Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 3

[On finding Wayne didn't show up]

Oz:
I'm amazed the rest of you turned up.

Moxey:
We were hoping there was a will.

Oz:
There was no Good about 'The Good Old Days' was there?

Oz:
The Middlesborough Transporter Bridge. Designed by the Cleveland Bridge and Engineering Company of Darlington and opened, on October 17th 1911, by Prince Arthur of Connaught.

Dennis:
What's our next stop? A guided tour of the Haverton Hill glue factory?

Oz:
Now, as you can see, there's great tracts of land on both sides of the river just ripe for development. There's a big consortium already on the case, the only obstacle is this famous local landmark here. Now that's where we fit in, cos we're gonna pull it down and flog it for a fortune.

[When Oz says he's living sober]

Dennis:
What, you don't touch the sauce?

Oz:
Well, comparitively sober.

Neville:
You mean your drinking's not harmfull to humanity anymore.

Neville:
This whole area used to be pit villages, man; everyone worked for the colliery. You know what they do now?

Dennis:
What?

Neville:
All the men wear hair nets and pack airline meals. Everything's changed Dennis, deal with it.

Neville:
But it's monstrous, man!

Oz:
Yes, it's monstrous Neville, it gargantuan, it's outrageous…that's the point!

[The group see Jeffrey Granger for the first time on TV]

Dennis:
So where'd you meet this wanker?

Oz:
I was two'd-up with him in Durham Nick.

Moxey:
I hear they do a good breakfast up there.

Neville:
Realistically, how much is it going to cost us all?

Barry:
Ten grand each. Plus change.

Moxey:
I haven't even got the plus change.

Dennis:
Every Tuesday and Friday, I drive a drug dealer round the housing estates and the shopping centres. Why would I do that, eh? Because it's my biggest payday of the week. The rest of the time I work the Graveyard Shift, y'know? "Bigger tips at night" even though you've got to clean up after blow-jobs and drunks. If I had Ten Thousand Pounds, d'you think that would be my life?

[Oz punches drug dealer Tommy Rampton]

Bomber:
I see the old Oz is still with us.

Oz:
Well, he has to appear every once in a while Bomb, or else people might think I'm Cliff Richard.

Oz:
Grainger's consortium put this job out to tender, high-tech civil engineering companies. Well, all them overehads: bringing in cranes from the continent and what-have-ya, the lowest quote they got was 2 million nicker.

Dennis:
Well we're Way below that! Can we do it?

Oz:
Yes, we can do it because We are lo-tech. We're gonna pull it down the same way as they put it up 90 years ago...with pulleys and chains and sweat and toil….

Yorgo:
Your friend…he thinks with his head.

Oz:
Oh yes…and what does your friend think with? His bollocks?!!

Brenda:
Now, what are the words we don't use?

Neville:
I'm broke, I'm stressed, I'm depressed, I'm too old.

Brenda:
Right.

Brenda:
I fixed Debbie's party, taken the back room at Guido's, we can have a disco and everything.

Neville:
That's gonna cost, isn't it?

Brenda:
Hello….what were we just saying?!!

Neville:
Fine, fine…champagne, limousines, ecstasy…whatever!

[The lads are having dinner at Oz's house. Oz is offering wine.]

Oz:
Right, who's for a bit more Romanian Red?

Bomber:
No thanks Oz, dodgy stomach.

Moxey:
It's probably this wine. I'll be glad when I've had enough.

Neville :
I've been seeing a shrink…funny thing is I could do it with her no problem.

Oz:
Can you not think of her while you're shagging Brenda?

Neville :
Aww, I knew I shouldn't have mentioned this.

Oz:
Make a hell of a good way of getting your money out of a sex therapist.

[Barry snorts what he thinks is cocaine]

Barry:
Aww, where do you get this stuff?

Tatiana:
Boots. It's my herbal laxative.

Barry:
Bloody hell. I'll have a runny nose for days.

[Oz tells Dennis he saw Tatiana and Kadi kissing]

Dennis:
I take it this wasn't a brotherly kiss?

Oz:
Maybe if you're from Kentucky.

[Bomber hears that Barry's wife is cheating on him]

Bomber:
Oh dear oh dear. Who with?

Dennis:
Her brother.

Bomber:
Except for certain parts of Shropshire, that's illegal isn't it?

Dennis:
Why did you not bring it up with him?

Oz:
How do you tell a man his wife is having it away with her brother?

Oz:
If this goes pear shaped, what am I going to do with a bridge?

