Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Season 5

Meatwad:
Yippie-ka yay, motherfucker!

Meatwad:
And why are we here? Why Boston?

Master Shake:
Synergy.

Benjamin Franklin:
Where do you connect the kite?

Ghost of Paul Revere:
Hey, just build it, you fucking pansy! [Franklin ahems from Revere's profanity] You know what? Fuck you! I'll be down at the bar where I parked the car. I fucking meant horse.

Narrator:
Meanwhile, in Baltimore.

Johnny Unitas:
Look, it's Boston! And it's a bomb!

Cast of Hairspray:
Boston is a bomb!

Earl Weaver:
You think I don't know that, you dumb cast of the musical Hairspray dick-sucking, motherfuckers!?

Earl Weaver:
It's a bomb!

Ghost of Paul Revere:
Guy, it's a freaking light.

Earl Weaver:
Guy, it's a motherfucking, cocksucking bomb!

Ghost of Paul Revere:
It's a freaking light!

Earl Weaver:
Bomb!

Ghost of Paul Revere:
Light!

Earl Weaver:
Bomb!

Ghost of Paul Revere:
Light!

Earl Weaver:
Bomb!

Ghost of Paul Revere:
Light!

Earl Weaver:
Bomb!

Ghost of Paul Revere:
Light!

Earl Weaver:
Bomb!

Ghost of Paul Revere:
Light!

Cast of Hairspray:
It's a bomb!

Earl Weaver:
Will you shut the fuck up! You stupid, shit-eating cast of the musical Hairspray! Bunch of faggot motherfuckers!

Ghost of Paul Revere:
Look, seriously? It's just a light.

Earl Weaver:
No! YOU look, seriously! It's a fucking bomb!

Ghost of Paul Revere:
Oh, my freaking God! It's a bomb!

Cast of Hairspray:
It's a bomb!

Ghost of Paul Revere:
Get the freak out of here, dude! Hey, hey! Sox rule!

Master Shake:
Bomb, light, whatever. It's just a hoax.

Frylock:
Shake, a hoax is a humorous or malicious deception and this is clearly not that.

Master Shake:
I don't care! You can't make us leave! [Cut to the house] Damn it! They made us leave!

Frylock:
Well, at least we made some money.

Master Shake:
No, I spent it all, on this!

Master Shake:
That's Paul Revere going through Bill Buckner's legs with a bowl of chowder. And he's got Plymouth Rock in his pants. And those are witches casting a spell on the cast of Cheers. And that is a lobster bib, still working on that. Oh, and that's uh Ted Kennedy riding a dolphin through Chappaquiddick.

Police Officer:
Boston is safe, now.

Frylock:
But, we're in New Jersey.

Police Officer:
New Jersey is near Boston, and now they're both safe. Also, no one is safe.

Police Officer:
[Master Shake explodes] Oh, no! He was the bomb, not the sandwich! The sandwich was harmless all along!

Ignignokt:
Or so you think.

Err:
Fools!

Ignignokt:
For in a mere forty eight hours, this sandwich will rot in mold and envelop the panicked city in blue spores of... sandwich mold.

Err:
Oh, man. Look. He just threw it away.

Ignignokt:
The sandwich?

Err:
Yeah, man! The sandwich!

Ignignokt:
Really?

Err:
Threw it in the garbage.

Ignignokt:
Damn it.

Err:
SHIT!

Ignignokt:
We must go to the store at once and stock up on deadly meats and cheeses, spreading fear and mayonnaise and... your choice of spicy or regular mustard throughout the Western world.

Err:
Yeah, let me just get my money and just go on down to the... Oh, wait! Where the fuck are we going to find a store?!

Ignignokt:
Look, we're not going to do that. That's... that's just for the video.

Err:
Oh, yeah, the video.

Ignignokt:
You were filming, right.

Err:
Is this on?

Ignignokt:
Here, take a picture of me. I'm going to... saw my own head off.

Err:
Yeah, do that. That will show them.

Ignignokt:
Yes, it will. Down on your knees, America. The rivers will run red with my blood. Digital... This sucks, I'm not doing this.

Robot Dad:
WE live here now!

Robot Kids:
Yay!

Robot Dad:
Who are you?

Carl:
Well I'm thee uh...I'm thee, real-a-tor... and I gotta say, I'm puttin' my foot down. I need proof of uh... you know-you gotta job, man?

Robot Dad:
I have no credit, no savings, and I'm between opportunities.

Robot Mom:
But I must warn you, he is lazy...

Robot Dad:
...Extremely lazy

Markula:
Carl, have you seen the deadbeats around? You know, "the food".

Carl:
No, they left in the middle of the night.

