Andy Barker, P.I.

Andy:
Well, it's my first day as my own boss. I don't know when I'm gonna be home.

Jenny:
You're an accountant, Andy Barker. You go where the numbers take you!

[Andy enters his office to find Nicole sitting at his desk]

Nicole:
I made $18.50 an hour at my old job; I expect the same here.

Andy:
Of course. Who are you?

Nicole:
I'm Nicole. From the Long Beach Star. Those files that you stole...that was on my watch. You're the reason I got fired.

Andy:
Oh, I am so sorry about that. Yeah, I - I was doing some P.I. work.

Nicole:
No need to explain. The fact that you've hired me as your assistant has more than made up for it.

Andy:
Well, actually I didn't hire you.

[she stares blankly at him]

[Andy is about to be shot]

Andy:
Wait! I could be so much more valuable to you alive. As a qualified CPA -

Government agent:
I have the finest financial advisors money can buy. I don't need a bookkeeper.

Andy:
[indignantly] Bookkeeper!

[Andy makes to attack the man]

[the government agent fires at Andy with the actual gun Aaron Burr used to duel Alexander Hamilton and misses]

Transcor agent:
What the hell?

Government agent:
It's Aaron Burr's; it hasn't been cleaned in two hundred years.

[he fires and misses again]

Transcor agent:
What the hell?

Government agent:
Give me a break, it's a fine collectible!

Lew:
[faced with a chicken] Okay, remember me? I'm Lew Staziak and I'm all grown up now!

[he raises his gun at the chicken, but Simon pushes his shaking hand down and shoos the chicken into a nearby slaughter room]