Little Britain, Series One

Marjorie Dawes:
Meera?

Meera:
Fish and chips.

Marjorie:
Sorry, do it again...

Meera:
Fish and chips.

Marjorie:
She doesn't make sense... do it again.

Meera:
Fish and chips.

Marjorie Dawes:
Do it again.

Meera:
Oh forget it.

Marjorie Dawes:
Well it must be some sort of dish that we don't get over here.

[Marjorie writes down 'CURRY' on the whiteboard]

Marjorie Dawes:
Lettuce, Lettuce, High in fat, Low in fat, lettuce, Meera!

Meera:
Low in fat.

Marjorie Dawes:
No I can't do it again!

Meera:
Low in fat.

Marjorie Dawes:
No I can't do it again!

Meera:
Low in fat.

Marjorie Dawes:
No I can't do it again.

Paul:
She said Low in fat!

Marjorie Dawes:
Alright! Don't patronize her! *patronizes Meera* Low in fat, well done!

Marjorie Dawes:
So what advice can we give to Barbara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul.

Paul:
[sighs] Cut out biscuits.

Marjorie Dawes:
Cut out biscuits. Good. Anyone else? Mary?

Meera:
Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.

Marjorie Dawes:
Something about sugar. But really I think the most useful advice we can all give you is to look at the person inside. Because you're obviously an incredibly unhappy person.

Barbara:
No, I'm not!

Marjorie Dawes:
Well you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you anymore, but that's not for here. But as far as she's concerned if you got knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!

Barbara:
Mum does speak to me! I spoke to her yesterday!

Dad:
Hi, you - open for afternoon tea?

Ray McCooney:
Ooh. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not

[He plays the flute.]

Dad:
Oh, OK.

[He starts to walk out.]

Ray McCooney:
N-no, I am. Please. Sit down. Sit down.

[He shows them to a table]

Mum:
Oh, what an adorable little place.

Kimberley:
It smells funny in here.

Mum:
[whispers] Kimberley!

Ray:
I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.

[He puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley.]

Ray:
Here I am with the cake trolley.

Mum:
Ooh, those look great, don't they, Kimberley?

Kimberley:
I want the chocolate cake.

Mum:
OK, honey. [to Ray] Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if there are any nuts in it?

Ray:
Yeeeeees.

Mum:
What do you mean? Yes, there are nuts or yes you know?

Ray:
Yeeeeees.

Dad:
Well which?

Ray:
If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie, but if you call me false then I'll also tell ye a lie.

[He plays the flute]

Dad:
OK, so does the cake contain nuts?

Ray:
[picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The carrot cake contains... no nuts. [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts. [He plays the flute] No nuts. [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.

Dad:
[takes the cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?

Robot career counsellor:
What do you have in mind?

Boy:
Well, really ever since I was small I've always wanted to go into catering.

Robot:
In the future there will no jobs for humans in the catering industry. Only robots.

Boy:
Oh, does that include catering in hotels?

Robot:
Er, yes.

Boy:
Well the other thing I was thinking of was engineering. You see...

Robot:
There will be no jobs for humans. We will inherit the earth.

Boy:
Oh dear.

[It prints out a brochure.]

Robot career counsellor:
This booklet will explain everything. Go now.

Boy:
Thank you, sir.

Robot:
Tuck your shirt in. I am a robot.

Boy:
Yeah.

Vicky:
Yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no because I've never had sex apart from that one time eight months ago but apart from that I'm a complete virgin.

[Andy has chosen a card that says 'With Deepest Sympathy'.]

Lou:
Are you sure this is the card you want to send your brother Declan for his birthday?

Andy:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[After they have bought the card.]

Andy:
It's his birthday. He's not dead.

Social Worker:
Vicky, where is the baby?

Vicky:
Swapped it for a Westlife CD.

Social Worker:
How could you do such a thing?

Vicky Pollard:
I know, they're rubbish.

Daffyd has just discovered that Myfanwy is a lesbian, and is about to go on a date]

Daffyd:
Rhiannon, Rhiannon? And how far have you gone with this 'Rhiannon'?

Myfanwy:
Just a bit of fanny fun.

Daffyd:
Can I have a large brandy please, Miss Fitzwilliams?

Myfanwy:
Look, Daffyd, I got to go. Only Rhiannon's minge is going to get cold.

[Vicky has walked out of the class and left the pram with her baby in behind.]

Mr Collier:
Your baby?

Vicky:
Huh? Oh it's all right, you can keep it. I've got loads more at home anyway.

Ray McCooney is being faced by two taxmen, who are having trouble getting him to pay his debts]

Taxman:
Tell you what, Mr. McCooney. Why don't you pick up your quill?

Ray:
[picks up a pen] Ye-e-s.

Taxman:
And your magic money paper.

Ray:
[picks up cheque book] Oh Ye-e-s.

Taxman:
[winking at taxwoman] Put your mark upon it. [Ray McCooney signs the cheque] And we'll do the rest.

Ray:
[handing them the blank cheque] Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Taxman:
Good day.

[The taxmen leave.]

Ray:
A-fare-thee-well keepers of the purse! [Starts to play his picalillo but suddenly realises what he has just done] Shit!