American Dad!, Season 7

Cee Lo Green:
Well, hello there. My name...It's not important. Well, what is is the next half hour. You're gonna see a cautionary tale that may greatly influence your next hot tub purchase.

Steve:
Gee, Dad. I'd like to get in the hot tub, too. But I can't, because I'm pretty sure my parents f***ed in it last night!

Principal Lewis:
[on answering machine] Hey, it's Lewis. I can never find the damn phone. [Principal Lewis starts frantically searching for the phone]

Marguerite:
[on the phone] Lewis, it's the hot tub. I did some research, man. It used to have a stripper pole in it. They banned it because some tubs, when they get struck by lightning, they come alive! The hot tub is alive, and it escaped from a mental institution, and did some rapes...

Principal Lewis:
[who has been searching for the phone and found it in the freezer in the ice cream] What are you saying, Marguerite?

Marguerite:
[over phone still] I'm saying, the hot tub, is a murderer.

Stan:
See what a good wife Jeff is, Francine?

Roger:
My wine fridge! I had my cocaine in there!

Roger:
[Picking up a wig]: Thank God this one survived. I can still go to cowboy weddings.

Steve:
It's hungry for flesh and knowledge!

Francine:
The best thing you can do for your family is stand back and do nothing.

Stan:
Francine, let's be honest, that's not going to happen.

Girlfriend:
We're going to have so many babies.

Roger:
[Pushes her head slowly under water] No, no, no, no.

Stan:
[sighs] What a day.

Cleveland:
[off-screen] Tell me about it.

[Stan turns to see Cleveland, and we pull back to reveal the Brown house next to the Smith house, as Cleveland walks up to Stan]

Cleveland:
I don't even know where the hell I am.

Stan:
[pulls out a gun] Looter!

Cleveland:
[also pulls out a gun] Self-defense!

[Two guns are heard cocking, and we pan to see Peter Griffin aiming at Stan and Cleveland]

Peter:
A black and a white talking as if it's normal!

[We pull back to reveal the Griffin house next to the Brown and Smith houses, as Peter walks up to Stan and Cleveland]

Cleveland:
Peter, what are you doing? You know me!

Peter:
Everybody, shut up and let me think! Just let me think!

[Francine comes out the front door]

Francine:
Stan, have you...

[Stan accidentally shoots at Francine, causing her to fall down and moan]

Peter:
[laughs] Oh, man. Classic American Dad!.

Superintendent:
It's come to my attention that you've been letting one of your students skip classes, miss tests and hang out in the teacher's lounge. I'm sorry, Brian. This is bad. I hate to say it, but...

Roger:
You're fired!

Principal Lewis:
Is that what you intended to say, superintendent?

Superintendent:
That's what I super-intended to say.

Roger:
Yay!

Principal Lewis:
Sweets, you killed my master!

Stan:
Stop! You can't marry this woman!

Principal Lewis:
Wachoo talkin' bout, Stan?

[Stan comes in, dressed for the ball game]

Stan:
Good morning, kiddo. Sorry again about missing your birthday. What do you say I take you to a ball game?

[holds up tickets]

Steve:
Sorry, man. Got other plans.

Stan:
What's the problem? I'm trying to bond with him.

Francine:
Well, you're too late. Steve's at the age where he doesn't care about going to a ball game with his dad. All he's interested in is girls. He doesn't want ball games, he just wants to ball dames. Huh? Huh?

Stan:
Ahh. [laughs] Ah-hah. Ohh.

Francine:
Dan Ansom Handsome gives me quite the wide-on.

Stan:
Oh boner, not now.

Roger:
Ah, you dumb son of a bitch! No, that's not Roland Chang. You're doing great!

Stan (as he's beating up Roger, who was chosen to play Jesus in the Christmas play):
You don't deserve to be on that cross, you lazy, wine-loving bisexual!

(Stan comes home bloodied from his fight with Roger as Jesus)

Francine:
Stan, what happened to you?

Stan (looks down at his blood-soaked Santa suit):
I sat next to Courtney Love on the bus and she sneezed.

Pope (on a hamburger phone as he's watching the news footage of Stan beating up Roger):
Are you watching this shit?

(after Stan breaks the cross for the Christmas pageant)

Stage Hand:
Well, that's just great. Now what am I supposed to burn on my ethnic neighbor's lawn?

Quagmire:
Giggity.

[Francine is sunbathing]

Francine:
Seriously, I'm gonna die one day and I want to make sure I left something behind that can be proud of.

Klaus:
What about your kids?

Francine:
Nah. [sets her margarita on the table and lifts her sunglasses up] I'm talking about something more permanent. I want to invent a catchphrase. Something is perfound as... all that and a bag of chips!

Klaus:
Oh, come on. Don't you think everyone has tried coming up with a catchphrase? It's next to impossible.

Francine:
Well, Klaus. I'm gonna do it. And... you can put that frog in the cassarole.

Klaus:
[sighs] Bitch.

Steve:
I didn't like the last half, it's not as effervescent. Nope, the bottom's not for me; I'm what they call a top. [Roger's eyes widen at Steve's unintentionally suggestive line]

Stan:
I can't believe you drank my soda that I bought with money I earned.

