Corner Gas, Season 1

Brent:
Want me to fill it up?

Man:
Sure. You know I've never driven across Saskatchewan before.

Brent:
Well, you still haven't really. About halfway to go yet.

Man:
Sure is flat.

Brent:
How do you mean?

Man:
You know, flat. Nothing to see.

Brent:
What do you mean, like topographically? Hey Hank, this guy says Saskatchewan is flat.

Hank:
How do you mean?

Brent:
Topographically, I guess. He says there's nothin' to see.

Hank:
There's lots to see. There's nothin' to block your view.

Brent:
There's lots to see. Nothin' to block your view. Like the mountains back there. They're uh... Well, what the hell? I could've sworn there was a big mountain range back there. Juttin' up into the sky all purple and majestic. I must be thinkin' of a postcard I saw or somethin'. Hey, it is kinda flat, thanks for pointin' that out.

Man:
You guys always this sarcastic?

Brent:
Nothin' else to do.

Hank:
There's freaky abstract art on the walls, and she put these weird cloths on the table.

Brent:
You mean tablecloths...

Hank:
It's too much. She's turned the coffee shop into a gay bar.

Oscar:
Who is?!

Hank:
Oh yeah, well I got two words for ya. Boycott! I'm gonna put this place outta business.

Brent:
Hank if you had the power to put companies outta business by just not being a customer, why am I still able to buy mouthwash.

Wanda:
Yeah and deodarent.

Emma:
Clean underwear.

Brent:
Books.

Wanda:
Pants that fit.

Emma:
Nail clippers.

(Hank walks away)

Brent:
Dandruff shampoo.

Wanda:
Uummm...dental floss.

Emma:
Toilet paper.

Oscar:
Pickup trucks.

Emma:
(Groan).

Brent:
You don't know what we're doing do you dad.

Oscar:
Shut up.

Lacey:
I mean come on, a boycott? Look, I'm not clubbing baby seals and I'm not using Honduran children to make sneakers.

Hank:
You could be clubbing baby seals with Hondurian children; I don't care about that!

Oscar:
(to Emma)Your son is turning the gas station into a movie theatre!

Brent:
Bear in mind that Dad has a tendency to overstate things.

Oscar:
I have never overstated a single thing in the history of the planet!

Brent:
Well, you're not in Toronto anymore, Lacey, with your grande-mocha-dappo-loppa-frappochinos! This is Saskatchewan! Tommy Douglas fought the federal government for free refills on coffee.

Brent:
Well it's not just you. Dad's cranky, I saw him one time yell at a butterfly. Called it a 'sonofabitch', told it to get out of his garden.

Marvin Drey the Taxman:
I can appreciate that you don't wanna help me. I get that a lot, sometimes I get outright hostility. Just because of my job.

Brent:
Well, no offence but I mean I can't just turn over my father. There's a bond between father and son that's strong and sacred.

Oscar:
Hey, idiot! You left the lid on the dumpster up last night! Crows have scattered garbage all over the place and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up. It'll be you out there on your hands and knees scrapin' up crow crap!

Brent:
I'll tell you whatever you need to know.

Oscar:
Davis just gave me a parking ticket. What's he trying to pull? My taxes pay his salary!

Brent:
Geez, Dad, you gotta stop paying everyone's salary. You're only one man.

Oscar:
Why'd you come in person? You ever hear of a telephone? It's a handy invention; I'll show you how it works sometime.

Marvin Drey the Taxman:
We did call.

Oscar:
You did not!

[flashback, Oscar is on the phone]

Oscar:
What'd you call me on the phone for?! My taxes paid for this call! You got something to say, you come here and say it in person. Get in the car, you ever hear of a car? It's a handy invention; I'll show you how it works sometime!

[He slams the phone down.]

Emma:
Who was that?

Oscar:
I don't know, some jackass.

Marvin Drey the Taxman:
I just need to speak to your father to verify a few things.

Brent:
I don't think he's here. I think he went to Hawaii.

