Awkward, Season 3

Lacey:
Did the condom break? Did you even use one?

Jenna:
No, it was only one time.

Lacey:
It only takes one time.

Jenna:
I wasn’t thinking. I was just caught up…

Lacey:
In the moment. I know. I’ve been there. Don’t be afraid. If you’re pregnant, chances are, you’ll only be nauseous for a month.

Jenna:
Ugh! A month?

Lacey:
Or three, but the delivery happens lickety-split unless it gets caught in your underdeveloped tibs and then it could take much longer. But you only have to sit on a donut pillow for a couple weeks which is totally okay because you probably won’t want to eat solids for a while. It’s hard to poop, but a baby is so amazing... once you get some sleep. God, I think the sleep deprivation was worse than the delivery. I couldn’t see straight for months. I really shouldn’t have been driving with an infant in the car.

Tamara:
Rest in peace, Ricky. You douchebag.

Sadie:
Thank you, but you can stuff this up your ass. I'm not in mourning and what the hell would a fucking penguin do if I was?

Val:
[to Jenna] I'm gonna stop you right there, J. When was the last time you had a nut in your mouth?

Jenna:
It was a good question.

Sadie:
Tell Gingerskank to go fuck herself and then forget I called. I'm fine.

Matty:
My mom was right about one thing. You guys are different kinds of people and I'm your kind.

Sadie:
Can everyone calm the fuck down? Now!

Kevin:
[to Jenna] It doesn't have to make sense to you! It only has to make sense to me! I'm your father.

Jenna:
The morning dig. For my mother, it was the best part of waking up.

Val:
I am an expert at getting men to leave my pad.

Tamara:
Ricky, were you attracted to Sadie's manish appearance because you were gay?

Jenna:
It was Halloween. That special time of year where students everywhere honored the dead by dressing as sluts.

Sadie:
Jenna, I love your costume.

Jenna:
I'm not wearing a costume.

Sadie:
Really? Because you are the best loser I've seen all morning.

Tamara:
You're the shit. So put your hater shades on and black out her vibes.

Val:
Aw, it is so sweet of you to take an interest in the bottom feeders of the social aquarium, but I cannot discuss other student's problems.

Sadie:
[to Clark] Watch it with the 'tude, Twiggy or I will break you in half?

Clark:
With your giant man hands?

Tamara:
No, those are rabid fangirls waiting for you to slip and crack your head. Remember, today's fanclub is tomorrow's console patrol.

Tamara:
You have everything you ever wanted. Why are you trying to sabotage it?

Tamara:
[to Jenna] Stop being so dramastic, Hamilton.

Jenna:
[to Matty] Because you're embarrassing me and I have never embarrassed you.

Matty:
Oh, really? What about the start of sophomore year when everyone thought you tried to kill yourself?

Jenna:
I didn't try to kill myself.

Matty:
I know that now, but I didn't know that then. I thought it was because of me.

Jenna:
You? Why you?

Matty:
Because you had your accident that same day we slept together. How do you think that fucked with my head? You didn't even try to explain it to me. Instead, you obsessively stared at me from a distance for weeks. What was I supposed to think?

Jenna:
You didn't want to be seen with me!

Matty:
Because I was mortified!

Sadie:
[to Jenna] You need to watch it.

Jenna:
Watch what?

Sadie:
Whatever it is that is going on between the two of you. Even though Matty is blind to your treachery, I'm not. I know when something is up and something is definitely up.

Tamara:
This is Bonkey Kong.

Jenna:
[to Ming] The Mafia knows?

Ming:
Is that a rhetorical question? Of course we do! We're magic.

Val:
Nothing to see here! Let’s just put on some music and roll out the snacks! It’s a fucking party, people, so let’s party!

Sadie:
Oh Hameltoe. How you never cease to disappoint.

Jenna:
[to Matty] I can’t go back.

Matty:
Are you breaking up with me?

Jenna:
No, we’re breaking up with each other because this must have happened for a reason and I can’t look at you and wonder if you still see me as the girl you fell in love with before this happened.

Tamara:
I punch the guy one time and you Chris Brown-ify me.

Sadie:
What kind of fucked up, post-apocalyptic world do we live in where Jenna gets to call the shots?

Matty:
That’s why I think we should get back together. I still love you Jenna. I just don’t understand how we could be the way we were, and then shut it all off. So why not start over?

Jenna:
I can’t.

Matty:
If I can, you can.

Jenna:
I can’t.

Matty:
Why not?

Jenna:
Because I don’t want to. I just need a break.

Sadie:
I don’t know what’s worse: living with a budget or living with a bitch.

Lissa:
I’d say the budget, you live with yourself every day.

Sadie:
[to Jenna] Colin is gonna leave you high and dry just like you did with Matty. What goes around comes around and karma’s a bitch.

Jenna:
Is that why you’re broke and homeless?

Ally:
[to Sadie] And you, little bitch, are the best argument for abortion.

Sadie:
Agreed!

Sadie:
Jenna, you have a problem: you’re an asshole.

Lacey:
[to Sadie] Someone wants your advice?

Sadie:
Yes, and here’s a tip for free: That top comes in your size too. We already know your boobs are huge.

Jenna:
[to Matty] Thank you for being my hero.

Matty:
It’s all I ever wanted to be.

Tamara:
Do you think people will know I spelled "president" with a "Z" on purpose? No one’s gonna vote for me if they think I’m a dumbass.

Sadie:
As much as it paints me to say your essay is awesome. I am impressed. It is way more barbaric than anything I could’ve written.

Tamara:
Sometimes my mouth keeps moving before I can even think about what’s coming out of it.

Lacey:
Without the bad days, we can never appreciate the good ones and there are so many good days coming your way. Just do me a favor, forgive yourself like you forgave me.

Sadie:
If you tell anyone, I’m having this soft side moment, I swear I will cut you.

Ally:
Suck it up. Big girls don’t cry.

Sadie:
Whore.

Ally:
Bitch.