Adventure Time, Season 1

Bubblegum:
Finn, the Candy People can't know about the zombies!

Finn:
WHA??

Bubblegum:
If they knew, they would flip out!

Finn:
Whaddaya mean, "flip out?"

Bubblegum:
I mean.. they would FLIP OUUUT!!

Finn:
Algebraic!

Bubblegum:
"You promised you wouldn't freakin tell ANYONE!! Aw, you're so cute Finn."

Finn:
MATHEMATICAL!!

Zombie:
Gimme some sugar baby....

Finn:
She just want this slumber party to be super fun, and if I did have something to tell you, then I would in a second, and it would make my life easier, unless there was something stopping me, like a promise, but there isn't, so I won't, so it's cool!

Finn:
If I break a royal promise, I get to fight zombies, throw slumber parties, awake Gumball Guardians, and-and...

Bubblegum:
Alright, alright..

Finn:
AND REVERSE DEATH ITSELF!!!!

Mr. Cupcake:
Jake, truth or dare?

Jake:
Truth!

Mr. Cupcake:
Do you prefer chocolate or fudge?

Jake:
I can't eat chocolate or fudge cos I'm a dog and they'll probably kill me but, hmm.. probably... NEITHER!!

Finn:
Starchy, you're not a zombie.

Starchy:
I can't help it. Flesh is delicious.

Finn:
You're delicious!

Starchy:
He-hey, don't squeeze me, I'll fart! [PWOO!!]

LSP's Dad:
Daughter! Have you brought smooth people into our domain!?

LSP:
I.. had to, Dad. I'm trying to help them! SO DON'T LUMPING YELL AT ME!!

LSP's Mom:
WHAT DID YOU SAY!? What did you just say!!?

LSP:
I SAID LUMP OFF, MOM!! GJABLAHGARIHAGLRRR!!!

[...]

Finn:
Uhh...

LSP:
WHAT??

Finn:
Vroom-vroom?

LSP:
Oh, yeah. I need to borrow the car.

LSP's Dad:
You had made your mother cry for the last time, Daughter! You are hereby banned from using the royal car! [slam!]

LSP:
Shucks! I lumping hate them!

Finn:
I'LL KILL YOU, LUMPY SPAAAAAAAACE!!!

Finn:
[fully lumpy] Oh yah! Being lumpy is the best!

Jake:
Hey! Stop talkin to yourself, dum guy. Take your bawl and get outta here.

Finn:
Fine. I don't want you to havvit anyways.

Jake:
So I can't havvit now, eh?

Finn:
That's right, it's mine!

Jake:
[beat] Gimme that bawl!!

Finn:
No! You can't havvit!

Jake:
Givvit t' me!

Finn:
No!!

Jake:
I wannit! Givvit t' me!

Finn:
You wannit that bad!? Go get it, then!

Finn:
This doesn't look like Make-out Point.

Melissa:
This is Brad's house. YOU wanted a ride to Make-out Point!? You think I want to make-out with YOU!??

Finn:
Uhhh....

Melissa:
Well, maybe I do, but.... Wait! I have a boyfriend, Finn!!

Jake:
This is... new. S'nothing ominous though, just a bump.

Lumpy Space Princess:
Nah. That's no bump. It's the early stage of the lumps.

Finn:
Is it serious?

Lumpy Space Princess:
It just means he's changing into a lumpy space guy on account of my bite. It's just like uh, y'know... werewolf rules? Hurrurr...

Lumpy Space Princess:
WHATEVERS 2009!

Finn:
Sorry, but Jake's lumpiness is worsening!

Jake:
Actually, I think I'm beating it back with sheer willpower. (PHLAP!!) Oh, my.

Lumpy Space Princess:
BUUUUUMPS.

Finn:
Ice King, don't do this. Just let the girls go. They DON'T want to be here.

Ice King:
Of course they do! I would've killed them already if they didn't want to be here. Right, ladies? Zzz zzz?

Finn:
ICE KING!! YOU HAD BETTER EITHER SET US FREE, OR COME IN HERE AND FIGHT ME!! COS OTHERWISE.. I'M GONNA FLIP OUUT!!!

Wildberry Princess:
I don't think I can...

Ice King:
Just play it like I showed you..

Finn:
Leave her alone, Ice King!

Ice King:
PLAY IT OR I'LL SQUISH YOU INTO JUICE!!!

Finn:
MY FLUTE!!

Jake:
Ohh, nuts dude! You broke it when we tried picking the lock to that sad ogre's heart!

Finn:
Darn it!

Tree Trunks:
A fly landed on my pie! That's no good... [throws it away] Bye bye!

Finn:
Why're you throwing the pie away!? [more flies onto pie]

Finn and Jake:
UGGHH!!!

Tree Trunks:
Flies wanted it... they can HAVE IT....

Finn:
Hey, crystal guardian! Are you okay with Tree Trunks takin' a bite of that apple?

Jake:
I'm okay with it!

CG Jake:
I'm okay with it!

Jake:
And I'm stupid!

CG Jake:
And I'm stupid!

Tree Trunks:
Finn, what would you do if you can do anything?

Finn:
Anything? Well, I'd catch a shooting star and travel to outer space, and fight space monsters!!

Jake:
[muffling] I'd carve my face on the moon, so the moon will look like my face!

Finn:
Jake, I just realised that Tree Trunks is old and bonkers. We can't take her through that evil dark forest!

Jake:
Ahh, she'll be fine, everything's fine.

Finn:
But the monsters!

Jake:
It's faine! It's faine!

Finn:
Are you sure? Cos she has ZERO adventurer training.

Jake:
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, well it's fine! She'll be fine! Re-re-it's fine, it's fine, it's fine!

Finn:
[laughs] Maybe it is fine.

Tree Trunks:
I did it, I helped! I'm the sexiest adventurer in the world!

