Peep Show, Series 6

Super Hans:
You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA, but you've also got a f***ing van. You're not just a man anymore - you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.

Mark:
OK. Keys, change, wallet, phone. OK.

Jeremy:
Jesus.. You are something else.

Mark:
Thank you very much.

Jeremy:
(He took the insult as a compliment. Shit! He could become invulnerable!)

Sophie:
One small spritzer, half a unit. Should I have got written permission?

Mark:
Listen to her, she's exaggerating for comic effect!

Mark:
The recession is here and my new sofa is a white elephant.

Jez:
[Stroking the leather] It's a creamy elephant!

Mark:
Please don't call it the creamy elephant.

Mark:
(I'm becoming the Fuhrer - the Fuhrer of Laughs!)

Mark:
(I'm Russell Brand, and he's lovely Andrew Sachs.)

Jeremy:
Oh my god! It's wheels within wheels! I've been invited inside, with the bean counters and the water boarders!

Mark:
(At some point he's going to find out what goes in sausages.)

[The fire alarm goes off at JLB]

Jeremy:
..what's?

Mark:
Fire alarm.

Jeremy:
Oh god, look at you. Frightened little mouse.

Mark:
It's a fire alarm Jeremy!

Jeremy:
Oh yeah, right, like there's a fire! There's never a fire, Mark, it just doesn't happen! I mean, maybe in a film, but...

Mark:
So what? There's never been a fire, anywhere?

Jeremy:
Not in an office, in England. God, you're pathetic! Ooh, fire! Please don't burn me or my posessions! I'm so important and flammable!

Mark:
Is this a test?

Security Guard:
No, not a test.

Jeremy:
Come on, Mark! F***ing hell, get your elbows in! It's all gone backdraft!

Mark:
I thought I might do a skit with Dobbie.

Jez:
Oh, I get it! The smell of the grease-paint, the swish of the curtain, the rub-job in the dressing room.

[Discussing both being fired]

Jeremy:
They've really screwed us, man!

Mark:
They've screwed me, they've diddled you at best.

Mark:
(Well, got Dobbie, but there goes the Nazi gold, back in the vault with all the Rembrandt's')

[Mark and Jez see Elena at the supermarket]

Mark:
She is very attractive. But brown rice and Pop Tarts? Camomile tea and economy vodka? That's a car crash of a shopping basket.

Mark:
(He actually thinks he has suave spermatazoa. He characterises his sperms!)

Mark:
[Trying to operate the new boiler] Obey my commands, Orac!

Jeremy:
Mark, just because today was the first time you have ever, ever, EVER successfully arranged a date with a woman, does not suddenly make you Alfie, ok?

Mark:
Why do you insist on seeing the anus as some sort of human USB port, just waiting to have all kinds of hardware plugged into it?

Jeremy:
Fork my leg.

Mark:
I do sort of want to but... no, too weird!

Mark:
We are not equals-pequals!

Mark:
You haven't drunk all the difficult conversation wine, have you?

Jeremy:
Just because I'm dealing a little bit of drugs it does not make me a drug dealer!

Mark:
Yes it does.

Jeremy:
Oh god. Come Mr Taliban, tally my bananas!

Jeremy:
(Yeah! Russian men are probably all infertile! Thanks Chernobyl!)

Mark:
Condom, condom, condom. Although maybe, two?

Dobby:
Two condoms?

Mark:
Two's company. In fact, maybe I should go for a third. Three is the magic number. (I've got to tell her. I couldn't slide this in anyway. It'll be like trying to clingfilm an earthworm.)

Mark:
Shove that up your bollocks!

Mark:
(Dobby: the anxious self-hating man's crumpet. But probably best if I never ever say that to her.)

Mark:
(Oh my God, there's a baby in there, about the size of a croissant. A terrifying, life-altering croissant-baby!)

Jez:
Oh and I saw the porn she was looking at! Man, it's hot! She's got great taste, it was the most fantastic porn I've ever seen.

Mark:
Isn't it just the usual dead-eyed men f***ing dead-eyed women in a desperate world of pain?

Jez:
I don't want to tempt fate, but I think everything is going to be totally great forever.

Jez:
Always wipe, Mark. Discharge your pipe, then have a wipe. That's the rhyme.

Jez:
Oh my giddy arse!

Jez:
She's the one person for me, in the whole world.

Mark:
Isn't it convenient that out of the approximately three billion adult women in the world, your one true love happens to live in the same block of flats as you, instead of in a village in Mozambique?

Mark:
Why does everything have to be fun to be worthwhile? Crick and Watson have discovered the double helix. Did they do it on a skateboard? No? Well f*** off then, I'm not interested.

