American Horror Story, Season 3: Coven

Madison:
It's too hot. My frickin' vagina's sweating.

Fiona:
[to Zoe, Madison, Nan & Queenie] You girls need to learn to fight. When witches don't fight, we burn.

Fiona:
[to Cordelia] Don't make me drop a house on you.

Fiona:
[to Madame LaLaurie] C'mon, Mary Todd Lincoln. I'll buy you a drink.

Fiona:
The world's not going to miss a bunch of assholes in Ed Hardy t-shirts.

Fiona:
[to Queenie] Oh Jesus, go change your clothes. Wear something... black.

Madison:
Is this where we all sing Kum-Bah-Yah?

Queenie:
Bitch! I will eat you.

Zoe:
Everyone here is a witch. I'm so sorry. Please don't send us to jail.

Fiona:
[to Madison] You're missing the point

Madison:
What's the point?

Fiona:
The point is in this whole wide wicked world the only thing you have to be afraid of is me.

Zoe:
Did we just marry the Devil? Because I'm not down with that.

Marie:
Well maybe you haven't heard the news about civilization started in Africa. We're more then just pins and dolls and seeing the future in chicken parts. You've been reading too many tourist guides.

Fiona:
Speaking of tourist guides... no more spray. I have been to St. Louis No.1 and I have seen the tomb of Laveau. Seen the fat tourists from Little Rock to Hackensack drawing crosses on the bricks, making wishes to the bones of Marie Laveau. Little do they know, all they have to do to get their wishes granted was come down here to the ninth ward and get their hair braided.

Marie:
And what is your wish, witch?

Fiona:
I want what you have. Whatever it is that has kept you young all these years.

Marie:
[laughs] The hammer wants the nail's magic. Oh, that is rich!

Fiona:
Yeah, and you're gonna give it to me. Because, I have something you want.

Marie:
You could offer me a unicorn that shit hundred dollar bills and I'd still never give you nothing more then a headache.

Delphine:
[watching Barack Obama on television] No... why oh Lord Almighty God have you forsaken this once proud country?

Fiona:
Oh God, are you blubbering again? Eternal life and all you can do with it is stuff your face and cry.

Delphine:
That magic box lies. Somebody... somebody in there, they just said that... that negro is the President of the United States.

Fiona:
I voted for him, twice. We've also had Black Secretaries of State, Supreme Court Justices and even the Poet Laureate.

Delphine:
Lieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss.

Queenie:
You're the bitch that blindsided me with that candlestick.

Delphine:
How dare you open your foul mouth to me, negress!

Queenie:
Excuse me?

Delphine:
I may be a maid, but there are limits to my servitude.

Queenie:
You best put that food down in front of me before I frisbee this plate at your head.

[Delphine throws the plate of food against the wall]

Queenie:
Cracker bitch!

Fiona:
Hey! What the hell is going on here?

Madison:
Miss Aryan Sisterhood came between Queenie and her food.

Delphine:
I will not stoop to serve her kind.

Fiona:
You know Delphine, from now on you're going to be Queenie's personal slave. And Queenie, you ask her to do whatever you need done. Make your bed, scrub your toilet, I don't give a shit.

Queenie:
Sweet.

Fiona:
There's nothing I hate more than a racist.

Joan:
Oh, this is the welcoming committee, and you brought baked goods, aren't you darling? Well we'd love to visit but we're running late for church. [to Luke] We'll take the cake to share.

Madison:
Church? It's not even Sunday.

Luke:
It's Bible study.

Joan:
It's how we maintain our personal relationship with our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Madison:
You know that's all a crock of shit, right? I mean, why wait for some phony happily ever after when you can have your piece now? I say.

Marie:
[about Fiona] Too late for tears, damage is done. Waltzing in here like she the Queen of England, talkin' bout hammer and nails, lookin' to start a war.

Cordelia:
Fiona was here?

Marie:
She done messed with the wrong witch, and she knows it and now you know it.