Marvin Drey the Taxman:
Hawaii?

Brent:
Not Hawaii. Somewhere cheaper than that. Red Deer.

Wanda:
Here's an obvious question. Have you even tried looking for the papers?

Oscar:
Here you go, jackass. Read 'em and weep!

Marvin Drey the Taxman:
Jackass?

Brent:
It's not just you. Remember the butterfly.

Hank:
Plan 'B'.

Oscar:
What the hell are you doing?! Those are the real papers! Jackass!

Brent:
See? It's not just you.

Brent:
No fear. You know where I read that?

Lacey:
Where?

Brent:
On the T-shirt of a kid working down at the co-op. He didn't let fear stand in his way. He stood there bravely bagging onions.

Hank:
I don't even want to get into your pants.

Brent:
And you're not going to with that kind of whining.

Lacey:
If I start a Pilates class, will you join?

Brent:
That depends.

Lacey:
On what?

Brent:
On what is Pilates?

Lacey:
Oh okay. Pilates is a method of unifying your mind and body...

Brent:
You lost me.

Lacey:
Oh, come on Brent. Don't you wanna unify your mind and body?

Brent:
No, I'm not gonna put all my eggs in one basket!

Karen:
He's going one twenty!

Davis:
Yep.

Karen:
Aren't you gonna pull him over?

Davis:
Nooo.

Karen:
Why not?

Davis:
I can't move right now.

Emma:
A child's mind is their strength and their weakness.

Brent:
You're like Yoda.

Emma:
I don't know what that means.

Brent:
Do you have any books about child psychology?

Alice:
About what?

Brent:
Child psychology.

Alice:
Chives on top of me?

Brent:
Yes, that's right, Alice. I want a book about chives on top of you.

Oscar:
Are you saying I'm that easy to distract?

Emma:
Look Oscar, this spoon's dirty. (holds up spoon)

Oscar:
Really? (Oscar snatches the spoon and cleans it)

Davis:
At least I'm not...

Karen:
Blonde? Thin? Pretty?

Davis:
I'm pretty...

Hank:
I stand by my work... had I done it.

Davis:
I was young and bored, thin and pretty.

Wanda:
What the hell happened?

Davis:
How much did it cost to get these pictures blown up?

Karen:
K, but look the water towers unmarked.

Davis:
You got 'em dry mounted, that's like twenty bucks each.

Karen:
Why would someone paint grad 68 if it wasn't 68?

Davis:
I don't know but if you figure that out you'll be halfway to I don't give a damn.

Karen:
What we have to consider is who, and why.

Davis:
And...Who cares.

Lacey:
Yeah, Brent. Why don't you look Fitzy's grandma in the eye and give her one good reason this town can't build a great big dirty hoe.

Oscar:
I didn't know whether to tell you this or not, but someone in town has a crush on me.

Emma:
A crush...on you? You couldn't get a dog to lick you if you were covered in gravy.

Oscar:
What the hell are you talking about? Dogs lick me all the time.

Emma:
So who's got a crush on you? Is Helen Keller back in town?

Brent:
Are you alright dad, did you get hit by a grain truck(smells Oscar)or a garbage truck yeesh.

Wes:
World's biggest gopher.

Hank:
No, stumpwood already has the worlds biggest gopher.

Lacey:
Well how big is it.

Hank:
I don't know exactly, but its head's made of a volkswagon.

Lacey:
That's a big gopher.

Emma:
You're going to the doctor.

Oscar:
Over my dead body!

Emma:
That'd speed things up.

Karen:
Do you know how fast you were going back there?

Stephen:
Uh, ninety-seven?

Karen:
Oh, that's a relief, radar gun's workin'.

Emma:
You're going to the doctor Oscar, and that's the end of it.

Brent:
Yeah, that's the end of it. What are we talking about?

Emma:
Your father won't see a doctor.

Oscar:
He's just gonna poke and prod me because he can. I know it. They get you there so they can touch you all over the place.