Sophie:
Obviously it would be really great if you were happy but it's not the most pressing thing.

Mark:
No... no, of course not.

Jez:
Why do you have to bring worry and doubt into everything? You're like some kind of mad evangelist for anxiety!

Mark:
(Lots to go around old son. I'm probably a few grams lighter now.)

Sophie:
When our child looks up at you, I want them to see a happy, contented role model - not some grey faced, dull eyed drone who's hated his job and his life for years.

Mark:
(Must ring Dad).

Mark:
Oh dear, he's having an episode. Should I... put my hand on his arm? No. That sets a precedent.

Jez:
I don't want to take another wank bullet. What, am I some kind of wank shield!?

Mark:
I think we can count our friendship pretty much over from now on.

Jez:
Oh, don't be a cock!

Mark:
I'm not a cock, but the cock has certainly crowed... thrice.

Jez:
When? What are you talking about?

Mark:
It means you've betrayed me, it's the New Testament. You cock!

Mark:
I don't think I wiped off that porn you recommended.

Jez:
I didn't recommend it Mark. I'm not Timeout.

Mark:
Yes you did - you gave it five stars!

Mark:
That's the single nicest thing Jez has ever done for me and it's completely ruined my life.

Jez:
It's a great boiler, it's just got a very idiosyncratic control panel. It's like the Jesus and Mary Chain of central heating control systems, difficult to get into initially, but then- so much to explore!

Jez:
So you'll buy tissue paper for me to wipe my sphincter, but you won't buy a bit of lube to aid the giving and receiving of pleasure?

Mark:
That's right.

Elena:
Gail's in Mensa. She reads books. For fun!

Jez:
Me and this Gail, we're just eating from different sides of the plate. I play woodwind, she's on brass.

Johnson:
In, fire thirty percent of the workforce, new logo, boom, out. You are now a fully trained management consultant.

Johnson:
Stick it on the laterbase!

Johnson:
Print you damnable fudger.

Elena:
Isn't there a saying in life: "Whatever you don't know makes you stronger"?

Mark:
No.

Elena:
Maybe it would be better if you told him.

Mark:
Better for who? For you?

Gail:
I'm in a relationship, Mark...and it's a same-sex relationship. And I don't find you attractive. Even speaking objectively.

Mark:
(Great! The big triple: uninterested, unavailable and physically repulsed.)

Mark:
(It's NOT wireless! It doesn't say it's wireless… It needs wires!)

Jez:
I'm freezing. Could you throw me a rope?

Mark:
I haven't got a rope.

Jez:
What do you mean, you haven't got a rope?

Mark:
I don't own a rope! I don't own a boat, or any cattle, or any of the things that ropes are useful for. What the hell would you do with a rope, anyway?

Jez:
Climb up it!

Mark:
Oh, sure. Climb up it, using your strength.

Jez:
Well, you could pull me up.

Mark:
Yeah, I could haul you up using my muscles.

Jez:
(What a bastard! Destroys my perfect love just because it's built on lies!)

Mark:
It'd be like picking off bystanders with a sniper rifle: fun at first, but it would quickly become a depressing chore.

Johnson:
Suze! Have you seen the big scissors? Have you moved the big scissors?

Jez:
Even a dried up, dessicated old branflake on toast like you should be able to see that!

Mark:
(If I'm a branflake, he's a slutty Sugar Puff!)

Johnson:
Did you make the bed? You're not my wife, Mark. I had a wife, I don't need another bullet in the head...okay? Righty righty!

Mark:
(I made his bed and got his tea, I am his wife!)

Jez:
I'm like Raffles! No? No clothes for Raffles. Raffles doesn't deserve clothes.

Jez:
You've known for two whole days! That's...sick!

Dobby:
Hey Mark!!

Mark:
Hi Dobbs. I just happened to be passing. I remember you were saying if I happened to be passing.. (Two buses here, three buses home. Five convenient buses.)

Mark:
Oh God, I can't believe I'm having a party!

Jez:
I am so proud of you. There was everyone thinking you were just this fusty, sweater-wearing, spirit-crushing no-fly-zone with ten foot carrot up his ass.

Mark:
Yeah, obviously it is only a tactical party. I'm only having a party to eventually get sex.

Jez:
This is only reason anyone in recorded history has had a party Mark!

Mark:
(Oh god this could be a disaster. I want a night of edgy banter and tipsy indiscretions, he wants us all lying around in our pants flinging shit at each other.)

Jez:
Big of you, inviting him.

