Goof Troop, Season 1

PJ:
[examining the damage to Pete's boat] Whoa, those guys are dead meat! When Dad sees this, he's gonna blow a gut!

Pistol:
[shaking her head] Nah-uh... Betcha this time it's his spleen!

PJ:
Quarter?

Pistol:
You're covered!

[Later, after Pete reacts to the damage to his boat, PJ knocks on Pistol's door and tosses her a quarter.]

PJ:
You were right... spleen.

Pistol:
Hiya, how you doing, nice to meet you, let me shake your hands while they're still attached to your arms!

[Scene:
Max and PJ are ready to crush cans Max's way.]

PJ:
Are you sure this will work?

Max:
I'd stake your life on it, dude!

[Later, after they execute Max's plan to crush the cans]

PJ:
Okay, I lied to my parents once... oh, and I tore the head off my little sister's doll!

Max:
PJ, why are you telling me all this?

PJ:
In case we don't make it, I wanna go with a clear conscience, y'know?

[Max and PJ are in their rooms talking via tin-can telephone after their dads forbid them from seeing each other.]

Max:
Get over here, PJ! We gotta talk!

PJ:
No can do, dude! My dad's watching me... he's got all the exits covered!

Max:
No sweat!

[Max yanks hard on his end of the phone. PJ, who is holding onto the other end, flies out his window and lands in Max's room.]

Max:
Here, Peej, smash this muffin in my face!

PJ:
[confused] Okay, but why?

Max:
It's the only way we can be friends!

PJ:
No, I... I can't do it, Max...

Max:
You're gonna have to, PJ! It's our only hope! If you don't do this, we're gonna... [PJ smashes the muffin in Max's face] ... I think you're getting the hang of it.

Max:
It's not over yet! You've got twenty-three hours and fourteen minutes to do everything you ever wanted to do in your whole life!

PJ:
Even the stuff I'd get killed for?

Max:
What have you got to lose? PJ, you're dead meat anyway!

PJ:
Max? Maybe we oughta try something tamer, like skydiving off the Trump Tower?

Max:
Hey, when my best buddy's looking at life in prison with no parole, I'm not gonna let him miss his last chance to break his neck!

PJ:
NO! NO! Don't operate! Okay, okay, I give, I give. I'M NOT REALLY SICK!!!

Max:
[as a surgeon] Oh, yes, you aaaare!

Pete:
The Ultra Fin Laser Guided Telescopic Fish Finder, oooh sweetheart! That's just where I'd put it! But where am I gonna get the money? Oh wait! I could sneak $100.00 from PJ's savings account, $200.00 from Pistol's college fund. $200 from...

Max:
We're losing the trailer!

Goofy:
Take the wheel, Max!

Max:
But I'm only eleven-and-a-half years old!

Goofy:
That's all right, Maxie... this car is old enough to drive itself!

[Goofy climbs out of, and over, the car to get to the trailer hitch.]

Max:
[giggles] You need a license to do this?

Max:
I'm eleven-and-a-half! Nothing scares me!

PJ:
Except math tests.

Max:
[glaring at PJ] That's different, PJ...

Max:
Peej, on a scale of one to ten, how much does your dad usually like me?

PJ:
Less than zero?

Max:
Dad, did people really used to call you the Skull?

Goofy:
Sure did, Numb-skull!

PJ:
No way! Forget it, Max! You cannot talk me into this one!

Max:
Aww, Peej! Fishing with your dad! What could be more fun?

PJ:
Eating glass! You know what fishing with him is like? Not to mention when I turn green and toss three meals a day!

PJ:
When are we gonna look for treasure?

Max:
Soon as we ditch the dads! New plan...

PJ:
Oh, I hate this!

Max:
You'll love it! [singsong] You get to hit me!

PJ:
[eagerly] Really?

Max:
Yeah! But I get to hit you... first!

[Max hauls back and punches PJ across Pete's boat, then starts to sob.]

Max:
Dad, PJ says Pete's a better fisherman than you!

Pete:
Whaddaya mean lettin' your kid hit my kid just for tellin' the truth?

Gilda:
Here's the bill for all of my time you've taken up.

Peg:
[suspiciously] Bill? What bill?

Gilda:
[shoves Pete out of his seat] Lady, let me tell you about your husband's sense of humor.

Pete:
Pistol, what are you doing? Little bitsy girls can't fly!