[Moxey is told to lie low in the motel low for a while]

Dennis:
It's got a vending machine full of Mars Bars, Sky One, UK Gold - for somebody like you, that's luxury!

Moxey:
You've got a point there, Den.

Wyman:
Does my skin bother you?!

Oz:
Divvn't be daft man, my team play in black and white, divvn't they?! I've just got a thing about Cockneys.

[The lads are in the van driving to see Oz's son's show]

Wyman:
I can usually suss I bloke's musical tastes, me.

Oz:
Haddaway and bollocks, you've only known me for five bloody minutes lad. There's no way you can tell what I like to listen to.

Neville:
No, alright have a go!

Wyman:
Ok, I will, alright alright…Early Stones, The Clash, Clapton, and a sprinkling of C and W.

All:
[Jeers]

Dennis:
Ha ha, not far off the mark there!

Oz:
He's been in my gaffe, he's been right through my CDs!

Wyman:
No I haven't mate, no I haven't. Alright then - Dennis.

Dennis:
Aye, go on then.

Wyman:
Otis Redding, Aretha

Oz:
Aretha?

Wyman:
Aretha, Marvin Gaye…and you've got a soft spot for Rod Stewart, but only when you're at the karaoke pissed!

Dennis:
Aye, I can't argue with that young'an!

Bomber:
What about me?

Wyman:
Easy, you're easy. Abba and Acker Bilk.

Dennis:
What about Neville?

Wyman:
Morose music I reckon.

Neville:
Get away!

Wyman:
Yeah, morose music…The Smiths, The Cult, Depeche Mode…music to slit your wrist by!

Neville:
That's not me at all!

Oz:
No, nooo…these days Neville likes to watch Destiny's Child videos!

[In Rod's dressing room following his Dusty Springfield performance]

Oz:
That's all it is though - an act? It doesn't mean to say that you're...

Rod:
Gay?

Oz:
Yeah, it doesn't mean to say that you're gay.

Rod:
I am gay.

Oz:
Hells Bollocks. Well is it permanent?

[The lads are in the van driving home, Oz in a touchy mood]

Oz:
He's not gay. He thinks he is, but he's not.

Neville:
Well, it's just like exhibitionism, isn't it? Like a cry for attention.

Oz:
Exactly.

Bomber:
Would it matter if he was?

Oz:
Well it would to me!

Wyman:
Well even if he is…

Oz:
He's not! He can't be! There's never been a huckle in the Osbourne family and we can trace our lineage all the way back to the Second World War. Now, end of subject. Right?

All:
Right, aye.

Neville:
Of course.

Oz:
It's always been the tunnel, not the funnel.

[Oz meets Jeffrey's assistant in her hotel]

Oz:
Well I suppose we could have a bite, I've got my tie on so I can get past Saddam Hussein on the door there.

Sarah:
We could...not fussed...[leans over the table]...we could just have a couple of drinks...and go to bed.

Oz:
(jaw drops) Could we have another bowl of twiglets first?

[Oz tries to accept his son's sexuality]

Oz:
I was just flabbergasted, that's all you know, I mean I've got nothing against gays son. It's just that, well, I was brought up to believe that dickie-up-the-chufter is abnormal and vile. Ah, that came out wrong didn't it…shite…sorry again.

[Rod deals with a couple of thugs after the last show]

Oz:
Canny left hook, son!

Rod:
Aye. Not bad for a poofter, eh?

[A Red Indian arrives to buy the bridge after Oz put it up for sale on the Internet…]

Joe:
My grandson saw it. He's always on a computer.

Moxey:
Unbelievable! I mean, where do you plug in a computer in a wigwam?

Dennis:
Moxey.

Moxey:
Yeah?

Dennis:
Shut up!

Bomber:
I did hear right, did I? I thought I heard the word 'million'!

All:
Yeah!

Dennis:
You did aye. Mind you, we'll have to take into account transportation and erection costs.

Neville:
I'm getting an erection just thinking about it!

Oz:
Better get it home to Brenda A.S.A.P.!

[Kadi and Tatiana discuss Barry's suspicions (speaking Russian)]

Tatiana:
If he goes to the police…

Kadi:
Maybe we should kill him. Then you get the house, the business…everything…

Tatiana:
Kill him? How?

Kadi:
Make it look like an accident…a car goes off the road…

Tatiana:
Not the Bentley!

[Jeffrey on the phone to Sarah, unaware Oz is there with her]

Sarah:
Anyway, I don't know the numbers, but they're going to make you an offer.

