Barney Miller, Season 1

Yemana:
Hey, anybody want to work Vice tomorrow?

Harris:
Me! I'll take it!

Yemana:
You worked Vice last week.

Harris:
I'm a policeman, baby! I goes where I'm needed!

Liz:
Would you consider not going to work today and taking me for a drive in the country?

Barney:
Liz, you heard the radio: shootings, bombings. It's my busy season.

[Barney and Wojo are on the same phone line at the same time while standing right next to each other]

Barney:
Hello? Hello?

Wojo:
Hello?

Barney:
Hello, bomb disposal?

Wojo:
No, this is Wojciehowicz.

Barney:
Get off the line. I'm trying to reach Bomb Disposal.

Wojo:
Who's this?

Barney:
Barney!

Wojo:
Oh, hey, Barn, how's it going?

Barney:
GET OFF THE LINE!

Barney:
I think of you as experienced. In an emergency, you would be the first one that I'd call.

Fish:
You should call me first. I need time to put my teeth in.

Chano:
Hey, Fish! You wouldn't believe what makes a guy like that do what he does, man.

Fish:
It's the weather. When it gets damp and cold people get depressed, irritable and unpleasant. In the winter, Scandinavia has more lunatics per capita than any other country in the world.

Chano:
No kidding!

Fish:
Bernice is Scandinavian, but only on her mother's side. She usually cheers up around... the middle of February.

Barney:
[to former Det. Kelly] Hello, Kelly. What are you doing here?

Fish:
Making friends.

Barney:
How do you like Narcotics?

Yemana:
They haven't helped him a bit.

Wojo:
Hey, Barney? If a police officer loses his badge, does he report it to his superior or just wait til somebody turns it in?

Barney:
He reports it to his superior officer.

Wojo:
I lost my badge.

Wojo:
No lady sleeps with a man for money... What brings you up here, Mrs. Miller?

Liz:
I came to get a check from Barney.

Chano:
[booking a Puerto Rican hooker] Miss del Fuego. I came from a very small fishing village in Puerto Rico.

Del Fuego:
Me, too.

Chano:
I came here. I worked very hard. I learned to speak English.

Del Fuego:
Me, too.

Chano:
And today I am proud to serve the public and be known as one of New York's finest.

Del Fuego:
Me, too!

[Wojo and Mrs. Stavochek talk to each other in Polish]

Fish:
What did she say?

Wojo:
She wants to know if it's true they don't let Polish cops carry guns.

Barney:
Tell her you got a gun.

Wojo:
I got a gun.

Fish:
Of course, it keeps us on our toes.

Barney:
[on the phone] Liz, this is ridiculous! I cannot make the choice between the prevention of a major crime and the correction of my son's overbite! Particularly when the overbite runs on your side of the family.

Yemana:
Hey, where's my sashimi and cream cheese on a bagel?

Murray:
Here it's called lox.

Yemana:
The hell it is. We had it before you did.

Fish:
Drinking should be done in the privacy of one's home, where it's necessary.

Yemana:
[answering the telephone] Twelfth Precinct, Sergeant Yemana. Yes, sir. A stolen car? What kind of car, Mr. Ravelli? A Studebaker. Will you describe the car, please? Black fenders, silver doors, green hood, polka-dot seat covers, monkey-fur dashboard-maybe it wasn't stolen; maybe it ran away.

Wentworth:
Captain Miller, this was not my collar.

Barney:
I'm aware of that.

Wentworth:
Then why do I have to type it up?

Barney:
Because, Wentworth, we make no distinction here between male and female. You're just another cop. Who happens to be a good typist.

Wentworth:
It also happens, Captain, that I fired "expert" at the Police Academy.

Barney:
Good! Then don't type them. Shoot them.

Mr. Schuster:
I didn't know Orientals had a sense of humor.

Yemana:
Are you kidding? We invented gunpowder.

Barney:
Anything happening I should know about?

Everyone:
Harris is writing a book.

Barney:
A capella. Pretty good. I had in mind something more in the nature of a crime.

Yemana:
The coffee.

Barney:
I would hesitate to call our coffee a crime. A shame maybe... [takes a sip of the coffee] Oh, that's a crime.

Jeffers:
"Logical consequences are the scarecrows of fools and the beacons of wise men."

Harris:
This cat is dynamite. I'm going to write that down.

Barney:
It seems you found an admirer.

Jeffers:
Do me a favor-don't tell him it's from Aldous Huxley until after I leave.

Yemana:
You know those cute little Japanese dolls that you rub on the belly for luck?

Barney:
Yeah.

Yemana:
I'm taking one out to dinner tonight.

Barney:
Nick, where do we keep the office supply vouchers?

Yemana:
Look in the file under O. Or S. Or V. If not, then M, for miscellaneous. And if you don't find it in M, they're lost.

Barney:
Then I look under L?

Yemana:
Good a place as any.

Barney:
Did you ever wonder why the sperm whale, which is the largest mammal on the face of the earth, has a throat about that size? [forms a circle with his thumb and fingers]

Chano:
Yeah. You know, I always did wonder. Why is that?

Barney:
Because that's the way it is. And there ain't anything you can do about it.