Markula:
That's because I had demons drag them off into the night. I'm not going to fix a gas leak for them. At this very moment they are being cocooned by military spiders in a cave in the Mojave Desert. That's what I do to a-holes. But not you [the robots]. I would never do that to you. You're free to stay here forever and ever. [Transforms into a bat] Now, feast! [leaves]

Carl:
Feast on what, man?

Robot Dad:
Oh, boy! Invisible robot meat! My favorite.

Robot Mom:
Look, kids! Invisible robot meat!

Robot Kids:
Robot meat! Robot meat! Robot meat!

Carl:
...All right, if you need anything [holds a flame to the gas leak setting the house on fire] do not-do not come next door.

[The robots are in Carl's house while he sleeps]

Robot Dad:
Carl...Carl...Hey Carl...CARL!

Carl:
AH!!!

Robot Dad:
We can't sleep.

Robot Mom:
Can you?

Carl:
Get outta my friggin' house!

Robot Dad:
No, I want some water.

Robot Mom:
Yes, we all want water.

Robot Kids:
Yay! Water! Water! Water!

Carl:
Fine, fine! Get some in the bathroom and then get out of here!

Robot Dad:
[pause] Robots don't drink water. Use your brain. You failed test #1.

Carl:
What're you talkin' about man?

Robot Dad:
You will pass or else [dramatic music plays].

Carl:
Or else what?[the robot shoots Carl's right shoulder hair off] Ah! My shoulder hair!

Robot Dad:
Come on kids. Chubby is grumpy.

Robot Kid:
Chubby's grumpy.

Carl:
Whoa whoa whoa, do the other one. At least make it even [the robot shoots Carl's left shoulder hair off] Ah! Now get outta here!

[Carl is on the Phone]

Carl:
Hey Ma! It's Carl! How are you doing! Hey Ma, I'm thinking of packing my bags and heading over to that dark dismal va hospital you live at.

[Robots are outside looking in on Carl]

Robot Mom:
Carl, come outside!

Robot Dad:
Carl, hang up!

Carl:
Oh, no, no, no, I'll bring a car it'll be fine.

Robot Mom:
Carl!

[Robot Parents start ringing bells and are joined by their children]

Robot Mom:
Hang up, Carl!

Carl:
What do you mean tomorrow's physical therapy? It's Carl! Your Son! Ya, the one with the mustache! Oh, is that right? WELL YOU TOO YOU BITCH!

[The Aqua Teens' voice answering machine]

Frylock:
Hi, this is, Frylock. Sorry, we can't come to the phone right now as we're currently being cocooned by military spiders in the Mojave Desert. At the sound of the tone-

Shake:
"At the 'sound' of the tone"? Wouldn't it just be "at the tone"?

Frylock:
Shut up, Shake. I like to be thorough.

Robot Dad:
Apply the diodes!

[The Robot Mom puts a donut on Carl's head]

Robot Dad:
You will feel no pain.

Robot Mom:
You will feel no pain.

Robot Dad:
But you must sit very still.

Robot Mom:
You must sit very still.

Robot Dad:
Ring the bell when the flies come.

Robot Mom:
Ring the bell when the flies come!

Carl:
Okay, is this a test?

Robot Dad:
Yeah, it's a test, sure. See you in one hour.

[A bee flies over to Carl]

Carl:
Okay, I got a bee. Does a bee count?

Robot Dad:
No...no, only flies.

Robot Mom:
Only flies!

Robot Dad:
We have had legendary arguments with flies!

Carl:
I still got one more test here. I got a test, uh, for you.

Robot Dad:
Well, we don't take tests.

Carl:
Yeah, but this one's supereasy. It's called..."count the bullets."

Robot Dad:
Well, we're not good at math.

(Carl pulls out a Minigun and shoots the robots for twelve seconds)

Robot Dad:
15,943. Do more! More! They're like vitamins to us.

Carl:
Yeah? (Carl keeps shooting through the end of the show)

Carl:
Uh, let's be frank, that gas leak is going to kill anyone who tries to live in here...

Markula:
I'm not fixing that gas leak for you or anybody!

Carl:
All right, I mean, are you dead set on that price? I mean, 20 grand a month man.

Markula:
I need that money. The cost of blood is going up. I need to feed.

Carl:
Yeah, you keep throwing around words like "blood" and "feed". I mean, feed what man?

Markula:
Never you mind. I've said too much already. Oh, I'm so stupid. Stupid!

[Siren song]

Sirens: 69, when you eat a junk lunch At the same time, that you get your junk munched And givin', and gettin' And givin', and gettin' it on I'm givin', and gettin' And givin', and gettin' it on

Carl:
I don't dance...unless I'm totally wasted.

John Kruk:
Hell, let's get wasted!

[Carl gets drunk and dances and scats Led Zeppelin's "The Ocean" in order to get laid by the Sirens]

The Sirens:
[singing] We do not like it.

John Kruk:
That uh, That pretty much means they don't like it Carl.