Fiona:
This coven doesn't need a new supreme, it needs a new rug.

Fiona:
Tonight I'm going to let the whole world in and get a good look at me. Who's the baddest witch in town?

Myrtle:
Fiona, it's been a long time.

Fiona:
Myrtle Snow... Look at you, developing a sense of style when no one was paying attention.

Queenie:
Madison Montgomery is a stone-cold bitch who loves hard drinking, big dicks and trouble. If she's dead, it's probably 'cause she got wasted and offered the Grim Reaper a hand job or something.

Spalding:
These are my last words, Miss Fiona. I have always loved you.

Elderly patient:
[to Fiona] You didn't throw that acid but you might as well have.

Marie:
[to her reanimated corpse army] Begin.

Marie:
They got some real power in that witch house now.

Delphine:
[about her own daughter] She had a monster for a mother. Her death was the only kindness I ever did for her.

Myrtle:
If you wouldn't listen,.....

Fiona:
YOU will sit! (Myrtle sits on a chair)

Myrtle:
[upon being sentenced to burn] No need to bind me. I shall not resist. Why would I? I've been swimming against the tide my whole life. Look where it got me. I used to be an outcast, a freak, until I found my place in this coven. I thought I'd come home, but I was wrong. I go proudly to the flame. Go ahead, burn me.

Myrtle:
[before being hot wet and burned by the cigarette because of Fiona] You're all toads in a pot which Fiona is slowly bringing to the boil, by the time you notice, it will already be too late, I'd rather burn than boil.

Fiona:
(to Myrtle) Any last words?

Myrtle:
You haven't seen the last of me before! (burns/screams/cries on fire)

Misty:
[to Zoe about Kyle] Get him out of here. He broke Stevie.

Zoe:
[to Spalding] Alright you twisted, tea-serving necrophiliac, what'd you do to Madison?

Marie:
When I plant a fat-ass cracker bitch, I expect her to stay planted, not spring up like that damn ragweed.

Cordelia:
(to the axeman) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (2 times), (the axeman breaks glasses) no, noooooooooooooo!

Madison:
CORDELIA! (tries to unlock and open the door and save Cordelia from the axeman.)

Kaylee:
[to Cordelia] I just want to find a good husband and have three kids. I think I have a good shot. I work out and play fantasy football.

The Axeman:
I am not a human being, but a spirit. A foul demon from hottest Hell.

Madison:
I am a Millennial. Generation Y. Born between the birth of AIDS and 9/11, give or take. They call us "the Global Generation." We are known for our entitlement and narcissism. Some say it's because we're the first generation where every kid gets a trophy just for showing up. Others think it's because social media allows us to post every time we fart or have a sandwich for all the world to see. But it seems that our one defining trait is a numbness to the world, an indifference to suffering. I know I did anything I could to not feel. Sex, drugs, booze. Just take away the pain. Take away my mother and my asshole father. And the press, and all the boys I loved who wouldn't love me back. Hell, I was gang raped, and two days later I was back in class like nothing happened. I mean, that must have hurt like hell, right? Most people never get over stuff like that, and I was, like, "Let's go for Jamba juice." I would give everything I have or will ever have just to feel pain again. To hurt.

Delphine:
It's this century. It still does perplex me so.

Queenie:
You think I'm any less perplexed? I dragged my ass all the way here from Detroit to be with my, quote, "sister witches." And instead I'm sitting in a fast-food parking lot at 3 in the morning with an immortal racist. How'd that happen?

The Axeman:
"The reason for living was to get ready to stay dead a long time."

Fiona:
Faulkner.

The Axeman:
As I lay dying.

Fiona:
I get it. You're not just any old broke-down sax man, you're college-educated one.

The Axeman:
I've led a... solitary life.

The Axeman:
The joke was they always watched the bass player. But they should have watched my fingers... on the keys... my body in perfect synchronization... an extension of my instrument... no effort at all, just one with hit. The way my lips and my tongue wrapped around my instrument was... impeccable. My embouchure... that's how I calibrate, hit those clear, high, notes.