Finn:
Tree Trunks! You're not an adventurer! You nearly got yourself killed-AGAIN! Do you wanna die, Tree Trunks?! Is that what you think adventurers do?! DIE AND MAKE ALL THEIR FRIENDS FEEL TERRIBLE 'CUZ THEY COULDN'T SAVE YOU!!?

Princess Bubblegum:
It's called the Enchiridion. It's a book meant only for heroes whose hearts are RIGHTEOUS. ["PUCHHOO!!"]

Finn:
Shmowzow!

Princess Bubblegum:
The book lies in the top of Mount Cragdoor, guarded by a manly Minotar. It's waiting for a truly righteous hero to claim it!

Finn:
Do you think I've got the goods, Bubblegum? 'Cos I am [pounds floor] INTO THIS STUFF!

Finn:
Bye Princess! Ya know what time it is, buddy?

Jake:
Adventure Time?! [fist bumps Finn]

Finn:
Yeah man!

Keeper:
The key is in you, child, but you can not use your brawn here. The door is MAGICALLY sealed!

[Finn picks up the Keeper and shoves him into the lock]

Keeper:
You've unlocked the riddle of the door! Ha ha! Brilliantly, young child! Please, reveal to me how you unraveled my clue.

Finn:
I just thought you looked cute stuffed in that lock.

Keeper:
Oh yes, that's how most people get in...

Jake:
Hey, bunk off you gnomes! That kid just save you guys! You should thank him! Not destroy old ladies! Do you even know what I'm talkin' about?! Say thank you! [beat] SAY.. "THANK YOU!"

Gnome:
KILL IT!!

Jake:
WHOA!! [grab the gnomes back into the lava pit] GET BACK IN THERE!!

Finn:
I'm not righteous. I'm wrong-teous! ...Stupid-teous.

Finn:
Give me back my friend!

Giant:
But I killed him already!

Evil Wizard:
Now, as one last LAST trial; SLAY THIS ANT!

Finn:
Is it evil?

Evil Wizard:
No! But it's... not good, either. It's neutral. Will you slay it?

Finn:
...NO!

Evil Wizard:
If you want the hero's Enchiridion, then slay this unaligned ant!

Finn:
Never... Never.. NEVER!!

Evil Wizard:
Wuh-oh... [Finn kicks the wizard to smoke]

Keeper:
[enters the room] Congratulations, Finn the Human. Now you have truly reached-

Finn:
[punches Keeper in the stomach] Oh no! Mr. Keeper, I'm sorry. Wha- Why are you wearing that little devil costume?

Keeper:
These are my pajamas... I was getting weady for bed...

Jake:
Hey, crack open that book and read something for fun's sake, alright?

Finn:
Oh yeah! Woah.. "How to Kiss Princesses"? Hehehehe...

Jake:
Woooahh! What'd you just read?

Princess Bubblegum:
[appearing in magical globe] 'Yeah, what does it say, Finn? Manish Man won't tell me.'

Manish Man:
Hey, don't tell her, Finn.

Finn:
It doesn't say anything, Princess.

Princess Bubblegum:
'Manish Man!'

Finn:
Aaaaaahh... [jumps into air] YEAHHH...!

Finn:
[synthesized singing] Baby

Jake:
Ooo!

Finn:
I know what you need

Jake:
What's that?

Finn:
You want your little baby socks For your little baby feet~

Jake:
Whoo!

Finn:
Baby

Jake:
Yeah?

Finn:
I know what you crave

Jake:
Oh yeah, what's that?

Finn:
You want to poop your pants all day long Well, baby behave!

Jake:
Hey, how can you sing like that, dude?

Finn:
Remember when I swallowed that little computer?

Jake:
Oh yeah.

Finn:
Let's gather him up, Jake! He's all over the place! Even between the floorboards!

Jake:
And the cupboards!

Finn:
AND the galoshes!

Finn:
You stay away from Princess Bubblegum with all that stuff!

Ricardio:
Now that my plan is nearly complete, there is no way you can stop me.

Finn:
I could stop you if I wanted!

Ricardio:
Oh, yeah?

Finn:
YEAH!!

Ricardio:
OH, YEAH!!?

Finn:
YEAHHH!!! YAHH!!!

Princess Bubblegum:
Finn, what the cabbage?

Finn:
Ugh... I feel.. weird...

Jake:
It sounds like you're dealing with some new emotions you don't understand. Like jealousy.

Finn:
BLARRRRG!!!

Jake:
I bet you wish you were my butt.

Finn:
What?

Jake:
I bet you wish YOU were my butt, because then the Princess, y'know... No, wait... I bet you wish YOU were the Ice King and the Princess was my butt!

Finn:
What!?

Jake:
Hm... OH!! I bet you wish Bubblegum would KISS you too! Like the Ice King and my butt!

Finn:
That's ridiculous!

Princess Bubblegum:
You're totally jealous of Ricardio.

Finn:
Not I'm not! I just don't like the way he talks to you. It makes me feel weird.

Princess Bubblegum:
That's jealousy, hon.

Finn:
I'm not jealous! [echo yell] I'M WEIRD!!!

Jake:
Woof, man. This is going bad!

Jake:
You and me, gut, together forever! Solving crimes and making up rhymes!

Finn:
No way! This proves he's a super villain! More powerful than lesser villains, like the Ice King!

Jake:
[sing-song] Your gut says he's evil,

My gut says he's good!

Why not put our guts together

And end this funky feud?

Ricardio:
You were right all along, Finn! Now I'm going to cut out Princess Bubblegum's heart and make out with it.

Finn:
I found another bike, and more computers! What do you got?

Jake:
I keep finding baby shoes! [flamethrows another iceberg] What the heck, man, and they're all lefties!

LSP:
[thru herovision monitor] Oh my gosh! Leave me alone! All I said was "you're ugly", [chased from whipping swamp giant] which is totally true! Somebody help me!

