The PJs, Season 2

Thurgood:
Season's greetings, Sanchez. Merry como estas.

Sanchez:
Well, I may have a touch of the--

Thurgood:
Good. Glad to hear it. Here you go. [gives him a tip envelope]

Sanchez:
A tip envelope?!

Thurgood:
Now, there's no pressure. I don't wanna put any heat on you. Of course, if you want any heat on this winter, you might wanna toss in a 20.

Nula:
[witnessing Thurgood repossessing her fish tank] But Santa, why are you stealing our fish tank? Why?

Walter:
[narrating] Now, that old dirty bastard was as smart as they get. He thought up a lie, and quickly, you bet.

Thurgood:
Phantom Menace is the best Star Wars yet! [runs off]

Juicy:
Luke, join me. It is your destiny!

Calvin:
Juicy Vader, I will never come over to the dark-skin-ded side.

Juicy:
Luke, I am your father. [takes off glasses] Probably.

Calvin:
NOOOOOOOOO!

Muriel:
Bebe, remember that big blizzard back when we were kids? We were stuck at home for two weeks.

Bebe:
Uh-huh. I was so pissed 'cause I couldn't see my boyfriend. Funny, it seemed so important then; today, heh, I can't even remember what subject he taught.

Muriel:
Thurgood, what are you doing?

Thurgood:
Clearin' some space. My new exercise tape is comin' in the mail today.

Muriel:
Another exercise tape? You've already bought Abs of Steel, Buns of Steel, How to Steal.

Thurgood:
I don't remember buying that one.

[as Thurgood gives the Hilton-Jacobs tenants their mail]

Sanchez:
This is ridiculous. Why can't we get our mail like everybody else?

Haiti Lady:
Yeah!

Jimmy:
And I was expecting some very important fifth and final notices. Now, HOW am I supposed to pay my phone bill UNLESS I get my FIFTH AND FINAL NOTICE?!

Thurgood:
Oh, stop your damn complainin'. Bebe got her colored contacts, didn't she?

Bebe:
Yeah, but they all busted and mangled! I see twelve of everythang!

[Through her perspective, Bebe sees twelve of Thurgood]

Thurgood:
Well, now you know how it feels to look fly.

Muriel:
Haven't you heard of the expression "Leave them wanting more?"

Thurgood:
Well, I thought I did! Now, look, I show God my love for him, and what does he do? He punketh me in front of my flock!

Muriel:
You best watch what you sayin', Thurgood. You been electrocuted once. You tryin' for a thunderbolt?

Thurgood:
He wouldn't dare! Most people wouldn't know about Him if it wasn't for me.

Muriel:
Thurgood Stubbs! You better check yourself before you wreck yourself! Pride goeth before a fall!

Muriel:
Thurgood, I have had enough. Stop pretendin' you're doin' this for God because you're not. You're doin' it for yourself. It's all about you gettin' attention for your faith!

Thurgood:
[gasps] That is so untrue, Muriel. I'm just tryin' to figure out what God wants me to do.

Muriel:
Thurgood, did it ever occur to you that what God wants is for you to just SHUT UP?!

Juicy:
[finding the album to Richard Pryor: Bicentennial Nigger] Hey, can we listen to this old album?

Thurgood:
Listen to it? We can't even say the name anymore.

Calvin:
Well, why can't we?

Thurgood:
African-American, please.

Walter:
Oh, excuse me, Miss Haiti.

Haiti Lady:
Oh, Walter, please, call me Garcelle.

Walter:
Garcelle? Is that Haitian for "lovely"? [Haiti Lady giggles]

Thurgood:
Walter, you're drunk. Go home.

Walter:
How do you account for the disproportionate amount of Haitians in one apartment.

Haiti Lady:
It's not their fault that they're poor. They were oppressed by fascists like you!

Walter:
Tell me, Garcelle, when your raft came through customs, uh, did you have to declare that bug up yo' ass?

[Thurgood and Smokey are flying above the projects.]

Smokey:
[thinking] Can you read my mind? Do you know what it is I'm thinking of?

[the wind stops, causing them to fall]

Thurgood:
We gonna CRASH!

Smokey:
Again?! I just crashed an hour ago!

Thurgood:
[reading from MSQ] Superintendents, uh, if you allow someone in your building for even one night, it may take up to six months to legally evi-- SIX MONTHS TO EVICT?!

Smokey:
Six months?! I thought it said six days! Good lookin' out, Super! [goes back inside his apartment and slams the door]

Thurgood:
[groans] I knew learnin' to read would come back to haunt me.

Thurgood:
Good mornin', boys. Y'all enjoyin' yo' Martin Luther King Day?

Juicy:
It's Martin Luther King Day?

Calvin:
I thought it was Rodney King Day.