Pistol:
[giggling] Oh, don't be silly, Daddy... I'm not flying, I'm landing!

Pete:
Landing? Oh, that's different... LANDING?!?!

Peg:
I wouldn't luau with you if my hula hips depended on it!

Max:
Dad, P.J. and I wanna start a band.

Goofy:
What? Fruit stand? But I just made cuppety cakes!

Max:
No, no! Guitars and amps.

Goofy:
Sorry, Max. But we're plumb outta stamps.

Max:
No, Dad! You're not getting it! We wanna start a band!

Goofy:
Oh... ah-hyuck! You wanna buy a band! Hmm, well... it's OK with me.

[Max turns up the volume on the TV sending Goofy flying back into the kitchen]

Max and P.J.:
Oh, yeah!

Peg:
I know what's wrong. The only thing wrong with that rotten pineapple rind is fishing fever!

PJ:
[gasps] Is that when you break out in fish hooks and your limbs scale off?

Peg:
No, PJ, It's when your bait can of a father tricks you into doing his job so he can take the day off fishing!

Max:
He Tricked him for us?

Goofy:
What?

PJ:
Wait a minute. He wouldn't! Did he?

Peg:
He could... he would... You're right, he did.

Goofy:
Hmm.

Goofy, Max, PJ:
Nah! He didn't. But what should we do now?

Peg:
Now, now, now... fishing fever is a very stubborn disease, so I'm afraid the cure will have to be... drastic.

Goofy:
What?

Max:
He did? Yeah.

Bulldozer Bob:
You are on strike with me.

PJ:
On strike with Bulldozer Bob. Hold it. If he wins, Is he going to be my new father? Forever bad? On strike with Bulldozer Bob? Forever?!

Goofy, Max, PJ:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! What do we do?!

Peg:
Now, now, now... I got the answer, fishing fever is a very stubborn disease, Joining Bulldozer Bob is very good, Yes, indeed, so he can take care of you, but, I'm afraid the cure will have to be... drastic.

PJ:
[in a surgical mask] No, no, no. Don't look now, your eyes can't take the daylights!

Pete:
Hey, wait a minute. Stop! Let me go! [whimpers] I, I tell you the, the only thing wrong with me is my profit margin!

Peg:
[in a surgical mask] Hmmmm! Hmmmm! Mmm-hmmm! A clear case of terminal lazy-Ola, systemic shirk-itis, and a galloping boondoggle-emia. Not a second to lose!

PJ:
I know. I'll look. Hello, what's this? Mail for me? Okay. Wow. Hey, what's in the note? [reading] "Everyone has made me Inheritance boy of the year." Inheritance boy of the year. [as he starts packing, Max starts to sob] Inheritance boy of the year. I've been waiting for this entire moment. And Don't Worry, Mr. G, while I'm gone, I'll have the Federal Department of Advertising Man help you. One more thing. Pete's a better fisherman than you! [laughing loudly] So long, Mr. G! [continues laughing loudly] I did it. I finally did it! I tricked Max! [continues laughing loudly and whooping happily]

PJ:
Here you go.

Voice in the Crowd:
Oh, thank you. Thank you ever so much.

PJ:
What's next on my Inheritance list? Hmm. I don't know what to do. Let's ask Mom. Hey, Mom, can you help me?

Peg:
What is it, Son?

PJ:
I really need your help to tell me what's wrong with Max.

Peg:
I know what's wrong. The only thing wrong with that rotten pineapple rind is fishing fever.

PJ:
[gasps] Is that when you break out in fish hooks and your limbs scale off?

Peg:
No, PJ, It's when your bait can of yours tricks a father into doing his job so he can take the day off fishing.

PJ:
Wait a minute. You're right.

Max:
He Tricked us?

Goofy:
What? He did?

PJ:
I did? I did. But I wouldn't do dare.

Peg:
He could... he would... Oh. You're right, you did.

Goofy:
Oh, he did. Hey, Peg! Somethin' is wrong here! He tricked my son!

Max:
Waaaah!

PJ:
Listen to the Mom, Listen to the Mom.

Peg:
Now, now, now... Thank you for cuing me, however, fishing fever is a very stubborn disease.

PJ:
So the plan is we nab him.

Peg:
Oh, That's a great idea, PJ, yes, indeed, but, I'm afraid the cure will have to be... drastic.