Jeffrey:
Ah!

[Oz gestures a back-hander]

Sarah:
Oz did say if you were a bungable person..

Jeffrey:
Vulnerable?

Sarah:
No, bungable, from the verb to bung, to offer an illegal or illicit payment.

Jeffrey:
Yes yes I'm with you, I'm pissed off he seems I can consider it. Cash was it?

[The lads argue over their next move]

Oz:
Hold on, excuse me, but the facts are these. I conjured up that Red Indian oot of cyberspace and I've got Grangier primed and ready to jump, yes?

Barry:
I think we should all calm down, alright. I've always found in business there's a very fine line between altruism and self-interest. So why don't we all sleep on it, eh?

Oz:
(storming out) You sleep on it, you end up bastard and skint.

[Oz and Dennis are questioning Barry about the facts of his marriage]

Barry:
Look, I'm getting very pissed off with the tone of this interrogation!

[Barry tells Tatiana he wants a divorce]

Tatiana:
Barry, let's talk about this alone, just you and me.

Moxey:
No way kidda! Steal yourself, remember Godfather II…you know, when Diane Keaton begs Al Pacino not to lock her out of his life. And what did he do? Closed the bloody kitchen door on her!

Dennis:
You know that dismantling sequence you showed us? What do you call it, you know, when it's the other way round? You know, when you put the bridge back up again?

Calhoun:
An erection sequence…[Moxey sn*ggers]…no jokes please, I've heard them all.

Dennis:
Well could you do us one? We'll pay you like.

Calhoun:
What are yous up to?

Dennis:
Nowt, nowt, nowt important.

Moxey:
Nothing.

Calhoun:
How would you be paying?

Moxey:
Cash.

[Moxey throws a wad of notes to Calhoun]

Calhoun:
Where did you get this?

Moxey:
I sold my cello.

[Back in a hut, Barry as miserable as sin]

Oz:
Hey Barry, you know what? If this was Big Brother, you'd be the first one oot that door!

Barry:
I should be so lucky..

D.I.:
Who was he?

Mickey Startup:
Goes by the name of Moxey. And he was working for those people who were pulling that bridge down in Middlesbrough.

D.I.:
First name?

Mickey Startup:
Never had one. Just Moxey. Like Moby. Or Mantovani.

[News comes through of Teddy Platt's body being fished out of the Tees]

Moxey:
Yous all think I'm a murderer?

Dennis:
Oz doesn't mean that. He's just playing Devil's Advocate.

Moxey:
I've never hurt anyone in my life. I've just set fire to buildings. And I've always made sure they were empty…except that once. And I didn't know the bloke had chickens!

[Barry on the phone to his attorney]

Attorney:
I got the testimony back from the UK. It's all good. Local cops confirm this guy Kadi's a piece of work and spoke very highly of you…Inspector Colin Bishop…

Barry:
Colin, yeah?

Attorney:
Yeah, "No way you're a bad guy, you're just a radish who got rich." I'm not familiar with the expression?

Barry:
I've heard it before.

Attorney:
Barry, you know I'm going to bat for you. We'll speak Friday.

Barry:
Bye.

Neville:
What is it?

Bomber:
Yeah, what?

Barry:
I don't believe it. Colin Bishop. I've known him for years. We've played golf together. He's had dinner in my house on more than one occasion…and he calls me a radish!

Neville:
Barry man!

Oz:
We're not bothered about that man!

Dennis:
Barry man, what about the charges?!

Barry:
What?

Dennis:
What about the charges man?!

Barry:
Oh you'll probably be free and clear. I'm the one who's going to fall on his sword…[angrily to Oz] ever since your funeral, my life's been unravelling like a ball of knitting wool!

[Bomber acting out every word to the Medicine Man]

Bomber:
I come from distant land. Faraway. Over great ocean. Fly through the sky, in big plane.

Medicine Man:
Boeing 747?

'[Oz forces Wyman to listen to Dire Straits]

'Oz:
Now isn't that infinitely better than all that der-chicker-der shite you're normally listening to?

Wyman:
Yeah, I've got to admit, it's growing on me.

Oz:
That's because it's timeless kid. They'll not be playing Atomic Kitten in 20 years time.

[Barry drunk in the bar]

Barry:
You like the ladies don't you Neville?

Neville:
No more than most.