Thurgood:
What the hell-- Rodney King Day?! Rodney King don't deserve no damn holiday! He's nothin' like Dr. King. Dr. King wanted freedom, but he was hassled by the police, roughed up and put in jail.

Juicy:
You mean like Rodney King?

Thurgood:
No, not like Rodney King! Don't you know that Dr. King was so revered, that people rioted because of him?

Calvin:
Yeah, like Rodney King.

Thurgood:
No, not like Rodney King! Dr. King marched in the face of oppression! He wouldn't let the white man keep him down!

Juicy:
Was he on PCP, too?

Thurgood:
Hey, stop yo' foolin'.

Thurgood:
Now let's hear from those who have achieved their dreams. [someone coughs] What, am I the only one?

Muriel:
Well, I used to sort of have a little dream. I thought it would be fun to be a hairdresser.

Bebe:
Hairdresser, nothin'! You used to say you wanted to have a beauty parlor, just like the one our mama went to!

Muriel:
Bebe, I think I can tell this.

Bebe:
Oh, I'm sorry, girl. Go ahead on. Go ahead.

Muriel:
Well, anyway, Mama--

Bebe:
Not just Mama! We liked goin' there, too! 'Cause it was a place where all the women would gather and tell stories and gossip! Of course, now, Mama was the worst! She'd talk and talk and talk, and nobody could get a word in edgewise. Ha. Remember that?

Muriel:
You sure it was Mama?

Bebe:
She was all the way live. Come to think of it, havin' a beauty parlor was my dream, too.

Deke "The Physique" Van Owen:
And I say, "I thought you were 'thank the monkey!'"

[Deke, Bebe and Jimmy laugh]

Sanchez:
It's a mistake anyone could have made, Senator Van Owen.

Thurgood:
Senator Van Owen? That's a pretty sissy name for a wrestler.

Jimmy:
It's not a wrestling name. He actually is the senator of our state.

Calvin:
Hey, tell us about when you were a navy seal. Did you ever kill anyone?

Deke:
Well, Calvin, unfortunately, killing is a necessary part of war.

Thurgood:
[scoffs] Big deal. I killed plenty of seals when I was in the navy, and that wasn't even my job!

Deke:
Mr. Stubbs, I get the feeling you're upset with me about something.

Thurgood:
Oh, like you don't know. Well, maybe this will refresh yo' memory. [pulls off the table cloth]

Deke:
You were the drunk that ruined my wedding!

Thurgood:
No, I was the Conquerin' Conquistador.

[Thurgood is filling out his monthly superintendent evaluation]

Muriel:
Hi, Goodie. Whatcha doin'?

Thurgood:
Yeah, I'm fillin' out my evaluation of myself. Good news, Muriel. I'm strong leadership material.

Muriel:
This is supposed to be filled out by your supervisor, Mr. Saunders.

Thurgood:
Yes, and if he was sober, I'm sure he'd give me the same high marks, God bless his big, puffy gin-blossom nose.

HUD Lady:
[on Jimmy's application as Thurgood's new supervisor] It was the most organized and professional application we ever received. It made the choice easy.

Thurgood:
You hear that, Jimmy? You got it! You're my new boss! Congratulations! Raise the roof! Raise the roof!

HUD Lady:
Not him. We hired the person who filled out the application.

Muriel:
Hi, Thurgood! Guess what? I'm your new boss!

Jimmy/Thurgood/Sanchez/Walter:
What?!

Muriel:
Thurgood, thank God you're home. We have a thief in the building.

Thurgood:
Really? Well, guess what? We also have stairs in the buildin'. And-- brace yourself-- we also have a roof!

Mrs. Avery:
He stole my necklace of precious stones! Every one I passed was a five-hour labor of love!

Don King:
You're still wearin' that sweatsuit I bought you on our trip to Paris!

Thurgood:
[gasps] Paris? Is that were you were that summer? You wrote me and told me you was at Camp Elsie!

Muriel:
That was the Champs-Élysées.

[deciding names for Calvin and Juicy ahead of their audition]

Thurgood:
Calvin, you're No Daddy Kane, and Juicy?

Juicy:
I want to be Notorious BLT.

Thurgood:
No. You gonna be Dangerous EKG.

Calvin:
We're thinkin' about M.C. Chunk and Super Smooth.

Juicy:
'Cause our rhymes stick to you like peanut butter.

[Juicy high-fives Calvin and they giggle]

Thurgood:
Fine. Choose your own name. [to himself] I oughta call you the Biatch Boys.

Papa Hudson:
[seeing Juicy arriving home hours later after he paged him] Didn't you get my page?

Juicy:
Oh, you paged me? Um, I guess the batteries are dead.

Papa Hudson:
Really? Well, I just put new ones in. Let me see it.

