Pinky and the Brain, Season 3

[Pinky and Brain are discussing Brain's not-too-bright girlfriend]

Brain:
I met her today in the maze. Her name is Billie. She's of simple folk, fair and true.

Pinky:
You mean she's stupid?

Brain:
A bit.

Brain:
After [Snowball], Pinky! He's about to engage the machine!

Pinky:
Poit! I didn't even know they were going steady. We really ought to bring a gift, Brain. [Brain grabs him and runs after Snowball.] You know where they're registered? Congratulations, Snowball! We're so happy for you and your fianceé! A hamster engaged to a big machine? What will people say?

Brain:
Stop being foolish, Pinky.

Pinky:
Oh you're right, Brain, as long as they're happy. We should get them something nice; a fondue set, maybe. I mean, after all, we are getting tight hats in the bargain.

[Brain finds Billie at the controls of the machine]

Pinky:
Egad, Brain! Snowball's turned into a mouse!

Brain:
No, Pinky, it's Billie.

Pinky:
Billie's turned into a hamster? [Brain grabs him and smacks him with his hat repeatedly] She's a mouse! She's a hamster! She's a mouse! She's a hamster! She's a mouse and a hamster? [laughs deliriously]

Brain:
[about Snowball's plan] ...and execute me in the process.

Snowball:
Oh, don't be silly, Brain. It would take all the fun out of life; I derive my greatest pleasure from making you squirm.

Pinky:
I derive my greatest pleasure from making Brain squirt milk out of his nose! [Snowball and Brain bop Pinky on the head] Natch!

[disguised as a cow]

Brain:
Moo. We are a cow. Take us to China.

Brain:
The irony of it all, Pinky. Years of trying to take over the world, and all I had to do was say "moo".

[Brain spots Gulliver Sloane, a parody of Oliver Stone]

Brain:
Pinky, look! Somebody's filming us.

Fred Floppel:
A scratchy piece of surveillance footage triggers a bizarre new conspiracy theory from controversial film director, Gulliver Sloane. Good evening, I'm Fred Floppel.

[In a cabin, a chubby man wearing a camouflage hat with matching pants and a white shirt sits in a rickety chair eating spam]

Man:
Well, that's the saddest story I've ever heard.

Brain:
Just look for a document called the Pinky Protocol.

Sloane:
The Pinky Protocol? What's that?

[Brain glances left then right]

Brain:
They don't want you to know.

[Back in his cabin, the man eats more spam]

Man:
Well, why won't they leave that poor Brain fella alone?

[That night, at the National Archives, Brain, wrapped in bandages with his arm in a sling after his injuries at the golf by former president Gerald Ford, looks up at Pinky through the mail slot]

Brain:
Now reel me up, Pinky. Slowly.

[Using a fishing pole, Pinky slowly reels him up]

Pinky:
Poit! Are you sure you don't wanna rest a bit?

[Brain bumps his bandaged foot at the door each time he sways back and forth]

Brain:
There's no time to rest, Pinky. Ooh! Now that we have the document signed… Ah! …we must place it in the National Archives… [groans as if to say, "Doors!"] …so that it can be discovered. Ow!

[He reaches the top of the mail slot]

Brain:
Now, push open the mail slot and hoist me in.

Pinky:
OK.

[Pinky accidentally lets go of the reel and pushes the mail slot open. Brain screams and hits the ground. Inside, Pinky lands on the floor]

Pinky:
Hold on, Brain!

[He reels the fishing pole line quickly. Brain grabs the rolled-up document and hangs on for dear life as he bumps the mail slot, then falls and lands hard on the floor]

Pinky:
Poit! Are you alright, Brain?

Brain:
I'm fine, Pinky.

[After Brain trips over one of the lasers from the security system, two agents lead him and Pinky outside. Sloane runs over to Brain, pointing at him and holding his camera]

Sloane:
Let me through! Look! It's him! The Brain! We've finally caught you red-handed, didn't we?

Brain:
No, you've got it all wrong.

[Back in his cabin, the man spots Brain on TV]

Man:
I knew it! Those government agents have got the little fella by the whiskers!