Jake:
YA HEAR THAT GUYS!!? MAYBE I'M RIGHT!!

Businessman:
Really? Job? With... ad-ven-tur-ers?

Jake:
Yeah, mans!

Jake:
Aww... Building this gauntlet dock is hard, man. Hard work sucks!

Finn:
Don't be lazy, Jake.

Businessman:
I'm going to kill you! Not-boss!

Finn:
Wait, man! Wait! I wanna rehire you guys!

Businessman:
Re-HIRE?? Really?!

Finn:
Yeah, mans.

Finn:
I have to say Jake, my sword is totally shiny and stinking sharp!

Jake:
Uh-huh!

Finn:
And my shoes feel different! Not only are they clean-I feel radder, faster, more adequate.

Jake:
Cool!

Finn:
I never knew being fat and lazy was so rewarding!

Jake:
Yeah! Your gut's so huge and mouldable.

Finn:
Hey!

Jake:
Hold on a sec!

Finn:
Hahahaha! Man, that tickles!

Jake:
[moulded to IK] "I'm the Ice King! And I'll never find a bride because I'm such a tool."

Finn:
[laughs] Alright, let me try. [moulds his gut to PB] "I'm Princess Bubblegum, and I'm a dork because I like science! I've also got a really annoying voice that Finn thinks is ATTRACTIVE!!"

Jake:
Ha ha! That's a... Wait, what'd you say?

Jake:
Anyone have a joke?

Finn:
Oh, I have a joke! Okay, okay. Knock knock!

Lady Rainicorn:
Nuguseyo? (Who's there?)

Jake:
She said, "who's there?"

Finn:
Diarrhea!

Jake:
Jyaega seolsalae. (He said, "Diarrhea.")

Lady Rainicorn:
Eo, nado deul-eoss-eo. Mwoya, hanado jaemieobsjanh-a. (Yeah, I know. I don't think it was kinda that funny.) [sips goblet]

Finn:
Did she say "Diarrhea who?"

Jake:
Uh... no. No, she didn't say "Diarrhea who". She didn't. ...Say it.

Finn:
Hey Grandpa, how're you able to fly if you don't have wings?

Lady Rainicorn:
[old man voice] "Well, light travels from the sun, then bounces off of our planet, and back into our eyes so we can perceive color."

Jake:
Whoa!

Lady Rainicorn:
"My body can intercept that light, and dance around on it."

Jake:
Baby, it's a little rocky in the back seat here!

Finn:
[laughs] Shmow! That forest wizard is giving away free power rings!

Lady Rainicorn:
"Do you wanna try gettin' some, Finn?"

Finn:
YEAHS!!

Finn:
Alright, this time, I'm gonna destroy you, Rainicorn!

Lady Rainicorn:
Okay. That sounds nice.

Jake:
I'm sorry I was an idiot. You forgive me?

Finn:
Shut up man, I don't wanna hear that stuff! Let me get in there.

[Gets in between Lady Rainicorn and Jake]

Jake:
Let's never be stupid again!

Finn:
Wait! Let's always be stupid. Forever!

[All laugh]

Dog:
What do you want, baby? Why're you crying? [...] Margaret, this baby won't tell me what's wrong with it and it's stuck to a leaf and it stinks.

Margaret:
Give it here, Joshua. This baby just needs some love and kisses to be happy. Mwah, mwa-mwa-mwah! There, see? Now it's happy.

Joshua:
You just kissed a boom boom baby. So don't expect any more sugar from me, sweetheart, until we wash your dirty, dirty face.

Wizard:
I'M NAKED~!! EHEHEHEHEE!!

Finn:
A long time ago, when I was a baby, I went boom boom on a leaf. (boom boom!) Then I fell backwards (SPLAT!) and sat in my own boom boom. I cried for a day... but no one came to help me. That day I vowed to help anyone in need, no matter how small their problem! And that's why I need to go. [leaves]

[the marauders all clap and cheer]

Jake:
He still cries when he poops. Thanks for being cool, guys.

Finn:
Can you guys stop being so rough?

Group 1:
WHAT?

Group 2:
WHAT?

Marauder:
What? [bang!]

Head Marauder:
Whoa-whoa-whoa! What are you talking about, Finn?

Finn:
Could you... just tone down the roughhousing a-a little?

Marauder:
What? [bang!]

Head Marauder:
Whoa-whoa-whoa-shh! It's alright, fellas. Finn, I'm sure this "tone down the roughhousing" thing has something to do with your boom boom, and I can respect that. BUT HOW CAN WE POSSIBLY MAKE ROUGHHOUSING LESS ROUGH!!?

Finn:
Aw man, this sucks! GRRAH!! Old people! There's gotta be a better way!

Old Wizard:
Nope. This is how the ancient ones wanted it.

Finn:
Yeah? I've got a younger idea! [gets off harness] Hughh.. hahh!

Old Wizard:
You fool! Your newfangled thinking will get us all killed!

Finn:
YOUTH CULTURE FOREVER!!!

Bufo:
Thrust your hands into this bowl... of eyeballs.

Finn:
Eyeballs!?

Jake:
Dude, it's okay. They're just peeled grapes.

Bufo:
No!! They're eyeballs...

Finn:
WOO-HOO!! Nice job! Thanks to us, the village is saved. And we reclaimed a few of your twilight years.

Bufo:
Don't forget to thank me - for this was my plan for all of these 847 years.

Finn:
No way! Your plan was to dupe a succession of rubes into keeping the asteroid at bay!

Bufo:
Perhaps you're right. No more giving out free powers. I hereby renounce all magic.

[Bufo starts sobbing on the ground, wailing]

Bufo:
MY LIFE IS OVERRRRRR!!!!!

Reaper:
Hey kid... you want some magic powers? Magic powers for absolutely free?

Finn:
Heck yeah!