Barry:
Awww, I think you do, nothing wrong with that, the trouble is as you get older you become horribly aware of all the young flesh will never be yours. I mean, when you're young anything's possible innit? Anything? But when you get to our age, you know you're never going to bonk Buffy The Vampire Slayer

[Oz, Dennis and Neville stop off at the Chicken Ranch on the way to Las Vegas]

Neville:
You an' all?

Dennis:
Well why not man? We've worked our nuts off for three months. Anyway, it's a tourist attraction in the state.

Oz:
Aye, that's right. People come here for a flutter and a show and a shag. I mean if you went to Venice you'd ride a gondola wouldn't yer?!

[Neville revisits the Chicken_Ranch to pick up his mobile, while Dennis ends a call off Bomber in the car]

Oz:
That's Neville's phone…

Dennis:
So?

Oz:
He didn't forget it.

Dennis:
Oh God…

Dennis & Oz:
He's in love with a tart!

[Oz finds Wyman concussed]

Oz:
[holding four fingers up] How many fingers?

Wyman:
Three.

Oz:
Three, Mmmher, near enough.

[DEA interview room, Barry takes a polygraph test]

DEA officer:
You were born in Birming-Ham.

Barry:
Birmingham! We say, yes!

DEA officer:
Ever taken drugs, Mr. Taylor?

Barry:
No...[lie detector responds strongly]...well er, could I qualify that? Erm, when I say no, I mean I I I I, I have had the occasional line of Charlie during a party, you know, and erm, but churr, er, well, haven't we all? [chuckles]. Oh yes and there was, I did er have a toke on a spliff at the Reading Rock Festival, but I'd hardly say I was a regular user.

DEA officer:
Yes or no?

Barry:
[dejectedly] Yes.

[Dennis makes an offer to Jeffrey who has stolen part of the bridge]

Jeffrey:
No, you'll have to do better than this. I am, after all, the hand that rocks the cradle.

[Oz and Moxey are messing about on a bike, Barry stressed about his polygraph test]

Moxey:
Some exercise wouldn't do you any harm.

Barry:
You wouldn't get me on a bike, that's the last form of exercise I'd take. Cycling damages your sexual organs.

Oz:
Bollocks!

Barry:
Precisely, no I read this research report. Right, they use ultrasound scans to examine the testicles of 45 mountain bikers and they compared them with 39 sets of testicles of non-riders, and all but two of the cyclists had scrrrrotal abnormalities.

Moxey:
He knows a lot of stuff, Barry.

Oz:
Aye, all of it useless. [Moxey and Oz simultaneously feel their testicles]

Jeffrey:
They tried to get one over me...don't like that - there's a principle involved.

Sarah:
You don't have any principles Jeffrey, you're a conceited narcissistic phoney and a total shit.

Jeffrey:
I'm going to fire you for that comment.

Sarah:
I've already quit.

Oz:
We're gonna set a honey-trap lads, get Granger in a sexually compromising position.

Bomber:
How are we going to do that?

Oz:
Well, Nev's got a fantastic in at the brothel hasn't he, he's almost got a season ticket doon there... so we'll get his lass, Kelly-Anne, to set it up, right, get Granger in a bubble bath with two or three tarts doing unspeakables to 'em...

Neville:
Every chance you get, you drag her into the conversation, don't yer, just so you can slag her off, why don't you keep your face out of my life! [storms out]

Oz:
Well I still think it's a canny idea!

[Moxey finds out he's in the clear]

Moxey:
What about the Liverpool Police?

D.I. Hateley:
They love you!

Moxey:
You what?!

D.I. Hateley:
You gave all that stuff that nailed Mickey Startup.

Moxey:
Oh that's great. Oh, that is a relief. And they can't prove I took any cash....which I didn't! Well, I might have...but it all went to a good cause!

Moxey:
Coffee? Pizza? Why aren't I in a dark room getting hurt?

Detective:
This isn't a pull, Moxey. Although I see from your file you've got a bit of previous. Three convictions for arson.

Moxey:
If this is about a fire, I didn't do. I've been going to Arsonists Anonymous.

Neville:
But it’s monstrous, man!

Oz:
Yes, it’s monstrous Neville, it gargantuan, it’s outrageous…that’s the point!

[Oz discusses the problem of keeping the new workforce happy]

Dennis:
: Well, we just have to make sure that they stay on their own side of the River, that's all.

Oz:
: Well, that's easy enough.

Oz:
: We're going to have the Kosovans support the Boro

Oz:
: And the Serbs can support Hartlepool United.

Neville :
Let's hope they never meet in the Cup!