Designing Women, Season 2

Charlene:
What'd they say?

Julia:
Who?

Charlene:
The adolescent cretins.

Julia:
It doesn't matter what they said. They said what they always say.

Charlene:
Well I know, but just out of curiosity, what was it?

Julia:
All right, Charlene. If you must know, they said, "Say, Mama, sure would like to be your Daddy. Mmm Mmm got to have me some of that."

[Charlene tries to comfort Suzanne as she struggles to do good works after being miraculously spared when her car is totaled.]

Charlene:
If God had intended you to do good works, you probably wouldn't have been born so shallow.

Bernice:
I don't think this safe sex is what it's cracked up to be. My husband and I weren't that happy and we always had safe sex. I mean we had it in bed... and I was usually asleep. I don't think you can get any safer than that.

[Forced to speak in front of the PTA, Mary Jo ask Julia to show her how to get fired up. As a result, everyone tries to think of something that makes them mad in order to help get Mary Jo going.]

Suzanne:
Oh, oh!! I've got one... this just makes me furious!! Y'know... when men... use Women's Liberation as an excuse not to kill bugs for you... oh, I just hate that!!! I don't care what anybody says, I think the man should have to kill the bug!!

Julia:
I don't think I can add anything to that...

[An old "friend"/client of Julia's overhears their plans to decorate an AIDS funeral room.]

Imogene Salinger:
Is this the boy whose funeral you're planning?

Julia:
Where did you hear that?

Imogene:
I heard the rumors, but I didn't actually believe it was true! Now I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but if these boys hadn't been doing what they were doing, they wouldn't be getting what's coming to them now.

Mary Jo:
Imogene, gays aren't the only ones getting it.

Imogene:
No, but they're the ones who started it.

Kendall Dobbs:
Actually nobody knows how it got started. Gays are just one of the first groups it showed up in.

Imogene:
Yes, and for a good reason... you reap what you sow. You boys brought this on yourselves. As far as I'm concerned this disease has one thing going for it... it's killing all the right people!

Julia:
Imogene, I'm terribly sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car.

Imogene:
Why?

Julia:
(pulling her towards the door) Because you're leaving. The only thing worse than all these people who never had any morals before AIDS are all you holier-than-thou types who think you're exempt from getting it.

Imogene:
Well, for your information, I am exempt. I haven't lived like these people, and I don't care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker, I believe this is God's punishment for what they've done.

Suzanne:
Oh yeah? Then how come lesbians get it less?

Imogene:
That is not for me to say... I just know that these people are getting what they deserve!

Julia:
Imogene, get serious! Who do you think you're talking to? I've known you for 27 years, and all I can say is... if God was giving out sexually transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, that you would be at the free clinic all the time! ... and so would the rest of us!

Bernice:
I think she makes a good point.

Imogene:
Oh, who cares what you think?! (she points at her head) You're not even all there!

Bernice:
(shocked) Well, as long as we're on the subject, (pointing at her chest) neither are you!

Imogene:
(totally furious) Well, you needn't look forward to any more of my business in this lifetime!

Julia:
Wonderful! I'll close up your account! And another thing, my son has an A in chemistry! In fact, he's making all As! In everything — including P.E!

[Mary Jo is forced to defend condoms for teenager at a PTA meeting shortly after discovering a friend is dying of AIDS.]

Carolyn:
Let's quit kidding around, shall we? What you're actually saying, Mrs. Shively, is that if your 15-year-old daughter is determined to have sex, that you won't mind her going to a school dance with a boy who has a condom in his wallet paid for by your tax dollars. Isn't that right?

Mary Jo:
What I am saying is I have a dear, sweet, funny friend -- 24 years old, not very much older than the kids we're talking about here -- and he came to me this week and asked me to help plan his funeral because he's dying.....from AIDS -- something that he got before he even knew what it was or how to prevent it. I've been thinking about his mother this week, and what she might give for the opportunity that I have tonight -- that we all still have here tonight -- because now we know how to prevent AIDS. And I think it really shouldn't matter what your personal views are on birth control, because we're not just talking about preventing births anymore. We're talking about preventing deaths. Twenty-five thousand Americans have died, and we're still debating. Well, for me, the debate is over. More important than what any civic leaders, PTA, or Board of Education thinks about teenagers having sex, or any immoral act that my daughter or your son might engage in..... the bottom line is I don't think they should have to die for it. Thank you.

Dash Goff:
And when an affair was over, she left a man dazed, and wobbly, and squinty-eyed like some wrung-out old gas station dog — all spindly legs and dry heaves, sometimes trying to stand in the shadow of his former self, but mostly just staring disinterested into the hot delta sun. This is what is known in the South as being Belled.