Carl:
Oh, c'mon! What do I gotta do here?

John Kruk:
Here, take this knife, slice off your nipples, and feed them to the sisters. Like grapes.

Carl:
All right. No, I'm not doing that.

John Kruk:
Oh, c'mon man. You know you're drunk.

Carl:
Yeah, I know. [cuts off his nipples] It's a good thing too, otherwise I would totally feel this.

John Kruk:
Do you have them? All right, now take them and throw them in the sewer.

Carl:
I thought that you said-

John Kruk:
You thought what?! That you're stupid? You're so stupid! That's for hitting me with a battery at Schuyler's, you asshole!

Carl:
So, they don't want the nipples?

John Kruk:
Dude, who WOULD want them? Dogs don't want them. Okay?

Meatwad:
(singing to his new pet cat, Terrence) Terrence, you have my heart. Terrence, you have my soul. Terrence, you ate a bug today, he's no longer moving. You spit him out, his shell don't taste good. But you ate part of his brain. This is home, this is Mean Street.

Shake:
(grabs Terrence) It is time. (Shake leaves with Terrence to the kitchen, as the sound of a microwave turning on is heard)

Shake:
A lot of time, these Korean capacitors can't take this many ohms, and then double the problems when you're trying to defrost somebody's kitty cat in there.

Meatwad:
Someone's kitty cat? WHOSE kitty cat?

Shake:
Whose do ya think?

Meatwad:
Yours?

Shake:
(picks up a cat) This is Mr. Sparkles. He is a magician and he is NOT to be touched!

Meatwad:
Well then whose kitty cat are we talkin' here?

Shake:
Well do the math. You had one, now you have none. What does that equal?

Meatwad:
(pause) Terrence, NO!

Shake:
Terrence— BOOOOM!!

Meatwad:
Terrence! My... (sniffles) skinless love...

Shake:
I am the king! (chuckles)

Frylock:
Oh, yeah, and the KING is going to sleep out in the yard tonight.

Shake:
The grass? That is not a slumber chamber fit for a king!

Frylock:
He was a fine pet, good friend, and he was very cherished and...what was he?

Meatwad:
It's a SHE, thank you, and his name was Terrence.

Frylock:
Oh, sorry, Meatwad, yes, SHE, and now she's gone. Her life (sniffle) snuffed out in its prime — oh, my God, what is that smell?

Shake:
I'll tell you what. It's called Carl. Right there, where he dropped that deuce!

Shake:
You're not gonna be able to stop him now.

Frylock:
What do you mean?

Meatwad:
It's called Reedickyoulous. Ain't you never seen the ad on TV? "Hey, baby, come by to PICK you up later," only it ain't "pick" they sayin'. It's another word that sounds like "pick", but it's like an inverted p at the beginning, so, you know, it's a different word that sounds like "pick", but it ain't the word "pick". It's a different word...

Frylock:
I get it, I get it.

Shake:
Then get it — get me one.

Frylock:
What does it do?

Shake:
It lengthens, strengthen, hardens, girthens, straightens, satisfies, and fully pleasures your crotch.

Frylock:
It doesn't look safe.

Shake:
It's not — they've been sued many times, but women don't get turned on by safe. They crave danger.

Meatwad:
Yeah, they want a man who'll try anything, no matter how disreputable the company.

(Carl's Reedickyoulous is running loudly throughout)

Shake:
Hey, check that out!

(Mr. Sparkles is in the microwave)

Meatwad:
What?

Shake:
Yeah, I know! You're sad about it, right?

Meatwad:
(still can't hear) What?

Shake:
Hold on. (holds up post-it reading, "Your Cat — Dead!!" Meatwad writes one saying, "It's your cat, not mine.") Mr. Sparkles! (Sparkles explodes in microwave)

Meatwad:
What?

Phone message:
If you experience symptoms such as gleaming feces, luminescent groin flesh, or ghosts are escaping out of your anus, please press 1.

Carl:
(talking on phone) Yeah, well, I have experienced some symptoms, yes. [Rapid chatter on other end.] No, I won't sign a release. [Chatter] Yeah, sure, a set of steak knives sound good. What's your point? [Chatter] They'll cut through a can? And then they'll cut tomato? (Walks outside) You need an address or... [Chatter] You can see me? How is that... (tranquilizer dart hits Carl in the throat, and he falls over. A helicopter flies down and a tether picks him up, the helicopter leaves).

Frylock:
Look at this! It's melted straight through the floor!

Shake:
Don't bring that shit in my house!

Frylock:
The radioactive mercury isotopes are off the charts. Do you know what this means?

Shake:
Yeah. It means new carpets, bitch!

Frylock:
Hell, yeah, it does! Gimme some!

Shake:
(he has a cigarette in his mouth and ready to smoke) Let's all smoke some cigarettes to celebrate.