Brent:
(sarcastically) Yeah, that's why most people go to med school: so they can feel up old men. (to Wanda) You know, legally.

Oscar:
Plumbers in lab coats.

Emma:
You love plumbers.

Oscar:
There's no upside to me going to the doctor. I'm an old man. So what are they gonna tell me? The best case scenario is they tell me I'm an old man.

Brent:
Dad.

Oscar:
He's just gonna make something up. Tell me I'm sick, then I'll get sick and drop dead.

Brent:
You're confusing doctors and hypnotists. Dad, look, you're going to be around for a long time.

Oscar:
How can you be so sure?

Brent:
Because I've angered the karma gods and you're my punishment.

Oscar:
A guy my age goes to the doctor and everyone's gonna assume he's gonna get one of those little blue pills. Everyone in town is gonna be saying how I can't get it...

Brent:
(disgusted) Dad!

Emma:
What's he talking about?

Brent:
Viagra.

Emma:
Oh for pete's sake! Well, if you're going there anyway, you might as well ask.

Brent:
Agh, Mom!

Hank:
I was just gonna suggest a good old fashioned beating. Or we put on the cloaks and pretend to sacrifice him for the crops, you know, scare him off.

Mrs. Jensen:
When your father ran the place, the customer was always respected.

Oscar:
Hey, jackass, stop talking to this old wingnut and come pump my gas!

Brent:
Well, he's a people person.

Brent:
Aw did you have to use the scary santa.

Brent:
That thing gives me the heebee-Jojeebees.

Wanda:
What, its festive.

Brent:
Yeah, the way human sacrifice is considered festive in some cultures.

Wanda:
If anyone wants to give Oscar $1.20 to shut up about the bottle thing, he's in the corner.

Oscar:
I'm a senior!

Wanda:
Now, I just need to finish the set design. I'm thinking something shiny. Bright colours, red, green, flashing lights...

Brent:
So, old Christmas decorations.

Wanda:
Yeah!

Brent:
Fine, you deck the halls but I'm not donning any gay apparel.

Wanda:
Okay.

Emma:
Well Carl Jung says that we all have a shadow figure a...a kind of nemesis. In fact I actually found mine.

Brent:
What'd you do?

Emma:
I married him.

Brent:
Jeez dad, did you mix this in a skidoo boot or a crowsnest?

Oscar:
Ya sissy. It's like a Belgian beer

Carl:
Not the Belgium I've been to.

Brent:
I suppose you've been to the good Belgium?

Emma:
Brent!

Lacey:
You know what, I-I can't, I'm driving.

Brent:
Honest to God dad, it tastes like you beat a skunk to death with a salmon.

Davis:
Do you think my new cell phone is small?

Karen:
I don't know.

Davis:
Brent's got a smaller one. I mean I wasn't looking at it on purpose, he had it out and I just glanced at it.

Karen:
Right.

Davis:
But mine is small right? I mean how small would you say is normal? You get an inaccurate idea because you see smaller ones in movies and magazines and stuff. But for a normal person's cell phone mine is small, smaller than average.

Karen:
I don't think anyone really cares as long as it works.

Brent:
No, Dad, I didn't lose it. ...How could I be talkin' to you on it if I had lost it?

Lacey:
Karen, I'm glad you're here. Look, we need to talk about the book club.

Karen:
I thought the first rule of book club was you don't talk about book club.

Lacey:
That's fight club.

Karen:
What do you know about fight club?

Lacey:
Right now we're reading Life of Pi.

Hank:
Oh, a detective novel.

Lacy:
What?

Hank:
You know, PI. Private investigator.

Brent:
I love books. I'm a voluptuous reader.

Brent:
It would never rain in Dog River if I could squeegee the sky...

Brent:
It's not childish. Hey, is poop face hyphenated?

Karen:
I can't believe you're sending me in without back-up.

Davis:
It's just a fishing trip, Karen.

Karen:
But it's with Hank, twelve hours, killing fish.

Davis:
If it gets to you, you don't have to kill 'em, just throw 'em into the lake.