Marie Laveau:
(to Madame) It's been such a long time.

Madame:
You don't know this one, what did she (Queenie) do to me?

Queenie:
(to Madame) Yes, I do, you dumb b*tch.

Madame:
(to Queenie/Marie Laveau) No. (2 times) (gets arrested) NOOOOOOO! (3 times) (gets put into a cage/jail by Queenie and Marie Laveau), (crying), NOOOOOOOOOOOO (2 times), no, please!

Queenie:
(to Marie Laveau) I love to.

Madame:
(to Queenie) No, no, you stay away from me, you stay away from me you, hear me?! YOU STAY AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Myrtle:
Can you imagine those poor Salem witches traveling all the way down here in covered wagons without a proper charcuterie platter or a bidet? Absolutely savage!

Fiona:
I'm starting to look less Samantha and more Endora every day.

Queenie:
Voodoo. Witchcraft. This town ain't big enough for the both of us. War is coming.. and you're gonna lose.

Delphine:
(to Queenie) Throw me back in the box. I've seen enough of this world. I'll take no part in a country that has a darkie in the White House.

Delphine:
(to Marie Laveau) I'm not afraid of you. (Marie Laveau cuts Delphine's arm) OOOOOW (at several times)!

Cordelia:
[to Misty Day] Your feet should be getting warmer.

Myrtle:
I'm told it starts as a tingle in the cooch.

Fiona:
For me, it started as a classic migraine. Auras, nausea, pain behind the eyes.

Madison:
[to Fiona] Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.

Hank:
I'm part of a sacred order, a soldier in a shadow war, a war that's been raging since before the time of Salem; we are a brotherhood pledged in blood, dedicated to stamping out the pestilence of witchery on the North American continent.

Fiona:
You know why I got a female attack dog?

Hank:
Because bitches stick together?

Fiona:
Because females are more loyal and aggressive when it comes to protecting their family.

Myrtle:
At any rate, I'm not going to kill you, well maybe after dessert. I put a lot of effort into the Key Lime Pie. I do love a Key Lime Pie. Even more than a île flottante... call me a Philistine.

Fiona:
Oh..Sweet Jesus !

Myrtle:
He gets no credit. It was I who restored our beloved Cordelia.

Fiona:
One dog moves out, another moves in. It's the circle of life.

Nan:
[to Madison] Put out that cigarette. Now stick it in your vagina.

Fiona:
[to Papa Legba] She's innocent! Mostly... She killed the neighbor, but the bitch had it coming.

Papa Legba:
[to Fiona] I don't give a donkey shit about title. I want only one thing: your soul.

Papa Legba:
[to Fiona & Marie from putting/killing Nan in the water in the tub] You two together are in biiiiiig trouble.

Fiona:
[to the Axeman] Haven't you heard? I have no soul. I'll just kill 'em all.

Fiona:
Yeah, well before we hop on our broomsticks, let's think it through.

Cordelia:
(as Myrtle plays the theramin) What is that thing? It's hideous and weird.

Myrtle:
Don't be a hater, dear.

Myrtle Snow:
(to Cordelia) I'm trying to give you une demi tasse de realite, darling. Let's be honest. Living in Fiona's shadow is a challenge. What are your options when your mother's Hillary Clinton? Between us chickens, no matter how hard I worked at it, I never felt special, either. But with my reemergence from the flames - look at me, I'm fabulous, reinvigorated, one never knows what the universe has in store for us!

Cordelia Foxx:
(crying) Oh, stop, stop talking, you are insane, my god, (breaks the glass)! I am an absolute failure! Everything that Fiona says is true! I don't belong here (with Myrtle) anymore, I don't belong anywhere (with Myrtle), (breaks the glasses), NO, (breaks the glasses)!

Delphine:
I think I'm gonna like it here.