Frylock:
No, Shake! The gas leak!

Shake:
All right (throws his cigarette away), MOM!

Meatwad:
(Meatwad answers the door and sees zombie animals) It's a reunion. Group hug.

Frylock:
Meatwad back away! There all zombified.

Shake:
(Comes out and notices the gorilla) When did you get a gorilla?

Meatwad:
Oh, you don't remember this guy? back in '02. I got tired of always loosing them hamsters you know. So I splurged, 'get me a gorilla'.

Big Billy:
(Speaking in grunts and sign language) Yeah, you don't remember? Shoving me into a microwave?

Shake:
(Now a zombie, Returning after sex with the zombie ape) Do I have a big smile on my face? Oh, I'll never kiss and tell...but I pounded that ape, twice...

Frylock:
Meatwad, back away.

[Pushes Meatwad away from Shake, into the hole in the floor]

Shake:
Yeah, and bow down to the king of ape sex!

(Frylock slices off Shake's top — from the nose up — with a battle axe)

Frylock:
I'm sorry you had to see that, Meatwad, but in order to kill a zombie, you have to separate the brain from the spine.

Shake:
(bottom portion standing up) Hey, I just heard, like, a pop, did you hear that?

Frylock:
Goddamn Wikipedia!

Frylock:
What's your point?

Shake:
I never had one. And that just drives you crazy, doesn't it?

Hoppy Bunny:
[with head sticking through arm hole, talking on phone] Well, just clamp the main artery, and I'll be there as soon as I can. [Chatter on other end] Look, it's standard brain-replacement surgery. I do them in my sleep. [Chatter] What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm getting my groove on. I have a life outside of brain surgery. That's just what I do for a living. It doesn't define me. It doesn't make me a bad surgeon. [Chatter] Oh, but furry bunny hands make me a bad surgeon? It may be weird to you, but it is my religion. [Notices Frylock staring at him, hangs up, and gets back inside the costume] What the hell do you want?

Frylock:
What have you done to Carl?

Hoppy Bunny:
We've unleashed him! You know you want a piece.

Frylock:
A piece of what?

Hoppy Bunny:
A piece of the animal!

Shake:
The jewel is mine! (with Frylock's back jewel, rising into the air) I have the power of a thousand suns!

(Later, in a pawn shop)

Shake:
I'll go twenty on this.

Clerk:
12–thats the best I can do.

Shake:
Alright How about 20?

Clerk:
How about 12?

Shake:
Count me here. Alright(guesses & clears his throat) Tell you what? I'll go 20.

Clerk:
(mocks him) Tell you what? I'll go 12.

Shake:
How about that boom box back there??

Clerk:
That's an AM transistor radio.

Shake:
But it will play cassettes right? And the MP3s?

Clerk:
I don't know. Yeah, it does.

Shake:
You throw that in?

Clerk:
Okay. Sure.

Shake:
YES!!! You got a deal... SUCKER!

Shake:
[To Carl] Yo, chubbs! Hey, hairball!

Carl:
[Puzzled] Okay? Hehe, I'm sorry, you talking to me, there?

Shake:
You spin around and direct your attention to me!

Meatwad:
You had your cholesterol checked recently? You probably got a heart condition coming on. [chuckles] Oh, yeah!

Carl:
You serious?

Shake:
Yes, big boy.

Carl:
What, you got, uh... you got a death wish or something, there?

Shake:
I'm gonna hop in my pool right now and do a few laps, and when I get out, you had better, if you know what's good for you, have a warm towel for me, hot out of the dryer, and I mean HOT! I will not say it again, so if I were you, I'd get those cottage-cheese thighs moving to the laundry room, and eat a salad once in a while. But time is money...

Meatwad:
Time IS money! You GIVE us the money!

Shake:
And my time right now is devoted to laps.

Meatwad:
Hey, you told him, man. You TOLD him!

Shake:
Yeah, I know that I did. It's just so EASY.

Carl:
I'm gonna tell you Milkshake, you mouth is really writing some checks your cup can't cash.

Shake:
Is that right? Well why don't you deposit this in your bank of choice!? [Shoots hole in the side of Carl's house] Boom!

Carl:
No!

Shake:
You take it!

Carl:
The breakfast nook!

Shake:
Yeah!

Carl:
Ah, that was a whole Tuscan theme!

Meatwad:
Yeah, boy, you did it, whoo! You did it!

Shake:
What? You callin' me boy?

Meatwad:
No.

Shake:
Do I look like a small child to you?

Meatwad:
No, no, of, of course not, of course not. It's a term of, of endearment. I just.. you know, like "I love you, you love me and... well, we big happy family"... p-please don't hurt me.

Shake:
Yes yes, sally forth. Fetch me my floatie, knave.

