ALF, Season 3

[ALF is hiding at Jake's room at the Ochmoneks]

ALF:
Now the room is starting to work for me.

Willie:
[comes in] ALF? What are you doing?

ALF:
All that I can with these pieces.

Willie:
[worried] Come home with me this instant!

ALF:
I am home, Willie. I live here now. Would you give me a hand with that chiffonier?

Willie:
Stop redecorating. What if Trevor and Raquel hear you?

ALF:
Relax, Wilco. They're out in their garden seeing if any of their potatoes look like celebrities.

Willie:
Why would you want to live here?

ALF:
What do you care? You've got Kate, and Lynn, and Brian. And pretty soon you'll have that "B" word.

Willie:
"B" word? What do you mean, the baby?

ALF:
[sneezes] See, that's why I can't live with you anymore. I'm allergic to babies.

Willie:
[sighs] What do you mean you're allergic to babies?

ALF:
Somebody brought one to Kate's shower and put it in the nursery. Soon as I went near the kid, I nearly sneezed up a lung. [sneezes]

Willie:
Well, you're sneezing now. There's no baby here.

ALF:
Well, all I have to do is think about babies and I sneeze.

Willie:
Well, there you are, ALF. You're not allergic! The whole thing is psychosomatic.

ALF:
"Psychosomatic," what's that? A food processor at the Bates Motel?

Willie:
It means you may think that this baby is gonna take your place.

ALF:
Don't try to analyze me, I'm too complex.

Willie:
Well, I'm worried about you, ALF.

ALF:
Yeah. Well, don't bother. I'm no longer a concern of yours. I'm history, vapor, yesterday's old, stinky, smelly garbage with maggots all over it.

Willie:
You know, when I married Kate, I loved her more than anything in the world. And then we had Lynn and Brian, and I found out I love them just as much. But that didn't mean that I loved Kate any the less. And then well, maybe, uh, it's not exactly the same, But, you know, we love ya, pal. We all do.

ALF:
On whose behalf are you speaking?

Willie:
Well, on my own, of course, and Lynn's and Brian's.

ALF:
Yeah? And?

Willie:
And I'm sure Kate, in her own special way, in her own particular way.

ALF:
Her own unique way.

Willie:
She loves you.

ALF:
You mean that?

Willie:
No one, believe me, no one could ever take your place. But if you really think that you'd like to live over here.

ALF:
Well, well, this room and I really aren't in sync, and there's no sink in this room. But-

Willie:
But what?

ALF:
But if I'm to stay at your house, I want to be important to you guys. I want to be a part of things. I want to name your baby.

Willie:
Forget it.

Raquel:
[offscreen] Jake, are you in there?

Willie:
[whispering] ALF, hide.

ALF:
No kidding, Willie.

[Willie covers him with a blanket]

Raquel:
[opens Jake's door and sees the mess from Jake's room] Hello, Willie.

Willie:
Oh, hello, Raquel.

Raquel:
What are you doing here?

Willie:
Oh, I was looking for our cat.

Raquel:
Well, when you're through in here, would you please put the furniture back the way you found it? [leaves]

Willie:
Have a nice day.

ALF:
[comes out] Let's go home and burp the baby.

Willie:
No, the baby's not even born yet.

ALF:
Then let's just go home and burp.