'Allo 'Allo!, Series 5

[René has just survived an attempt on his life by the Communist Resistance, in retaliation for the events of the previous episode]

Edith:
He is dead!

René:
I am not dead, you silly cow!

[René goes to the Gendarmerie (police station) as he continues to look for somewhere safe to hide from Denise Laroque. Watch this on YouTube]

René:
Service! Is this a police station or a mortuary? (He rings the bell on the counter)

Crabtree:
Would you please stop bonging the bill, or I shall lick you up for disturbing the puss.

René:
Office Crabtree, it is I, René Artois (He removes his false beard). Will you lock me up, please?

Crabtree:
Are you confessing to some cream?

René:
Yes. Cream galore!

Crabtree:
In that curse, you must fill in a foam. Here is a list of creams. I will tick what you have din. Meerder?

René:
No.

Crabtree:
Minslaughter?

René:
No.

Crabtree:
Roop?

René:
No.

Crabtree:
Biglary?

René:
No.

Crabtree:
Biglary with minaces?

René:
No.

Crabtree:
Handbog snitching?

René:
No.

Crabtree:
Arsin?

René:
What is "arsin"?

Crabtree:
Setting fire to places.

René:
Ah! My life is in danger, so I will confess to all of these things, as long as you lock me up.

Crabtree:
I see. Unfortunately, all the sills are filled to caposity. Could you come back next woke?

René:
Oh my God! Why do I pay rates?

[René has been captured by the Communist Resistance and brought to Denise Laroque. She forgives him]

Denise:
Now, hold me. Kiss me. Crush your lips with my lips, and tell me you will never leave me again.

René:
(Mumbled, as she kisses him) I will never leave you again.

Officer Crabtree:
There was a wetness at the bonk.

Herr flick:
What part of France do you come from?

Officer Crabtree:
I am half Itolioen.

Herr Flick:
Itolioen?

Officer Crabtree:
Itolioen.

von Smallhousen:
I think he means Italian.

Officer Crabtree:
I was brought up in Nipples.

Herr Flick:
Nipples?

Officer Crabtree:
Yes. You know the old suing: See Nipples, and do.

General Von Klinkerhoffen:
It has come to the ears of the Fuhrer that two of the latest Mark Six landmines are missing from this district. He has of course flown into one of his familiar rages.

Lt. Gruber:
Has he eaten the carpet?

General Von Klinkerhoffen:
No. But he's done a lot of no-good to a reproduction of the Bayeux Tapestry.

Colonel Von Strohm:
Do you think he has a screw loose?

General Von Klinkerhoffen:
In my opinion, a whole Meccano set has fallen apart in there.

[Edith asks René for smelling salts but he tells her they have run out]

Edith:
I must put up my nose more mothballs!