[Three policemen jump out of the way as the man drives a pick-up truck and stops. Sloane, Brain, Pinky and the reporters watch with surprised looks. As the reporters chatter in confusion, the man gets out of the truck]

Man:
Don't worry, little guy, I'll save you from those big government fellas!

Brain:
No! We don't need to be saved!

[He and Pinky gasp as the man grabs them and runs back to his truck, taking them in with him]

Man:
Well, Big Jake is going to save you anyway, whether you like it or not!

[The man, now named Big Jake, or more shortly known as Jake, drives off as three more policemen jump out of the way. Sloane picks up the document]

Sloane:
Hey! Aren't you going after him?

[Two policemen glance at each other before running off. Three police cars chase Jake's truck]

Brain:
What are you doing? Who are you? Are you mad?

Jake:
You don't have to thank me. This is just like when the black helicopters took away Heshimu. Y'all remember Heshimu?

[Pinky shrugs at Brain as if saying, "I don't remember."]

Jake:
Of course not, they don't want you to remember! The people thought he disappeared in Sumatra with a big gerbil! Actually, he tried to borrow the elephant man's skeleton!

[Jake pulls the lever and pushes the gas pedal with his foot as his truck goes faster, causing Brain and Pinky to hit the window. Two police cars block Jake's path but he takes a shortcut off a cliff as the mice scream]

Jake:
Mr. Whipple wasn't the tidy bowl man! I'm telling you, he was not the tidy bowl man!

[Brain and Pinky are pressed onto the seat as if hanging on for dear life]

Pinky:
Make it stop, Brain! Make it stop!

Brain:
This guy is one green maraschino cherryshire of a fruit cake, Pinky. Let's get outta here!

[Brain opens the door of the truck, causing him and Pinky to fly out of here while screaming. They bounce on the grassy field when they see a police car heading straight for them. Its tire rolls over them and launches them into a sign reading:
"Welcome to Virginia". Pinky spots something in the sky]

Pinky:
Narf! I see an angel coming for us.

[Brain stands up looking dizzy]

Brain:
I see clams. Big shirtless clams.

Pinky:
No, Brain, really.

[A bald eagle swoops down and grabs the duo in its talons then flies off. A helicopter hits the eagle, causing it to drop Pinky and Brain. Back with Jake]

Jake:
And they say those UFOs are just pie plates. Well, they are pie plates! Alien pie plates!

[Brain and Pinky fly back into the truck]

Jake:
And whatever happened to eating track tapes? It's a conspiracy, you know?!

Brain:
Uh-huh.

[The truck drives out of sight]

[Elsewhere, an angry mob is gathered outside Jake's cabin while holding signs that read:
"Free Harold Foster Brain!", "Put a Brain in Charge!", and "We Want Brain!". A car stops and the agent from the FBI, a blonde man wearing shades, steps out and holds a megaphone]

FBI Agent:
Police to Harold Foster Brain, come out with your hands up.

[Sitting on a camera catwalk, Sloane taps his shoulder to get his attention]

Sloane:
Officer, you're blocking my shot!

[Inside the cabin, Jake hides behind the window]

Jake:
I'm not coming out! No way! We don't recognize the 40s of your illegally constituted government!

FBI Agent:
[on megaphone; offscreen] I promise, we'll not turn you over to the aliens or Mr. Whipple.

[Brain and Pinky sit in Jake's chair]

Brain:
Pinky, we're trapped by a mad man! Try not to panic.

Pinky:
'K.

[Pinky spots a remote to the chair]

Pinky:
Poit! [gasps] Look, Brain! Magic fingers.

[He presses a button and the chair vibrates which causes Brain to fall onto the floor. Jake approaches them]

Jake:
Quick! Put on these tin-foiled hats so they can't control your minds.

[Wearing a tin-foiled hat over his own hat, he puts one on Brain's rear and another on Pinky's head. Pinky looks amazed at it]

Pinky:
[vibrating] Ooh! Narf! Thank you!

Brain:
Perhaps we're approaching this in the wrong way, Mister, uh, Big Jake. If I might go out and talk to the authorities.