Karen:
I wasn't worried about the fish.

Davis:
I wasn't talking about the fish.

Emma:
Hey Brent. Where do you keep the canned pasta?

Oscar:
Not canned pasta, Alphaghetti! Her memory's going.

Emma:
I remember. You want Alphaghetti.

Oscar:
If you remember, then why did you bring home Dinoghetti?

Emma:
What difference does it make?

Oscar:
You can't spell with dinosaurs!

Brent:
The Alphaghetti's over by the-

Oscar:
I know where it is! I'm still playing with a full deck.

Emma:
I don't know why you insist on Alphaghetti, you won't even eat the Es.

Oscar:
Oh! Everyone knows you don't eat the Es!

Emma:
Then why are they in there?

Oscar:
Because they're in the alphabet. You'd know this, if your memory wasn't going.

Emma:
Come on Oscar. Let's go home, I'll make you some Alphaghetti.

Oscar:
I want the kind with dinosaurs!

Karen:
I didn't sleep with Hank!

Brent:
The sign! I just saw the sign!

Lacey:
What kind of sign? The sign of the times?

Wanda:
The first sign of trouble?

Lacey:
The sign of the apocalypse?

Brent:
No, and for the record, if I do see a sign of the apocalypse, I will say "The Sign is Nigh."

Sign:
COME FOR THE OIL CHANGE STAY FOR THE GREASE

Brent:
Hey, what do you think of my new slogan?

Lacey:
I'm changing the sign.

Brent:
Come on, it's a joke! People like that kind of thing. Plus, I was careful to choose a slogan where the letters couldn't be rearranged to spell anything embarrassing.

Wanda:
What slogan?

Brent:
"Come for the oil change, stay for the grease."

Wanda:
"Choose Glenn Fry for a ménage à trois."

Wanda:
Don't bother checking it, it's right. Another option would be: "My thighs are hot for goat felons."

Davis:
Uh... I came to use your skate sharpener.

Oscar:
Getting ready for the season opener, eh? Geez, I can't wait.

Davis:
I heard we almost lost Brent.

Oscar:
What do you mean?

Davis:
The Stonewood Saints asked him to play for their team.

Oscar:
They what? Sons of... How would they like it if we went there and burnt down their rink?

Karen:
That genuinely seems like an appropriate response to you?

Rocket Ronnie:
Over-celebrating a bit for a tie, aren't we boys?

Hank:
You're just upset because you didn't win! You poor tie-ers!

Brent:
Yeah, sleep well tonight knowing you don't suck less than we do!

Dog River Howler:
River dogs almost win!

Brent:
They're frightened and confused by the weird newness.

Lacey:
They're ranklin' at the weird newness.

Wanda:
It's a premature! [meaning offside]

Emma:
Did you turn it off?

Oscar:
Yes I turned it off.

Emma:
I think it's having a seizure.

Oscar:
It's okay the carbs just sucking on the fuel pump.

Emma:
I feel like we should shoot it.

Oscar:
I'll remember that when you start coughing.

Emma:
If I ever make sounds like this I'll welcome the bullet.

Davis:
[after losing the Grey Cup tickets] Well, I'll have to go to a scalper.

Karen:
Isn't it weird for you to go to a scalper?

Davis:
Why? Because I'm a Cree man? I resent that!

Karen:
Because you're a police officer and scalping tickets is illegal.

Davis:
Oh yeah.

Hank:
Hey Oscar, does your friend Russell like to lie on the kitchen floor with a phone in his hand?

Oscar:
No.

Hank:
Then either this guy ain't Russell, or your friend Russell's dead.

[Oscar runs over and sees Russell is dead.]

Oscar:
Told ya he was here.

Hank:
Jeez! Next time why don't you just throw a snake at me!

[Lacey]:
It's not pink... it's dusty rose.

Brent:
Hurts, don't it?

Lacey:
Why do they make cars out of metal? They should know that there’s a certain percentage of children that are evil.