Archer, Season 7

[Malory pours Cyril a glass of champagne]

Cyril:
But, I doubt they've got the disc yet. Isn't it a little premature to be celebrating?

Malory:
Who's celebrating? We're out of liquor. But I admit, I'm cautiously optimistic.

Cyril:
Because out here you can buy liquor at the grocery store?

Malory:
Literally the only thing about Los Angeles that doesn't make me want to vomit.

[Alan shoots]

Alan:
Ah!

[Alan shoots]

Alan:
Ah!

[Alan shoots]

Alan:
Ah!

[Alan shoots]

Alan:
Ah!

[Alan shoots]

Alan:
Ah!

[Alan shoots]

Alan:
Ah!

[Alan shoots]

Alan:
Ah!

[Alan shoots]

Alan:
Ah!

Archer:
Guys, come on, what's going on here?

Malory:
I was just explaining some basic tenets of fieldcraft to these three.

Archer:
Yeah, you gotta blend, but I meant what's going on hors d'oeuvre-wise?

Pam:
Wouldn't you like to...

Malory:
Ahem. Blend.

Pam:
[each presenting platters] This is a deconstructed slider made from certified Kobe beef from Hyogo prefecture, with a tarragon aioli.

Ray:
Tapas of pata negra jamon iberica, topped with queso Torta del Casar.

Cyril:
And these are tiny quiches, probably made from endangered quail eggs, or...

Archer:
No, none of this is that. [Takes one from each platter and puts them together] This is the world's most expensive Mc10:35.

Archer:
Because you said we were on a break!

Lana:
So two days later your cock's wet?

Archer:
[scoffs] Oh, I'm sorry, Lana, is there a grace period? Because...

[they begin arguing over each other]

Lana:
There is an acceptable amount of time...

Archer:
...if there is, you neglected to tell me about it...

Lana:
...before you start cramming your trash dick...

Archer:
...but I guess that's par for the course with you...

Lana:
...into every woman unlucky enough to walk by with...

Archer:
...because you never bother to consult with me on... Sterling Archer,

Lana:
anything!

Archer:
And for your information, this stupid break wasn't my idea, it was yours!

Lana:
Because you, prolapsed rectum that you are, are infatuated with Veronica Deane, whose cobwebby old snooch, by the way... [looking at Archer's crotch] I can smell from here!

Archer:
[chuckling] Well, it's not cobwebby anymore.

[Archer drinks directly from the champagne bottle he had been holding in front of his exposed privates. Lana attacks him]

Malory:
And what the hell are you wearing?

Archer:
I think, technically, it's a... loincloth?

[pause]

Archer:
Fashioned out of a baby-doll nightie.

[Malory lifts a finger to say something, then lets out a sigh]

Archer:
Well, sorry, Mother. I didn't know I was going to a funeral.

[pauses]

Archer:
[looks to Lana] I would've worn a black one.

[everyone gives him a stern look except Lana, who closes her eyes and shakes her head]

[chatter on police radio]

Harris:
Well, what do you think?

Deitrich:
I think that in my next life I'm gonna come back as a movie star.

Harris:
Yeah, Look out, gay porn.

Deitrich:
Rim shot.

Harris:
Yeah, that could be your name. So what, some movie star lives here?

Deitrich:
Yes, Veronica Deane. Don-don't you remember? She's a person of interest in the other murder we're working.

Harris:
No shit.

Deitrich:
Wait, what are you—? We were just questioning her ten hours ago! He was her alibi.

Harris:
You like her?

Deitrich:
As an actress, or for this homicide?

Harris:
Both.

Deitrich:
Loved her in Shanghai Moon.

Harris:
Oh, my God, that dress?

Deitrich:
Right? But as for Tennessee Tuxedo here, I want to talk to her. See if she knows who tried to weight him down... with an ounce of lead. Found it on the ground, over there, by the table.

Harris:
Is it hers?

Deitrich:
Hard to tell with no serial number.

Harris:
Yeah, probably why they put them on there.

Deitrich:
Rim shot.

Harris:
Hey, you should ask Veronica Deane if her agent reps gay porn stars.

Deitrich:
And maybe if she murdered this guy.

Harris:
Huh, you've got a real knack for this.

Deitrich:
Rim Schott.

Harris:
How was that funny?

Deitrich:
No, as my gay porn name. Not bad.