Jake:
No, Your Leadership, the people need you! That's why I have to keep you locked in here! If you go out there, they'll get you and you'll never be heard from again! Why do you think Elvis had to go to hiding? And whatever happened to Joyce DeWitt?!

Brain:
But we can't stay here forever.

Jake:
Sure we can. You can rule from right here, and we can print our own jacks.

[After everyone realizes that the real Harold Foster Brain is Joyce DeWitt]

Man:
Come on, everybody! Let's go over to Joyce DeWitt's house!

[As the people run off, Jake steps out of his cabin, glaring at Pinky and Brain as he holds them by their tails]

Jake:
You lied to me! You're one of them!

[He kicks them out and they land on the ground]

Jake:
[offscreen] And give me back my hats!

[He takes the hats back and slams the door offscreen]

Pinky:
[sadly] Poit! I'll miss him.

Brain:
Yes, it isn't often you meet an election up here, isn't it, Pinky?

Pinky:
Mm-mm.

Brain:
No! Pinky, you got chocolate on my Jack-o-lantronix transmitter!

Pinky:
You got Jack-o-lantronix transmitter in my chocolate!

Pinky:
Brilliant, Brain! Oh, one quick question.

Brain:
What?

Pinky:
Do sealions eat seazebras?

Brain:
You are going to be a help this time. Say it!

Pinky:
"You are going to be a help this time."

Pinky:
I think I'll ask Winnie if she wants to go to the movies with me. [barks to Winnie in sealion language; she starts swimming faster]

Brain:
You just said "Fetch me a big clown hat!"

Pinky:
Oh! What a good idea!

Brain:
[being attacked by an octopus] PINKY!

Pinky:
Hi Brain. Do you know the lyrics to Muskrat Love?

Brain:
OCTOPUS! HELLLP!

Pinky:
[singing to the tune of Muskrat Love] Octopus help... [stops] I don't think that's quite right...

Brain:
[speaking in sealion language] You must get the army back at once.

Winnie:
[subtitled] Give me a fish and I will playfully nuzzle you.

Brain:
There's no time for me to give you another fish!

Pinky:
[speaks to Winnie in sealion language; she swims away] Winnie! Come back! I was only trying to tell her how much I like her."

Brain:
Unfortunately, it came out more like, "I'm a big billy goat so you'd better beat it, sister."

Brain:
The game does not conclude until the woman with the eating disorder ululates.

Narrator:
So they took their friend Christopher's advice and went to see Algore the Donkey, who lived on the very next page.

Pinky:
When does this scene start to animate, Brainie?

Brain:
It already has, Pinklet. The question is, when does Algore start to animate?

Brain:
Has it ever occurred to you, Pinklet, that your scarf is constricting the bloodflow to your head?

Pinky:
Yes! And it keeps my neck all cozy-warm.

Brain:
Luckily, I know the location of a veritable Fort Knox of honey, right here in Acme Woods!

Pinky:
Oooh, a fort! FORT! Oh, can we play Cowboys and Indians?

Brain:
No, but we can play Geniuses and Numbskulls.

Pinky:
How do you play?

Brain:
Like this! [hits Pinky with his stick]

Pinky:
Troz! Who won?

Brain:
As you know, people in today's body conscious society are obsessed with losing weight. My plan is to secretly replace all the artificial sweeteners in the world with real ones, thus rendering the world's population fat, slow moving, and completely toothless.

Pinky:
You mean like the guests on Jerry Springer?

Brain:
Exactly, Pinklet.

Brain:
Are you pondering what I’m pondering?

Pinky:
Whoof, oh, I'd have to say the odds of that are terribly slim, Brain.

Brain:
True!

Pinky:
I mean, really, when have I ever been pondering what you've been pondering?

Brain:
To my knowledge. Never!

Pinky:
Exactly. So, what are the chances that this time, I'm pondering what you're pondering?

Brain:
Next to nil.

Pinky:
Well, that's exactly what I'm thinking, too.

Brain:
Therefore, you are pondering what I'm pondering.

Pinky:
Poit! I guess I am!