Jake:
Wait! Let's not be too rash! Just look at this guy! Check out the sunken lifeless eyes, the foul stench of decay! You know what that means?

Finn:
..Means he's evil, I guess.

Jake:
Well evil, sure-but mostly, he's unattractive. And unattractive people are desperate.

Bufo:
This is where young potentials train to become ultimate wizards, but most are not ready for the responsibility that comes with it.

Finn:
I'm responsible, dude!

Jake:
So am I!

Finn:
That's a lie!

Jake:
It is a lie. And I take full responsibility for it!

Singer:
So Finn and Jake

Set out to find a new home

It's gonna be tough

For a kid and a dog on their own.

Here's a little house

Aw, Finn's stickin' his foot in

Well, that's a bad idea, dude

Cuz now that bird thinks you're a jerk, Finn!

And now they're chillin' on the side of a hill

And thinkin' livin' in a cloud would be totally thrillin',

Unless they find something inside

Like a mean cloud man and his beautiful cloud bride.

A beehive, oh nooo~!

Don't put your foot in there, guy!

Y'all tried that before,

And you know it didn't turn out right!

Big shell, go inside,

Look around, it seems all right

A frog comes out and barfs a tiger,

Throwin' down potions for food and fi-ahire~!

You know you should've stayed

And fought that sexy vampire lady,

But Jake was feelin' terrified

He was super-scared of her vampire bite,

Which is understandable

As vampires are really powerful.

They're unreasonable

And burnt out on dealing with mortals.

Ooh, Marceline

Why are you so mean?

Marceline:
I'm not mean, I'm 1000 years old

And I just lost track of my moral code.

Singer:
Oh, Marceline

Can't you see those guys are in pain?

Marceline:
No, I can't.

I'm invested in this really cute video game.

Singer:
So there go our boys

Walkin' on the icy ground,

Headin' towards their destiny

I'm sure they'll figure something out.

Jake:
So I'm just as dirty as you are, Finn. We gotta walk this filthy path together.

Finn:
Then we shall embrace the darkness of this wicked city, and use the methods of the criminal to seek vengeance on Penny.

Jake:
Cowabunga! [morphs into cape]

Finn:
Cowabunga indeed.

Finn:
Hey, TURD-le! I'monna kick your butt! Also, have you seen this little girl's flower basket?!

Jake:
You're goin down, turtle! [the turtle blasts off with its tailhole] Whoa! I want jets!

Penny:
Hey, my basket! That's my basket!

Finn:
Don't worry, Penny! We'll get it right after I deal with this guy! STEALING'S WRONG, DOOFUS!!

Phil:
[PJs ripped away from rock wall thief] My jammies! [a goblin steals his glasses and basket] MAH GLASSEEE~S!!

Finn:
This good deed has purified us once again. We're Virgin Islands! [the two accompanied cherubs then steal his swords]

Penny:
I'm going to miss you, Finn!

Finn:
I'll miss you too.

Penny:
G'bye! [runs out of tent]

Jake:
Woah, dude! Why are you naked?

[Finn looks down and sees he's only wearing his underwear]

Finn:
WHA-! PENNNYYYYYYYYYY!!

Jake:
MUDVENTURE!!

Finn:
How do I say "You're the grossest thing ever" without offending you?

Finn:
What did she do to you?

Witch:
I stripped him of his magical powers.

Finn:
For stealing one of your billions of donuts!?

Jake:
Yeah, it's not like I killed your husband or something.

Witch:
I AM NOT MARRIED!!

Jake:
So do I get my powers back?

Witch:
Hm... Apology denied.

Jake:
What!? Why!?

Witch:
Because you took too long. Now you have to apologize while doing a variety of humiliating things.

Jake:
No way, Jose!

Jake's Subconscious:
"Come on, dude. It's the only way to save Finn."

Witch:
Who is that!?

Jake:
He's my subconscious.

Witch:
Then he has to do it too.

Jake's Subconscious:
"Aw!"

Finn:
Jake! I never should've doubted you!

Jake:
Well, I'm glad you learned your lesson - that in a crunch, there's nothin I wouldn't do for ya.

Finn:
Ahhh, so is that how you got your powers back? ["ting"] You apologized to the witch?

Jake:
Uum... [sweats profusely] No way! I um.. must have found the right... mud puddle! Yeah... I don't remember. Heh... Rrrrr...

Finn:
Aww! Butter pranked! I can't BELIEVE I didn't see that coming!

Jake:
Yeah, I'm a genius.

Finn:
YOU have offended my honor, sir. And in so doing, you have awoken the pranking demon that sleeps in my pits! The demon is coming for you, mortal. It is going to prank you so.. HAAAARD!!!

NEPTR:
Creator, you have shown me the joys of pranking! I cannot wait to throw pies infinitely at Jake's face!

Jake:
[zzz] ..Might wake up at any moment! Nahh, I'm still asleep.

Ice King:
Something about that robot I tried to kill fills me with... deep longing...

Finn:
Did y'all smack me into that mountain on purpose?

Balloons:
Yeeaah!

Finn:
Take note, NEPTR. These guys are Grade A Pranksters. You guys hang out, in case we need a daring escape!

Balloon 1:
Yeah, sure!

Balloon 2:
Daring escape!

Balloon 3:
Sure Finn!

Balloon 4:
Absolutely, we got your back! [Finn enters IK's cave]

Balloon 5:
I got his wallet!

Balloons:
Quick, Finn! Jump!!

[Finn jumps, the balloons pull their strings away at the last second, causing Finn to fall and shout and the balloons laugh; Three balloons carry him back up]

Finn:
Heheh, you guys got me!

Finn:
[Releases the balloons] Okay guys, your blood oath is fulfilled!

Balloons:
Yay! To the mesosphere!

Single Balloon:
Finally, we can die!

Finn:
Eat my sword, Ice King!