Meatwad:
Aww, yeah, boy! I mean... y-yes, sir. Yes sir, I'm doin' that.

Shake:
Ah, oh! (Shake is now seen in Carl's pool) We have talked about this before. I like it at 7, this clearly says 6.8.

Carl:
What's gotten into you, cup? You put fertilizer on your balls last night?

Shake:
Yes...but that is none of your concern, and to clarify, you will speak when spoken to.

Carl:
No I think I speak when I want, it's a free country, jack!

Shake:
Oh, you like to be free, huh? Well feel free, to feel your ass burn! (fires his lasers at Carl, flying him off-screen)

Carl:
(screams)

Shake:
So young...so naive.

[Carl is emerging from his house, which is on fire]

Carl:
Okay, I'm comin' out, I'm comin' out, please don't - (Shake fires lasers at Carl's feet, he backs off) I told you not to shoot! C'mon!

Shake:
Is this a game to you?

Carl:
It's not, it's not, please!

Shake:
'Cause it is to me! (Shake fires his lasers at bags of take-out food Carl is holding)

Carl:
(screams) Look, I ordered the Mongolian beef like you said! It was combination 79, I got the menu right here; you circled it!

Shake:
And I changed MY MIND before they got here!

Carl:
Look, we can reorder!

Shake:
I was to receive multiple little corn-cobs, and that is NOT what I got!

Carl:
That ain't necessary! (Shake shoots Carl with lasers)

Carl:
(screams) Relax, okay! We... we... we... we... we can reorder!

Shake:
Your time is running out my friend. Ya keep makin' mistakes, and sooner or later, I'm gonna have to put ya down.

Shake:
I'm gonna catch some Z's and for your sake I hope it doesn't rain... and Carl, when I get up the sheets had better be different. Because your Lawrence Taylor linen set...is not a sexual turn-on...when I'm jerkin' off in your bed.

Carl:
HE WAS A CHAMPION! (struggling in his chains)

Shake:
YEAH!

Carl:
You don't touch those sheets, you're gonna be pullin' back a stump!

Shake:
ALL OVER YOUR PRECIOUS WATERBED!

Carl:
I'm gonna get you, Cup, if it's the last thing I do!

Shake:
Yes, I'm sure you will. And by 'sure' I mean, I highly doubt. (chuckles as he leaves)

(After Frylock discovers that Master Shake has his contacts)

Frylock:
Shake, wait. You can't overuse them. They'll do serious damage to your eyes.

Shake:
Wow. You know what? (zaps Frylock) BOO-YAH! I will totally annihilate that bridge when I come to it, and, I'm not real happy about your tone right now.

(Frylock and Carl chained to the tree; after Meatwad rips out Shake's eyes)

Frylock:
Meatwad, did you get the key?

Meatwad:
(shoots lasers at the tree) I got what I need, and now I'm gonna tell you what I want. (shoots lasers again) Yeah! That looked good!

Carl:
Oh, Meatman... you took his friggin eyeballs out. That's intense!

Frylock:
Yeah, you didn't have to take his eyes out man! Damn!

Meatwad:
(chuckling) Yeah, I did.

Shake:
(Comes out and has two empty eye sockets) Okay, fools! I have re-energised, and you will be receiving the dividends of my constant laser spanking. Where are you? And I'm only going to ask that once. And my second question is, where the hell are my eyeballs?

Carl:
Y'know, you oughta just go ahead and get the corrective surgery.

Frylock:
I heard it messes with your night vision, y'know.

Meatwad:
I've heard good things about it, though. Think: not having to have that saline, not having to keep up with glasses...

Master Shake:
Listen, the technology's improved: it's hard to say no to!

Frylock:
Ehh, it's so EXPENSIVE, though...

Carl:
Yeah, but it's been going down the past couple of years. This one cousin of mine- you know Terry? He-he ain't a medical doctor- he's self-taught, though. He passes the savings onto you.

[Carl is on the phone with Markula, while Paul screams and destroys the Aqua Teens' house]

Carl:
Come on man pick up the phone. [Markula doesn't answer yet] Man, pick up the freakin' phone.

Markula:
[phone rings a few times before answering] Why have you disturbed my slumber at this hour?

Carl:
Do you hear that? Listen...

Paul:
[Screaming]

Markula:
Yes, and it is beautiful.

Carl:
Uh, not to me man. And I called the cops, and they uh... took one look... and kept driving.

Markula:
You leave my tenant alone!

Carl:
He's screaming his head off over there! I'm about to get my balls up there and uh... make it my business.

Markula:
With what? You can't stop him. He will shred you like a sheet.

Carl:
Yeah, he definitely has me on weight.

[Paul tears a recliner asunder]

Carl:
Oh, my God...

Markula:
Listen... just give him a couple days. He's going through a difficult custody battle.

Paul:
Stupid bitch!

