8 Simple Rules, Season 1

Paul:
So Rory, what do you like most about James Bond?

Rory:
Hmm...I like that he has a license to kill.

Paul:
(hears car horn) Me too.

Kyle:
(answering cell phone) Wassup my brotha from anotha motha?

[Bridget walks downstairs dressed in tight pants and a short shirt]

Paul:
Uh, Bridget, why are you dressed like that?

Kerry:
Must be casual sex day at school.

Bridget:
Hey, at least I get...

[Paul turns to Bridget]

Bridget:
...look good.

Paul:
Okay, Cupcake, I think you missed the word "under" in underwear because I can see your bra and that slingshot you're wearing under your pants.

Bridget:
It's a thong.

Paul:
It's floss.

Bridget:
I can't wear anything else. Panty lines - Hello?

Paul:
Panty lines - Hello, are fine. Actually they were a pretty big deal in my day.

Bridget:
Well, we're the thong generation.

Paul:
Well, maybe that's why your generation is so angry. You're walking around with a wedgie.

Bridget and Kerry:
(both yelling at each other) I'm gonna kill you!!

Paul:
Girls don't kill each other. (the girls still yell at each other; Paul waits a moment) At least I said it.

Bridget:
No, Dad, it was coral. I can't wear a coral. I mean look at me. Hello, I'm a summer.

Paul:
Does everyone have a cell phone? How much am I paying for these?

Bridget:
Dad, you get the phones for free.

Cate:
I just got here. I forgot to pick up my allergy medicine. Do you think you can drop by the pharmacy?

Paul:
Oh man. You know I hate picking up that stuff.

Cate:
No, no, no. It's really allergy medicine this time.

Cate:
Keep Bridget off the phone and out of the mall.

Paul:
I'm a man, not a miracle worker.

Paul:
I do care, Kerry and I'll care even more when the game is over!

Kerry (to Bridget):
Could ya take the fashion show outside? Those of us who can are trying to read.

Paul:
Mom also said I was ready for fatherhood.

Kerry (when Bridget tells them her new beau Travis is a Basketball player):
He's a baller.

Travis:
Holla.

Kerry:
Holla back, brotha.

Travis:
Uh-huh.

Paul:
Come on Cate, dance with me.

Cate:
Oh, no, I'm not going to embarrass my daughter.

Paul:
Fine, I'll dance by myself.

Paul:
What's it called when you're damned it you do, damned if you don't? Fatherhood.

Paul:
Bridget, wipe your feet and take off the boy.

Rory:
Can I sit in the cart?

Cate:
No!

Kerry:
He thinks of me as some sort of virgin spinster, like Miss Havisham.(Bridget has a confused look on her face) Great Expectations…? (Bridget’s still confused) Charles Dickens…? (Bridget’s still confused) A book…?

Bridget:
She’s in bed with him, and you do nothing?

Kerry:
We’re on a bed, not in a bed. Learn a preposition.

Paul:
Is my little girl a cheerleader?

Paul:
I'm a little stunned. Why would Kerry even want to be cheerleader?

Cate:
Same reason you wanted to be a cheerleader.

Paul:
Yell captain.

Kerry:
I can't believe you're encouraging your daughter to join the airhead squad. Aim high!

Paul:
They're not all airheads, Kerry.

Kerry:
No, some of them are potheads.

Cate:
Paul, give it a rest. You can't make the kids play with you.

Paul:
Play with me? They live in my house and don't even like me. They're not kids. They're cats.

Bridget:
Dad, do we really have to spend the night in that stupid treehouse again? We do it every single year.

Cate:
Every single year.

Paul:
Come on. It's our last Halloween tradition. Don't grumble, Bridget. You and Kerry won't trick or treat with me anymore, so now it's just Man With Ax In Head and Little Man With Ax In Head.

(As Paul is reading a parenting book)

Cate:
So what's the sudden interest after all my years of begging?

Paul:
Well Cate, I just figured it's time. Our daughters are maturing and you know it would be foolish of me not to use expert resources available right at my fingertips.

Cate:
They've beaten you down, haven't they?

Paul:
They're killing me by inches.

Paul (to Bridget and Kerry):
You're both grounded, go to your room.

Bridget:
What! You've officially destroyed my life and you're like a life destroyer! I hate you!

Kerry:
I hate you too. You're the meanest father ever. You're meaner then Angela's father.

Paul:
Angela's father did time!

Kerry:
Exactly!

Paul:
(about the girls) Well, it's official. They hate me again.

Cate:
Aw, congratulations. (holds up two tickets) Maybe these'll make you feel better.

Paul:
Red Wings, center ice? Where did you get these?