[Suzanne tries to comfort a worried and distraught Julia after Reese's heart attack.]

Julia:
I want to be with Reese.

Suzanne:
I know, but you can't. He wouldn't even know you were there.

Julia:
But I would. I can't stand to think about him dying with strangers. That's the way it happened with Hayden. (sobbing) They wouldn't let me be with him, and he was calling for me!

Suzanne:
Julia, listen to me. I know how you feel about that. That's why I told the doctor that if at any time it looks like Reese isn't gonna make it, they're to come out here and get you.

Julia:
You did?

Charlene and Mary Jo:
You did?

Suzanne:
Yes, I did. And you know what? They haven't come for you, have they?

Julia:
No, they haven't.

Suzanne:
See, that's a good sign.

Julia:
Yes, it is. Thank you for doing that. (crying and hugging Suzanne)

Suzanne:
We're just gonna sit down here together, and you rest your head on my shoulder okay?

Charlene:
(to Mary Jo) It's amazing, isn't it? Most of the time she goes around without the sense God gave a goose. Look at her. I mean, one crisis, and she's Scarlett O'Hara.

Mary Jo:
A couple of hoods got after Julia.

Suzanne:
Hoods love Julia. It's that little sashay in her walk.

Charlene:
Well, what'd they say?

Julia:
Does it matter? They said the same asinine things they always say.

Charlene:
I know, but just out of curiosity what was it?

Julia:
Charlene, we always go through this. Why do you have to know?

Charlene:
I don't know. It's a sickness.

Julia:
All right, Charlene. If you must know, they said, "Hey Sweet Meat. What it is. Mmm - mmm, strut it out. Bring it on home to me now." OK?

[The firm gets a job redecorating a cruise ship.]

Suzanne:
Well, you can count me out. I'm not going on any singles cruise. And I'm certainly not interested in putting up with a bunch of dorky men in bad toupees and polyester suits.

[The ladies are forced to sleep in bunk beds in a tacky room after dealing with an assortment of oddball singles.]

Mary Jo:
Why are you so quiet down there, Julia?

Julia:
I'm just trying to say my prayers.

Charlene:
What were you praying for?

Julia:
If you must know, I was praying, number one, that you all would let me go to sleep. Number two, that I'm not seated next to Club Mel at breakfast. And number three, I was thanking God that I did not grow up with a mother who wore a leopard-skin headband, white see-through T-shirt and glued rhinestones to her fingernails.

Julia:
Mary Jo, what on Earth is the matter now?

Mary Jo:
It's this stupid dress of Suzanne's. This is so typical. It's just like her to hang this by my bed so it won't get wrinkled in the closet. As if I'm so little it won't bother me. She does this kind of thing to me all the time.

Julia:
Why don't you just take it down?

Mary Jo:
Actually, this fascinates me. These bra cups are huge. It's kinda like this is the corral where Suzanne keeps her bosom, and I'm the hired hand who guards 'em while she takes 'em out on a midnight ride.

[Mary Jo and Suzanne compete for the best-looking guy on board.]

Mary Jo:
You're just gloating 'cause you know you're in pinky ring city.

Suzanne:
I've never known anyone like Trevor. I mean, do you all know anything about him?

Julia:
No. Only that his name is stupid.

[Trevor makes a pass at Mary Jo while Suzanne is not around.]

Mary Jo:
Excuse me, but I don't like to have the back of my neck kissed before breakfast. Especially by somebody who is too dumb to appreciate a woman like Suzanne Sugarbaker. Just who do you think that you're talking about? This is no two-bit singles cruise barnacle. This is the Rolls Royce of females who happens to have more beauty titles than you have teeth. And let me tell you something else, I consider it an honor just to guard her brassiere and I am not even a man.

Suzanne:
Well, all I have to say is, the next time Olivia May gets sick, you all can just invite somebody else to play cards. I don't like this game. I like simple games. You know, like the kind you play when you're little.

Julia:
Suzanne, we've been all over that. Charlene doesn't have a picture of a donkey.

[Charlene thinks that Colonel Bill Stillfield is at Sugarbaker's as a present from the girls.]

Charlene:
*clapping her hands and doing a happy dance* Happy Birthday to Me!

[Charlene, Julia, and Mary Jo head to Design Expo but end up stuck in their hotel room together with the flu.]

Charlene:
I haven't felt this bad since I was in high school and I developed this temporary allergy to domestic meat. My poor parents had to mail order hippopotamus steaks. I'm not kidding, y'know. Until they finally figured out I could have stuff like squirrel and rabbit and 'coon, y'know. Sometimes they even fed me 'coon for breakfast...