Ice King:
Sure wish someone would throw me a bachelorette party... oop! I mean, "manlorette party".

Finn:
But we hate you.

Ice King:
If you won't throw me a manlorette party then I'll never have my last hurrah before buckling down with that battle-axe! It'll drive me back to a life of stealing hot princesses! Is that want you want!!?

Finn:
Stop scratching your ear, man! It's gross!

Jake:
It wasn't me. It was my foot, dude.

Jake:
All that's left is the lousy wedding.

Finn:
I'm weady for the wedding!

Ice King:
Oh... Now I get what you guys are trying to tell me! Marriage is a thing that allows me to capture a princess forever and let her live inside of me! [cries ecstatically] Marriage is the most beautiful thing in the world...

Ice King:
No more... st-stealing princesses? Wow...

Finn and Jake:
WHAT!!?

Ice King:
I didn't realise I'd have to.. give up... stealing the ladies.

Jake:
But you said you were fine with it!

Ice King:
I know what I said! But you know, sometimes you say things and then you don't really mean them?

Jake:
WHA- Are you serious!?

Ice King:
Now I can KILL YOU!!! Oh wait... Wait, wait.. I am so stupid! Silly billy!

Ice King:
Come on, guys! Help me celebrate my un-marriage!

Ice King's "Bride":
You lousy butt-faced pig! I hate you!

Finn:
Walking, walking, walking... HAMBONE BREAK!

Finn:
Nuts. I'm freakin' all about sugar, but I'm even more about FEEDING HOBOS!

Jake:
Now that you're a big foot, you're 100% kick, man!

Two-Headed Monster:
Our crotch! Our evil crotch!

Kim:
Get his eyes! Cut him in the aye-eyes!

Finn:
Kim! Get underneath Trudy!

Kim:
No, man, please...I freakin' hate Trudy.

Finn:
Kim, I will destroy you!

Kim:
Okay, okay!

Finn:
Why'd you do that!?

Magic Man:
Because this day, a magical life lesson comes to you!

Finn:
No! Change me back!

Magic Man:
Not until you appreciate what a jerk I am! Waazooo~!!

Finn:
Thanks for being cool and all, but what do ya know about this Magic Man? How do we catch him?

Gork:
Ohh, he can't be caught. He's got magic. And we're worthless freaks, we can't ever beat him! So we've gathered here to wallow in our self-pity.

Finn:
Wait, so, what was the lesson we just learned?

Jake:
Maybe it was, don't give your sugar to jerks?

Finn:
Speaking of jerks-what the blubins, man!? Why wouldn't you help me turn back into a boy?

Jake:
Well, because I always kind of wanted to... [mumbles]

Finn:
What!?

Jake:
I said, I always kind of wanted to be a foot myself.

Finn:
You could be a foot right now! I saw you change into a foot twice yesterday!

Jake:
It's complicated, man. You'll understand when you're older.

Marceline:
Hey Finn, you thinkin' about how that guy's bowtie sorta looked like a bra?

Finn:
Huh?? NO!

Jake:
I want to help you out of this, man, but she scares the filling out of my donut.

Finn:
That sounds bombastic, honey.

Duke of Nuts:
Lisby, who's at the door?

Lisby:
Someone who wants to sack the nut-castle!

Duke of Nuts:
Why would you want to sack my nut-castle on my second son's first birthday? SEIZE HIM!!

Finn:
No!

Marceline:
Hey Finn, I need you to strangle some pixies!

Finn:
Yeah, sure. That sounds good.

Marceline:
Whoa, why are you being so casual about that? Killing pixies is some hardcore evil.

Finn:
I'm not fallin' for your junk anymore, lady. You just like saying poop that jacks with my brain.

Finn:
Marceline is not how she seems! She's a radical dame who likes to play games.

Angel:
I'm taking you to the chamber of the Crystal Eye.

Finn:
Aw, yeah!

Angel:
Where I'm going to cook you and eat your flesh.

Finn:
Wow... Wai- what!?

Angel:
Trust in your GUARDIAN ANGEL!!!

Demon Cat:
Greetings, Frank the human boy.

Finn:
How did you almost know my name?

Demon Cat:
I have approximate knowledge of many things. For instance, I know that I am possibly going to slay you and munch on your eyeballs.

Jake:
Who cares if Bubblegum hates you forever? It's no biggie. Tons of people hate me.

[...]

Squirrel:
Why, Jake? Why won't you print my letters? I... I.... I HATE YOU!!!

Finn & Jake:
The MarquIs of Nuts!?

Marquis:
Yes!! But I didn't come alone! [shripp!]

Squirrel:
Remember me, Jake!!?

Jake:
...Nope.

Finn:
There's something to tell you about that bottle that hit you in the face.

Bubblegum:
I already know, Finn! The Duke of Nuts has ALWAYS been a bad guy! But now that he's done this, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE HIM!!! And it's not just because that I HATE the Duke! I'd never forgive ANYBODY who did THIS to me! I'd hate them!

Finn:
Yeah, but-

Bubblegum:
FOREVER!!!!

Finn:
Forever..!??

Duchess of Nuts:
Hello, Finn. Are you here to arrest the Duke?

Finn:
How did you know?

Duchess of Nuts:
The nuts told me. For I am the Duchess of Nuts!

[Jake eats a handful of nuts from a bowl.]

Jake:
Ooh. I should've asked if these were, like, her eggs or something.

Duchess of Nuts:
Would you like to hear what MY NUTS HAVE TO SAY?!

Finn:
That won't be...um...necessary...

Jake:
I'm an assassin! I will kill you...and raise your children as my own!

Finn:
Princess, I have something pretty sucky to confess.

Squirrel:
Pick it up Jake! Pick it up! [Jake walks away with Finn] Oh, you son of a Bleeblob!