Cate:
(imitating Anthony) Shoot. I was kickin' wit my partner Anthony W., and he gave me the 411 on how he got B to the K all grounded and whatnot. He was all, "Damn, Mrs. Henn, that's cold! I gots to make dat right!" So he hooked me these fazoon duckets. Know what I mean?

Paul:
What's new with my little family?

Rory:
Well, no one loves your daughters.

Paul:
A father only has a few chances to put the fear of God into their daughter's boyfriend. This is one of them.

Kerry:
Why don't you just lock me in my room?

Paul:
Because your mother won't let me.

Paul:
(to Bridget) Where's your mother?

Kyle:
(thinking Paul's talking to him) At home.

Paul:
No, I mean her mother.

Kyle:
My grandmother?

Paul:
(slowly) No, Bridget's mother.

Kyle:
(slowly) How should I know?

Paul:
One more smart remark like that and there will be a consequence.

Kerry:
My life is a consequence.

Cate:
You know honey, that would have more impact if you didn't say it every day.

Cate:
You know I think this family should go to visit Grandma and Grandpa in Sarasota. We'd hang out in the sun. It will be relaxing. We'll go swimming and I don't have to cook.

Paul:
Cate, your parents don't like me.

Cate:
I know that, honey and I weighed that, but I still have to go with don't have to cook.

Cate:
You be nice to your dad today, he's got a lot going on at work.

Kerry:
Dad's the problem. He won't even let our boyfriends come over for Thanksgiving dinner!

Bridget:
Yeah, and like Dad's always telling us to feed the homeless. We don't even know them!

(While Paul's talking on his cell to Cate)

Paul:
No, Cate, he never showed. Some newspaper editor can't even make a deadline. I waited 45 minutes for the big jerk!

Nick:
Paul Hennessey? Nick Sharp, Big Jerk.

Paul:
(whispers to Cate) Don't call him that, honey.

Bridget:
(To Paul) Kyle can't even hold my hand without you thinking he's some kind of sex maniac.

Kerry:
And God forbid Jason put his arm around me. It's like he's already got me pregnant and dropping out of school!

Bridget:
And that'll never happen!

Kerry:
Thank you!

Bridget:
Kerry's so smart, she could graduate high school even if she had two babies!

Paul:
Oh God I am a..a...

Kerry:
Say it.

Paul:
Psycho dad.

Kerry:
Cool! Say it again.

Kerry:
(trying to get people to adopt a dog) Make it a real Christmas. Take home a homeless animal...(scoffs at the person walking away) Idiot.

(While at the mall)

Paul:
Would you keep up?

Bridget:
I don't want anyone thinking we're together!

Paul:
Oh, God forbid they'll think were a family. Come on! Kerry's not gonna be with us on Christmas Eve, fine, we'll go be with her.

Bridget:
Okay fine, I'll keep it three steps behind you, only because it's Christmas!

Paul:
We're going to hear your mother sing a solo.

Cate:
Oh.

Paul:
Oh what, honey?

Cate:
Well I just realized I'm going to be singing in front of you guys and what if I screw up? I don't want to screw up in front of you.

Paul:
Oh, babe, you won't even notice us. There are going to be a couple hundred people in the church.

Cate:
Oh.

Paul:
Don't look at it like you're singing for a church full of people. You're singing for God.

Cate:
Oh. You guys can't come.

Rory (about his date):
I don't want to tell Dad cause he'll go "Awwwwwww"

Bridget and Kerry:
Awwwwwwwwwww.

Kerry:
Rory's going on a date, Bridget's smarter. (slaps herself) Wake up, wake up, wake up.

Kerry:
(to Rory) How do you know Sabrina even likes you?

Rory:
Well, Patches stole a note from Megan, who got it from Lacey, who was passing it to Katie, and it said Sabrina called me "hottie with a body," which is a good thing, so it's pretty much a lock.

Kerry:
Oh my God. You've turned into Bridget.

Bridget and Rory:
What-ever!

Cate:
I asked my mother why she cut the ends off her pot roast, and she said, "because that's what my mother did". So I went to my grandmother and asked why SHE cut the ends off the pot roast, and she said, "because that's what my mother did". So I went to my great grandmother and asked her why SHE cut the ends off the pot roast, and she said, "because the pan was too small". So you see, the previous generation isn't always so wise.

Paul (to Kerry):
You are kind of special!

Kerry:
Awww, Dad, that means so much...

Paul:
Not right now, I need to go talk to your sister.

Paul (to Bridget):
Let me tell you a story. Your grandmother always cooked the pot roast in a little pan, so one day your mother asked her why. And she said, "Because that's how my mother used to do it." So to make a long story short, you're mother went to her great-grandmother and asked, "What's up with the little pan." And do you know what she said?