[After being trapped in the hotel room all night:
]

Julia:
I think this illness has affected your brain. Or, I've just never before noticed the extent of your unequalled ability to be fascinated at absolutely nothing.

Charlene:
Y'know, Julia, I used to think that if I were a man I'd be interested in you, but not anymore!!

Mary Jo:
Charlene? You're awful quiet. What're you thinking about?

Charlene:
Oh, I was thinking this is the first Christmas ever I haven't gone home. Then I was thinking how many men there are in my family named Virgil. I mean, I don't think we've ever gotten together on a holiday where there weren't at least two or three Virgils — sometimes even a baby named Virgil. What were you thinking?

Mary Jo:
Same thing.

[Suzanne enters with a pig on a leash. The pig is wearing a puffy pink "shirt" and a silver bow on her head... .. Everyone just gawks...]

Suzanne:
Hi. What's going on?

Julia:
Suzanne...where did you get that pig?

Suzanne:
What pig? Oh, you mean this pig. Well, y'see... Consuela's entire family has just arrived from San Salvador for the holidays... and uh... this is their gift to me. Y'know, they're very big in meat packing. Well, anyway... I tried to board her with a private kennel — they won't take her, and I'm sure not about to have her slaughtered. By the way, do you all have any idea how difficult it is to find a 26-inch rhinestone collar?

Julia:
I cannot believe that you are walking around with this big pig on a leash.

Suzanne:
Why not? It just fits my mood. This is the worst Christmas I ever had. All my vacation plans fell through, and I haven't heard a thing from any of my ex-husbands — not even a Christmas card.

Mary Jo:
Well, what about Hugh? Aren't you still dating him?

Suzanne:
No, not anymore. He's in intensive care again. He's always in intensive care and I'm just sick of it.

Julia:
Suzanne, after all, he is 80 years old.

Suzanne:
Oh, he's just a big hypochondriac. Anyway, I was sitting there last night feeling sorry for myself, y'know, and Noel came over and nudged me with her little snout. She is ugly, isn't she? (giggling) I am genuinely fond of this pig. I guess you could say she was there for me when I was lonely and needed a friend.

Julia:
As your sister I have to tell you one thing.

Suzanne:
What's that?

Julia:
 :leaning in We're not taking that pig shopping.

Mary Jo:
I'm just a little upset because Quint doesn't believe in Santa Claus anymore. As a matter of fact he says he's gonna prove it once and for all — he's been up in his room working on all these traps.

Charlene:
How come he doesn't think there is one?

Mary Jo:
He says reindeers couldn't have the staying power, y'know, to go all the way around the world in one night. He wanted to know if Santa had some kinda deal with Federal Express.

Julia:
Boy, he's awful young to be so cynical.

Anthony:
Hey, that's not so young. I was only 3 when I quit believing.

Charlene:
Oh, somebody told you?

Anthony:
Yeah. My Uncle Willie. There wasn't enough money for presents, so he just came to me and told me that Santa Claus had been stabbed.

Charlene:
Oh my gosh!!

Anthony:
Yeah, Uncle Willie didn't have a lot of couth. Anyway, I was pretty upset. The next year I wrote a letter to the elves. All I asked for was a baseball glove because, y'know, I figured they had there hands full with Santa gone and everything. But I guess Uncle Willie couldn't get it together that year either, because Christmas Eve he came into my room and told me that the elves had been killed in a sledding accident.

Julia:
We've been acting a little childish about things that didn't measure up to Christmases past. Have we forgotten how lucky we are to have had those Christmases in the first place?

Charlene:
You're right. No matter how old I get, nothing's ever gonna measure up to my entire family sitting in front of a fire on Christmas Eve singing "Silent Night." Daddy reading from the Bible — Harold Thomas sitting on his lap — me on one side, Mama on the other. Y'know, I've just gotta be grateful I had that. Nothing is ever gonna be greater than that...except maybe heaven. Anthony...you're crying.

Anthony:
I know. I thought you were gonna tell another one of those stories about your daddy needing a bank loan, and it got to me before I realized you were on another track.

Julia:
I know I'm especially grateful to have my son here on Christmas Day — whose eyes I can look into and still see his father. And I'm grateful to Charlene for making that possible...and to Suzanne, for turning down a vacation in Switzerland just to hear me play the piano. And I'm grateful that I have a friend like Mary Jo who cries because her little boy doesn't believe in Santa Claus. And I'm also grateful that I know someone like Anthony, who is such a good sport about breaking a leg!

