Hollywood 7

Jo:
Which one's the best looking?

Hannah:
Well, Nick looks like Matt Damon and Matt looks like Nicholas Cage.

Paul:
Well, that's easy: who do you like more, Matt Damon or Nick Cage?

Hannah:
Actually, I've always preferred Sean Connery.

Paul:
Problem solved. You've won a date with my granddad, then

Tina:
(Seeing what the PR Agent has for her to wear), this is a hospital grown.

PR Agent:
Tina’s ready to talk about her extenuative plastic surgery.

Tina:
(Upset) what plastic surgery? I had never any plastic surgery.

A group of photographers appear out of nowhere.

PR Agent:
She had Dolly Parton nose sewed onto her face, one of Barbra Streisand’s ear and eyebrow from Jennifer Lopez.

Tina:
Have you had a gerbil's brain transplanted into your head?

PR Agent:
No… was that supposed to be good? I had Botulism injected into my cheek bone, and pigs’ fat in my lips.

Tina:
This is complete nonsense.

PR Agent:
Mind your stitches, honey.

Tina:
But, I haven’t had any plastic surgery.

PR Agent:
You haven’t? But, how come you look so good?

Tina:
Part is because not spurting bits of dead animals into my face on daily basics.

PR Agent:
Why not?

Tina:
Because I don’t want to!

PR Agent:
You do know this is LA. It’s kind of obligatory.

Tina looks at the photographers.

Tina:
Look… I have not and will not ever have plastic surgery.

As the photographers leave, the PR Agent employs Plan B, which gets them to return.

PR Agent:
Did you hear that? This lady is phobic… she’s afraid of surgery.

Tina:
(stunned) WHAT?!

Paul:
Listen – don’t worry about it. All that matters is your family, and your friends.

Hannah:
I know. I suppose without them there’s no point going on, really.

Paul:
(putting his arm around Hannah) Look. Whether you’re famous or not, you’ll always have me. And the band.

Hannah:
I know. That’s good.

Hannah:
What happened?!

Paul:
You kissed me!

Hannah:
No I didn’t, you kissed me!

Paul:
No I didn’t! Did I?

Hannah:
Well, someone kissed someone.

Paul:
That’s terrible!

Hannah:
I know!

Paul:
I didn’t mean to!

Hannah:
Nor did I...it kind of just happened.

Paul:
Did it?

Hannah:
...Yeah.

Paul:
But why? I mean...does that mean I fancy you?

Hannah:
No! ...Does it? Or does it mean I fancy you?

Paul:
No, no, it can’t do...how can I fancy you?

Hannah:
I know! ...Hang on, what do you mean by that?!

Paul:
No, no, I mean...you’re fanciable and everything but not to me, to me you’re just Hannah.

Hannah:
Exactly! To me you’re Paul, how can I fancy you? I mean, hello?

Paul:
I mean, and this is the S Club, we just can’t go around kissing just because we feel like it! I mean, what if the others found out? What would it be...it would be...

Hannah:
It’d be weird.

Paul:
Yes! Weirder than weird.

Hannah:
Right. Listen – it’s ok. It didn’t happen, alright.

Paul:
...Yes, it did.

Hannah:
No. It didn’t.

Paul:
Oh, I see...you’re right. No, nothing happened. (He winks)

Hannah:
(almost disappointed) Right.

Paul:
So we just go up there, as if nothing happened.

Hannah:
Yeah. Which it didn’t.

Paul:
So we just say nothing happened.

Hannah:
No! Cos if we say nothing happened, then they’ll think that something happened!

Paul:
Which it didn’t!

Hannah:
Well, it did. But we’re avoiding saying it didn’t just in case they think it did.

Paul:
Right. So what do we say then?

Hannah:
I don’t know! I’ve confused myself now!

Tina:
You’re a choreographer; you’re not a sergeant major. You can’t make her do push-up.

Arlene:
Oh yeah, and who’s going to stop me.