Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Series 4

[In a meeting at the O.E.D.]

Colin Vanes:
Well there's no question mark over your experience, but the nature of who we are and what we do means that we go into extensive background vetting.

Dennis:
And what does that entail?

Colin Vanes:
Well we have to be sure that our people are never in a position where they can be compromised or blackmailed, so we're extremely thorough on security clearances.

[Dennis looks at Oz]

Oz:
Well, er, you're gonna find this out sooner or later so you might as well know it up front like.

Colin Vanes:
And what's that Mr. Osbourne?

Oz:
I've got a son what's a poof.

[Leaving the OED]

Dennis:
I thought you were gonna tell him you've been inside man?!!

Oz:
Why would I bring that up?

[Neville signs the Official Secrets Act]

Neville:
Do I need any special training or anything?

Heather Lane:
Neville, you're not Pierce Brosnan

[Tatiana and Barry reunited in Russia]

Tatiana:
You look like shit, Barry

Barry:
Yes well I've been held against my will and interrogated with all the mental anguish that implies…you look rather fetching.

[Moxey - on the run again - is picked up by Oz]

Oz:
What's the panic? I was in the middle of a dump when you called.

[Barry confides in his psychiatrist]

Barry:
My mind was a whirlwind of conflicting emotions…just seeing her there…confusion, anger, regret, bitterness, and I have to admit, yes there were sexual stirrings; she was wearing these skintight boots that came just below the knee, miniskirt, and there was a flash of thigh in evidence. The perfume…Issey Miyake, I should know, I bought her gallons of it! You see I've missed our sessions being in Russia. I've felt naked because I'd lost the tools, the coping tools to help me. I know you're going to say that I was retreating back into my co-dependency tendencies. It's true, I just wanted to take her in my arms and forgive her and buy her something nice from Versace.

Heather Lane:
It's Heather. Double-O Geordie's becoming a pain in the arse.

[Oz jumps on a plane after being refused to join the team]

Purser:
Mr. Osbourne

Oz:
Yes.

Purser:
I wonder if you could follow me. Bring your personal effects.

Oz:
Upgrade is it?

Purser:
If you'd just come with these gentlemen.

Oz:
What's up like? I've not been smokin' in yer bog. I didn't check a bag on so you couldn't of found a bomb in it.

Purser:
We don't want to alarm the other passengers, do we Sir?

Oz:
Well I'm not a bloody terrorist. My name's Osbourne not Osama.

Suit:
Don't make us use force, Sir.

Oz:
Force? I'll show you a bit of force, son.

[Oz elbows Suit in nose, as passengers gasp in horror]

Purser:
You made the list, Mr. Osbourne.

Oz:
What bloody list? The 10 most wanted?

Purser:
The O.E.D.

Oz:
With my mates?

Purser:
You're going to Cuba.

Oz:
Aww. Well why didn't you say so. Sorry pal. Well, bugger Bangkok. Ha'way Havana!

Oz:
All I know Den, is that when you had a choice of either knocking this job back or cutting me adrift, you were "thinking it over"?

Dennis:
Is this going in your grudge bank, Oz? Because I'm your oldest friend.

Oz:
That's why I didn't expect it Den.

[Oz is bearing a grudge, Dennis tries to resolve it]

Dennis:
D'you remember when we first met?

Oz:
Nah.

Dennis:
It was on that housing estate in Cramlington.

Oz:
It was Bedlington, actually.

Dennis:
Oh, so you do remember?

Oz:
Well, vaguely.

Dennis:
You turned up on spec, right? Looking for a job and the foreman was away. So I hired you. When he came back, he was gonna give you the sack.

Oz:
Was he?

Dennis:
Yeah.

Oz:
Why?

Dennis:
Your mouth mostly. Also, you tried to chin him; that might have had something to do with it! And I stood up for you, right, I said this Oz might be a bit of a lunatic. But he lays more bricks in three days than most of us do in five

Oz:
Well, that's true.

Dennis:
That's not what I'm talking about, man! Then the German gig came up, right, I spent three days traipsing every pub in Wallsend looking for your arse.

Oz:
So, what are you trying to tell us, like? That I owe this glittering career to you?

Dennis:
No. I'm saying that I've always wanted you on my team!

Neville:
Where's Oz?

Barry:
The ballet.

Moxey:
Well who do you miss?

Oz:
Well me son for one. I missed a lot of him growing up. Fortunately that included the moment he started putting his key in the back door, so to speak.

Oz:
You had no right to lumber us with this!

Dennis:
I'm not trying to score brownie points with the Embassy, it's all part and parcel of the job, right?! Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. And some days we pick up bloody bath tubs!

[On the journey to pick up the bath]

Moxey:
Right! Let's play Road Kill Cricket!