Charlene:
Julia, you're starting to sound like the piano lady at the Holiday Inn Tap Room.

Julia:
I know! It's Christmas...and I can't help myself!

Suzanne:
Now play "The First Noel" for my pig.

[After much soul-searching, Charlene pays a visit to her minister, Reverend Nunn.]

Charlene:
For the past nine years I've come to you with whatever problems, worries or grief I've had in my life, and I really appreciate the way you've looked after me. But, I don't think I can do that anymore.

Reverend Nunn:
Charlene, you don't mean that.

Charlene:
I've been up all night, and I just can't figure out how I can belong to a church that doesn't think I am fit to preach God's word.

Reverend Nunn:
You want to be a minister?

Charlene:
Well, I've never told anyone this before, but as a matter of fact I did. When I was about six or seven, I got my first Bible. It had my name embossed in gold across the front. My parents gave it to me the night I was baptised. I'll never forget it came with this beautiful cardboard bookmark that had Jesus with a pink halo painted on it. I don't know — there was something about the way the light shown in that picture — I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I thought, "Boy, that's for me." I was gonna travel the world preaching and teaching — maybe even become a saint.

Reverend Nunn:
What happened?

Charlene:
I don't know. I guess I figured I couldn't make saint. Anyway, my point is, I had that dream because no one told me I couldn't. But what about all those other little girls out there, hundreds of them, just waiting to become ministers and spend their lives preaching God's word — except for the fact that you and a bunch of other people got together and decided that God doesn't want that. That just doesn't make any sense, Reverend Nunn. I mean, for what possible reason would God not want that?

Reverend Nunn:
That's not for us to say, Charlene. I don't think we should question his wisdom.

Charlene:
I'm not. I'm questioning yours. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me. I'll never forget you.

Reverend Nunn:
Charlene, I wish you'd give this some more thought. Let me put you in touch with another minister. Maybe he can counsel you.

Charlene:
No. Thanks anyway. I'll be talking to someone, but I think I'll keep this one just between me and God. Don't look so surprised, after all, we have his number too.

[Charlene drops back by Sugarbaker's to pick up her purse and finds Julia still there.]

Charlene:
Aren't you supposed to be at the church?

Julia:
I'm not going.

Charlene:
Why?

Julia:
I just can't do it, that's all. I know you're disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in myself.

Charlene:
Why don't you think you can do it? Are you still afraid you can't hit that high note?

Julia:
That, among other things.

Charlene:
What other things?

Julia:
Oh, I don't know — laryngitis, forgetting the words, getting my choir robe trapped up in my pantyhose — you name it, I've thought of it.

Charlene:
(sad and teary) I just resigned from my church.

Julia:
Oh, Charlene. I'm so sorry.

Charlene:
Yeah, me too.

Julia:
Is there anything I can do?

Charlene:
Yes, as a matter of fact there is. My minister, Reverend Nunn, is gonna be at the closing ceremony tonight, and for some reason I need to be proud of women tonight. I wanna hear you hit that high note.

Julia:
No, Charlene. No, I can't.

Charlene:
Yes you can. Julia, I know you can. Now what I just did took more courage than I ever thought I had, and it would be impossible for me to have more courage than you.

Julia:
What makes you so sure?

Charlene:
Well... 'cause you're my hero.

Julia:
touched... heroine.

Charlene:
Even better.

Julia:
Charlene, that's a nice idea, but just because you have faith in me doesn't mean I'll be able to do it.

Charlene:
Well, who said anything about having faith in you? I'm just asking you to have the guts to step up to the microphone and open your mouth. I think I can get him to supply the notes.

Julia:
Exactly how sure are you?

Charlene:
Just a feeling. Oh please, Julia. Do it for me. Do it for all us girls.

Julia:
You mean you, Mary Jo and Suzanne?

Charlene:
I mean all us girls... everywhere.

[Reese sees the excessive amount of bags going into the car.]

Reese:
What are all these little bags for?

Suzanne:
Oh, those are my cosmetics.

Reese:
My word.... nobody's that ugly.

Julia:
Reese Watson, you gotten so full of yourself up here, we're gonna have to rent a flat-bed truck to get you home!

Julia:
I love men, I love this one, but I cannot ignore history. History has shown that in general that it has been the men who have done the raping and the robbing and the killing and the war mongering and for the last 2000 years. It has been the men who have done the pillaging and the beheading the subjecting of whole races into slavery. It has been the men who have done the law making and the money making and most of the mischief making. So if the world isn’t quite what you had in mind, you have only yourselves to thank!!