Finn:
Princess, I have something sucky to confess... I'm the one who threw the bottle!

Princess Bubblegum:
Ah!

Finn:
I'm sorry... But... I knew, if I told you - you'd hate me forever!

Princess Bubblegum:
Mmhhhm... Well, I could never stay mad at you forever. And you seem genuinely penitent.

Finn:
I don't even know what that means... But thank you!

Finn:
You stay here and take care of Donny, while I take care of a unknown possibly-deadly emergency.

Jake:
(as Finn is walking off) Dude, trade me jobs!

Donny:
Gotta get pants. Go get your pants. Button fly!

Finn:
Donny's problem is that he's treated as an outsider, like me!

Jake:
You are NOT an outsider; you wear cute little blue shorts.

Finn:
(Finn looks away, raising his hands) I... Am complicated...

BMO:
Whooo wants to play video gaa~mes?

Finn and Jake:
BEEMO!!

Jake:
What's on the menu, Beemo?

BMO:
I've created a new game called "Conversation Parade."

Finn and Jake:
Ha, alright! / Start it up, Beemo!

BMO:
[singing] What do you think about the stars in the sky

Finn:
S'okay, I guess.

Jake:
Yeah, they're cool.

BMO:
That is an interesting response. Battery low! SHUTDOWN.

Finn:
I would rather DIE than be imaginative. I mean that.

Jake:
Dude, I know something totally rocking we can do!

Finn:
WHOA!! What?

Jake:
Let's use our imaginations, man!

Finn:
Barf that! Imagination is for turbo-nerds who can't handle how kickbutt reality is. I'm a kickbutt reality MASTERRR!!!

Finn:
Watch and learn as I master REALITY. [slowly steps onto floor]

Jake:
NAAAAAOOOH!!!

Finn:
Imagine turning your imagination off!

Jake:
I can't, dude! But I think I can imagine.. an imagination turning-off machine... that is upstairs, surrounded by a crud-load of traps, ghosts, monsters and poison fountains, and... and... GIRLS! Cute girls, and hamsters.

Jake:
Hello, Finn. I am awake and healthy.

Finn:
Jake, what happened to your bombastic personality?

Jake:
I do not know what you mean. I am perfectly bombastic.

Finn:
Nah man, nah. Something's wrong. Tell me something amazing!

Jake:
But Finn, I cannot tell you something amazing, as there is nothing amazing happening around us that I can describe for you.

Finn:
Aw see man, you suck now!

Jake:
AAAAHH!! I CAN IMAGINE EVERYTHING!!!

Jake:
Dang, girl. If you weren't a figment of my imagination, I'd wanna have your baby. [Other imagined girl chuckles] What're you laughin' at?

Finn:
I am no man's bosom.

Starchy:
Starchy's feeling healthy again! A bit too healthy if you ask me.

Ice King:
So, what am I being charged with?

Finn:
Um...

Jake:
Five counts of jerk-a-tearing! Hah!

Finn:
Yeah. What does it matter?

Ice King:
DAHH!!! Of course it matters!! The way it works is - first, I transgress your meaningless rules, and then you maliciously persecute me!

Finn:
That makes sense. You do bad things, I punish you.

Ice King:
FOOL!! You have disrupted that order! For - are you ready for this? I have committed no RECENT CRIME!!

Finn:
Really? Um...

Ice King:
[laughing] I'm rocking your worldview!

Ice King:
So let me get this straight... You're hitting on me.

Bubblegum:
NO!!

Lady Rainicorn:
Usgisine. Dangsin-eun uli gongjunim-egeo malhal jagyeogdo eobsneun nom-iya. (Verily, you are a creature unworthy even of my lady's disdain.)

Ice King:
I think I heard the word "virile" in there. Oh, she's definitely hitting on me.

Bubblegum & Rainicorn:
No! / Maldoandwae! (No way!)

Ice King:
BEGONE, YOU BIDDIES!!!

Jake:
Dude, suckin' at somethin' is the first step towards bein' sorta good at somethin'. You and I are like little baby Billys right now - and we're "sucking" on our first bottle of nonviolent milk!

Finn:
Haggh... totes. I'll stop "pooping" my diaper.

Jake:
Whoa, what!!?

Billy:
Don't you see how pointless it is? You know what's probably happening to that old lady right now!? She's probably DEAD!!

Villager:
MAH TUMMY'S BREATHIN' FIRE!!!

Finn:
Man! I'm such a huge nerd for you! Please take on as hero apprentices!

Billy:
What for?

Finn:
So that we can learn to kick evil's butt, just like you!

Jake:
[slides] I wanna be the dog version of you!

Billy:
Aw, that would be waste of time.

Finn:
Geez... I thought people would like that.

Cobbler:
Why!? Why would anyone want that!?

Finn:
So you can defend against evil monsters!

Cobbler:
You're supposed to beat up monsters so we don't have to defend ourselves!

Finn:
No, see? I'm helping you nonviolently!

Cobbler:
Helping!? I can't even move my hands! I'm a cobbler, how'm I supposed to cobble with these useless chunk mitts!?

Finn:
How can we help?

LSP:
I want surgery to make my body hot.

Finn:
Yikes.

LSP:
Yeah. I know I'm already pretty smokin'. But I bought this swimsuit, so I need a swimsuit butter...

Jake:
[whoo!] You up for some serious plastic surgery?

Jake:
Wait, you were gonna wee-wee if I was the Gut Grinder?

Soft Girl:
Oh yeah! We're terrified of him!

Jake:
THEN I AM THE GUT GRINDERRRR!!!

Soft Girl:
I'M GONNA WEE-WEE!!

[she sprays liquid out of her armpits and spins around, wailing. Finn and Jake laugh]

Finn:
That guy wee-wees weird!

Jake:
[mimicking] I'm Finn the Human, and I stink at viola!

Finn:
[pulls checks] I'm Jake the Dog, and I put my nose in POOP!!