Bomber:
How's that work?

Moxey:
Anything dead your side of the road you score runs, anything their side they do!

Neville:
How do you mean runs?

Moxey:
One for each leg: a dead chicken's worth two, that goat would have been four if we'd started.

Wyman:
So a centipede's a ton, right?

Moxey:
No insects! You're being silly now Wyman.

Wyman:
Oh, forgive me.

Oz:
What about a snake?

Moxey:
That's a tricky one Oz, it doesn't have any legs but it is an animal so it should qualify…

[The road back to Havana is blocked by a broken down hearse]

Oz:
Well the stiff's on this side of the road so that's two runs to us, yes?

Moxey:
True!

[The guys are obliged to help with the coffin]

Wyman:
It weighs a ton!

Bomber:
We'll have to help them offload it at the other end.

Oz:
What now we're bloody pallbearers!

Moxey:
Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. Some days we cart Cuban coffins. All part and parcel, Den says.

Dennis:
Moxey!

Moxey:
What?

Dennis:
Bollocks!

[Barry guards the bath and is approached by two local kids]

Barry:
I know what you're thinking... what's this Gringo doing sitting in a bath, next to a hearse, in the middle of nowhere, reading Hemingway? Well I'd ask the same question if I was in your shoes... that's if you had any.

[Barry is approached by three local men]

Barry:
Buenos dias!

Local:
[in Spanish] What's this Gringo doing sitting in a bath, next to a hearse, in the middle of nowhere, reading Hemingway?

Barry:
Hemingway, si, Ernest, yes. Yes it's a good book actually, er it's set here, do you know it? Ah, erm, hablo Anglais? ...no oh that's a pity, only my Spanio is a bit poko, a bit inadequate actually…yeah….Now don't you go getting any ideas about this will you gentlemen, it's el bath Fidel Castro, presenté pour Anglais ambassadoro. So if you're thinking of nicking it you're gonna end up in very hot water actually, oh yes, mucho caliente agua. Haha. [guys move forward] Oh shit…

[Neville's first mission]

Neville:
How am I supposed to get to know him?! He's not gay is he?

Tarquin:
No no, staright as a tent pole. He likes girls, bars, technopop. Annnd he's passionate about Manchester United. Apparently several million Chinese are.

Neville:
How's that supposed to help?

Tarquin:
You're a footballer.

Neville:
Not Man U I'm not!

Tarquin:
You are now.

Neville:
Aww no, no, ha'way, forget it. I'm from Newcastle man! That's like asking me to change us religion!

Tarquin:
Small price to pay for Queen and country. Here you might need this. [hands Neville a United shirt printed with Giggs]

Barry:
You've got it bad, haven't you?

Oz:
Aye, aye, I've never known nowt like this before. When I see her, I get all tongue-tied. Me! Shivers doon me neck and sweaty palms.

Barry:
Well these symptoms you describe could be one of two things: it's either that Mongolian flu that was going around last year...orrrr...you're in love.

Oz:
Well, let's hope it's the flu, eh? you can get a jab for that.

Neville:
Look I've gotta go. You'll be okay will you?

Dennis:
Me, aye, I'm just gonna have a night in front of the telly. If we had a telly.

[Neville reveals his Man United shirt]

Neville:
Forgive me Sir Bobby, for I have sinned.

Dennis:
Where's everybody else?

Wyman:
I dunno, they went off somewhere.

Dennis:
There seems to be a concerted effort around here to avoid me, eh, I'm not middle-management you know!

Wyman:
Not from me, Den! I'd go out with you in a flash, only Tina's got nicer knockers.

Barry:
I went to a séance in Edgbaston once. I tried to contact my Granny.

Dennis:
Why?

Barry:
Well we wanted to find out where she'd left the key to this old trunk in the attic. Cor blimey, I couldn't get out there quick enough mate, teacups and saucers flying all over the place. I drove into a concrete litter bin on the home.

[Neville gets talking to his oriental buddies]

Michael:
Hey, where were you that night?

Neville:
What night?

Michael:
That night!

Michael's friend:
The night! The night!

Neville:
That night?! Oh, what a night!

Girl:
What happened that night?

Michael:
We beat Bayern Munich in Barcelona!

Neville:
Ayeeeee, the two jammy goals in stoppage time

Michael:
Jammy? I don't know that word

Neville:
It means brilliant.

Michael:
Oh right okay! We win the triple. It was a jammy evening, the climax of a jammy season! Ah, salut!

All:
Salut!

[Barry drives the lads home after the evening with the cult]

Barry:
I love the traffic lights here. I love the way they sparkle and glitter like a kaleidoscope of colours.

Oz:
There's no traffic lights in this street, Barry.