Carl:
Just so you know, he's ripping all the copper out of your house, and just hauled ass down the street.

Paul:
That bitch! Got the minivan and the damn convertible!

Markula:
Oh, he's probably just getting some money for a fix.

[Carl and Markula are standing in front of the Aqua Teen's destroyed house]

Carl:
You see that? Look at that!

Markula:
See what?

Carl:
THAT!

Markula:
No I don't see what. Everything is fine Carl, just relax. They're only kids.

Carl:
They're just- No there's one of them and he's a freaking monster!

Markula:
He's not a monst- shhhhh.

Carl:
I can talk when I want where I wan-

[Carl turns to see Paul standing directly behind him]

Carl:
I mean uh... yeah... I don't know... uh... yeah... I was talking about this guy at work, he's a monster...

Paul:
What does she even need two cars for?!

Markula:
Oh, Paul, good morning, and how was your fix? Did you ride the white horse?

Paul:
[to Carl] What did you do to my house?!

Markula:
Carl, what did YOU do to Paul's house?

Carl:
Look here! I'm getting, uh... I'm uh... I'm having a city, uh... ordinance... neighborhood watch... I'm gonna uh... make some stuff happen, and you better...

Markula:
You're so mad.

Carl:
You clean it up at your own pace, because I know you're big, but...

Markula:
Hahahahaha! No one likes you!

Carl:
I'm so pissed off!

Markula:
Fryman, this could all go away if you would simply pay me for October...and YOU fix the gas leak!

Shake:
I'm not fixing that gas leak for me or anyone else, you son of a bitch!

Frylock:
Save it Shake.

Markula:
Yes, save it, for tomorrow it won't matter when we play pin the tail on the Shake, and we bob for meatballs, and then we'll play ignore the Fryman.

Meatwad:
I'm playin' it right now.

[Markula gives Carl an invitation to his 4040th birthday party]

Markula:
Lordy Lordy! Look who's turning 4040! [pause] What? You don't RSVP?

Carl:
Well, you just handed this to me.

[the day of the party]

DJ:
Alright let's give it up for the birthday boy, Markula! How old are you?

Markula:
I am the one turning 4040.

DJ:
[Quietly] Four thousand forty? [Loudly] That is old!!

Markula:
I told you no phones! You're just making me look stupid!

DJ:
And now it's time to let the lights down for Couples' Skate!

Paul:
(grabs Carl) Oh, boy! Couples' skate!! (squeezes Carl in half out of excitement)

Master Shake:
Once, there was a beautiful little girl...

Meatwad:
What happened to her?

Master Shake:
Her mom threw acid on her face because she was jealous of her beauty!

Meatwad:
No...

Master Shake:
Skulldilocs! Skulldilocs! Thats what the schoolchildren cried... And she was so upset... she threw acid on the schoolkids faces!

Meatwad:
Oh my goodness!

Master Shake:
Cause somebody from the bible told her to do it!... now press the button...

Meatwad:
I don't wanna press the button!

Master Shake:
If you don't press it she's gonna come for you in the night!

Meatwad:
With a bucket of acid for my face?!?

Master Shake:
Spoiler alert: yes...

Meatwad:
No!

Master Shake:
Press the button with all your might! Now give me your hand!

Meatwad:
NO! I won't do it! (Shake smashes the button against Meatwad, pressing it and causing the book to make screaming sounds)

Master Shake:
...the children screamed, again and again and again... Press it again (Smashes it againest Meatwad again. making the book scream again.) Press it again twice fast. (Smashes it against Meatwad twice making the book scream twice.)...and Skulldilocs was never found...Good-night! (Leaves a crying Meatwad in his room and is shown locking the door with multiple chains and bars) See ya in hell! (Meatwad squeezes throgh the bottom of the door.) Fine.

Carl:
WHO IS GIVING OUT FREE DUMMIES IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD?!! If it's that Mormon kid, I swear to God!

Master Shake:
Leave it to me.

[onstage]

Master Shake:
And clearly ladies and gentleman my little wooden friend is torched. And yet, where did he go? Voila! (Dummy appears in lion's mouth) Thank You! Thank you very much! And the gorilla says "You mean the one that fucked' ya up the ass?" and the lion says...

Die Dummy:
Why? Did it already make the papers?

Master Shake:
That's exactly what he said, you son of a bitch! Thank you! We got a million of 'em.

[At the bar]

Master Shake:
This is huge for me! You know I'm the star, right?

Frylock:
Oh, yeah, man, we're real proud of you Shake-

Master Shake:
You know what, Frylock? I've found my niche and I've just grooved right into it. (Dummy steals a wing) Hey! Watch the wing sauce on the tux. Jose Feliciano wants us to open for him. That's big!

Meatwad:
I wish them dummies was real flesh and blood boys.