Jake:
There's a lot of interesting smells in poop...

Jake:
What if I am the Gut Grinder?

Finn:
What!?

Jake:
What if I'm.. like, stealing gold in my sleep?

Finn:
You can't be stealing gold in your sleep! [dilates] I watch you while you sleep.

Jake:
Wha? Yo Finn, that is creepy, man.

Finn:
I can't help it. I take pictures.

Jake:
Well, when do you sleep!?

Finn:
Justice never sleeps.

Jake:
Well, there's gotta be a time when you're not watchin' me... tha- that I- that I might be stealing gold unconsciously!

Finn:
[into Jake's ear] YOU-ARE-NOT-THE-GUT-GRINDER!!

[Jake and Rainacorn are seen chasing each other in front of the candy kingdom;Finn and Princess Bubblegum are seen in a graveyard]

Finn:
Hey, Princess Bubblegum, when we bring the dead back to life, will they be filled with worms?

Bubblegum:
No. If my decorpsinator serum works, then all the dead Candy People will look as young and healthy as you do.

Finn:
[chest-pounding] Aaahh-AAAHH-AAAHHHH!!

Bubblegum:
Pick up that platter, tough guy. [Finn opens platter with a dead mouldy Candy Person]

Finn:
Old Mr. Cream Puff?

Bubblegum:
[giggles] We used to date. [injects serum into Cream Puff]

Finn:
Something's happening! Come on... come on!

Bubblegum:
Work!

[the green-glowing Mr. Cream Puff stands up and start garbling and oozing incoherently]

Finn:
Algebraic!

Bubblegum:
Wait, something's wrong.

Mr. Cream Puff:
SUGAR!!

[Cream Puff then oozes and flies away into a gigantic test beaker, mixing the serum, breaks and spraying its contents all over the graveyard. More dead Candy People rise from their graves]

Finn:
Hey, look! The decorpsinator serum is working.

Bubblegum:
No! This is wrong! They're not coming back to life, they're still dead! My decorpsinator serum — it's incomplete!!

Zombie:
Rah! Must eat sugar! Rugh—!

Finn:
[pushes it down] You're grounded, mister.

Bubblegum:
Oh, this is really bad. They're going to be attracted to the Candy Kingdom!

Finn:
Why?

Bubblegum:
Because the Candy People are made of sugar, ya ding-dong!

Zombie:
[gets on Bubblegum's lap] Gimme some sugar, baby...

Bubblegum:
Aah!

Finn:
Chew on THIS!! [kicks it]

Bubblegum:
Hee... Good one, Finn. Quickly! To the Kingdom!

Finn:
[kicks another] Get a life!!

Jake:
Finn, truth or dare?

Finn:
Dare! Ha ha!

Jake:
I dare you... to tell me the truth about what's goin' on in your mind. What were you and Bubblegum talkin' about when you were alone together?

Everyone:
Oooooohh!!

Finn:
Um, uhh... The truth is... uhh... [visualizes Bubblegum behind Jake]

Bubblegum:
"You promised you wouldn't frickin' tell ANYONE!! Aw, you're so cute, Finn."

Finn:
Ahhh... The truth is... that I'd rather play dodge socks! [throws sock at Jake's face]

Jake:
I'm not playing dodge socks until you stop dodging my questions! Hey... [sniffs sock] Old Mr. Cream Puff? Isn't he dead?

Finn:
Uh, give me my sock back! Dodge socks was a bad idea!

Jake:
Whoa! Look, dude, just tell me what's up, because you are crazier than a cannibal tonight.

Ice King:
What?! Who dares enter the Ice Kingdom?!

Finn:
Aw... Ice King's here...

Ice King:
You know why I'm here?! Do you know what ICE KING means!?!

Jake:
Yeah, I know what Ice King means. A big NERD.

Finn:
Oh-ho-ho! Holy cow!

Ice King:
It means I'm king of ice! This is my domain, and you're violating ice world law — trespassing!

Jake:
Come on, brother, we're just tryin' to beat the heat.

Finn:
Yeah, there's a big sleeping lava man in our front yard, and he is so hot...

Jake:
[hits Finn's arm suggestively] Mmm-hmm.

Finn:
No, no, wait, I take that back. I-I mean, not like sexy hot...

Jake:
No — no, you do mean sexy hot.

Finn:
No! I mean—

Ice King:
I DON'T CARE!! This is my kingdom! You guys can't just scoot about on my land, willy-nilly, I've got rules here!

Finn:
[sigh] Why don't you just try being cool?

Ice King:
WHAT!?! I am the king! I am the king of- of c-cool— [rambling] THAT'S IT!!!

Ice King:
Nice try, boy! Princesses, do you see? Did you see Finn fail?!

Jake:
Don't worry, Finn. I'll get us out... with Key Hand! [morphs hand into key]

Ice King:
Oh no, you won't! [zaps into the cage with everyone out of the way, onto Jake inside a block of ice]

Finn:
JAKE!!

Ice King:
Eat it.

Jake:
I'm... I'm okay...

Finn:
ICE KING!! YOU HAD BETTER EITHER SET US FREE, OR COME IN HERE AND FIGHT ME!! COS OTHERWISE.. I'M GONNA FLIP OUUT!!! [wailing at him through bars]

Ice King:
Ooh, are you trying to hit me? Well, excuse me, because I have to go potty in the bathroom.

Finn:
RRRR-ICE KING!!!!

Jake:
Finn, I know you don't want to hear this, but I think we should cut our losses and bring this fella back to where we found him.

Finn:
We can't just abandon him! Look at him, Jake! He needs us now more than ever! We just need to take better care of you from now on, right, little guy?

[the Jiggler's pressure builds up and explodes all of its magenta juices in front of Finn and Jake]

Finn:
JIGGLER!!!