Steve:
Oh, I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't know you wanted it. (waves his fingers in Stan's face): Here, my fingers are still sticky. You can suck on them if you want.

Roger [staring at Steve's fingers, clearly aroused]:
Well, I'll be upstairs melting pearls on my tummy if you need me.

(after Roger reveals that he was the girl who kissed Steve at a Spin-the-Bottle party)

Steve:
YOU were Alicia Wilkner?! We went on seven dates!

Roger:
Nine. I roofied you on that last two. Nothing happened. Wink-wink.

[Stan is riding a bike and using it as a unicycle]

Roger:
Wheels, may I speak with you? Papa Wheely, why don't you go fill out your HR forms. Teddy Bonkers will help you.

Stan:
Th-- the teddy bear?

Roger:
Teddy bear! His name is Theodore Bonkers. He's not the smartest guy, but he tries harder than anyone I've ever met. I've met Ed Burns.

Steve:
Just go with it.

[Stan rides his bike like a unicycle to read the clipboard and gets out a pen]

Roger:
What the hell, Wheels?

Steve:
He was so excited. I... I couldn't let him down.

Stan:
Uh, it says "List previous work experience or draw a picture of a cowboy." I can't draw a cowboy. Is a pirate acceptable?

Roger:
Yes.

Hayley:
[to Stan] That phrase the old man said to you was in Latin. But, uh, I can't find the translation.

Klaus:
What did he say exactly?

Hayley:
Um, it was something...[says something in Latin]

Klaus:
[says the correct phrase in Latin] It means, "Walk in my shoes and you will know." It's a really good hex.

Stan:
How do you know so much about hexes?

Klaus:
I do a lot of reading, you know, 'cause I sit in the f***ing bowl all f***ing day.

Stan:
The point is is you wanna get anywhere in life, you'll have to join the wrestling team.

Steve:
Gee, Dad. That sounds great. Oh, no. The school doesn't have a wrestling program anymore. Aah, squigglebottom!

Stan:
What? I am outraged!

Roger:
Well, take your outraged elsewhere. I have another group coming through. We'll exit through the gift shop [they walk over to the counter and he takes out a CD] Make sure to check out our Stan Smith: Pan Flute Rain Forest Music [pan flute plays] Each song sounds the same. It somehow manages to be worse than the less.

Principal Lewis:
Kid's got shaky hands. His parents got a divorce because his mom got caught banging some black guy named THIS BIG MAMMA JAMMA RIGHT HERE!!

Francine:
Stop talking, fish.

Steve:
Au revoir, les enfants! That means, "f*** you!"

[Stan is in the living room and petting Kisses]

Stan:
You're soft. Like a detergent bear. Oh, and look. There's a little ear. [scratches his ear] Who likes a scratch? Who likes an ear scratch? Huh? [pets him again and gets out his cell phone] Just gonna snap a pic for Steve. It's for him, not for me. [Kisses yawns] Oh, my god. What a cute little yawn. What a cute little baby. [pets him once more]

[it is now morning as Kisses fetches the frisbee to Steve. Steve kneels down and gives it to Stan]

Stan:
You were right, Francine. It feels so good to love a dog again.

[tires screech and a gunshot is heard off-screen while Stan and Francine are sleeping. Stan covers his ears and can't take the noise]

Stan:
[sighs annoyedly] Jeff and Hayley are killing me.

Francine:
[sleeping] I don't care if you are Sean Connery. That's my jet ski.

[Stan gets out of bed. Jeff and Hayley are watching TV and Jeff eats a piece of pizza]

Stan:
You know what time it is.

Jeff:
Shh.

Hayley:
Dad, Jeff worked a long day. And now all he wants to do is watch Bones and relax.

Seeley Booth:
Hey, Bones. Look at this bone.

Temperance Brennan:
I know. But did you see this bone?

Booth:
Where'd you find that bone?

Brennan:
Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting there, next to this bone.

Woman:
Dr. Brennan, bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone.

[Stan rolls his eyes]

Francine:
All right, a reverse BM it is. Hey, that came out funny *gasp* Was that a joke, do ya think?

Francine:
We can't ride the bus, we're white!

Jonah:
Those pizza bagels are my life. I make those tiny bagels by hand.

Billy:
A fake rock? This world would never ceases to amaze and inspire me!

[Hayley is in the hospital]

Stan:
I...might not be Hayley's father? You've cheated on me?

Francine:
I'm sorry. It happened a few days before our wedding at my bachelorette party.

Stan:
A few days before the wedding? While I was dealing with small details that ultimately made of the most beautiful day of my life? A box of flip-flops so the girls could dance.

Francine:
I was freaking out that my life was changing. I was going from being this party girl to being someone's wife. And I got drunk and [sighs] It was the biggest mistake I ever made. Can you ever forgive me?

[Stan comes close to her]

Stan:
You... big... whore. I don't know why I'm holding you like this. It must be very confusing.

Doctor:
Mr. and Mrs. Smith, bad news. Your daughter's second kidney's only working at 20%.

Roger:
Damn, I look good. Tilda Swinton good.

Roger:
You really think I can change?

Steve:
Bitch, what did I just say?

Roger:
[high-pitched voice after breathing in a helium balloon] When I was a little girl, Grover Cleveland was president.