Myrtle:
Madison, you are the worst kind of Hollywood cliche. You are a bubblehead with crotchless panties.

Madison:
And you're a dried up, old hot pocket, but I don't judge.

Myrtle:
You can't talk to me like that. I'm your elder.

Madison:
Welcome to the revolution, Carrot Top. As the next Supreme, I'm gonna drag this Coven out of the Dark Ages. Crotchless panties for everyone.

Madison:
[to Kyle] As for you, Ken doll. Well, putting you together was fun... [burns the cigarette] But taking you apart's gonna be even more fun.

Fiona:
[to The Delphi Trust men] Here's my other offer. You can all just die.

Queenie:
Where is Marie Laveau?

Fiona:
She's probably off in some unholy nether realm, cavorting with that half-baked Beetlejuice. Papa Legaboo-boo, or whatever the hell his name is.

Queenie:
[to Delphine] A dog returns to his vomit.

Misty:
You bitch, [slaps Madison] you thought that I'm some dumb swamp rat you could leave behind to die?

Madison:
Ummm, yes. [walks beside her]

Myrtle:
Girls, stop these vulgar fisticuffs. [lights cigarette] It's beneath us.

Misty:
I don't wanna waste my magic on you, I can do you with my hands.

Myrtle:
Please tell me this is a hallucination driven by my bouquet of atropa belladonna.

Axeman:
You must pay for what you've done!

Madison:
Wow, did you walk into the wrong house?

Axeman:
I'll kill all of you!

Misty:
I can't bring someone back once they're gator shit.

Papa Legba:
Congratulations, Madame Delphine LaLaurie, you have been granted your sweet release from de world of de mortal... and as punishment for your crimes of murder, torture, passion, fashion, and being an all-round no-good, miserable bitch, you will spend all of eternity here... in my home.

Madame:
It's my home.

Papa Legba:
No, it's mine,... welcome to h*ll (H*ll).

Madame:
(to Papa Legba) You've seen the last of me.

Borquita:
(to Madame) NO (DON'T DIE), PLEASE, MOTHER! (to Marie Laveua) NO! (Madame and Borquita scream) (Madame gets burned/killed by Marie Laveau)

Cordelia:
Careful, girls, it's not a game.

Madison:
It's the best game and we need a goddamn break.

Zoe:
Can't we just have a little fun?

Madison:
I was Leisl (from her Sound of Music the recorded movie dream).

Kyle:
You let her (Zoe) die, why did you let her die?

Madison:
I did it for us, I love you. I love you... Please, please!

Kyle:
You're not that good an actress.

Robert (Bobby) the 9 Year Old 4th Grader Boy:
Mr. Krinkin (a 4th grade science teacher), she (Misty who's 31 years old to be with him) did it (made a frog alive) again!

Mr. Krinkin:
Shut up!

Misty:
(to Mr. Krinkin) Don't make me! (Don't make me cut or kill the frog!) (gets made cut/kill the frog) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (makes the frog alive)

Bobby:
Mr. Krinkin,...!

Misty:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!, BLEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cordelia:
(crying) (Misty disappears.) No!

Cordelia:
[to Myrtle] Any last words?

Myrtle:
Only one: BALENCIAGA! (Cordelia throws a cigarette at Myrtle) (burns/screams/cries on fire)

Fiona:
You took my power the minute I gave birth to you.

Cordelia:
[to Fiona] Feel the fear and the pain, let it all in, and then let it all go.

Axeman:
(to Fiona) I love you more than jazz, baby doll

Zoe:
[to Queenie] It's absinthe. Drink of the divine, which we are.

Queenie:
I grew up on white girl shit like "Charmed" and "Sabrina the Teenage Cracker". I didn't know there even were black witches. As it turns out, I'm an heir to Tituba. She was a house slave in Salem. She was the first to be accused of witchcraft. So, technically, I'm part of your tribe.

Madison:
Is this where we all sing Kum-Bah-Yah?

Queenie:
Bitch! I will eat you.