The Office, Season 6

Jim:
This is "parkour", the internet sensation of 2004. It was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing parkour as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.

Andy:
This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before actually. Just a weird coincidence. A little too weird. Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all! Whoa! Which it is, of course. But it makes you wonder.

Michael:
How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?

Jim:
Michael, we only told our parents last week.

Michael:
Did you pee on a stick?

Jim:
I did. It was inconclusive.

Michael:
You should've told me.

Pam:
You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part in this.

Creed:
If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am I working toward?

Michael:
I'm going in for a procedure today.

Oscar:
Is everything ok?

Michael:
Yeah. It's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.

Oscar:
I'm sure everything will be fine. What's the procedure if you don't mind my asking?

Michael:
It is a colonoscopy.

Oscar:
Ok.

Michael:
In your experience, what should I be expecting, in terms of sensation. Or, emotions. [pause] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shandri. My main concern is should I have a safe word?

Oscar:
Yeah. [leaves]

David Wallace:
A cheese platter?

Andy:
Oui, oui, monsieur. From the Wisconsin region: a nice, firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find here a cheddar-style spread, which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind, which I believe you will find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a quick trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine blue cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the Goldfish take a little swim in the blue cheese. Bon appétit.

Oscar:
Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?

Michael:
You know, what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.

Jim:
You mean on a weekend.

Michael:
...Yes.

Dwight:
Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing: a three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.

Jim:
I just wanna say how happy we are, that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who have traveled from far away to be here with us tonight. Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl, who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to wait. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family, that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And, uh, do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive stick?

Pam:
Like a year!

Jim:
I've been driving stick since high school, so... For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with, but I think even then I knew that...I was waiting for my wife.

Manager:
Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.

Kevin:
They were stolen?

Manager:
No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.

Kevin:
But that was my only pair of shoes.

Manager:
It became a safety issue, sir.

Michael:
They asked for cash but, you know, I give them cash every week. So, how much cash does a person need? I have taken it on myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.

Jim:
I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a backup plan. The boat was actually Plan C, the church was Plan B, and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

Oscar:
Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others. Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak.

Toby:
[In interview] Oscar said I checked out? [shrugs] Well...

Dwight:
"R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not mukduk.

Jim:
Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.

Pam:
You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.

Michael:
I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt, although she just blocked me on IM. What's-her-face from Quizno's? I see her four times a week.

Dwight:
Jim is my enemy, but it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So actually, Jim is my enemy. But-

Michael:
I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Dammit, he'd still look good.

Dwight:
Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?

Michael:
I am going to give you a raise.

Pam:
Why?

Michael:
Because of all the good work you've done.

Pam:
I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.

Michael:
That's... no, no, it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.

Pam:
I have the worst attitude of any person here.

Michael:
Do you want the raise or what?

Pam:
Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave]

Michael:
Hey, Pam, Pam, with this raise there are strings attached. And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.

Pam:
You're bribing me?

Michael:
No! No... no, I am not. Unless you want me to. Do you want me to? 'Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't... unless I haven't offered you enough. Your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me, face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or-

Pam:
I want to hit you.

Michael:
What?

Pam:
I want to hit you. I'll do that.

Jim:
Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.

Pam:
Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.

Meredith:
Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.

Pam:
I do not.

Andy:
Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.

Kevin:
Ooooh, now do the Swedish chef.

Andy:
Uh, not familiar. What province is he from?

Kevin:
He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.

Michael:
[in a limo] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.

Andy:
Hey guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?

Michael:
Definitely.

Dwight:
Smells like it.

Michael:
Definitely. Look they got pillows. That's bigger than my bed.

Dwight:
Word.

Andy:
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

[The limo driver raises the divider window]

Alan:
There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch Manager.

Dwight:
Yes!

Alan:
In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [little applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [louder, more enthusiastic applause]

Pam:
Obviously, there's been some kind of mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.

Andy:
That would be...employee #3, which is...son-of-a-bitch! Pam Halpert.

Phyllis:
How is that possible? No offense, Pam, but how the hell is that possible?

Dwight:
[feigning ignorance] There must be some reasonable explanation for this.

Pam:
Oh, wait, come on! I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.

Andy:
Oh, really? From what, two to four?

Pam:
[in confessional] Yup!

Michael:
I just, I fell in love with these kids. And I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made 'em a promise: I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life, but hands down that was the most generous.

Michael:
David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as.

David:
I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up.

Michael:
I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.

David:
Michael...

Michael:
I am Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis-a woman-has uslurped my role as Santa.

Jim:
[to Michael] You can't yell, "I need this! I need this!" as you pin an employee down on your lap.

Michael:
Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And I'm...pretty nervous about it. And I'm...making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star...or any number of drag queens.

Toby:
I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth.

Christian Slater:
So you've just been bought by Sabre. You've probably got a lot of questions. Hi, I'm Christian Slater. What's it like to work for Sabre? Let's find out together. Working at Sabre means taking on the challenge of the road that rises to meet you. Sabre is respecting the past, but opening a window to the future. Have you ever tasted a rainbow? At Sabre, you will.