Juicy:
Oh, okay. I remember what happened. See, I was walkin', right? And I think my pager slipped, and it fell in the street, right? And then this car came, and-and it ran it over. Over and over, and it broke it into a thousand pieces! But I'm okay.

Papa Hudson:
So the pager's destroyed, huh? Well, then I guess crack must be pixie dust because Smokey pulled THIS [holds up Juicy's pager] out of his magic dumpster!

Smokey:
I left the crème brulée in the oven, it needs another 20 minutes. If you need anything tonight, just call my service. I check in every hour.

[Haiti Lady is taking her citizenship test]

Muriel:
Who was the sixteenth President of the United States?

Haiti Lady:
Um...

Muriel:
Abe...

Haiti Lady:
Vigoda?

Calvin:
Juicy, did you notice anything weird about that guy?

Juicy:
No. He seemed like a perfectly normal guy in a suit.

Calvin:
Exactly! I mean, who wears a suit in the projects?

Juicy:
Jehovah witnesses?

Calvin:
Our school is tryin' to start a library. Any books that you could donate would be greatly appreciated.

Muriel:
I don't understand. Why don't you all use the public library?

Calvin:
They closed it. We heard they're gonna tear it down.

Thurgood:
What?! They closed the library?! Now, see, that just ain't right. Where the hell are all the homeless people supposed to take their naps? Somethin' oughta be done.

Jimmy:
I'll tell you why they closed that library. There's nothin' scarier to a man than a brother with a book.

Thurgood:
Yeah, that's deep. Where you hear that?

Jimmy:
Rerun said it on What's Happening!!.

Muriel:
Thurgood, you're related to somebody very, very famous!

Thurgood:
Oh my God. Oh my goodness, really, who is it? Who is it? Who is it?! Let-- no, let me guess. I wanna guess. Somebody famous, someone famous. Who could that be? Uhm... Famous Amos!

Muriel:
Lemme give you a hint: it's someone who lived in the 18th century.

Thurgood:
Look, is it or is it not Famous Amos?

Muriel:
No, it's not.

Thurgood:
Okay, well, you didn't say that?!

Muriel:
It's Thomas Jefferson!

Thurgood [after seeing a squad assembled of their neighbors] This is the A Team?

Walter:
Er... The A-Team had a previous engagement.

Thurgood:
The B-Team?

Walter:
Let's just say they're in the first half of the alphabet and leave it at that.

Muriel:
[persuading Thurgood not to burn the stolen toilet paper] Don't fight it, Thurgood. It'll be much easier if you just join us.

Walter:
The lady's smart, Thurgood. Now, you be smart, too. Just give us the white and nobody gets hurt but you.

Thurgood:
Just look at you! Look at all of you! You're pathetic! You should be ashamed, because you was this close to takin' the life of a fellow man! Not for honor, not for freedom, not even for sneakers! You was gonna commit murder for THIS! [holds up roll of toilet paper]

Mrs. Avery:
He's got our toilet paper! Kill him!

[Thurgood enters his bedroom only for lights outside to suddenly turn on]

Muriel:
What is that? What's going on?

Thurgood:
There's only one logical explanation: the mothership has landed, just like Bootsy predicted!

Muriel:
I'm sure it's not aliens; it's probably just the police. Goodie, come back to bed.

Thurgood:
Look, I'll be back in a few minutes, but now, it is my celestial duty to spread my funk throughout the universe.

Walter:
Thurgood, why do you insist on pushin' me into that place I really don't want to go? It's such a dark, cold place.

Thurgood:
Me pushin' you?! You're the one that's been ridin' me all week!

Walter:
That's because, unlike you, I pride myself on my job.

Thurgood:
Ha! That's a laugh! You're the most corrupt probation officer in the city.

Walter:
Corrupt? How can you say that?

Thurgood:
Oh, come now, don't you play Mr. Clean around me. You have railroaded more people than Amtrak. Now, all of a sudden, when it comes to me, you want to find your conscience. Well, where was it, Walter? Stuffed in your trunk with a garbage bag wrapped around its head?

Walter:
Okay, Thurgood. It's true. You know, when I was a cop, I saw that the justice system didn't always work. Sometimes it needed a little help from me. But when I voluntarily accepted forced retirement, I went over to the penal system, where things do work. So I ain't into clearing the losers off the streets no more. Now I make productive people, [poking Thurgood] one loser at a time.

Thurgood:
Why, you big, fat, four-eyes, self-righteous bag of wind fat boy! I violated my parole. Yeah, I violated my parole, Walter! So what?! I violated! Big deal! I violated! What you gonna do, ground me?

[cut to Walter strapping a detector around Thurgood's leg]

Walter:
Welcome to house arrest!