Peep Show, Series 3

Mark:
(Fish pie then missionary sex and Newsnight afterwards.)

Mugger 2:
Alright mate?

Mugger 1:
Will you lend us your phone mate?

Mark:
[startled]...What?

Mugger 1:
Lend us your f***in' phone!

Mark:
Why?

Mugger 2:
Well I need to make a call.

Mark:
....Dont you have your own phone?

Mugger 2:
Come on, lend us your phone.

Mark:
Right... it's just... 'Neither a lender nor a borrower be'!

Mugger 1:
Do you think we're some pair of shit-houses?

Mark:
No! God, no! It's just a... It's a BlackBerry and....

Mugger 2:
Give us your phone! Give us your wallet!

Mugger 1:
Come on! Before we f***in' do you!

Mark:
(Do me? Are they going to rape me? Or kill me? If they rape AND kill me, I hope they kill me first....I sort-of win...) [Hands over the phone]

Mugger 1:
Is that it? You got nothin' else?

Mark:
[meekly] ...Yes

Mugger 2:
What else?

Mark:
There's my travel card? (That's right, Mark, help the muggers...what do you want, approval?)

Mugger 1:
[They laugh at Mark's photo] Alright, now piss off!

Mark:
[inwardly indignant] Oh this really takes the biscuit.

Mugger 2:
FASTER..."

Mark:
I thought it was at least the muggers who had to run off. The victim flees -

Mugger 1:
FASTER!!"

Mark:
[running] Oh this really leaves a sour taste.

Mark:
(Note to self re: being the Fonz - Mark, you are *not* the Fonz.)

Big Suze:
Hey, Jez! Look at all the lovely normal people.

Jez:
"You've got to toughen up. This is the 21st century. You've seen 'Mad Max', haven't you? That's what's going to happen!

Mark:
Mad Max isn't necessarily going to happen.

Jez:
You're still living in your Hitchhiker's Guide world where you wander around in your dressing gown and have a nice cup of tea.

Mark:
(They're alright with hitting, but apparently there's a massive taboo against stabbing.)

Jeremy:
About Stu (He's a monk, he's gonna have fifteen years of spunk backed up. How am I supposed to compete with that?)

Jeremy:
Yeah. Take that Stu, you lump of monk. God didn't protect you from my big fist.

Jeremy:
(Still drinking alone, what's the big deal? If I drink a bottle of vodka and a man's there does that somehow make it alright?)

[Stu appears]

Stu:
Hey man, I'm really parched, you mind if I have a swig of something?

Jeremy:
Whatever.

[Stu drinks from the milk jug]

Jeremy:
(God, that's what a man should look like. Look at that body. Those arms.)

Stu:
Listen man, I know you still have feelings for Suze and that's fine. So, it's really nice to meet you, and...no hard feelings. Yeah?

Jeremy:
Yeah

[Jeremy stands up to shake Stu's hand, but pulls back at the last moment and wiggles his fingers in front of his face and laughs]

Stu:
What does that mean?

Jeremy:
You know what it means, Stu, by how it makes you feel! That's what it means. [Stu begins to walk away] Welcome to big school!

Jeremy:
(God I must look so cool to her, like Pete Doherty or Bukowski. Yeah, that's right honey, I'm a street fighting man. God she's probably getting wet just looking at me.) Hold your horses honey, I've got coupons for the Pringles.

Mark:
(Look at me; I've got a girlfriend. A proper girlfriend reading a best-seller about child-abuse. I go out and have croissant. I'm just a normal functioning member of the human race and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.)

[Super Hans nonchalantly flings Merry's laptop across the room]

Jez:
Super Hans!

Super Hans:
Oh, what? Oh, 'cause it's a computer you think it's made of spiders webs and magic? It's just a metal box Jez, they're indestructible.

Mark:
I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.

Jeremy:
"If you build it, they will come". That's my market research.

Mark:
Your market research is Field of Dreams? I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts? That's your role model?

Jez:
Mark, do you have to live quite so relentlessly in the real world?

Jez:
People like lager and nuts.

Super Hans:
People like Coldplay and voting for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.

Jez:
I'm definitely not co-managing a pub called 'Free the Paedos'.

Jez:
I'm just really not happy with the name Free the Paedos. I mean, can't we call it something more normal like... The Swan and Tomato?

Super Hans:
Yeah, or compromise? The Swan... and Paedo.

Jez:
Yeah OK!

Mark:
(I'd like to chemically alter my girlfriend's mood)

Mark:
She's very ill. We need to get her to someone-

Jeremy:
Who has more responsibility for her than us.

Mark:
Exactly.

Super Hans:
Did you try to section me?

Jeremy:
No. (That sounded convincing.)

Jeremy:
Do you really think if you give her back those papers, she's going to let you screw her?

Jeremy:
(If I was getting sectioned, I'd put up more of a fight. Downside: Could get lobotimised)

Jeremy:
Your dream is just everybody, grey, on the omnibus, eating grey sludge. That's your dream isn't it?

Jeremy:
If YOU try to section me Mark you will have crossed a line and I will section you, so help me...