Andy:
Hey, any fun weekend plans?

Erin:
No, you?

Andy:
Uh, no, actually. So nothing? No movies, or parties, or anything you might want to invite someone to?

Erin:
Nothing. It's wide open.

Andy:
Okay.

[cuts to Andy in an interview]

Andy:
That's as hard as I can hint.

Jo:
This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know? You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?

Jim:
I don't think so.

Jo:
Michael?

Michael:
Forget the question.

Jo:
I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.

Michael:
I humbly accept the management position.

Jim:
Why would you just say something like that?

Michael:
Because, well, Jim, where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.

Jim:
You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I'm think I'm definitely in it for the money. And, quite honestly, the women.

Pam:
I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.

Jim:
Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.

Pam:
If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.

Jim:
Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.

Pam:
I cannot wait for that joke to be over.

Dwight:
Bear my child.

Angela:
Excuse me?

Dwight:
I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything. [Angela is silent] Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 pm at our old meeting spot and bang it out.

Michael:
There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together and I made a family.

Erin:
Did you grow up around here?

Kevin:
No.

Erin:
So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?

Kevin:
Yes.

Michael:
Kevin, Erin would like a few words with you.

Erin:
Hey.

Kevin:
Hi.

Erin:
I have really enjoyed our time together.

Kevin:
Yeah, me too.

Erin:
I want to continue working on our friendship.

Kevin:
Really, really fun.

Erin:
Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.

Kevin:
Yeah, me too.

Erin:
And, you're my friend.

Kevin:
Yeah.

Erin:
And I hope that I'm your friend... and maybe...

Kevin:
Yeah.

Michael:
Oh my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?

Kevin:
You said she liked me.

Michael:
Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.

Michael:
It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.

Dwight:
They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!

Gabe:
Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.

Michael:
Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just...imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice cream cone.

Pam:
Hey baby, what's up?

Jim:
I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?

Pam:
Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.

Jim:
Oh my God, I couldn't envy you more.

Dwight:
Hope... grows

Michael:
...in a dump.

[Isabel watches Dwight play Whack-a-Mole]

Isabel:
You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?

Dwight:
Whacking moles.

Hide:
In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, Yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die! Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No english, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!

Erin:
And then my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and... I don't know. I couldn't keep up.

Michael:
You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.

Dwight:
I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot because of your race.

Kelly:
Well they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right.

Creed:
You ever notice you can only ooze two things? Sexuality and pus. Man, I tell ya.

Dwight:
I always knew I would be destroyed by my own creation, but honestly I thought it would be that bull that Mose and I are trying to reanimate.

Dwight:
Stop it!

Jim:
Stop what?

Dwight:
You're talking about me in Morse code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse code. Ha!

Jim:
Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.

[cut to Jim and Pam in interview]

Jim:
Yup. That's exactly what we did.

Dwight:
All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.

Michael:
I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband...or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.

Meredith:
That is something I would never do.

Michael:
Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.

Meredith:
Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.

[cut to Meredith in interview]

Meredith:
I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"

Jo:
When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: "What do we do when we find the guilty party?" And if they said, "Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice", innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said, "Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah", well, nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check.

Nick:
I saw all your hard drives and guess what? [gestures to Ryan] You're not a photographer. [gestures to Kelly] And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! Alright? And you. [points to Andy] This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it. Check it out. [gives everyone the finger and leaves]

Michael:
Oh, what did you do today?

Jim:
I made a sale.

Michael:
Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt.

Michael:
It's not 1890 any more. This is modern day and women have sex before marriage. And I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day, she would be considered a whore, but now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them. And we need to encourage that.

Pam:
Michael, let me make this very easy for you. I could give a shit about your happiness, stop dating my mother!

Michael:
You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder.

Michael:
The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. You can only make fun of things that they have control over. Like Oscar, is gay. That is his choice. We can make fun of that. I did not choose to fall into a koi pond.

Toby:
Michael, you still can't make fun of people for race or gender or sexual orientation.

Michael:
Who let—Who let the lemonhead into the room? You are a waste of life, and you should give up...is what I want to say, but I won't because that is why we're doing this right now. So Toby, welcome to sensitivity training. For real.

Michael:
I have been saying the word 'manager' a lot, so whenever Jo thinks 'manager', she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vice versa.

[Dwight sees that Jim is sitting on his and Dwight's desks stacked on top of each other]

Dwight:
What the hell is this?! This is not Mega-Desk.

Jim:
No, it's not. They call it Quad-Desk.

Dwight:
That's ridiculous, this is made up of three desks.

Jim:
Oh my God. We're going to have to re-name it then, aren't we?

[Phone underneath the desks rings; Dwight crawls into the nook of Quad-Desk to answer it]

Dwight:
Hello, Dwight Schrute?

Toby:
[while Michael makes fart noises] Come on, Michael. You're interrupting.

Michael:
You're kidding me! God! You say radon is silent but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?! You know what? We're not going to die of radon, we're going to die of boredom.

[Everyone laughs]

Michael:
Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

[Everyone groans in disapproval]

Michael:
Okay. Alright.

Dwight:
You were being really funny, and then you went too far.