Abbott Elementary, Season 3

Barbara:
They're not all bad.

Jacob:
I think they're cool.

Ava:
Mnh.

Gregory:
I actually like them this year.

Melissa:
Shocking.

Ava:
I don't know. I feel like they've been unequivocally and universally worse than they've ever been. From unhelpful to unbearable.

Janine:
Good morning, Abbott Elementary!

Melissa:
Yeah. Okay, class, uh... Ms. Schemmenti's gonna step outside for a sec. Guys, watch 'em, okay?

Janine:
Oh, you guys don't have to do that.

Jalen Hurts:
Heads down, thumbs up. Time to play seven up!

Janine:
They actually listened. Have you ever considered teaching?

Jalen Hurts:
Uh... y'all hiring? I mostly work on Sundays.

Barbara:
Good morning. Good morning. (Gasps) Good morning.

Tariq:
Good morning Mrs. Howard.

Barbara:
Tariq.

Tariq:
Huh?

Barbara:
What are you doing here? Janine's down at the district now.

Tariq:
Dang, she moved to D.C.?

Barbara:
And take your presumably sticky hands off of my student.

Tariq:
You mean take my definitely sticky hands off of my son.

Barbara:
To quote Maury Povich, you are not the father.

Tariq:
And to quote the hip-hop legend Shaquille O'Neal, his biological didn't bother. See, I've been dating his mama for like seven weeks, so technically, I'm a stepdaddy right now. Ain't that right, Tariq Jr.?

Melissa:
Mm.

Melissa and Captain Robinson:
Childhood.

Captain Robinson:
Nah, but this is a real problem.

Gregory:
Mm-hmm.

Janine:
Yeah.

Melissa:
Oh, yeah, absolutely. Where did you even get a cigarette?

Ava:
Yeah, what you, a French child?

Curtis:
The guy around the corner sold it to me for a dollar.

Ava:
A dollar? Inflation is crazy. But you are in big trouble, because cigarettes are banned.

Curtis:
Not on any of the signs I saw.

Jacob:
What?

Mr. Johnson:
We used to be the Three Musketeers. But now I'm one musketeer, and they're just two, that don't invite me to things.

Jacob:
Look, guys, I don't know. She just said she's dropping by with a special surprise.

Melissa:
Yeah. Plus this is Philly. I mean, you can't hock a loogie without hitting something historic around here.

Barbara:
I just don't feel good about you giving out your address to strangers online. It's not safe.

Barbara:
You and Jacob living together is I know it's God's will, but he's gotten awfully creative.

Barbara:
Give me the ball. Three, four, five. And shoot!

Tariq:
Alright. Well, uh, that's gonna bring Abbott's score to a negative-2 at the bottom of the first, y'all. Educator of the year, folks. Ugh. We are not just losing. We are getting smoked. You cannot lose a panel. This is like every other panel that's ever existed.

Janine:
As you all know, my fellowship at the district is coming to an end.

Ava:
Ooh, girl, don't remind me. My doomsday countdown clock is set to the day that you're back.

Janine:
Stop.

Gregory:
You know, we make a really good team.

Janine:
Yeah, we do.

Ava:
We all know the real reason you came back is to see Questlove.

Janine:
Ava, Questlove is not coming here.

Ava:
Ava Fest, on the other hand, is going to be special. I just have to come up with a way to take it over the top. A way to make it unhinged.

Melissa:
Have you ever tried just being hinged?

Emily:
There will be cake, there will be fun.

Simon:
There will be blood oaths!

Ava:
I have an exciting announcement, Abbott. Today is the long-anticipated return of one of our faves, cinnamon buns in the cafeteria.

Students:
Good morning.

Janine:
Hey, Alex.

Barbara:
Book club was Ava's idea.

Man:
Make some noise!

Mr. Johnson:
Barbers. I hate 'em. Who do you think did this to me?

Melissa:
Look at 'em. Those Liberty kids keep cutting our kids in line.

Jacob:
She was being rude. I get it now.