Mark:
I thought it would look petty and vindictive not to, and as a petty and vindictive individual I have to take extra care not to appear petty or vindictive.

Mark:
I need to get Gerrard incredibly f***ed. Booze, drugs, whatever.

Jez:
Chemical castration; classic.

Jez:
Will you excuse me? I've got to go and give that ill-looking man an enormous drink.

Mark:
Only downside is no Dobby. If it peaks before Dobby gets here, I've wasted good party.

Jez:
Maybe call her? Give her some flavour.

Mark:
What, like start a message and then say "Stop it Julio. Get your own cocaine, I've got too much tit in my mouth."?

Jez:
Exactly

Jez:
Oh god, Elena.

Mark:
....

Jez:
This is not all my chickens coming home to roost, Mark, all right? Don't stand there thinking it is.

Mark:
I'm not Jez. (This is all his chickens coming home to roost. It's a roost-a-thon.)

Mark:
Good Will to all men! (Did I just say 'Good will to all men')

Big Suze:
Mark - there's something wrong in the loo.

Mark:
(God, she looks like she's witnessed a war crime.)

Super Hans:
All right Jez.

Jez:
Yeah, um, just an idea, would it be okay mate if you f***ed off before I ram a wine bottle up your cock?

Mark:
Dobby, Come in. No need to explain what the hell you've been doing till this time.

Mark:
Dobby mustn't see Gerrard. He's gone over the edge of reason. Get rid of him!

Jez:
Aye aye, captain.

Jez:
Gayle. Great you could make it.

Gayle:
Hi Jez.

Jez:
(You're about to get dumped. Have a lager.)

Gayle:
Thanks!

Jez:
(Come on in to your emotional torture pit.)

Sophie:
What days do you want, Mark?

Mark:
(I don't know, Easter and Shrove Tuesday?)

Jez:
(She's so suggestable, like a sexy robot anybody can hack into and program. Oh there it goes, lesbian kiss - and no one minds! Where are all the homophobes when you need them? God, people are so fickle.)

Mark:
(Great. Gerrard gets Dobby and I get a pukey bucket of snake.)

Jez:
(Oh what a disaster. Love is all you need. No, actually, Beatles. You also need a person to do it with; Beatles.

Mark:
(God she's huge. It's like Alien, if the alien was a human. Hmm, If I had to choose would I rather an alien burst out of my chest quickly, or was heaved out of my vagina slowly?)

Mark:
(He'll never be a lad.Boy to geek to drone.Thats the Corrigan trajectory)

Mark:
Sophie? Jeff says the baby's a boybe. Is it a boybe?

Sophie:
Yes!

Mark:
Right... almost makes it seem real.

Sophie:
Well it is real.

Mark:
Of course. (Totally doesn't feel real. maybe 1% more real now)

Sophie:
I've been thinking about names, have you been thinking about names?

Mark:
Soph, it's early doors yet, we've a month and some weeks to go (I can get to Argentina in a month. Argentina and a face transplant?)

Sophie:
I was thinking 'Tarquin Oliver Nimrod'.

[Mark bursts out laughing]

Sophie:
What would you call him? Mark? Mark Mark Corrigan III?

Mark:
No! Of course not, something... normal.

Sophie:
What's normal?

Mark:
I dunno.. Bruce, or something.

Sophie:
Bruce!?

Mark:
No, not Bruce.

Sophie:
Did you just say Bruce?

Mark:
No, I didn't mean Bruce, just a name in that area.

Sophie:
Little Bruce?

Mark:
No, not Bruce. Just a name like Bruce, not even that much like Bruce!

Mark:
(I'll stick with My high fat foods which will eventually kill Me and My play which is obviously never gonna happen)

Jez:
(This would be so much easier if She wasn't a person with hopes and dreams and grasping clinging Arms)

Mark:
(Its great being a wedding guest.You get to be an unpaid extra in the climactic scene of someone else's Rom-Com)

[Sophie hands Mark an envelope]

Mark:
(Hate mail? In person?!)

Mark:
The absolute worst thing anyone could say about you is that you were a selfish, moral blank, whose lazy cynicism and sneering, ironic take on the world encapsulates everything wrong with a generation. But you my friend are not evil.

Jez:
I wank 10, maybe 12 times a day.

Elena's boss:
12 times?

Jez:
Yes. Or more. It's a disease. I have a wanking disease.

Jez:
What was it Shakespeare said?

Mark:
He said a lot of things, Jeremy.

Jez:
He basically said something about how there are more things there than there are actual things that you can see with your eyes. That's not the exact quote.

Mark:
I've sold out. A little bit of me has died. But, you know what? A lot of me doesn't give a shit.