Man To Man With Dean Learner

Dean Learner:
"I first met him when I was working at a horror publishing house called Beelzebooks. My background had been in high-quality upmarket erotica for the discerning connoseiur, so I wondered understandably whether I'd feel at home with a company that dealt exclusively in horror. Well, I had no idea how quickly the horror community - and it is a community - would wake up to the idea of scary porn. I wanted to release books that would give them a boner, but leave them too terrified to do anything about it."

Garth Marenghi:
"It's like when I was in the ambulance going to the hospital, I was still up for the craic, was I not? The ambulance driver turned round at one point and said, 'Please Mr Marenghi, will you stop talking or we're going to crash, what you're saying is that funny'."

Garth Marenghi:
"I was approached to be the face of Ginsters pies, which is hugely flattering of course, but I had to turn it down because the sheer number of freebies would have been a death sentence."

Dean Learner:
"It's like that philosophical question: If a tree falls in the forest, and I'm not there, and it makes a sound, but I don't hear it, but someone records it and plays it back to me at a dinner party, does that mean I'm still in the forest? And if I am, then why can't I just take a piss in the garden rather than queuing for the toilet? And that's if the toilet even exists, I've been trying to use it all f***ing night. I'm starting to doubt the existence of the toilet quite frankly at this stage of the proceedings. Get a portaloo is what I'm saying. If you're going to have a party of that size, get a portaloo. 'Cause I don't want to spend my entire f***ing evening in the corridor. And if philosophy can solve those questions, then it's worth it. But thus far it can't. So I'm f***ing busting, and what's Plato doing about it? Nothing."

Garth Marenghi:
"We're living in dangerous times Dean, we're living in a climate of fear. Kin is pitched 'gainst kin, and all along we're forgetting what is actually the real threat: the Dutch. They look very peaceful, they appear to be keeping themselves to themselves, but I'm watching them. And it's a good job I am because no-one else is. And if any aren't too sky-high off homebrew weed to be watching this, heed my words: I'm on to you."

Garth Marenghi:
"If I ever want inspiration, I generally just re-read one of my own books. There's usually something quite profound in there that I missed first time."

Dean Learner:
"My name is Dean Learner, and I guess you could say I'm a one-man brand. I've got a club called Deano's, a restaurant called Chez Deano, an erotic comic called The Deano, and a men's magazine called Jigglers. And that was originally called Deano's Jigglers, but the image it conjured up was - at best - harrowing."

Dean Learner:
"What is class? Well, it's impossible to define, despite what dictionaries would have us believe. But certain images can conjure up its essence: jumbo prawns, ankle bracelets, and dimmer switches in the toilet."

Dean Learner:
"Back in the eighties, I even had my own [racing] team, called The Dean Team. Perhaps you've heard of it, or perhaps you haven't - those are the two options."

Steve Pising:
(describing his favourite racing moment) "I'd have to say Brands Hatch '85. I was leading solidly for fifteen laps, then on lap 16 I was taken by Henrik Gregor, the fiery Sri Lankan. I got angry, I put my foot down, I did this (mimes turning a steering wheel) and I was back on pole.

Dean Learner:
"...And that was the greatest moment of your life?"

Steve Pising:
"Yes it was. I mean, there was a moment immediately prior to that where I had done this (mimes turning a steering wheel) and that was pretty special. I mean, I remember thinking 'that's probably my greatest moment', but then that moment led to this (mimes turning a steering wheel) which blew the previous moment right out of the park. In fact the only thing that's come close since is when I first saw the trailer to Troy."

Dean Learner:
"It's very difficult to find a good quality wet-wipe in any case, because I took Satu to the Ivy recently, and I asked for a wet-wipe and they said 'We don't do wet-wipes.' I said, 'The f*** you don't do wet-wipes! I'm paying two ton a head and you don't do f***ing wet-wipes?'"

Dean Learner:
"I warned you at the time that if you left [The Dean Team], things would not turn out well for you. And I was right, wasn't I?"

Steve Pising:
"True, it was an uncanny prediction because in my first race with my new team, I had a terrible crash that effectively put the brakes on my entire career."

Dean Learner:
"Which is ironic, because it was your brakes that failed during that race."

Steve Pising:
"It's one of those things that you just have to live with, Dean. I don't know how that brake cable became severed in 18 different places."

Dean Learner:
"It's a mystery. The injuries you received were extensive. I mean, no-one was more surprised than me when you pulled through."

Dean Learner:
"What was it like to drive a Formula Five car? What made it so exciting?"

Steve Pising:
"Well, I'd have to say the speed."

Dean Learner:
"The Speed."

Steve Pising:
"The sheer speed, Dean. There was nothing else like it. It was better than sex. Well certainly better than any sex I've ever had. And the feeling of speed was just indescribable."

Dean Learner:
"Alright. So what was it like?"

Steve Pising:
"As I say, it's indescribable."

Dean Learner:
"Try describing it"

Steve Pising:
"Really good."

Glynn Nimron:
(In his role as 'Bot' in the classic Sci-Fi series Galacticops) "It's too late for me Jack. My time is over. Do not weep for me, for I have known many wonderful things in my life as the ship's chief pleasure port. Why, you showed me the raining stars of Tramatricon 5; You showed me the twin moons of the Gantrax Helix, where we liberated the Houdramons from their vile slave masters; Restored the mighty Optrix. And you showed me that game with those majestic coloured orbs. What... what was the name of that game Jack?."

Jack:
"Snooker."

Dean Learner:
Where do these soft-rock BELLENDS get off? How the hell did they even come up with that name. I mean what were they thinking?....'You know, we're a soft rock outfit, we want a name that denotes sleekness and power, perhaps we should name ourselves after a wild cat? But, you know, we've also got a sensitive side, we're vulnerable - perhaps we should give this wild cat a disability?...What about rheumatic panther? I'm not so sure. How about a hearing impediment? - What about Deaf Leopard? Good idea but I tell you what, you best remove one of the vowels, otherwise it'd be a stupid name.' And do you know how they spell Leopard? L E Double P A R D, that's how they spell leopard, L E Double P A R D.......Benders.

Merriman Weir:
"This is a song about a lost love, literally a lost love - she went missing inside a garden maze on May Day past. It was one I designed myself during a particulalry self-destructive period of my life. It had man traps."

Dean Learner:
You were always bang on the money, weren't you, Amir? I mean, when I wanted to fuse the carvery with the disco to create the bistroteque, you said it wouldn't work, and you were right. People generally don't want a pre-lunch lapdance.