Barry:
Yes there are! Green, gold, turquoise, blue, I love the butterflies too!

Bomber:
There's no ruddy butterflies!

Barry:
There's millions of them! There wings sparkling with innerdescence.

Oz:
Wait a minute, did you eat anything back there? Awwww, his trippin', his trippin'!

Barry:
Aw look, there's one settled on my nose!

Oz:
Give us the wheel! Give us the wheel!!

Tarquin:
Call him, tell him you'll drop round his flat for drinks. Put these in his Vodka Martini.

Neville:
What will they do?!

Tarquin:
Put him to sleep. It's a date rape drug. He'll be out for a couple of hours.

Neville:
And then what?!

Tarquin:
Find the package. You take it to the door of the apartment building, Felipe will be there to make a copy. You take the original back to the flat, wait for him to wake up, and then go out and get drunk or laid...or whatever the pair of you do.

Neville:
At home on a Sunday night, Brenda orders in a pizza and we watch Songs of Praise.

[Chrissie visits Barry in jail]

Chrissie:
Hello Barry. The boys have told me so much about you. Now, you're in their thoughts and it's only a question of time. I brought a few things the stewards on the boat put together, some salami, couple of tins of sardines, some Parma Ham, figs, a few tangerines, and a nice piece of cheese. ....Oh no don't worry about the guards, I brought a few items for them and a whole carton of Marlborough, so they're squared anyway. Now I know you're going through hell Barry, but you're not alone and you're not forgotten, and when I leave this island, a whole lot more people will know about you including The Red Cross and Amnesty International.

Barry:
Who are you?

[Chrissie and Dennis get it on]

Chrissie:
Were the lads taking bets....on whether this would happen?

Dennis:
Course not! Well probably,

Chrissie:
And what odds did you give yourself?

Dennis:
Well whatever they were, they've just narrowed.

[Neville realises he's been used by Tarquin]

Neville:
I used to think that life was simple, get up, go to work, make a few modest gains for your family, you knew who you were, who you're friends were. Life's not like that, is it? It's complex and devious.

[Oz plans to take Ofelia back to England]

Bomber:
Well saying you do get her back to the North-East, well how do you think that will work then?

Oz:
What do you mean?

Bomber:
Well it's a bit of a culture shock isn't it?

Oz:
Oh, I'll adjust quick enough man!

Dennis:
Seriously man, look at all these South American football players, they've signed for the Premier League and one minute it's sunshine and samba, next minute...it's Middlesbrough!

[Ofelia wants to rebel]

Ofelia:
Yes I can! These stupid people telling me who I can't be with!

Oz:
You've got some bollocks pet, I'll give you that. When you're up on that stage you know, dancing, you look so...fragile. But really, you're made out of tungsten.

Ofelia:
Que?!

[Oz realises the plan was a bit reckless]

Oz:
Well can't expect the lassie just to up sticks like that man, even if the ultimate prize is Newcastle.

[Wyman finds out the plan was Chrissie's idea]

Wyman:
Why didn't you talk her out of it?

Dennis:
Well she didn't tell us till 4 o'clock in the morning!

Wyman:
Oh right, during the wild night of passion, yeah?

Dennis:
Look, it was a personal, private moment between two adult people! Alright?!

Oz:
Fair enough. But I'd be hacked off if you shagged my mother.

[Oz visits Barry in jail]

Barry:
Good to see you mate.

Oz:
Blimey. How are you?

Barry:
I feel like shit. Look like it too, don't I?

Oz:
Well....aye, you do like.

Dennis:
You finish with Ofelia, he comes out the nick, and her brothers got friends in high places, am I connecting the right dots?

Oz:
Didn't have a choice man Den, not after I saw him in that shithole.

Dennis:
It's a hell of a price to pay, man.

Oz:
I'll put it down to experience, eh. That's what you get, when you don't get what you want.

[The lads finally interrogate Neville and force him to tell his secret]

Wyman:
Bloody hell! Neville the spy!

Neville:
I've hated every minute of it, lying to all of you, lying to my wife. I'm not even very good at it. I had to doctor a bloke's drink one night. You know, knock out drops.

Moxey:
Go ay!

Oz:
Hells teeth, That's bloody hardcore!

Neville:
I drank it myself!

[Everyone chuckles to themselves]

Dennis:
Sorry.

Neville:
I'm glad this has happened really, it's been a terrible strain. I'm really glad you did this, really. Thanks.

[Neville breaks down in tears]

Bomber:
Let it all come out Neville, don't hold anything back.

Barry:
I think this is where we should all hug.

Oz:
Dear me, you look like you're bloody sopranos.

Moxey:
Big relief though, ey?

Neville:
Yeah.

Moxey:
I bet you feel like you've just passed a bowling ball.