PJ:
The radio. Perfect.

PJ:
What? No, no, no. Don't look now, Dad, your eyes can't take the daylights! Good. Listen to the Radio!

Pete:
Hey, wait a minute. Stop! Let me go!

PJ:
All right, Dad. [gasps] Dad, What's wrong? Tell me.

Pete:
[whimpers] I, I tell you the, the only thing wrong with me is my profit margin!

PJ:
[gasps] Profit margin? Oh, yeah. That's the only thing wrong with you. Why didn't you tell me before? I'll get the profit margin.

Peg:
Hmmmm! Hmmmm! Mmm-hmmm! A clear case of terminal lazy-Ola, systemic shirk-itis, and a galloping boondoggle-emia. Great job, PJ! Not a second to lose!

Goofy:
Me and Max are gonna be numero uno!

Sammy the Horse:
Thank you, Pete. I know it's not going to be the same without the two of them. Your dead inmate and the prison guard. Remember when your dead inmate died, he never changed. Never changed.

Pete:
[imitating Goofy from earlier] Ah-hyuck! Ah-hyuck! Ah-hyuck! This car? Gawrsh, this car's only worth $1.09. Oops! Forgot that spot of rust. Ah-yuck! $1.02. And, gawrsh, oh, gawrsh, don't forget this BAG OF MONEY YOU LEFT ON THE BACK SEAT!

Max:
You know, maybe we're targeting the wrong audience.

PJ:
Eighty-five gallons of sweat later you tell me this?

Pistol:
Dadd-ee? Don't wanna bug ya, jus' a small request, but... can I have a baby brother, please?

Pete:
[distractedly] Sure, sure, candy, ice cream, baby brother, anything... soon as your mother gets home.

Pete:
And they all lived happily ever after; yada, yada, yada! You spuds shouldn't be wasting time in front of the tube! It's summer, for crying out loud's sakes; now go out and get a life! But keep it quiet! The game's about to start!

PJ:
How come when somebody gets three wishes on TV, they always blow it?

Max:
Ah, Peege, they're just cartoons. They don't know any better.

PJ:
I mean, everybody knows you'd just wish for more wishes.

Max:
Well, if you had all the wishes in the world, what would you wish for?

[PJ has struggled to get himself to stand on his skates, and the two start skating.]

PJ:
Oh, man; I'd be the best at everything! I'd be the best basketball player, baseball player, race car driver, and...definitely the best...skater! Whoa!

PJ:
I think our club needs a coordination coordinator!

Peg:
Oh, look! Harold Hatchback's got Miss Spoonerville for his new commercial! I guess some men love their women with mustaches!

PJ:
Oh for crying out's sakes; that spud gets ALL the celebrities! What does he do? Hang out at "Nose Jobs for Less?"

Peg:
Well, it sure beats your ad with Gibblet the Clown!

Peg:
Well, if Spoonerville has any celebrities at all, they're probably out trying to get a tan.

Goofy:
I love show business! [laughs]

Coop Hatchback:
I wanted to thank you guys for counting me in. I was getting pretty bored talking to dumbbells all the time!

Ronald:
HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY FORGOT TO HIRE ME A STUNT DOUBLE!

PJ:
There he is!

Harold:
Now, when we find him, let me ask him about doing the commercials!

Pete:
No! Let me do the talking! After all, I'm a better salesman!

Harold:
What? You couldn't sell a good deed to Mother Teresa!

Pete:
Well, you couldn't sell ice to an Eskimo! HA!

Max:
A mistake! A clerical error!

Goofy:
I don't think so; he says it's from too many video games.

Max:
Six straight hours of Laser Burn. Seven million points and the new Spoonerville world record!

Goofy:
Now, come on, Max. The family photo album's nothing to sneeze at!

[He tries to blow the dust off it, but sneezes and thrusts himself back into the wall.]

Goofy:
Must be lots of pollen in the family tree! [laughs]

Pecos Pete:
HEY! How come every time I walk into a saloon, the music stops?

Pecos Pete:
Real men don't wear glasses!

Mopalong Goofy:
Hey! Give those back!

Narrator:
The sheriff rides on rapid reflexes and keen eyesight. Therefore, if you're having trouble reading this, you probably need glasses!

Mopalong Goofy:
Gawrsh! Now where'd I put that card? [digs for it] Found it! [laughs]