Bridget:
No.

Paul:
I don't know either. But you're grandmother sure does make a grreat roast.

Bridget:
Oh, yeah.

Cate:
(sarcastically) I remember her as just such a happy little girl on the playground, smoking.

(As Bridget and Kerry run down the steps)

Bridget:
I am going to kill you!

Cate:
What is going on?

Bridget:
I just talked to Amanda who talked to Michelle who talked to Walker who's dating Josie that you...

Paul:
Kerry kissing Kyle meant nothing!

Bridget:
Borrowed my sweater! (long pause) What?

Paul:
(to Kerry) You borrowed her sweater?!

Christina (to Kerry):
So do you want to listen to music or watch tv or something?

Kerry:
No.

Christina:
You're no fun.

Kerry:
Sorry.

Christina:
No, I like it.

Paul:
This place looks familiar

Paul:
(after overhearing Bridget and Kyle talking about what he thinks is them having sex) Aha! Get away from- (sees they were talking about cinnamon buns) those cinnamon buns. They're fattening.

Bridget/Paul:
You are dead!

Kerry/Kyle:
It's not what it looks like!

Paul:
I have one question for you. Are you gay?

Kyle:
No

Paul:
Wrong answer.

Bridget:
It's just when Ben looks at me, it's like I'm the only one in the room.

Kerry:
It's a private lesson in our garage. You are the only one in the room.

Paul:
Hey!

Cate:
Rory!

Rory:
Oh hey.

Paul:
Where's Bridget?

Rory:
I can't tell.

Paul:
Rory, we don't keep secrets in this family.

Rory:
Ok. Mom's got yearbooks. Oh, you mean Bridget. She went out with Ben. I'm her decoy.

(Paul leaves then comes back)

Paul:
I knew you had yearbooks.

Cate:
You can stop building that monkey bed right now.

Rory:
Aww, man!

Rory:
Bridget sneaks in late and you punish her by buying her stuff? Who's a guy got to kill to get a monkey around here?

Paul (to Kerry):
You get home right now!

Cate:
Paul, don't yell at Kerry!

Paul:
I can't yell at Kerry. I can't yell at Bridget. I have to yell at somebody! Rory, stop reading upside down!

Kerry (to Bridget):
Mom and Dad would kill you if they knew you were carrying on a long-distance relationship behind their back.

Bridget:
And you're not gonna tell them, right? Because you swore and made a secrecy vow and you kissed my old boyfriend, Kyle.

Kerry:
How long are you gonna hold that over my head?

Bridget:
How long does it take for a broken heart to heal?

Cate:
Paul, just calm down.

Paul:
I'm sorry, sweetie. I guess I'm in a bit of bad mood today. This morning, I cut myself shaving years off my life as head of this family.

Paul:
What happened to a couple of friends over?

Bridget:
More came, so now it's a kick back.

Paul:
You mean a party.

Bridget:
No, no. Mom said we can't have parties. Twenty or fewer is a kick back.

Rory:
You crossed the line, Dad and you crossed it in slippers.

Paul:
I'll drive all of you in the mini van.

Bridget:
Oh my God. The loser cruiser.

Kerry:
Don't mess with the middle child!

Cate:
So where's your family tonight, Carter?

Carter:
Wife number one is in Aspen with my girls. Wife number two went back to Italy with my boys. Wife number four, my current wife, she's vacationing with her mother in Martha's Vineyard.

Paul:
What about wife number three?

Carter:
We don't ever talk about wife number three. I love wife number four.

Cate:
Wow! A book!

Kerry:
Yeah, because something more interesting than watching a car drive in a circle is reading about it.

Cate:
You're the adult here, Paul! Why don't you call Carter and explain what happened?

Paul:
Oh, yeah, that's a great idea, Cate. "Here's the picture my son stole from your house, when do we start the book?"

Rory:
[when Bridget breaks her nose, comes down for breakfast] I am not an animal.

Bridget:
Shut up!

Cate:
Rory, are you about done?

Rory:
Just about. I am a human... being.

Paul:
We can let [Bridget] stay home a couple of days. What's the harm?

Cate:
Paul, and I say this from a loving place...

Paul:
I hate the loving place. I'm always wrong in the loving place.

Cate:
What message do you think you're sending Bridget if you let her stay home from school?

Paul:
Her father loves her more than her mother.

Bridget:
I'm not going to school, Dad.

Paul:
Honey, you know deep down, no one is going to care what you look like.

Bridget:
What high school did you go to? You saw Kerry's video. I'm shallow. I get by on my looks. I can't go to school like this.

Paul:
A broken nose is not a good reason to miss school, to avoid life. Bridget, you know beauty is only skin deep and so what if some of the kids make fun of you.

