pull, pull.

Kate:
Don't you mean, Push, push?

ALF:
No. On Melmac, the mother gave birth while the father went skeet shooting.

[ALF goes to Willie and Kate's room in the middle of the night]

ALF:
Honey, it's time. Honey, it's time. [yells at Kate and Willie which causes them to wake up] HONEY, IT'S TIME!

Willie:
What? Whoops!

ALF:
19 seconds there, Wilmington. The baby will be able to drive Kate to the hospital by the time you wake up.

Kate:
ALF, what are you doing here?

ALF:
Labor drill. And it's a darn good thing.

Willie:
No, it's not, it's not, it's a darn bad thing.

Kate:
ALF, you've got to stop all this. The baby will get here when he or she is good and ready. If you really, really wanna help me just, please, relax.

ALF:
Relax, she says. Anyone would think she was the one having this baby.

Kate:
[yelling at ALF] I am the one having this baby!

ALF:
Gee! Calm down, Kate-A-Clysm. All this animosity can't be good for the Tannerlet.

Kate:
Willie, I'm a tired pregnant woman, Willie!

Willie:
I know. I know, dear.

ALF:
You left out fat and cranky.

Kate:
Help me out of this bed, Willie.

ALF:
Well, I know when I'm not wanted. [he walks away from Willie and Kate's bed]

Kate:
[angrily] Oh, ho-ho, you are wanted alright. You just stay right, right there! [throws a pillow at ALF but she misses]

ALF:
Keep this up, Kate, and you'll get no baby gift from me.

[ALF wakes up and gets ready to meet Eric]

ALF:
Holy stork invasion, Batman! How'd that get in here? Willie!

Willie:
[comes inside the nursery] Oh, you're awake. You're finally awake. Are you alright?

ALF:
I'm fine. But that thing in the crib looks an awful lot like a B-A-B-Y.

Willie:
I know. ALF, I'd like you to meet my son Eric William Tanner. We just brought him home this morning.

ALF:
Did I miss something here?

Willie:
You sure did. Lynn tried and tried to wake you up when we left for the hospital but you, you were out like a light. You know, you've been asleep for almost 2 days?

ALF:
You mean, I slept through the whole thing?

Willie:
I'm afraid so.

ALF:
Well, Kate couldn't have waited until I woke up?

Willie:
It seemed impractical.

ALF:
I can't believe it. Guess you guys really didn't need me, after all. I'm such a mokes.

Willie:
It's not that you weren't needed, ALF. It's just that when a woman starts to actually have a baby you're not, needed. You understand?

ALF:
Yeah. I guess so. What are you thinking about, Willie?

Willie:
Oh. I was just remembering the first day we brought Lynn home from the hospital. And then Brian, and now this little guy.

ALF:
I've never seen you this happy. I've never seen anybody this happy.

Willie:
Well, of course I'm happy, ALF. We've helped to create a brand-new life here. I think maybe that's the most important thing a person ever gets to do.

ALF:
Guess I'll never know, will I?

Willie:
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. In all the excitement, I didn't think about that.

ALF:
On Melmac, I never thought much about having kids. You know how it is when you're in your 220s. You think you have all the time in the world.

Willie:
I can imagine.

ALF:
But now, when I realize that it's never gonna be possible for me to be a father.

Willie:
Don't say that.

ALF:
LA's a lonely town when you're the only orange boy around.

Willie:
You can't give up hope, ALF. If it's that important to you, you can never give up hope. In the meantime, we're gonna need your help bringing up Eric.

ALF:
You are?

Willie:
Well, sure, who else is gonna teach him about boo-yah baseball, and pasta polo and other sports involving the hurling of inappropriate objects?

ALF:
Like gerbil hockey?

Willie:
No.

Brian:
[comes in the nursery] Hi, ALF. You finally woke up, huh?

ALF:
Yeah. Hey, guess you got a brother now?

Brian:
Yeah. Mom says it's time to feed him.

Willie:
Okay. Tell her we'll be in a minute, B.

[Brian leaves]

ALF:
[while staring at Eric] Looks like you.

Willie:
Thanks.

ALF:
On the other hand, all white babies look like you.

Willie:
Say hi to ALF, Eric.

ALF:
Hey, Eric. How you doing, Eric? He smiled at me.

Willie:
I'm sure he did.

ALF:
[at home with Eric] So anyway, the Tanners decided I could stay. And here I am. It's not a bad place to live, actually. Kate takes a little getting used to, but you probably already figured that part out. Well, Willie said he needed me to help teach you about stuff. So I thought I'd start with the most important thing, these are the channel control buttons.