NewsRadio, Season 3

Mr. James:
I am a cipher, a cipher wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.

[Lisa is planning to expose Mr. James]

Dave:
All right, well, let's not go overboard. Let's try to remember that, at heart, Mr. James is a decent person.

Lisa:
Yes, they're all decent persons, Dave, but once a man throws his hat into the ring, it is my duty as a journalist to make him my bitch.

Mr. James:
Bill seems happy with 'adequate.'

Catherine:
Bill thinks having a bird crap on him is a compliment from the gods!

Beth:
That must be so demeaning, just getting coffee for people all day... Wait a minute...

Mr. James:
I'm sorry Dave, but a budget is a budget is a budget, to paraphrase...

Dave:
Gertrude Stein.

Mr. James:
What?

Dave:
Yeah, "A rose is a rose is a rose"

Mr. James:
That's really pretty Dave but can we get back to the budget!

Mr. James:
If I increased the budget every time morale was low, the guys in my asbestos factory would be driving around solid gold Cadillacs by now.

Mr. James:
You are totally under siege out there! It's just like that movie. What's its name?

Dave:
"Under Siege"?

Mr. James:
No.

Dave:
"Under Siege 2"?

Mr. James:
No.

Dave:
"Under Siege 3"?

Mr. James:
That's the one.

Lisa:
I don't think they made an "Under Siege 3".

Mr. James:
Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Dave:
Maybe you should lay off those sandwiches.

Bill:
No, that's just it. I finished the last one at 12:41 last night. Ever since, things have been happening to my body.

Dave:
Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?

Bill:
I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives. My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.

Dave:
No it hasn't.

Bill:
Yes it has. We're running out of time, look! Help me, I'm begging you!

Dave:
You actually dyed you hair grey to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine?

Bill:
Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me?

Dave:
Only if you dyed all your hair grey to match.

Bill:
I did!

Bill:
They're an acquired taste. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden days, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.

Lisa:
In the olden days, people used to die of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.

Bill:
All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.

Matthew:
I took third place in the costume contest last year.

Dave:
Really? What was your costume?

Matthew:
Motorcycle enthusiast.

Joe:
Gay biker.

Lisa:
The problem is you look better in my dress than I do.

Dave:
What?

Lisa:
You do. I've never been able to wear that dress because I just couldn't pull it off and now you just look like a million bucks.

Dave:
No. I look like a man in a dress, which is worth at most $150 on Ninth Avenue.

Dave:
Joe, why don't you just call in a specialist?

Joe:
I am a specialist.

Dave:
At what?

Joe:
At everything.

Bill:
Mr. Caan!

James Caan:
My father's Mr. Caan. Call me Jimmy.

Bill:
Likewise.

James Caan:
I'm sorry. I thought your name was Bill.

Bill:
It is. Easy mistake to make.

Bill:
you know, the forces of good and evil and constantly at war for my soul.

James Caan:
Yeah, well, that'll happen.

Matthew:
Oh, Dave, oh my, you would have loved it... a week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs.

Dave:
I know exactly what you mean, I've been to Canada.

Matthew:
Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.

Dave:
Clearly you've never been to Winnipeg.

Beth:
Doesn't he wonder how the candy got there?

Mr. James:
Nah, I think in Matthew's world candy elves are a common occurrence.

Lisa:
You're Canadian?

Mr. James:
I am?

Lisa:
Not you, sir. Him.

Mr. James:
Oh no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave?

Dave:
Yeah.

Lisa:
Then what is this all about?

Dave:
What's what all ab- uh... What's what?

Lisa:
You're afraid to say it, aren't you.

Dave:
No.

Lisa:
Yes, you are.

Dave:
No.

Lisa:
Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide, say "about".

Dave:
No.

Lisa:
Say it.

Dave:
No.

Lisa:
Say "out".

Dave:
No.

Lisa:
House. Couch.

Dave:
Your honor, I plead the fifth.

Lisa:
I don't know if you have that right.

Dave:
I do too, eh!

Mr. James:
Oh my God.

Dave:
Well, you've got me, alright? Yes, yes, I'm Canadian. And I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Davemobile.

Dave:
Yes, I am Canadian.

Bill:
It's not garbage. It's rap music. And I love it. The pulsating rhythms, raw bass line. This stuff speaks to me in places I didn't even know I had ears.

Jimmy:
And free advertising, well that's something you just can't buy.

Bill:
Another time I was cut from the high school football team. And my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback, but the McNeals have gained a daughter".

Bill:
You wouldn't know tough love if it stripped you to your jockeys and made you stand all night in the rain.