Doctor:
Look guys. You've had your fun with the sectioning. There's going to be no more sectioning today.

Jez:
Oh Suze, it's not scary; you just lose your sense of who you are and all that shit.

Big Suze:
Will I still be able to play the piano?

Jez:
Of course! Suze, they're mushrooms; they're completely natural! Nothing natural ever hurt anybody, that's a scientific fact.

Jez:
If people only did everything they wanted everyone would just spend all day sitting on the carpet watching the poker channel, wanking and eating those expensive German biscuits. Probably.

Super Hans:
Listen love, just a little tip alright? You're on the edge now and you need to pick the right way. One way's heaven, and the other... well... probably best not to think about that right now... but it's f***in' 'orrible, yeah?

Jez:
You da man!

Mark:
I'm a man!

Jez:
It's you da man.

Mark:
Whatever, Jeremy, let's not quibble. I'm a Man!

Jez:
(Shit. We're so angry together. The righteous indignation of the common man! Maybe we can start a union... The Woodworkers and General Persons Union.)

Jez:
(Maybe we'll become best mates and he'll train me up to be a carpenter like Jesus. And if I get crucified, he'll start a religion in my name. Jeremism. 'I'm a Jeremist.' Nice.)

Jez:
(It's not like I'm going to rape him. I could rape him... I'm not going to rape him.)

Jez:
I'm going to get us both really high and then try to put my hand up her jumper.

Mark:
That's your plan is it?

Mark:
Let me out! Let me out I need a poo!

Mark:
(This is the last friendship I have that's not backed up by a legally enforceable document.)

Mark:
(Oh God. Can I do this? If I do this, even if I end up marrying Sophie and we live in a detached house in Surrey and we buy a holiday home in Umbria, our children will always look up at the face of a man who once crapped in a takeaway bag. Plus... I'd have to hide it here, somewhere in my room next to one of my things. I could throw it out the window. No, that's what they want you to do. That's where society's headed. People shitting in bags and throwing it out the window at each other. Well, I'm not going to be the first. Not in my name!)

Super Hans:
Ooh yeah. These are the good times, love; after the initial nausea passes, but before the grinding comedown. Lovely.

Johnson:
Is that normal pooing you're doing, Mark?

Mark:
Yes, perfectly normal.

Johnson:
Doesn't sound normal... Doesn't smell normal. This is bollocks, Mark! You know the credo: illness equals weakness. You're off the team.

Jez:
So this is my big evening, is it? Me, tripping my nuts off, watching you do endless pooing.

Mark:
Nothing means anything to you, does it? Friendship, loyalty - they're just fusty old words like sixpence and codpiece to you, aren't they?

Mark:
(Looking at porn is like lying to Parliament. It used to be wrong but now it's all a big laugh.)

Mark:
(Oh my God. I've fallen in love with her. Of course. Brilliant. How incredibly predictable. What a total f***ing dope.)

Mark:
(He's gonna get cancer and I'm not. I don't want him to but obviously one of us is going to get it and I'd rather it was him.)

Mark:
Promise me you will not try to sleep with her.

Jez:
I promise I will try not to sleep with her.

Mark:
So. You slept with her. You promised.

Jez:
I promised to try not to.

Mark:
Yeah, well you didn't try very hard did you.

Jez:
Mark, I tried incredibly hard. It just turns out it was literally impossible not to.

Jez:
(How can Mark be in love with Big Suze? It's like Swaziland trying to invade China - it's a bloody political joke.)

Mark:
(They're rubbing it in my face. It's like I've got his member in my face.)

Mark:
(Great. Okay, so I've 'dumped' my sister. That's great. That feels good. I'm intrigued to see what I'm gonna do next. Maybe I'll ring up Grandad, and tell him I think he's a boring twat.)

Mark:
[Whilst jogging] (Hey! Wow, I'm actually good at this. Maybe I'm a natural - yeah, I'm a jogger! Of course, there had to be a sport for me, I just never realised. Legs like two great steam locomotives, pumping away, I'm unstoppable - JESUS, is that a stitch? F***, I'm gonna be sick, I need to walk. Oh, I think I'm gonna puke, I'm literally going to die, ugh, what an idiotic boob I was back ten or eleven seconds ago.)

Jez:
Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers.

Mark:
Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can't face reality.

Jez:
It's probably some young black kid who's been accused of stealing a bun, and I'm going to set him free.

Mark:
No smoke without fire? Is that what 1000 years of British Judicial Law has come down to? No smoke without fire?!

Mark:
Saying 'I Love You' is like firing first in a duel; if you miss, you're f***ed!

Jez:
Sometimes I tell them I love them early on on a first date just to get things off to a good start.

Mark:
Doesn't that... devalue it a bit?

Jez:
No. Maybe. A bit. Who cares, it works.

Mark:
You'd be the first to admit that you're not the most rational thinker.

Jez:
No I wouldn't!

Mark:
You still don't understand what happens in Ocean's Eleven.

Jez:
It's a complicated film.

Mark:
It really isn't.

Jez:
(This isn't wrong - just illegal - like drink-driving.)

