30 Rock, Season 4

[A waitress brings Jack, Liz, Tracy and Jenna food]

Jenna:
What is this?

Liz:
Alright, Cheesy Blasters! [sings] You take a hotdog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza - You got Cheesy Blasters! [spoken] And then all the kids say "Thanks, Meat Cat!" and Meat Cat flies away on his, um, skate board.

Jack:
We'll trick those racecar-loving wide-loads into watching your lefty homoerotic propaganda hour yet!

Jack:
I like you, Kenneth, but you do not want to mess with me right now. I am in the middle of a RAGING PERIOD... of economic turmoil.

Jack:
Every division of the company is reaching out to the middle of the country. Our new mammogram machine is called the "Git 'R Done 2000".

Liz:
I did Big Sister in college. That little girl taught me how to use tampons.

Tracy:
A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory.

Jack:
Lemon, let me tell you a little story. It was 1994, and I was ice climbing when I fell into a crevasse and hurt my leg. There was only one way out, so fighting every natural instinct I have, I did the thing I hated the most. I climbed down into the darkness. And when I came back to camp, I went to the person who cut my line and said, "Connie Chung, you saved my life."

Tracy:
Orange and black decorations? Is this Halloween, or Princeton Parents' weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin...

Kenneth:
It's Halloween, sir.

Tracy:
Proud it is.

Frank:
Tracy, did you hear? Fred Dawkins, the incredibly overweight guy Pac-man was based off of, died.

Tracy:
I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.

Jack:
Good God, Lemon, your breath! When did you find time to eat a diaper you found on the beach?

Jack:
The television audience doesn't want your elitist, east coast, alternative, intellectual, left wing…

Liz:
Just say Jewish Jack, this is taking forever.

Jack:
That's what I'm talking about, empathy. It's about as useless as the Winter Olympics... this February on NBC.

Jenna:
It's going to be a disaster! Like Katrina! Do you remember Katrina, that crazy girl from hair and make-up?

Jenna:
He's evil, Tracy!

Tracy:
He's evil Tracy? Oh, "He's evil" [comma], "Tracy."

Liz:
Do I look okay?

Cerie:
That's exactly how you look.

Kenneth:
Mr. Baker wants to do everything for himself. I feel about as useless as a mom's college degree.

Jenna:
Drama is like gay-man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes.

Tracy:
What made you change your mind?

Jack:
Tracy Jr. made you an acrostic.

Tracy:
Well, I hope he made me an acrosse helmet so I don't get hurt playing acrosse! [seeing Jack's confused stare] Now come on, that's pretty solid for a guy who just came out of an hallucination.

Jack:
What have children ever done for us?

Kenneth:
Well, they make our shoes and wallets.

Jonathan:
Sir, a Mr. Adouche is on the phone? I. M. Adouche.

Jack:
I am a douche? [winces] Banks!! [picks up phone] What do you want?

Devon:
Did you say it?

Jack:
No, I knew right away.

Jack:
Moron says what?

Devon:
What?

[Jack snickers and closes the phone]

Devon:
Moron says what? Jack? ...Jack?

Jack:
Weird... in a good way. Like going to the gym drunk.

Tracy:
Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why: it's because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.

Liz:
Really - you want to exchange creative gifts? Oh, well, you are the one that's in trouble now, buddy, because creativity to me is just like... like a... bird, like a friendly bird, that embraces all... ideas, and just like, shoots... out of its eyes, all kinds of beauty.

Jack:
Wow, Lemon, this is like watching Hemingway write. Mark Hemingway.

Liz:
No, Jack. You were just talking about how you miss office hookups. That is a double standard.

Jack:
Calm down.

Liz:
I won't calm down. Women are allowed to get angrier than men about double standards.

Danny:
She has really thin lips, but she makes up for it with tongue girth.

Liz:
Ugh, I hate January. It's dark and freezing and everyone's wearing bulky coats; you can do some serious subway flirting before you realize the guy is homeless.

Liz:
So what's going on with you and Nancy, anyway?

Jack:
We're just friends. It's platonic. I have elaborate fantasies of her husband dying in a boat explosion.

Avery:
Who is number one in your speed dial?

Jack:
BlackBerry, Warren Buffett. iPhone, Jimmy Buffet.

Avery:
Favorite movie?

Jack:
Tie -- The Fountainhead or Uncle Buck.

Liz:
If I die, my ghost is gonna haunt you!

Frank:
Then your ghost is going to see some disgusting stuff.

Jenna:
Future husband? Who did you put in your address book as "Future Husband"?

Liz:
I have absolutely no idea.

Jenna:
Well, whenever I find something weird in my cell phone, I can usually trace it back to last time I was drunk.

Liz:
Oh my God, the dentist's office!

Jenna:
Your dentist gets drunk with you, too?

Jack:
He built GE into the greatest company on Earth, and the Earth into one of the top three planets in the universe!

Tracy:
It's like a black barbie doll in Arizona - nobody's buying it!

Liz:
Just embrace the fact that you are lucky enough to be a happily married man. I mean, I'm actually jealous of you. You've got stability, a great marriage, devoted kids. You know what I have? A Sims family that keeps getting murdered.

Wesley:
So does this mean you've come to your senses? Are you ready to settle, and become Mrs. Snipes?

Liz:
No. I wanted to tell you to your face that I know that I can do better than you. And I'm never going to be Mrs. Snipes. [beat] Hang on, is your name Wesley Snipes? That is insane.

Wesley:
[annoyed] It's insane that the actor Wesley Snipes has that name! Look. If you saw a picture of him, and a picture of me, and you were asked "Who should be named *Wesley* *Snipes*?" You'd pick the pale Englishman every time! Every time, Liz!

Jack:
Lemon, the grown-up dating world is like your haircut. Sometimes, awkward triangles occur.

Liz:
I feel like you've been saving that one.

Jenna:
Jerem! Look how drunk I am and how full of cheese my mouth is!

Jerem:
That's not that much cheese.

Jerem:
I'm Jerem! I collect posters!

[On the phone]

Tracy:
Parties are like frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction, and then your kid will fall into a quarry.

Liz:
What?

Tracy:
Don't throw a party for vengence. It will turn on you... like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.

Liz:
There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party 'cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory.

Tracy:
This is bad, because I can't change. I'm like a chameleon, always a lizard!

Kenneth:
Badger, it's another Badger, the third Badger has taken the bait.

Liz Lemon:
Why is everyone codenamed Badger?

Kenneth:
I thought you said you wanted to do it this way.

Liz Lemon:
No, I said I didn't care.

Liz Lemon:
Word of advice: If the will says you have to spend the night in a haunted house you better hope that everyone else there is black guys and sluts.

Buzz Aldrin:
I'm sorry if I upset you. Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?

Liz Lemon:
Yes, please.

[Both turn to the moon]

Buzz Aldrin:
I own you!

Liz Lemon:
You dumb moon!

Buzz Aldrin:
I walked on your face!

Liz Lemon:
Don't you know it's day? Idiot!

Tracy:
I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's. The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor - generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo... they were very drunk.

Wesley:
I don't want to go back to England. I can't suffer through the London Olympics - we're not prepared, Liz. Did you see the Beijing Opening Ceremonies? We don't have control over our people like that!

Jack:
The world is made by those who control their own destiny. It isn't made by those who don't do, it's made by those who do do. Which is what made me the man I am, I do do.

Liz:
Yeah, you do.

Jack:
Grow up, Lemon.

Wesley:
Fine, it's your loss. There's only one Wesley Snipes in the world.

Liz:
You know there isn't!

Wesley:
Ugh!