Master Shake:
No!

Meatwad:
Yeah-uh. I do.

[TV Commercial]

TV:
Warrior gum. The last gum you'll ever need.

Man:
Damn!

Master Shake:
Listen, when we dock, I'm gettin' a tattoo of an anaconda that's coming outta my groin region! It's gonna say Bad Ass...in ancient Script. Like Egyptian, maybe.

Meatwad:
Also [puts his hat on] I joined the Marines.

Frylock:
You did what?

Meatwad:
I joined the Marines.

[Frylock awakens to find his head in a trap]

Frylock:
Where am I?

Puppet:
Welcome to Canada, Frylock. The key to the trap on your head is implanted in your skull, just behind your right eye. On the table in front of you is a grapefruit and grapefruit spoon. Do the math.

Frylock:
Wait, wait! What's the grapefruit for?!

Puppet:
[pause] I don't know actually, I forgot. You think you can maybe...grab your jaw and sort of rip your head open. I want to see inside there! Rip your head open!!

[Shake and Meatwad find Frylock in Canada]

Master Shake:
Frylock! We found you! I miss your beautiful face!

Meatwad:
How was Canada?

Frylock:
Canada? Uh, Canada sucks.

Meatwad:
Well, so does the Marines.

[Shake is covered in blood]

Meatwad:
Well, pack your things, maggot. We goin' to the Middle East.

Master Shake:
Hell no! Let's see the Marines try to take me like this!

[Master Shake pulls out a shotgun and puts it in his mouth]

Meatwad:
Shake, NO!

[Shake blows his own head off. Cut to an aircraft carrier at sea.]

Master Shake:
[His head having been poorly reassembled] Unbelievable! They took me like this!

Meatwad:
You smokin' and jokin' with these potaters or are you peeling them, maggot?

Master Shake:
Uh, Hello! What are you doing over there without me?

Frylock:
I'm updating my MySpace page.

Master Shake:
Well, I'm about to update your My FACE page with my ASS unless you get in there and read us a story!

Meatwad:
I don't want to hear a story, I wanna watch a story.

Master Shake:
No, no, the TV is tired of you looking at it!

Meatwad:
How do you know? You don't know the TV.

Master Shake:
I do! I'm very good friends with the TV. That's how we get all the good shows.

Meatwad:
What are you doing, Frylock?

Frylock:
I told you once already.

Master Shake:
Look. I'm about to whip it out. And I'm gonna urinate all over this room and you will WISH that I did not ingest all that asparagus.

Frylock:
All right, go ahead. Whip it out.

Master Shake:
He wants to come out and punish you.

Meatwad:
Go on. Show him.

Master Shake:
Oh, I will. In private. Because there's not enough room in here.

Meatwad:
Why don't you ask that TV if he'd mind showing me some Futurama? I like me some Futurama.

Master Shake:
Well, now we're too damn cheap to receive it, so go the hell over to Carl Central and watch it to your heart's content.

Meatwad:
Carl gets Futurama?

Master Shake:
He didn't even want it until we started watching it.

Frylock:
Will y'all SHUT UP?! Meatwad, will you pick up this fake vomit? I'm havin' my new friends over for drinks, and they don't need to be seein' that, okay!

Meatwad:
Well, only some of it is fake.

Master Shake:
Oh, yeah? I'm having friends over too and believe me when I tell you my friends will hurt your friends! They're gonna call them names and beat the ever-loving-sweet crap out of them!

Meatwad:
That one's fake... [Meatwad proceeds to roll down the vomit-encrusted hallway, pointing out which is fake vomit and which is real vomit]

Master Shake:
Seems like there's a lot more real than fake down here...

Frylock:
Will you shut the fuck up and vacuum the hall!

Master Shake:
...okay...

Master Shake:
I'm making a mojito. Everyone... who would like a mojito.

Frylock:
You know we only have one glass, Shake. Keep you nasty mouth off of it, okay? Save it for our guests....for..them to..share.

Master Shake:
Someone wants a knife fight. Someone I'm looking at.

Frylock:
You sincerely mean that?

Master Shake:
Maybe I do. I just don't like the way you boss me.

Frylock:
You just calm down, all right? And don't say something like that in front of my friends.

Carl:
All right, this ain't happening. I'll see you fruits later.

Master Shake:
Wawaa... wawaa... wait, wait, my wingman! C'mon! One of them is a WOMAN.

Carl:
You poke around and figure it out. I have standards!

Tammy Tangerine:
Right, Bert? Remember that Bert? Bert! Remember how hard you would hit me?

Bert Banana:
As hard as I could, as long as I could. Frankly, all the hitting drained me. I had to go to the hospital and have my hands replaced. I was too high, too out of my mind to know I had ruined my hands hitting her. But those days are over. No crack for me. No beating my fiancé. No strangling drifters for sex. No! No more. 'Cause JESUS lives in my heart. Yaaay... Jesus!