Jez:
Oh that is typical. "Jeremy can't be trusted to judge the woman he's sleeping with but ... Tony Blair can?"

Jez:
Look Mark, I'm a musician, in case you'd forgotten. Yeah? I answer to a higher law. The law of "if it feels good, do it".

Mark:
Oh, that's a great law isn't it? What's that, Gaddafi's law?

Jez:
It's the musician's law. Colonel Gaddafi could not lay down a bass hook, Mark. That should be clear even to you!

Jez:
(I'm in Twelve Angry Men. I'm the only one who's not angry. I'm horny. That's much nicer.)

Mark:
Sophie! The Sophster! Sophistry!

Mark:
So, a candle stuck in a wine bottle apparently doesn't cut it anymore. Now for a special night you have to have Class-A drugs and... fisting.

[About ecstasy]

Jez:
Jesus Mark, why didn't you bang one?

Mark:
Because I don't want to wake up dribbling in a phone box with a trucker's penis in my ear!

Mark:
It's like I'm trapped in a giant aero!

Mark:
(How did my house become a rave? This is probably how a squat starts. They'll never leave and eventually they'll brick me up in my room and ownership will pass to them because a high court judge will rule me to be officially not living life to the max.)

Mark:
While we're at it, there are systems for a reason in this world. Economic stability, interest rates, growth. It's not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes, alright? It's only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you're not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth. And a little pill with a chicken on it is not going to change that. Now come on... f*** off.

Jez:
(Oh yeah. Justice is done. Not actual justice, but, what I wanted to happen. Which is basically the same thing.)

[to Jez playing darts]

Mark:
Are you aiming for the bulls-eye?

Jez:
Yeah, 'course I am, it's the best thing on the board!

Mark:
No, it isn't.

Jez:
Mark, just look at it. It's tiny, it's red, it's right in the bloody middle. 'Course it's the best thing on the board!

Mark:
(Oh great, she posted the guide book. I suppose I'm supposed to think that's incredibly charming and French. Well it's not, it's a waste of £8.99.)

Mark:
(She's looking for company after a minute of uncomfortable silence. Well, get used to it, baby. There'll be a lot more where that came from when we're married.)

Super Hans:
We'll be going to bed when Mark's getting his morning horn off the FT.

Jez:
Right well, let's crack on.

Super Hans:
Don't. Say. Crack, Jez. Yeah? Please. Not now. 'Cause you saying crack makes me think about crack and I love crack. So can you not say crack?

Mark:
(Why won't that stupid bitch let me propose to her?)

Super Hans:
I've got a monkey on my back the size of King Kong. I am being f***ed by King Kong!

Mark:
We're not going to be two of those idiots you hear about who go up a mountain in Flip Flops and Sombreros and have to be rescued.

Jeremy:
Would you rather be one of those idiots they find frozen to death, drinking his own piss while badgers chew on his corpse?

Mark:
[Dividing up his chocolate] There's seven segments, so that three each and one left over which is mine since... it's all mine.

Jeremy:
Oh, the spirit of the The Blitz lives on. F***in' hell.

Jeremy:
(She's so Beautiful and Fancy. If there weren't a junkie in my room shitting and retching and hurling, it would be just like Pride and Prejudice)

Mark:
(At least he doesn't know about my emergency Twix).

Jeremy:
(I'm so tired. She's gonna have a hell of a job coaxing a hard-on out of me. But I bet she'll manage)

Mark:
(Yes, this me-not-loving-her business will sort of put me in a position of power in our marriage. Yes. I win.)

Super Hans:
Drugs! Drugs! Drugs!

Super Hans:
I'd probably be very angry with you right now, if I weren't so incredibly high.

Jez:
Super Hans, are you trying to skin up with your feet again? Because it doesn't work, does it? It just makes a mess.

Jeremy:
Why were you phoning me anyway, you big idiot?

Mark:
Well, I wanted to talk some stuff through with someone didn't I? You big.. dick.

Jeremy:
What stuff? You're not having gay feelings again Mark?

Mark:
No, one time that happened.

Jeremy:
So you accepted the acceptance?

Mark:
I had to .. it was check mate.

Merry:
You know, my bone's got a little machine.

Mark:
[knocking on the locked bedroom door] Open up! Open up, you bloody asshole!

Jez:
Mark, I'm sorry, but can you please keep down the banging?

Mark:
You bloody - I can't believe you!

Jez:
Look, please, be quiet, okay?

Mark:
[shaking the door handle] Let me out! Let me out I need a poo!

Jez:
[slips a takeaway bag under the door] Do your business in there if you have to. God, you're disgusting.

Mark:
(Oh God. Can I do this? If I do this, even if I end up marrying Sophie and we live in a detached house in Surrey and we buy a holiday home in Umbria, our children will always look up at the face of a man who once crapped in a takeaway bag. Plus... I'd have to hide it here, somewhere in my room next to one of my things. I could throw it out the window. No, that's what they want you to do. That's where society's headed. People shitting in bags and throwing it out the window at each other. Well, I'm not going to be the first. Not in my name!)