The King of Queens, Season 9

Charlotte:
There's this really cute boy at school.

Carrie:
Michael?

Charlotte:
Yeah, but he likes Donna Pizzoni.

Carrie:
Well, just make him like you, instead.

Charlotte:
How?

Carrie:
Well, you just start a nasty rumor about the other girl. You know? "She's a skank" or "she's poor." Could be anything, really, and before you know it, you'll be wearing his varsity jacket.

Jessica:
(on machine) I can't help thinking about last Saturday, lying naked in the sand. I still quiver when I think about being with you.

(Kelly and Carrie laugh)

Kelly:
She did not just say "quiver."

Carrie:
She did, and Doug was afraid that I would think it was him!

(they laugh even more)

Deacon:
This co-supervisor thing ain't working out for me.

Doug:
What are you trying to say?

Deacon:
I'm saying you suck, and I want you out of here.

[First lines. Doug and Carrie are sleeping in bed. The clock reads:
6:00. Doug turns off the alarm. The clock reads: 6:07. Doug turns off the alarm the second time. The clock reads: 6:14. Doug turns off the alarm the third time. The clock reads: 6:21. Carrie unplugs the alarm clock and throws it away.]

Doug:
Would you wake me up in 7 minutes?

Josephine:
You have me going all the way out to Philadelphia. How am I supposed to get back?

Arthur:
You have a thumb, don't you?

Doug:
There's a block party out there and we're the only couple not invited. I mean, look, there's the guy who everyone thinks killed his wife. He's out there.

Carrie:
Doug, it's a block party. Really, what are we missing? (derisive) "Oh, I like the onion dip." "My, hasn't Billy grown?" Please

Arthur:
They made fun of me at the senior center. "Brace face." "Metal head." They were as cruel as they were clever.

Kelly:
We're so looking forward to having you guys come up to the house on Saturday. I mean, the weather's supposed to be great.

Doug:
I gotta be honest. Unless the weather affects the cable reception, it's all the same to me

Carrie:
Look at you! Enjoying your tofu sausage and I can't believe they're not eggs!

Doug:
Yep, and you know what makes them taste better? Knowing I'm doing the right thing—and a butt load of hot sauce.

Gloria:
I know you. Aren't you the old man who got me fired from the Java Hut?

Arthur:
Doesn't ring a bell, but you do look like a person who might annoy me.

Spence:
Would somebody tell Lord Dipwad that buying a house is a sound financial investment? You pay rent, you're just throwing money down a rat hole.

Danny:
Yeah, well so was spending $1,000 on massage school.

Spence:
Well, I didn't hear your feet complaining last night.

Doug:
A baby should have a yard, with fresh air, and, you know.

Carrie:
Oh, it can't get fresh air on a fire escape?

fine:
Why the hell didn't you take the mavin?

Deacon:
Kelly's got it. She doesn't like driving this car. It's too small.

Doug:
Oh, great, so she gives it to her eight-foot-tall husband. I can't believe you aren't the one gettin' divorced.

Deacon:
Stop talking about divorce, will you? You guys are going to fine the way. You always work these things out. She

Deacon:
I'll never forget the first time I met Arthur. I was, uh, sitting in the, uh, Heffernan living room, watching TV. Uh, Arthur came in, and when he saw me he begged me not to hurt him, then ran off to call the police.

Arthur:
It didn't work out!

[Last lines]