Bert Banana:
Interesting, interesting. Tell me this: have you read King Kong?

Frylock:
Uh, no.

Bert Banana:
You have, okay, and you believe THAT don't you? But before you answer me, I just...uh... you know what? Go ahead and pour me a little bit of a full glass of that rum.

Mortimer Mango:
Bert, you've been sober for 47 straight days (pouring rum down the sink)

Frylock:
Hey, dammit, that's my rum! You don't have to pour it down the sink, man!

Mortimer Mango:
We're going to do it together. Right, Bert?

Bert Banana:
You don't have a monkey wrench, do you?

Tammy Tangerine:
Bert, I know what you're thinking and...

Bert Banana:
What, I'm not going to dismantle the pipes and drink from the U-trap. I mean, that's what an animal does! (Mortimer turns on faucet)

Bert Banana:
Dammit, Mortimer, you're diluting it!

Bert Banana:
Get out of my way, you orange whore! (throws Tammy Tangerine)

Frylock (to Mortimer):
Hold that thought.

Bert Banana:
Stupid! Someone unscrew these pipes or I will shoot myself tonight! I will do it this time!

Tammy Tangerine:
No, honey, don't!

Mortimer Mango (to Frylock):
Don't worry. This is... this happens... a lot. And I have his gun.

Bert Banana:
Son of a... dammit!

Tammy Tangerine:
No, honey, don't!

Bert Banana:
Useless... surgically attached... banana hands!

Tammy Tangerine (to Frylock):
I'm so sorry. We're not normally not like this.

Bert Banana:
Okay. All right I see and now you want sex with the fries. Is that it? Yeah, tell him some more lies! That's what you're good at! Lies from the wolf!

Tammy Tangerine:
I'm sorry, Bert.

Bert Banana:
Yes, you are... a sorry sack of tangerine bitch. Go do him! I'll watch! Do it before thine eyes!

Tammy Tangerine:
Oh, Bert, please don't hit me!

Bert Banana:
Then get the liquor faster.

Frylock:
Well, ya'll make yourself at home. I need to go get some uh...

Bert Banana:
Son of a... damn it!

Frylock:
Ah, fuck it. I just need to go.

Bert Banana:
Come on, give me just a little bit of that booger sugar.

Tammy Tangerine:
Bert, no.

Bert Banana:
I'll make you feel real good with my mouth.

Tammy Tangerine:
Bert, calm down, Bert...

Bert Banana:
I will not calm down until cocaine enters my system!

Mortimer Mango:
Bert, you don't want to do this right now. This is not...

Bert Banana:
Do you have some?

Mortimer Mango:
No.

Bert Banana:
You have some, don't you?

Mortimer Mango:
It is the Devil.

Bert Banana:
You do.

Mortimer Mango:
Bert.

Bert Banana:
You have, you've had, you've had some this whole time.

Mortimer Mango:
I have not touched cocaine in three years.

Bert Banana:
YOU LIAR! I will drag you right into my private hell, you don't wanna know my pain. I HAVE A DEMON INSIDE OF MEEEE!!

Mortimer Mango (to Frylock):
Oh, good, you're still here. So... um, wow. So before you mentioned you were into science.

Frylock:
Yeah, man.

Mortimer Mango:
Yeah, that must be a fun job.

Frylock:
Look, I don't have any cocaine.

Mortimer Mango:
I was not going to ask you for cocaine, sir.

Frylock:
Good. Then I don't have to answer it.

Mortimer Mango:
Well I used to be an addict. I mean it was terrible. Do you see this? (shows missing fingers) I was building a birdhouse on drugs and I lost two fingers. I feverishly wanted to finish it and I wasn't making sound decisions.

Frylock:
Remember my roommate, the cup you met earlier? He's filled with crystal meth.

Mortimer Mango:
Oh, cool. Thanks.

Mortimer Mango (pulls out a pistol):
Everybody split up! We have to find the cup! The cup has the drugs!

Tammy Tangerine:
The cup?!

Bert Banana:
The cup?!

Mortimer Mango:
There's crystal meth in the cup!

Tammy Tangerine:
Filled with magic.

Bert Banana:
I saw the cup. It's in the back. Go after it! Get that cup!

Tammy Tangerine:
Get him!

Meatwad (holding wires and sitting on a tire):
All right, so, how do I do it now?

Frylock:
Are you grounded?

Meatwad:
Yep.

Frylock:
Okay, good. Now touch the red wire to the green wire.

Meatwad:
Okay, but what, what about Shake? [In the window, Bert is going after Shake with an axe]

Frylock:
What about him?

Meatwad:
Heh, that's what I said, yo. Ba-ba-boom!

[Meatwad touches the wires together; the house explodes]