Bridget:
But I'm not used to it, like Kerry.

[When a newswoman reporting at a local bar in Sarasota where The Hennesseys are vacationing. All of a sudden, they see footage of a college student whipping her bikini around.]

Cate:
Hey, do you see that girl?

Rory:
Oh yeah! Talk about News Flash !

Paul:
Rory! [still looking at the News Footage], She can't even be out of high school. She's about the same age as, as a matter of fact, she looks a little like, alot like...

Both Cate and Paul:
BRIDGET!

Rory:
UGHHHHHH!!!

Paul:
(talking to a bartender) Living in a temple dedicated to my brother in law. With my two teenager daughters who hang out at a bar and my wife who I believe was the original girl gone wild.

Cate:
How was hanging out with Jake?

Rory:
Great. Being old is cool. You get to yell at people, park anywhere, take your teeth out. I can't wait.

Cate:
I am so nervous.

Paul:
Why? You're a great nurse.

Cate:
But now I have to boss people around.

Paul:
You're great at that too. Like they say, do what you know.

Paul:
I'm looking forward to haveing a lovely dinner with my children.

Cate:
Girls, where's your brother?

Kerry:
Don't know.

Bridget:
Don't care.

Kerry:
Maybe he's lost.

Bridget:
Maybe a bear got him.

Bridget (to Cate):
You look rested.

Cate:
Is that supposed to be sarcastic?

Kerry:
Oh Mom, I'm sorry. Bridget just doesn't understand that you've got more important things to do. If anyone should understand sleeping until noon, it's her.

Cate:
Rory, you want to come to the hospital with me?

Paul:
Or to the newspaper with me? Big presses, jelly donuts...

Rory:
Don't make me choose between…

Cate:
Student nurses, bloody guys.

Rory:
Hospital!

Bridget:
I hate that Jenna. She's evil! Yesterday, she was like, "I love your vintage jacket. It's so you." So today, I see her and she was wearing the same jacket. Like she's stealing my soul or something! God, she is so petty.

Paul:
It's like a girls' mafia.

Bridget:
There's no such thing as a girls' mafia. Just a highly structured secret society with a set of rules and severe consequences.

Kerry:
There's a secret society?

Bridget:
No.

Cate:
The hospital is doing something to fight child hunger. It's called the Great American Bake Sale.

Kerry:
Great idea. Then we can create world peace with a kissing booth.

Bridget:
This is ridiculous. How am I suppsed to raise a bag of flour?

Kerry:
Add yeast.

Rory:
It's just nice not to be the youngest for a change.

Kerry:
Welcome to middle childhood. It's a real picnic.

Rory:
You're right. I'm feeling neurotic and ignored already. I think I'm gonna go cry for no apparent reason!

Rory:
I would appreciate it if you could stay off the phone for a while. There are going to be a lot of women calling me.

Bridget:
Calling you what? Geek?

Kerry:
Perv?

Bridget:
Freak?

Kerry:
Loser?

Rory:
Not anymore.

Kerry:
They had a lemonade stand.

Cate:
That's cute!

Kerry:
They're in high school!

Bridget:
Yeah, it's more like a lame-o-nade stand!

Kerry:
And last week, they had a cookie stand!

Bridget:
Yeah, it's more like a lame-o-cookie stand!

Kerry:
And they even had a mud pie stand!

Bridget:
Yeah, it's more like a...I got nothing.

Paul:
(about the Doyles) They swing dance as a family.

Cate:
We're doing it and that's final! As a family?

Bridget:
I'm going to prove to you I can have a long distance monogamous relationship with my virgin boyfriend just to spite you.

Cate:
Awww! It's Donny Doyle! He's under Bridget's window. He's serenading her.

Paul:
(takes off his shoe) I'm on it.

Cate:
Paul!

Paul:
Cate, he's conning us! Those serenading mid-shipmen virgins are all liars.

Paul:
What do you like to do for fun, Maggie?

Maggie:
Well, lately, I've been using Ted's personal information to destroy his credit!

(When Bridget gets a water bra)

Bridget:
I am like so back on top with these things! (names her boobs) Hello, Mary Kate! Hello, Ashley!

Rory:
Talk about a "Full House."

Paul:
I just got off the phone with Carter Tibbits, NASCAR legend. I'm writing his book, so no big deal. (Kyle and Rory ignore him and continue playing video games) Riveted. I see. Ummm, we're having a disagreement. Now tell me, does this paragraph "suck" to you? "My diaper was a checkered flag. My bottle, a can of 50 weight oil and..." Oh, it does suck!

Paul:
(about the pregnancy test) Kerry, Bridget...Beach, Care Bear...

Cate:
(hesitantly) Paul... it's mine.