[Reading cards from the complaint box]

Dave:
"You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."

Joe:
Hey.

Dave:
[pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."

Lisa:
I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.

Dave:
Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.

[continues reading the complaint cards]

Dave:
Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."

Bill, Beth, Lisa, Matthew, Joe:
SHAFT.

Bill:
I thought we'd all enjoy that.

Dave:
[reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

Bill:
The eyes are the windows to the skull, my friend.

Dave:
Soul.

Bill:
For those who have one, yes.

Dave:
Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back?

Joe:
Because I needed both hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape!

Joe:
Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station?

Bill:
Joe's right. How come every time there's a problem you assume that it's one of us. What about them? What if it was... that guy who's name I don't know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-

Dave:
Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.

Bill:
Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.

Dave:
Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"

Bill:
Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?"

Dave:
Have you ever heard the expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?

Bill:
Have you ever heard the expression, "Only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?"

Andrew:
[in a high-pitched voice] Hey, everybody! It's me...Matthew!

Joe:
Dude, you're not Matthew.

Andrew:
Okay, obviously.

Bill:
I'll tell you what I'm high on...freedom!

Catherine:
Bill, you're locked up in a mental institution.

Bill:
And I've never felt freer.

Dave:
Bill, these people are insane.

Bill:
Oh, really? Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?

Dave:
[to Mr. James] Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."

Dave:
Can't you ever just be sincere and normal?

Bill:
In real life? No.

Dave:
What do you mean, in real life?

Bill:
On the radio I open up completely, really bare my soul.

Dave:
You do news, traffic, and weather.

Bill:
But I mean it.

Dave:
According to these numbers, when Bill's show comes on people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles and walk home rather than risk hearing another second.

Joe:
There is a very specific way you deal with a woman like that. You get down on your hands and knees and beg her to have sex with you.

Brent:
I like to try to categorize people by the animal they could be if they tried a little harder.

Joe:
Look, man, I don't care what you say about me, but making fun of alien technology is just stupid.

Catherine:
(reading the news) Tragedy struck today in Sector 9 as rebel terrorists blew up the Death Star killing thousands. The Rebel Alliance, a fringe group of Anti-Empire fanatics, has claimed responsibility for the terrorist act. Fortunately Lord Vader escaped without harm. Our hearts go out to the families of the victims.

Joe:
No matter how far technology advances it's still just a bunch of wires connected to other wires.

Beth:
So what's wrong with it?

Joe:
I can't seem to find any wires.

Bill MacNeil:
It's not fair. The station is a reliable workhorse--but I am nearly adequate?!?

Bill:
And remember, people, it's not whether you win or lose, because we are all going to lose in every possible category.

Beth:
So what do you do, keep all your money in a shoebox under your bed?

Joe:
Like I'd tell you where I keep my shoebox.

Lisa:
It's awkward meeting the boyfriend's parents for the first time. What if I snap and just start shouting obscenities uncontrollably?

Dave:
Then I will just tell them that you're a whore with Tourette Syndrome that I picked up at the airport.

Joe:
There, I took down all the Christmas decorations and threw away the Christmas tree.

Dave:
Great, Joe. Now you can fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.

Dave:
Matthew, Bill is not a god.

Matthew:
Time will tell.

Judge:
Is this your counsel?

Joe:
Yes, your honor. [conspiratorially] The Master Builder waits at the pyramids.

Judge:
I beg your pardon?

Joe:
I bet you do.

Andrew:
Dude, we're still brothers. It's just that we're not twins. And biologically speaking, we're not actually brothers, either.

Matthew:
But we look so much alike.

Andrew:
No we don't. I'm three inches shorter than you are. You have blond hair, I have brown hair. I have green eyes, you have blue. I can grow a beard. I'm Jewish! How old are you?

Matthew:
Twenty-eight.

Andrew:
And how old am I?

Matthew:
Twenty-nine. But I just thought it was because you came out first.

Dave:
Bill, what possessed you to negotiate a raise that would cripple the station?

Bill:
Greed.

Dave:
And what has that greed gotten you?

Bill:
Money.

Dave:
And what has that money gotten you?

Bill:
Happiness, but stop trying to cheer me up!

Mr. James:
[about the word "non-profit"] It's an oxymoron.

Dave:
You mean like military intelligence.

Mr. James:
Yeah, or Swiss cheese.

Bill:
[looks at a picture on Dave's desk] She looks like quite a woman, Dave. Your mom is really something.

Dave:
Bill, that's Lisa. This is my mom.

Bill:
Oh. Now I don't feel so guilty trying to picture her naked.