[the Jiggler's body stretches in every direction and drapes the inside of the Tree Fort like taffy]

Jake:
Oh!

Finn:
Wha... wh—

Jake:
Finn? Okay.

Finn:
WHAAHH!!

Jake:
Our pet exploded.

Finn:
AAAAGGHH...!!

Jake:
Maybe we can scrape him up, and... ugh... [the Jiggler's upside-down head stretches down below]

Finn:
[gasps] Oh, holy moly! Don't worry, Jiggler! We'll fix you!

[he whistles holding the Jiggler's head, but only makes raspberry noises]

Finn:
Let's gather him up, Jake! He's all over the place! Even between the floorboards!

Jake:
And the cupboards!

Finn:
AND the galoshes!

Jake:
I wonder... where's his heinie? [sees lower torso on record player] Found it! C'mere, you! Hey! Ugh!

Finn:
Come on! Let's put him back together!

Jake:
Okay!

Finn:
Squeeze real hard. He's slipping!

Jake:
I got him!

[they both squeeze the Jiggler as hard as they could, and press it back into an indistinguishably disgusting mass]

Jake:
Well, at least he's all in one piece. [SPLAT!!] Sheesh... You think he's... dead?

Finn:
No way! I won't let you die, guy! Not this time!

Jake:
Hey, check it out!

Finn:
Whoa!

Jake:
Looks like a giant dead turtle.

Finn:
I think it's some kinda city of—

Hag:
[pops out of tree] THIEVES!! It's the City of Thieves! [points at Finn] Be warned, boy!! All who enter the city are destined to become thieves themselves! [cackles] Even you!

Finn:
I wouldn't become a thief, lady! I'm a pretty good guy.

Jake:
Yeah, get your glasses on, grandma. This kid is pure. In fact, he's about to help that little crying kid. [show a girl crying]

Finn:
Oh, whoa! [he and Jake run off]

Hag:
Be warned!!

Finn:
Enough, lady! [walks to girl] Hey, little girl, are you okay?

Girl:
[falls back] Please, don't steal anything from me!

Finn:
Whoa! We wouldn't do that. We're heroes.

Jake:
We wanna turn your frown... [twists the face he made on his stomach] all the way around.

Girl:
Aah! [starts crying again]

Finn:
[nudges him] Jake!!

Jake:
I'll face the other way, but I'm gonna keep doing this.

Finn:
So, what's wrong?

Girl:
Oh, it was terrible. I was trying to sell my flowers out here in the desert when these two thieves came and stole my whole basket, then ran into the city.

Finn:
The city?

Hag:
[pops up again] OF THIEVES!!

Jake:
Oh, boy...

Hag:
Heed my warning, boy! Enter the city, and you'll come out a thief!

Finn:
Never! [carries girl on his shoulders] I'll get this girl's flowers back.

Girl:
My name's Penny.

Finn:
I'll get Penny's flowers back and come out of that city as pure as the driven snow. Let's go, Jake!

Jake:
Yeah! We're gonna purify that city!

Finn:
How are we supposed to get that basket back if it keeps being stolen?! Ugh!!

Jake:
Hey! We can steal a new one from that guy! [points to a 'Baskets & Boots' seller with its owner snoozing] He's got lots of flower baskets... and boots! I'd like to steal me one of them pairs of boots, especially.

Finn:
No, Jake. We can't steal. We have to stay pure!

Jake:
[grumbles] O-kay...

Penny:
I have an idea. My mom used to tell me that there's a king of thieves who lives in the center of the city, and everything that gets stolen from little girls ends up at his tower. Maybe we'd find my basket in his treasure chest!

Finn:
That's a great idea, Penny!

Penny:
There's one thing, though. The tower that he lives in is surrounded by a magical barrier which magically keeps thieves out.

Finn:
Have you forgotten?! We three ain't thieves! We're PURE!! Right, Jake? Jake?

Jake:
[tiptoes to seller] Just gotta steal these boots...

Finn:
JAKE!!

Jake:
Huh?

Owner:
Hey! [swats Jake] Go away!!

Finn:
What are you doing, man?!

Jake:
It's the city! It's getting to me! Help me, Finn!!

Finn:
Get me out of the water! Now, Jake, now!

[Jake is shown bruised, saying "ow" as Finn steps on him, screaming]

Jake:
Finn! Stop it, Finn! OWWW!!

Finn:
[As one tiny drop of water flies onto Finn, slow motion] Yoooooouuuch! I'm afraid of you! I'm afraid of you! Aaaaaah!

[Finn drags himself to safety, then does the dance on his back and sighs.]

Finn:
[Drags himself to Jake's feet, with a very wrinkled face] Okay, yeah... Let's try tomorrow...

Finn:
Steady, Finn. This place is probably more creeped out of you than you are of it. [flips down] Hup!

Man:
Halt!!

Finn:
Hm?

Man:
Come no further, adventurer! For you see, none can defeat... the Bucket Knight!

Finn:
[encounters him in small scale] Okay. Then I won't fight ya.

Bucket Knight:
No! You must challenge me to—

Finn:
Hey, cutie, do you know how to get to the Crystal Eye from here?

Bucket Knight:
Yes, it's through that door over there, but—

Finn:
[walks past him] Thanks!

Bucket Knight:
Hey!! [Finn laughingly runs to the door] You can't pass through that door without battling me!

Finn:
Yes, I can! Because I'm HUGE compared to you!

Bucket Knight:
Just add water and... [drenches himself and grows larger] EXPONENTIAL GROWTH!!

Finn:
Aw, buckets!

Bucket Knight:
Now... activate thine own powers, and we shall engage in thrilling single combat!!

Finn:
Heh... thing is... I don't really have any powers.

Bucket Knight:
I see... [chases Finn screaming]

Finn:
Dang it! Jake wouldn't be running! He'd grow all big! And sock you right in the nose hole!!