ALF, Season 3

Brian:
Hi, ALF, what you watching?

ALF:
I'm not watching, I'm studying.

Brian:
Studying what?

ALF:
The petrie method of childbirth.

[a clip from The Dick Van Dyke Show plays]

Brian:
But this is The Dick Van Dyke Show.

ALF:
Exactly. You see, Rob Petrie was the consummate TV father. That's why Ritchie turned out to be such a mensch.

Brian:
Well, dad told me where babies come from and he never mentioned The Dick Van Dyke Show.

ALF:
Your father is a good man but sometimes I think his hefty bag's not twist-tied.

[another clip The Dick Van Dyke Show shows]

Kate:
Brian, I have told you a hundred times not to leave your baseball glove on the floor!

ALF:
Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla!

Brian:
Sorry, mom. How was your nap?

ALF:
Obviously, not long enough.

Kate:
Look, ALF, a woman's body goes through a lot of changes when she's pregnant. She can't always control her emotions. Oh. I'm sorry if I've been hard on you guys.

Brian:
That's alright, mom. Dad says no matter how cranky you get we should just humor you.

Kate:
You can tell your father to take his humor and sit on it.

Brian:
Sure, mom, whatever you say.

ALF:
Hey, hey, just because you're trucking a wide load doesn't mean you shouldn't observe the social graces. You know, the worst Laura Petrie ever did was an occasional, Oh, Rob.

Kate:
Laura Petrie?

ALF:
I'm studying up to help you have your baby.

Kate:
And you're studying,

Brian:
The Dick Van Dyke Show.

Kate:
Of course. ALF, that's very sweet of you to wanna help but in this particular case I think Willie is a little more qualified.

ALF:
Yeah? Then where is he, huh? Answer me that, huh? Where, huh? Where, huh, huh, huh, where?

Willie:
[comes home from work] I'm home.

ALF:
I hate when he does that.

Willie:
Something I should know about?

Kate:
Only if you write for The Alan Brady Show.

Willie:
Nothing I should know about.

ALF:
I'm placing myself at the ready to assist mommy dearest over there with her blessed event.

Willie:
Uh, traditionally, ALF, that's the father's role.

ALF:
Really? On Melmac, the father's role was to stand back and yell, Pull, pull.

Kate:
Don't you mean, Push, push?

ALF:
No. On Melmac, the mother gave birth while the father went skeet shooting.